The Army announced today that it’s putting the introduction of its new XM-8 assault rifle [video] on hold because troops testing it in the field have been unable to properly target journalists with it.
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld was “disappointed” by the performance of the new weapon, which had been otherwise performing well. “The eXterminate the Media v.8.0 rifle was designed specifically for slaughtering reporters in Iraq. We’d been having problems with journalists pointing out the exact locations of American forces to terrorists so that they could get Pulitzer-caliber photos, and the preferred technique of strangling them wasn’t taking the bastards out fast enough. The hope was that we could put into each soldier’s hands the ability to kill these traitorous newsmonkeys at will.”
Unfortunately, the poorly-designed targeting system of the XM-8 let far too many journalists escape unharmed. “According to that stupid tw… uh… twit… Linda Foley,” continued Rumsfeld, “American Forces have only been able to eliminate 63 journalists, despite being trained from boot camp to double-tap anyone carrying a notepad or a video camera. Somehow the shots from the XM-8 always seem to hit to the left of the target. I suspect the DNC in general and Howard Dean in particular are behind this.”
When asked about the future of the XM-8, Secretary Rumsfeld was non-committal, yet optimistic. “I’m pretty sure we can fix this problem,” said Rumsfeld, donning a pair of black leather gloves, “by strangling Howard Dean. Now get the hell out of my way! This interview is over!”
DNC Chair Howard Dean was quick to deny allegations. In a recent press conference, he was quoted as saying, “They’re killing journalists in Fallujah! and Baghdad! and Mosul! and the Sunni Triangle!…YEEEEEAAAAAARR… GAK!… GRK!… ACK!… HELP!… gurgle… THUD!
In other news… in Washington D.C. today, the hunt for the Rumsfeld Strangler continues. The latest victim was journalist Linda Foley, who was found mysteriously murdered next to a note reading, “I, Donald Rumsfeld, strangled this twit.”
D.C. Police Detective Ian Competent reported that police are currently baffled, yet hopeful of getting a break in the case at any moment.

Can you believe it’s been 100 days since we got our fondest wish?
Howard Dean has now been running the DNC for over 100 days. And since IMAO strives to educate as well as entertain — I thought I would take a minute to cover some of the impact Howard has had on the Democratic Party.
Ducky’s Dozen Top Achievements of the First 100 Days of Howard Dean
12. DNC conference room now has cable TV.
11. New sign, it has been [15] days since my last meltdown.
10. Organized the first Democratic Survivors Council.
9. DNC lot now offers free Valet Parking. “Look for the smile and the bright blue vest.”
8. The Scream made the Best of the Worst of American Idol.
7. Eliminated the discriminatory “must be this tall” rule.
6. Launched a Democrats Job Creation program. “Come on down. We have plenty of blue vests.”
5. Helped the DNC apply for membership in the EU (European Union).
4. Exciting and fun Office Chair Races.
3. Replaced all the broken vending machines. Plus they now feature Mike and Ike Sours.
2. Saved 20% on long distance by switching to AT&T.
and the number one accomplishment by Howard Dean in his first 100 days…

Continue reading ‘Ducky’s Dozen – 100 Days of Dean’ »

