I don’t have to worry about my job being replaced by robots because I do one thing robots can’t: be a really cool dude.
There are two types of socialism: The totalitarian, seize the means of production one that everyone should be willing to grab a gun to fight and the Scandinavian one which is more a parasite on capitalism and its success is based on not making the host too sick.
Weirdly, what a lot of people mean by “socialism” these days is “I want the government to guarantee me all the fruits of capitalism.”
If I have to choose between dumb, unserious plans made by idiots, a $22 billion plan to build a stupid wall does sound more appealing than a $54 trillion plan to further ruin health care.
Funny seeing conservatives react to how Bernie Sanders has been treated despite him being like a Commie. We all know the sting of unfair media bias.
People are like “Can a woman win the presidency?” and I’m like “Of course a woman can win the presidency” and they’re like “Really? Of the United States?” and I’m like, “Oh. I didn’t know we were talking about the U.S. No. Never. No girls allowed.”
Is there any scientific explanation for why they keep remaking Doctor Dolittle?
A lady James Bond? Come on.
“Do you expect me to talk, Goldfinger?”
“I was kind of hoping you’d finally shut up.”
“No! We’re talking!”
For voting for convicted felons, I fall back on that, for clarity, I think it’s useful to tie voting rights and gun rights. Whenever you’re ready to let him have a gun again, he can vote.
And I think all rights should be restored when you’ve served your time.
Know who deserves their money less than a billionaire? A career politician who is a millionaire like Bernie Sanders.
If I were a supervillain who wanted to starve billions, I’d lobby for government to declare food a right.
“Feeding people is too important to leave in the hands of greedy capitalists. Government needs to guarantee food for everyone.”
“You make a good point… but why are you in colorful spandex with a skull-shaped mask?”
“I’m just a concerned citizen named Dr. Destructo.”
It’s starting to feel like if you didn’t change any of the Nazis’s tactics but hand-waved them to be about “stopping racists,” the far left would be all on board.
What’s rap in favor of gun control going to sound like?
“I’m going to grab a Glock and kill a pig… unless sensible gun control makes legally purchasing it through a gun dealer prohibitive.”
Space Force camouflage should be black with white dots.
“Do you see anything to stop our evil, fellow Space Commie?”
“Just the blackness of space and stars… Wait! It’s SPACE FORCE!!!”
The Women’s March always seemed to me to be “We’re Democrats who don’t like Republicans but we’re trying to pretend we’re something more significant than that.”
Sounds like this gun rights rally could cause as much violence as the Joker movie.
MY BRAIN: “Crandalorian!”
ME: “Wha… what is that?”
MY BRAIN: “It’s like a promotional juice box for The Mandalorain.”
ME: “I can’t do anything with that. Stop obsessing on stupid puns I can’t do anything with.”
MY BRAIN: “Hatler!”
Any endorsement of Elizabeth Warren that doesn’t start with, “Sure, she’s a liar and a huge phony…” feels like a used car salesman trying to pull one over on you.
One of the amazing things in America is there are a group of people known for being armed and what they’re mainly feared for is that they vote.
Anyone who turns against gun rights because they’re scary will turn against all your other rights.
Because they’re all scary.
You essentially have two options with guns: Everyone gets guns or some people amass lots of guns and use the the threat of them to try and keep other people from having guns.
The only way realistically to get rid of the electoral college would be to secede and start your own country.
When the Founding Fathers made the electoral college, did they understand that one day idiots would be confused when it worked exactly as intended?
Was trying to give my 4yo an easy Bible question to make sure she got one.
“So does one of the Ten Commandments say you should murder or not murder.”
“Murder.”
I really love the calculator Windows comes with. Programmer mode is so so useful.
I pronounce all “silent” letters. If you don’t want me to pronounce them, don’t put them in there. Simple.
If you don’t like talking to people, don’t wear a Baby Yoda tshirt.
I wonder if we’re going to see a surge in Christian humor as Christians are becoming more the counter-culture and the left are focusing more on enforcing conformity.
The only way Hillary can clear her good name is to run for president again.