I’m going to try to be positive about AI tonight, not quite so negative. So they’re doing songs from whenever and songs from this week, and it will be positively disastrous for Scott and Anthony, but somehow, some dufuses (sorry, Jonag, I’ve not yet forgiven you) will vote for them, and something horrible will happen, such as Carrie getting the ax because she is the absolute best, and we just can’t stand to listen to the best.
Here we go, let’s sing and be happy!
Archive of entries posted on 3rd May 2005
Time Traveler Convention
I have a couple of small beefs with the time traveler convention that some crazy kids at M.I.T. are cooking up. The ‘M’ as I understand it, stands for Massachusetts. But that’s not my beef.
A little info about the convention. They are having the one and only time traveler convention because
Time travelers from all eras could meet at a specific place at a specific time, and they could make as many repeat visits as they wanted.
Beef Number 1: Why would real time travelers bother coming to an event to meet with people from our era that don’t have time travel? “Whoa, so you guys don’t have time travel? What’s that like?” Wouldn’t seeing the great battles of history, documenting the real story of the JFK assasination, witnessing the life of Jesus or trading stocks with foreknowledge of market fluxuations be a more interesting/lucrative use of the time travel mechanism?
I certainly think so. Then again I guess even those things would get old and stale if time travel were possible, so a boring convention with the temporal displacement challenged from our era would seem exciting. So would watching carpet rot in accelerated time I guess.
coming soon to a funeral parlor near you . . .
I Would Not Like My Bride to Run Away
An Editorial by Frank J.
It has been in the news that it is now the habit for some brides to run away come the wedding day. Being someone who will be getting married soon, I do not like this.
“I guess the one I’m most worried about running away – other than the bride – would be the ring bearer.”
Yes, some may point to the advantages of this, such as more cake for the groom. I am not much of a cake person, though, and am quite sure I would have gotten my fill even with the bride in attendance. If, perhaps, the bride and groom were to split jelly beans or gummy bears, then I would see more of a silver lining in the disappearance of the bride. Mainly, though, I only see trouble.
First off, people at the wedding would wonder where the bride is. Seeing no bride, they might think it’s a gay marriage and exclaim, “This is not what I signed up for!” The wedding would most likely be canceled unless I started randomly asking women in the audience if they would marry me. History shows that most likely they would all say, “No.” Then, after the wedding is canceled, I’d probably have to go weeks with people constantly asking me, “Where’s your bride?” and then I would have to shrug my shoulders and say, “I dunno.” It would get quite annoying.
Now, other members of the wedding could run away and be a hindrance, but still not end the wedding. If the florists ran away, things could still go as planned since I never really cared for flowers. If the caterers ran away, that would be troublesome. While, as I stated, I am not a cake person, I would still like some cake. Also, I assume the wedding will make me and everyone else hungry, and thus we’ll all be like, “Where’s the food?” That will certainly put a damper on the day, but the wedding will still occur. You might think that if the minister ran away, that would stop the wedding, but I bet we could find another in short notice if we really needed to with the some phone calls or knocking on doors.
Now, for each guest who runs away, that saves us money. If my parents ran away, that would probably upset me, but, if I could have me dad declared legally dead, I could take his guns. That would be a nice start to the marriage. If my brides parents ran away, that would be awesome because then I wouldn’t have to deal with them. Also, when my future wife says, “I would like to go visit my parents,” I could just answer, “Sorry. They ran away. Let’s go play putt-putt instead.”
If the best man ran away – which would be my brother – I’d probably just shrug my shoulders and say, “That why we call him ‘Joe foo’.'” If the maid of honor ran away, I’m not sure how that would affect things since I don’t know what she does. The photographer running away could be trouble, but we have plenty of digital cameras.
I guess the one I’m most worried about running away – other than the bride – would be the ring bearer. Those rings cost money, and I’ve been wanting to get some bling for a while. Luckily, the ring bearer is usually a little kid, and I could easily out run his small legs and tackle him. I guess I don’t care if the flower girl ran away, but, since she’s a little girl, everyone would be nagging me until she is found.
Anyway, while I never cared to much about the details of the wedding and will probably be happy with whatever my bride picks out, my one demand is that she does not run away. That I am quite adamant on.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as “Running Away Never Solved Anything, So Try Hiding” and “Apologies to BikerMommy and Spidade”.
RWD’s News Roundup-Tuesday
Hello everyone,
I’m RightWingDuck and I’m here to share the news.
Still in the news is the runaway bride, Jennifer Wilbanks. Her fiancée was on TV saying that he would still marry her because he gave her a ring and had made a promise before God. Which is probably why she flipped out. Okay, at what point in time did he think they were actually married?
John::Do you want something to drink?
Jennifer:I do.
John: Oh, sweetheart. Me TOO!!! Forever and ever!!
They make a cute couple. This morning, while I was eating breakfast, I saw a picture of them. Well, they weren’t actually together. His picture was in the USA Today, and hers was on my milk carton.
Will they make it as a couple? I don’t know. We’ll see.
Mary Kay Latourneau is set to marry her bo- boyfriend. If you recall, Mary Kay was sent to prison for having slept with her then 13 year old student.
As is becoming the pattern, they have sold the rights to their wedding photos. The amount is up for speculation however I’m told it involves a substantial amount of dollars and arcade tokens.
It’s weird, she’s so much older than he is. And he seems so tiny. But they’re happy and he’s legal now, so I guess its okay. Now, some people gossip about the huge age difference. “What’s going to happen when they’re both 20 years older?” I don’t know.
I don’t know — what do you think? Do you think she’d find somebody younger?
‘Runaway Missile’ Discovered Safe in Sea of Japan
North Korea intended to hold a gala celebration for the marriage of a missile to a nuclear warhead, with over 600 guests, and 14 attendants each for the missile and the warhead, but something was missing: the missile.
“Nobody knew what happened,” said North Korean President Kim Jong Il, “we were hoping to combine these two in a holy union that would strike fear in the hearts of warmongering capitalist pigs, but the missile was nowhere to be found on the big day.”
For four days, frantic North Koreans searched for their beloved atomic payload delivery system. The dragnet extended as far as Pyong Vegas and even Changuquerque, but to no avail.
“I feared the worst,” said Il, “I kept thinking – maybe Americans try to cut my precious missile into scrap and use her to pimp their rides. Damn crazy Americans always pimping their rides”.
Il’s worst fears seemed confirmed when the missile sent a homing beacon indicating that she’d been kidnapped by Jesse James who planned to use her propulsion system to modify his Harley.
Upon further investigation, however, it turned out to be just a case of anxiety, as the missle thought her launch vehicle made her look fat.
Although slightly embarrassed, the jilted nuclear warhead still claimed to be in love and would like to go through with the marriage at a later date. “I still love her. I want to be with her. I want to blow up dirty Yankee round-eyes with her.”
An embarrassed missle hides under a towel as she returns to her home and fiancee in North Korea.