Since the alert status has been raised, I’ve decided to help out by writing this terrorist FAQ to educate the masses.
TERRORIST FAQ
Q. How can I identify a terrorist?
A. Sometime the differences between terrorists and non-terrorists are quite subtle. While a non-terrorist would carry a briefcase, a terrorist would carry an AK-47. If a non-terrorist bumps into you, he will say, “Pardon me, sir.” If a terrorist bumps into you, he will say, “Death to the infidels!” The main way to identify a terrorist, though, is the evil look in their eyes. Also, they’re Arab.
Q. What about those people who set bombs in Ireland?
A. I believe they are also Arab.
Q. I don’t think that’s right.
A. Then write your own FAQ.
Q. I tawt I taw a terrorist! What should I do?
A. Immediately jump him and pummel him. There will always be time for questions post-pummeling.
Q. What if I was wrong and jumped a non-terrorist?
A. Have a sincere sounding apology prepared just in case. Also, carry around a number of those “Fun Size” bags of chips. Then you can say, “I’m sorry I beat you up. Here’s a bag of Fritos.”
Q. What if I need to shoot a terrorist? What caliber should I use?
A. I recommend a .45, but many people now prefer a .40 caliber handgun. Shoot the terrorist a couple times; if he doesn’t die, switch to the next higher caliber.
Q. I just shot a terrorist, but I found a bomb near him. What should I do?
A. Cut the red wire.
Q. Are you sure I shouldn’t cut the green wire?
A. Yeah, on second thought, cut the green wire.
Q. So which is it? The red wire or the green wire?
A. Could be the blue wire.
Q. I’m just going to try running away really fast.
A. That’s what I’d do.
Q. Why do people want to terrorize us?
A. They’re retarded.
Q. Aren’t the causes for terrorism much more complicated, involving socio-economic factors, the residual effects of colonialism, the…
A. No, they’re just retards.
Q. But isn’t…
A. Retards.
Q. A terrorist all in black is flipping around and throwing sharp objects at me. What should I do?
A. That’s a ninja, not a terrorist.
Q. Well, he’s still trying to kill me.
A. Sorry, but that’s beyond the scope of this FAQ.
Q. I think I saw Saddam Hussein. What should I do?
A. First, make sure it’s not actually Tom Selleck.
Q. Whoops, it is Tom Selleck.
A. When identifying Saddam, try not to just focus on the mustache.
Q. I see a terrorist dressed in black stripes who keeps saying, “Robble Robble Robble.” Should I kill him?
A. That’s not a terrorist; that’s the Hamburglar.
Q. Might one consider the way he steals children’s hamburgers, thus preventing them from a normal, happy meal, a form of terrorism?
A. Yes… if you’re an idiot.
Q. I am an idiot.
A. Good for you.
Q. So does he also steal cheeseburgers, or just hamburgers?
A. Go away.
Q. I hear that the whole religion of Islam is just a Zionist conspiracy so that the Jews can distract us with terrorism while they steal our money.
A. Sounds logical.
Q. I also know of a conspiracy involving the Keebler elves and the Vatican.
A. You should write a newsletter.
Q. Okay, I’ve killed all the terrorists; now what do I do to put meaning into my dreary existence?
A. Go back to killing Communists. Consult the “Better Dead Than Red” FAQ.
ROFL
Ow….pain….laughing….so hard….
maaaaaaaan thats funny
This site always manages to make me laugh, no matter what mood I’m in! 😀
Very loud laughter drawing stares from coworkers!
I. Love. Frank.
P.S. Never, ever take a bite of a Three Musketeers just before logging onto IMAO. It really hurts to snort nouget up your nose. Worse than sea water.
Hilarious Frank. I took Rachelinator’s advice before I came in, but she didn’t say anything about Snickers.
The Hamburglar.
Next thing you know we’ll be introducing the “Evil Grimmace” as a WMD.
Frank, you are one very evil man and I love you for it.
Still regret that Bush did not take your advice with the State of the Union address….
Tony Blair can be considered a terrorist ?
Owwwww! Negra Modella through the nostrils is painful.
Good job, as always.
It’s a well known fact that the McDonalds trinity are a veiled attempt to brainwash our kids into liking the idea of nuclear war and love the insidious influence of the Reds. Think about it!
Grimace=Fat man (A-bomb)
Hamburglar=Little Boy (A-bomb)
Ronald McDonald= Obviously a member of the communist world party. Look at that huge red ‘fro!
I’ll report back on how Col. Sanders fostered simpathy for the North Vietnamese and the ChiComs later. I just need to get a few more tripple cappacinoes and some dexatrim.
Ahhhh…a jolt of champagne. Brilliant stuff.
On a (only slightly) related tangent –
Your “cut the red wire” passage reminds me of one of the best T-shirts I ever saw – this on the back of a member of the Arapahoe County Sherrif’s bomb squad here in Colorado:
“I am with the Bomb Squad. If you see me running, try and keep up.”
this, of course is tied with a shirt that my friend (a USMC sniper) owns –
Front: “USMC sniper”
Back: “Don’t try to run…you’ll only die tired.”
A DRUNK MAN’S WORDS ARE A SOBER MAN’S THOUGHTS.
MEMBA DAT SHIT!
haha
Frank, when you left for Christmas you said that Engineering paid better than blogging.
It’s only because you haven’t applied for a job at the Onion.
Kudos.
Some of the funniest sh*t i have read in a long time.
I’m still laughing at the fact that someone was able to put the Hamburglar’s noices into written words!!
Good stuff. Bravo, good man. Oh, and remember women are the root of all evil so maybe they should be considered terrorists…..at least the femminazis.
What does Imao stand for?
I nternational
M onkey
A ssassination
O rganization
Holy christ on a crakcer Frank! This is comedy genious. Three cheers for Frank. Commies, arabs… so funny.
What, no comments about unions. I’m a union member and feel left out.
I hate unions.
feel better?
and i do have to say, this is definitely one of your funnier posts Frank.