Part I
Part II

“Is it true that Bush has been in secret talks with the forces of Heaven, violating the separation of church and state?” asked a reporter.
“That is incorrect,” Scott McClellan answered, “there have been…” Scott paused for a moment. “Know what? This is ridiculous. I know MoveOn.org has been hammering us on this issue and lots of people find the separation of church and state very important, but there are exceptions to every rule… such as invasions from hell. It was Moloch who violated this separation, not us.”
“Boo!”
“How many times do I have to tell you journalists that you’re not supposed to boo press conferences?” Scott griped.
“Melinda Hawkish, FOX News,” stated Melinda Hawkish as she stepped forward, her clothes torn and marked with blood.
“I know FOX is leading the cable news race,” Scott commented, “but you should still have some dress standards.”
“I had to beat off a mob of reporters under the influence of Moloch using just my microphone,” Melinda explained.
Scott thought on that for a moment. “Yeah, that’ll happen. So what’s your question?”
“Is President Bush fully prepared to fend off the threat of Moloch and his demons?”
“Yes, we want to assure all America that this is being taken care of and the horror will soon be over.”
“But what about those who believe the president to be an idiot? What assurance do you give them?”
Scott was silent for a second. “He means well?”

“Such foolishness,” Satan exclaimed at the T.V., “Like I never thought of invading Earth with the denizens of hell. This is going to end poorly.”
“At least Moloch is doing something,” Beelzebub remarked.
“Ms. Bee, I am doing what is known as plotting,” Satan replied indignantly.
“Strange. I would have called it vegging out on the couch while watching seasons of the X-Files on DVD.”
“I don’t need your attitude right now,” Satan answered with annoyance, “I see great problems here. We all know Moloch isn’t the brightest bulb and never would have had the initiative to do this himself. The drooling mobs of MoveOn.org couldn’t have initiated this either. That means there’s some other force of evil out there, one so sinister it can hide itself from even me, Satan, the king of all malice.”
“Interesting,” Bee yawned, “Anyway, I’m ordering Chinese; you want some.”
“I’ll have the Kung Pao chicken… but tell them not so many peanuts this time.”

