The Army announced today that it’s putting the introduction of its new XM-8 assault rifle [video] on hold because troops testing it in the field have been unable to properly target journalists with it.
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld was “disappointed” by the performance of the new weapon, which had been otherwise performing well. “The eXterminate the Media v.8.0 rifle was designed specifically for slaughtering reporters in Iraq. We’d been having problems with journalists pointing out the exact locations of American forces to terrorists so that they could get Pulitzer-caliber photos, and the preferred technique of strangling them wasn’t taking the bastards out fast enough. The hope was that we could put into each soldier’s hands the ability to kill these traitorous newsmonkeys at will.”
Unfortunately, the poorly-designed targeting system of the XM-8 let far too many journalists escape unharmed. “According to that stupid tw… uh… twit… Linda Foley,” continued Rumsfeld, “American Forces have only been able to eliminate 63 journalists, despite being trained from boot camp to double-tap anyone carrying a notepad or a video camera. Somehow the shots from the XM-8 always seem to hit to the left of the target. I suspect the DNC in general and Howard Dean in particular are behind this.”
When asked about the future of the XM-8, Secretary Rumsfeld was non-committal, yet optimistic. “I’m pretty sure we can fix this problem,” said Rumsfeld, donning a pair of black leather gloves, “by strangling Howard Dean. Now get the hell out of my way! This interview is over!”
DNC Chair Howard Dean was quick to deny allegations. In a recent press conference, he was quoted as saying, “They’re killing journalists in Fallujah! and Baghdad! and Mosul! and the Sunni Triangle!…YEEEEEAAAAAARR… GAK!… GRK!… ACK!… HELP!… gurgle… THUD!
In other news… in Washington D.C. today, the hunt for the Rumsfeld Strangler continues. The latest victim was journalist Linda Foley, who was found mysteriously murdered next to a note reading, “I, Donald Rumsfeld, strangled this twit.”
D.C. Police Detective Ian Competent reported that police are currently baffled, yet hopeful of getting a break in the case at any moment.
First…
Hilarious.
BTW, check out http://www.nukethemoon.com
I have to know whats in there!!!!
I think that flamethrowers would work. perhaps that XM-8 could be converted to fire flechettes.
H&K makes exceptional weapons. Though I would love to see DoD to dump the 9mm Beretta while Colt brings back the 1911A1 and develops a Squad Automatic Rifle in .30 caliber.
Then re-chamber the H&K MP5 for .45 caliber for Rural Close Up, Close Quarters Battle.
Jack.
The problem is that they’re still using 5.56mm ammo in the XM-8. I don’t think that even the 6.8mm SPC round will take out the toughest journalists. The American Rifleman has an article about this problem in the upcoming June issue. Here’s an extract:
“The Army’s Aberdeen Proving Grounds, working with the most experienced ammunition designers from companies such as Remington, Speer, Nosler, and Winchester, have developed a new round specifically for slaughtering journalists: the .45 BLOG. In trials, an entire cage full of journalism professors and students from Columbia University died from apoplectic rage when a soldier simply loaded his weapon with a magazine of the new rounds. Not one shot had to be fired!
“Colonel Glenn Reynolds, project manager for the new round, told us more about how it works.
“‘We started out with the standard 230 grain FMJ bullet with the word ‘Instapundit’ laser-etched into the jacket. While it didn’t perform any better in ballistic gelatin tests than the standard .45 ACP round, it’s effects on a C-BS reporter we caught snooping around were incredible.’
“Colonel Reynolds handed me an example of the .45 BLOG round being rushed into production. I commented on the unusual shape of the bullet and its striking green color.
“‘We found that this somewhat unusual shape was the most effective. As for the color, it’s a special polymer coating developed by Nosler. We call the bullet the “little green football,”‘ he said proudly.
“We were fortunate enough to see the round in actual use. While we were talking with Colonel Reynolds and other members of the project team, a reporter from the Washington Post appeared.
“‘I have an anonymous tip that you use pictures of the Prophet Mohammed as targets here! How can you be so insensitive toward the feelings of terrorists? WE WILL RAISE THE ARAB STREET AGAINST CAPITALIST WARMONGERS!!! DEATH TO AMERICA!!!!!’
“Colonel Reynolds loaded a single round of the new ammunition into a Wilson Combat M1911A1.
“The Post reporter began to froth a the mouth. ‘You have no editors or fact checkers! YOU’RE WEARING PAJAMAS!!!! YOU’RE NO JOURNALISTS!!!!!’
“Colonel Reynolds fired. The bullet struck center of mass, and the journalist exploded in a shower of green, poisonous ink screaming, ‘BUSH LIED, PEOPLE DIED!!!!’
“‘That’s the only problem with the round,’ Reynolds sighed as a pair of enlisted soldiers with mops and wearing chemical protective suits rushed in to clean up the mess. ‘But it certainly gets the job done.’
“Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld paid a visit to check on the development status of the new round. After witnessing several tests against journalists from ABC, the New York Times, and a particularly nasty specimen from the BBC, Rumsfeld personally ordered the .45 BLOG round into crash production. He also took a handful of experimental 9mm BLOG rounds.
“‘These should come in handy at the next press conference,’ he told us as he loaded his Luger. ‘My arthritis has really been bothering me lately.'”
Awesome comment docjim! Just let me know when they come out with a .22 BLOG round for taking care of local news reports.
Hilarious!
Another nice post, Frank.
um… that wasn’t frank.
Missed to the left?
GEBIV,
Thanks very much.
For shooting large vermin like reporters, I think you’d need at least a .222 BLOG, and as I believe in overkill, I’m hoping for a .454 Casull BLOG.
Heh heh heh…
Oh, and my apologies to Frank for stealing his characters. Remember, this story is not officially affiliated with the “In My World” series. Donald Rumsfeld and Ian Competent are copyright 2002-2005 Frank J. Enterprises, Inc.
Well done Harvey! This was so dang funny I was laughing at the title.
Note that I am not the only one that thinks you look like Frank in text. I won’t give any names, but his initial are TROY SPECTER!
Another cockroach.
Viva, bro.
Ha! Killing journalists! That’s great! ROFLMAO! Dead journalists! Fantastic!
Great Post Harvey…hilarious