Part I
Part II

“Pamphlets!” President Bush exclaimed.
“Yes, pamphlets,” Laura Bush responded, “Before blogging and even T.V. and radio, people got out their own opinions by pamphlets. You can hand out pamphlets saying blogging is a good thing to fight against that mean mainstream media.”
“Fine,” Bush groaned as he took some pamphlets and walked outside. Soon he saw a man walk by him so he handed one out saying, “Here, take this pamphlet and learn about how blogging is really a good thing.”
“Are you a blogger?” the man asked as he tepidly took the pamphlet.
“I do it as a hobby,” Bush answered, “My day job is president of a major country.”
“Which one?”
“The United States of America.”
The man’s eyes lit up. “I live in that country!”
“Then you’ve probably seen me before,” Bush replied cheerily, “on either T.V. or a ballot.”
“You do seem familiar.”
“Yep. I live in that house back there.” Bush pointed to the White House.
“I thought Bill Clinton lived there.”
“He used to,” Bush said angrily, “and you can’t believe the cleaning bill after he moved out. They really should make presidents pay a deposit when they move in. Anyway, have a great day.”
“You too. I’ll read this pamphlet, and you have good luck running the U.S.A.,” the man said before walking off.
“This is going well,” Bush said. He then saw Rumsfeld was nearby. “How are you doing handing our pamphlets, Rummy?”
“Fine,” Rumsfeld grumbled. He then forced a pamphlet into the hand of someone as he passed near. “Read this and make its opinion your own,” Rumsfeld shouted, “or I’ll murder you and your family! Rarr!”
“I don’t think you can get away with threatening to murder people all the time,” Bush told Rumsfeld.
“Says who?!” Rumsfeld demanded as he glowered at Bush threateningly.
“Not me!” Bush shrieked and went back to quietly handing out pamphlets.

“Due to a large pamphleteering campaign,” said the anchorman, “not authorized by us, your trusted mainstream media, citizens have gone back to believing that blogs are a good thing, despite polling telling them they don’t actually think that. In a stunning move, President Bush has given a full pardon to blogger Glenn Reynolds for his cross country shoot out with the police, a move supported by bloggers across the world but very unpopular to law students at the University of Tennessee. There have been some implications that quid pro quo was involved, as Bush received what is called an ‘Instalanche’ to his own blog, Dubya Explains It All, right after issuing the pardon. White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan denied these charges, but we remind viewers that he is tubby.”
The Newsweek editor turned off the T.V. in the dark media lair. “If people are listening to bloggers again, how are we going to viciously slander Bush and his administration?” he exclaimed.
“We’ll leave that to the Emperor of the Media,” said another media mogul.
“Is he coming here?”
“I already am,” answered an unearthly voice. The Newsweek editor turned to see a decrepit old man in a hooded cloak walking forward to take his seat at his throne. “We shall turn the bloggers to the dark side of pretended unbiased reporting. First, we shall start with the blogger known as Dubya.”
“How can we get to him?”
“He shall come to me,” the emperor answered, “This I have foreseen.”
“Foreseen?”
“I sent him a coupon saying he could get a free steak dinner here. Muh ha ha ha!”

“My blog is really getting popular,” Bush said, “I have lots of readers listening to everything I say about how great a job I’m doing as president.”
“That’s great, dear,” Laura answered.
“I even got sent a coupon for a free steak dinner!”
“Be careful about that,” Laura warned, “You know how often the promise of a free steak dinner has been used to lead you into a trap.”
“Well, one of these days it has to not be a trap,” Bush asserted.
“Fine, but, if the place this coupon says to go for the steak dinner is a hollowed out volcano, you be extra careful. And make sure to take some Secret Service with you.”
“No, they’re always freaking me out with how they talk into their sleeves and stuff.” Bush then headed to his car and drove away from the White House. He followed the directions on the coupon until he came to a volcano just outside of D.C. “Hmm,” Bush thought to himself, “It is a volcano, but I can’t be sure it’s hollowed out until I go inside for my free steak dinner!”

The guards led Bush to the emperor. “He was armed only with this,” one guard said as he set a katana at the side of the emperor’s throne.
“I’ve been carrying one ever since I saw Matrix: Revolutions,” Bush said, “Morpheus is so cool! Now where is my free steak dinner?” He then noticed the Newsweek editor was standing next to the emperor. “Hey! You’re that guy who says I’m for flushing Korans down the toilet and lots of other slander that I don’t have the time or attention span to read!” He then looked to the emperor. “But who are you?”
The emperor motioned for the guards to leave. “I am the originator of all media bias. For all the papers and T.V. shows that turned their reporting against you, it was at my bidding.”
“I should murder you dead for that!” Bush exclaimed. He then looked at his katana that was in easy reach.
“Yessss,” the emperor hissed, “I am unarmed; take you weapon and strike me down like we in the media strike down whomever we please. Then your journey to the dark side of reporting will be complete.”
Bush thought for a moment. “I think that reverse psychology thing is having an effect, ’cause now I’m thinking maybe I shouldn’t strike you down.”
“How typical,” the emperor said, “I’d expect that from someone who went AWOL.”
“I never went AWOL!” Bush shouted as he grabbed his katana and swung the blade at the emperor. It was stopped by the Newsweek editor’s own sword. The two then began to fiercely battle as the emperor laughed.
“You are weak!” the Newsweek editor yelled, “And I’m going to have a cover story about it!”
“I’ll cut out your heart and flush it down the toilet!” Bush answered. Soon, Bush overpowered the Newsweek editor, knocking the sword from his hand. The editor lay on the ground, now at Bush’s mercy.
“Good!” the emperor shouted, “Finish him and take his place at my side, destroying anyone who has opinions contrary to ours!”
Bush was quiet for a moment. He then tossed away his sword and faced the emperor. “No. My job is to police the media, not to destroy it. For I am a blogger, like my blogfather before me.”
The emperor scowled. “So be it.” He then quickly snapped a picture of Bush. “Ha! Your mouth was open during that picture and you look like a fool! I’ll use it with a story claiming you were involved with illegal campaign fundraising!”
“You media people are crazy,” Bush stated, “If I’m not getting a free steak dinner, I’m going to go get myself a burger and fries.”

“So they tried to turn me to the dark side of reporting,” Bush said as he finished his fries, “but I resisted.”
“I’m very proud,” Laura responded, “Just for that, I’m going to make you brownies.”
“Hooray!”
As Laura left the Oval Office, Vice President Cheney entered. “The staff has been talking it over, and you have to stop blogging,” he told Bush, “We decided it’s too risky as you might post secret information since… you know… you’re an idiot.”
“I guess so,” Bush answered, “but at least I learned an important lesson from all this.”
“What?”
Bush thought for a few seconds. “Okay, I didn’t learn anything. Anyhoo, I’m going to flip a coin to decide whether we attack Iran or North Korea next. You call it in the air, Dick.” Bush flipped a quarter.
“Heads!”
Bush caught the coin. “It’s tails.” He was silent for moment. “Wait; what does that mean?”
THE END