The van passed a sign reading, “Now Entering Texas (Don’t Mess With It).”
“I can’t believe Moloch set up headquarters in Texas!” Bush exclaimed, “That’s totally messing with it! We can’t waste any time in stopping Moloch.”
“Then why did we spend a couple of hours finding a van that looked exactly like the one from the A-Team?” Alberto Gonzales asked.
“If it needs to be explained to you, you’ll never understand,” Bush answered irately.
“We have the means to fight the demons,” Buck the Marine said prepping his rifle, “but how are we going to take down Moloch himself?”
Bush smiled. “I have a plan for that. We’ll…”
“We’ll need a better one,” Condoleezza Rice interrupted.
“I swiped Michael’s spear from the backseat of his car,” Cheney stated as he unveiled the weapon by pulling back a blanket, “I figured if we hit Moloch with this, it’ll do some damage.”
“Good ‘ole Cheney,” Bush laughed, “never too proud to steal from a messenger from God. Now we just need to fight our way to Moloch. It won’t be easy, but just remember the words the archangel Michael left us with.”
“@#$% you?” Condi inquired.
“Uh… on second thought, let’s think of something Jesus said.”
“The meek shall inherit the Earth?” Alberto suggested.
“Well… uh… what did He say about the heavily armed?” Bush asked.
“This is a fool’s errand,” Rumsfeld grumbled, “I want to stop and take a nap.”
“No napping until good triumphs over evil,” Bush shot back.
Rumsfeld just growled and slumped back against a wall.
Thus into the devil infested lands ventured our intrepid heroes: Dubya the Brave, Cheney the Wise, Rumsfeld the Old and Grumpy, Condi the Schemer, Alberto the Mexican, and Buck the Courageous. The devastation of the land and the eternal darkness it was under brought fear to their hearts, but still they ventured forth, making good time on reaching the center of evil since they made few rest stops and just had a quick lunch at a Taco Bell.
“My state!” Bush mourned, “It has been totally and completely messed with!”
“All the high schools have been infested with slutty cheerleaders!” Condi exclaimed.
“I remember when cheerleading was about more than being slutty,” Bush cried, “It was about cheering your team on to victory.”
“It can be that way again!” Cheney assured Bush.
“I’d rather the sluts,” Alberto declared.
“For’ners!” Buck warned, “Demon for’ners! Coming from all sides!”
“It’s time for action!” Bush declared as he started the A-Team theme on the van’s stereo.
The devils flooded around the van, howling in rage, but our heroes struck back with a holy vengeance, knocking away the evil horde with their armaments from God. Embattled, they continued towards the fires ahead that marked where the unholy terror Moloch dwelled.
“Close enough!” Bush yelled as he stopped the van, “Buck, you provide cover fire while the rest of us head to confront Moloch.”
“Why am only I providing cover fire?” Buck asked.
“Because I plan to use lots of witty banter when fighting Moloch and I want as many people as possible around to hear it.”
Our heroes exited the van, and Buck kept back the demons with his advance Marine tactics of shooting anything that moved. Soon, Bush was in the towering presence of Moloch, but a familiar figure stood beside the terror.
“And that’s why I think you’ll find we Democrats are better to work with,” Senator Harry Reid told Moloch, “We’ll compromise on anything, especially on issues of good and evil.”
“When this world is mine, you will be my puppet to control the masses,” Moloch told Reid.
“Does that rank higher or lower than Senate minority leader?” Reid inquired.
“No deals for devils!” Bush declared, “You die good, now, Moloch!”
“That’s your witty banter?” Cheney asked.
Bush shrugged his shoulders and then threw the mighty spear of Michael. It struck Harry Reid’s foot.
“Ow!”
“Idiot!” Condi yelled, “That was our one chance!”
“I just assumed I’d be good with a spear,” Bush answered.
Laughter erupted around them. Instead of demons, it was MoveOn.org, filming the event. “As we see, the theocrat Bush is no match in this situation,” one narrated to a camera.
“Don’t call me Theo!” Bush yelled and fired a shot in the air. MoveOn.org scattered and hid behind rocks.
“Puny mortals!” Moloch yelled, “I have existed before time itself, and you cannot stop me!” Moloch flapped his giant wings, the wind sending Bush and company flying backwards.
“That’s it!” Alberto declared, picking up his sombrero and pulling out his switchblade, “I’m going to cut you good, Moloch!” He charged the demon. “You’ll wish you were in Gitmo!”
Moloch laughed and flames rose around him.
“Aiee!” Alberto cried as he ran away, “Too hot! Maybe we can negotiate.”
“Uh, I’m about out of ammo,” Buck said as he approached Bush, thousands of demons now encircling the group.
“Great!” Cheney exclaimed, “I’m going to get killed! Now I’ll never get my kickbacks from Halliburton!”
“At least ‘Killed fighting demons in Texas’ will make a good obituary,” Bush said, “Unlike when I almost died trying to fix the bathroom sink.”
“Now comes the time of your destruction,” Moloch laughed, “You will burn forever in the fires of hell and… OW! MY EYE!” Moloch clutched his face right after a rock had struck it.
“You talk too much,” Rumsfeld growled, “Time to end this so I can have a nap.”
Rumsfeld jumped at Moloch, getting his hands around the demon’s throat. Moloch thrashed about, and fire flared all around him, but Rumsfeld held fast. Soon the fire grew so much that both the figures of Moloch and Rumsfeld disappeared behind it. Finally, the fire died down, and all that was left was a note reading, “I’m Donald Rumsfeld. I strangled this demon from hell.”
“Rumsfeld sent Moloch back to hell!” Cheney exclaimed, “But he was pulled in with him!”
“Yeah!” Bush yelled, “That was so cool! I hope someone was filming it!”
The dark clouds in the sky gave way to the sun, and the demons all fled.
“Yes!” Bush declared, “The Bush administration triumphs once again!”
“What about Rumsfeld being stuck in hell?” Buck asked.
“We’ll have to organize a military strike to go get him,” Bush said, but then stopped to think. “Actually, that sort of thing would have been Rumsfeld’s job to organize. Aw, I’m sure he’ll find his own way out of hell.”
“I could be Secretary of Defense,” Condi suggested.
Bush laughed. “No, you’re already Secretary of State and a woman.”
A bright light shot down from heaven, and in it descended the archangel Michael adorned in shining armor. “You have defeated Moloch,” he declared, “and proven yourself before the eyes of… MY @#$% SPEAR!!!” Michael pulled the spear from Reid’s foot.
“Oh, thank you, angel from Heaven!” Reid exclaimed.
“You stole my @#$% spear!” Michael shouted back, “I’m going to @#$% you up!” He started smacking Reid around.
“That’s funny!” Bush chuckled, “I hope someone is filming that too.” He looked around. “Hey, MoveOn.org escaped.”

“This campaign may have failed,” George Soros said at the meeting of MoveOn.org, “Just like all our other campaigns, but we’ll just try again with our mindless hatred. I’m sure some good will come of it eventually.”
“Those demons were cool!” one hippy declared, “Too bad they’re all gone.”
“There’s still one left,” said another hippy pointing to a figure in the corner.
“That sure is an angry looking a demon.”
Everyone paused to stare at the creature. “A very angry looking demon… AHHH!!!”
He’s Chomps, Chomps, the world’s angriest dog.
If he’s around, you shouldn’t be shrill,
‘Cause, if you have liberal views, he’s gonna kill.
Since he’s Chomps, Chomps, the world’s angriest dog.
YEAH!

The Dark Empress watched the slaughter of MoveOn.org on her monitor. “You may think you have won this time, Mr. Bush, but with each attack you grow weaker. And, in a few election cycles, the world will be mine. Muh ha ha ha!
THE END

Continue reading ‘In My World: Aw, Hell Part III’ »