Last night I tried to see a screening of the new Star Wars movie. I waited in line for 2 hours with a bunch of people in Yoda, Skywalker, and Darth Vader costumer. At least – I hope they were costumes.
Sadly, the box office ran out of tickets, so I sat in a movie theatre with 20 Dart Vaders watching Monster In Law. It was weird because whenever Jennifer Lopez got huffy and stormed away, I’d hear murmurs from the audience, “Yes, the force is strong in that one.”
Anyway, since I didn’t get to see the movie and share how wonderful it is.. I thought I’d test the IMAO readership to see how well YOU know your Star Wars movies.
RWD Presents — The Ultimate Star Wars Quiz!!
Question #1: In Chapter IV, we see Luke working on his R2D2 unit. We catch a glimpse of the inside panel and see a small sign. What does that sign say?
1. Hyundai Motor Corp.
2. Warning: Do not use while submersed in water
3. Don’t come a knockin’ if you see this robot rockin’
4. Save the Wookies
Question #2: In Chapter IV, when the crew of the Millennium Falcon was awarded medals for bravery — why didn’t Chewbacca get one?
1. He did, but he ate it.
2. It fell off when he humped Han Solo’s leg
3. No Animal Rights in the federation
4. Medal Allergy
Question #3: How does Chewbacca manage to keep all that hair beautiful..
1. Saliva
2. Gee Your Wookie Smells Terrific
3. The Hair Club for Wookies
4. Suave
Question #4: After the ceremony, what did Chewbacca do?
1. Created a hit single — Wookie Nights.
2. Was sent to the shelter for neutering
3. Ate the presenter
4. Went to Intergalactic Disneyland
Question #5: What phrase do Jedi Knights hear most often?
1. May the force be with you
2. Me love you long time
3. Bush lied, people died
4. Are you going to finish that?
Question #6: C3PO — the lovable android companion of R2D2 had a funny walk. Why?
1. He was the android for the Department of Silly Android Walks
2. He was British.
3. He was Gay
4. Rust.
Question #7: Jar Jar Binks was..
1. An annoying character
2. A useless character
3. A stupid character
4. The love child of a lizard and a rabbit
Question #8: In Episode III, Darth Vader emerges from the pits of hell as an evil overlord. Who can we blame?
1. Himself. He has free will and chose evil.
2. The Republicans — they stuffed the ballot box.
3. The Democrats — they had better celebrity endorsements.
4. Big Tobacco
Question #9: In Episode I, Young Anniken wins his freedom. How?
1. By singing better than Carrie or Bo.
2. Through the political mediation of Jesse Jackson
3. By digging an underground tunnel.
4. Winning the Amazing Race
Question #10: How was the Death Star destroyed?
1. Expired Warranty.
2. Competition from Wal-Mart
3. Death Star Warming
4. Faulty Wiring
**
That’s all. Maybe your years of faithful movie attendance and mindless purchasing of SW products have not been in vain.
I hope that this information helps you to enjoy your next viewing of any of the Star Wars films.
As the Jedi Knights would say, “Are you going to finish that?”

To the Old Media, there’s nothing exciting about U.S. Senate filibuster to block qualified judges or the fact that dozens of Muslims are dead because of a phony story slamming the American military. Yes, what the Old Media needs is a cause celeb and a drum to beat on a “slow news Friday.”
To that end, alleged photos published in a British newspaper of Saddam Hussein in his tighty-whiteys are causing quite a stir. The London Daily Mail, who couldn’t care less about the fake Newsweek story, whined that the “ensational pictures of Saddam Hussein in his underwear” are now “reigniting the Iraqi prisoner abuse scandal.”
Huh?
Nothing against The Sun newspaper, but I gotta ask: Did anyone in the Old Media peeing in their panties over this awful violation of Saddam’s privacy rights check to make sure this photo is real?
Maybe it’s because I’m a man that grew up in Texas but I don’t consider a publishing a snapshot of a wealthy murdering dictator having to fold his own clothes while behind bars as “prisoner abuse.”
Prison abuse is severe beatings, poisoning food, stabbings, sodomy, and/or taking a black permanent marker to the prisoner while he’s asleep (for example, the night before his court appearance, draw a Gene Simmons from KISS-like makeup pattern on the guy’s face, write “I Got Buggered in Baghdad County Jail” on the front of his jumpsuit and arrows pointing down his back below the words “Glory Hole”).
Now THAT’S prisoner abuse, you idiots in the Old Media. Check with me next time before you report, will ya?

The subject of women in combat is in the news again, and I know there has to be some jokes there… maybe enough for a top ten list.
But I’m too busy and important to figure that out now. So, make your own jokes on the subject in the comments.

Continue reading ‘Why Do I Have to Make the Funny Everyday?’ »

Yeah, another support the sponsors post. I don’t care if you hate these; you’re reading it.
First off, always make sure to check out my blog ads. Currently in the Patron spot is Realm Dekor for really hip home furnishings and accessories. Me, I’m not very hip. I was once thrown out of Target for not being cool enough to shop there.
Also, I received the new IMAO U.N. Slogan t-shirts last week, and they are great looking like all the shirts from ThoseShirts.com (which has a lot of new designs). Remember, for every IMAO t-shirt you buy, a portion of the proceeds go towards paying off the huge debt I’m incurring from the engagement ring, wedding, and honeymoon.
Finally, free stuff! Brian J., Peace Gallery Alumni, blogger of Musings from Brian J. Noggle, and proprietor of JC T-Shirts, sent me two free Beware of Conservative shirts. I wore it to a range trip over the weekend while SarahK wore a U.N. Slogan shirt. Now that I have a P.O. Box, maybe I should put that out there so more people can send me free stuff… but not free letter bombs. I have enough of those.
Remember, honorable ronin support those who support IMAO.
BTW, the super big new IMAO project should be ready for next weekend. I hope everyone will enjoy this addition to IMAO, and, for all the worry-worts, it will have no effect on day to day posting.

But does she have the overgrown ego to pull it off?