Grammar rules

I admire Michelle Malkin. She has good word usements.

In one post, she directs her readers to a great quiz on grammar.

Mark Goldblatt at NRO give the quiz.. Being the kind of IMAO writer who aspirates to master the English language, I figured I’d applicate my skills to see how I would do.

I’ll get through this before my ADD kicks in and I forget what I was doing.

1) Define the terms “independent clause” and “dependent clause.”

Well, a long time ago, Santa hired two assistants. One was really good and got things done. The other was clingy and kept blaming “shortism” for all of his failings. Eventually, the clingy one was promoted to ensure diversity in the Elf staff and, well, let us never talk about the exploding Jack In the Boxes again. Eventually, Independent Clause started his own business with labor from third world countries, and threatened Santa with a buyout. I forgot how it ends. But I’m pretty sure we can blame Wal-Mart.

2) Find the subject in the following sentence: “Many of my friends drive to school.”

A Ha! A trick question! Some would say that the Subject is Driver’s Education. But it asks about driving TO the school, which tells us that it’s morning. The fact that many friends are involved means that Bill and Jane are probably getting cozy in the backseat while the thumping bass on the car stereo breaks windows as it passes through the neighborhood. I’m not saying it’s Sex Ed, but it’s pretty darn close.

3) What are the three principal parts of the verb “to bite”?

Let’s use a visual aid

(RWD pulls out a 15 pound hamburger)

First there’s there’s the pre-bite. That’s where you say, “Hmm. I’m gonna get me some of this!” Then there’s the actual bite itself. I recommend small bites, this way you can talk while you’re eating. Then, there’s the post-bite. Postbites vary. For some, they order a doggy bag, Others take a big drink. If you’re like me, you can pretend you found some gross thing in your food so you can try to get it for free (unless you’re lucky enough to end up with a REAL finger tip or something.)

4) “Jane has been dating John for two years.” Is that sentence written in a present tense or a past tense?

I’ve met John. Believe me. Two years is a long enough sentence for any woman. I recommend they think about breaking up. Methods for breaking up include, Dear John letters, phone conversations, or faking your own disappearance.

5) “Jane has been dating John for two years.” Change that sentence to the corresponding past tense.

Well, it just so happens that corresponding is what I do best!! Try this one:”Dear John, it’s not you. It’s me–”

6) What three parts of speech can an adverb modify?

As you know. Adverbs are not native to North America. They came over on the Mayflower with the original settlers and were used to torture to poor native Americans. So Natives got orders such as “Finish this promptly” and “Run for your lives, quickly!” As such, I do not acknowledge adverbs as a legitimate part of life.

Had they not come over, nothing here would have been modified. Sure some people say, “How would I know to run quickly?” and I say, “You’re stupid. Have you ever heard of slow running?” –besides the movies just before the car explodes behind you. That’s cool.

“Look at the bomb. It blew up!”

“Yes, It blew up quickly.”

7) What is the main use of a semi-colon?

Medical questions? Man, this is harder than the census. The Semi-colon is located on the human body just before the colon. Let me just say that I’m a big believer in cancer screenings for semi-colorectal cancer.

8) “Jane invited John and me.” “Jane invited John and I.” Which is correct?

See, what I told you about Jane. She can’t even make up her mind. This is why she should not have to carry out her full sentence with John. I vote that her sentence be overturned.

9) “He should of told me that I wasn’t invited.” What’s the error in that sentence?

Simple. It’s never good to advise somebody that they are not wanted in a party. It’s always best to make up an excuse, such as “we’ll get back to you” or “they cheated” or “let’s wait until 2008”.

10) “Every person is entitled to their own opinion.” What’s the error in that sentence?

I disagree. Everyone is entitled to MY opinion — although, honestly speaking, opinions vary. Besides, I’ve met everyone. Really. And the only thing they want to talk about is whether or not Paula Abdul is dating Dependant Clause.

How shallow.

**

Excellent.

I’ll go back later and grade the test. Right now I need to sit and play some videogames.

Meant to finish up “IMW: Aw, Hell” today, but it just ain’t happening. Well, it will keep me from struggling for a post for Monday. As I said numerous times so far, politics has just been boring lately. I guess, since I’ve been blogging, we’ve had the build up to war to fill up time during these political off years. Right now the issues are Social Security and filibusters, and I’m just not that much of a policy wonk to get worked up by that. I guess I could talk about the British elections, but that’s like me commenting on an alien craft.
A very boring alien craft.
Anyway, I am the undisputed overlord of the blogdodecahedron, so I say we look to the future. Right now, I’m finally getting a handle on cleaning up all the comment spam. Comments and trackbacks are now closed for any post older than 14 days, which stops new sludge from coming in. As for cleaning up my archives to free up disk space and to keep them looking like a cesspool, I’ve found that actually going into the SQL database (if you know what that is – I don’t) seems the best way to find the old spam and delete it in mass. Soon IMAO will be a streamlined humor machine.
Also, I’m finally rushing to finish the book of all the In My Worlds™ up until Bush’s second inauguration. There will be a bit of new content, but mainly it will be the hundreds of posts preserved as they were. I’m excited about getting IMAO into print, and you should be to. :: shakes fist ::
Secretly, in the background, we IMAO bloggers are working on even more exciting, crazy things. One day, IMAO will be so funny that the mere mention of the letter I, M, A, and O will cause you to wet your pants in a Pavlovian response. Yes, the secret plans are that good.
Of course, we’re (meaning not me but the others writing for IMAO) are interested in your feedback on what you like and what you think would make IMAO even better and superer. Please place any suggestions in the comments, but, for pete’s sake, don’t e-mail me. I like the Carnival of Comedy, myself, and will put an old, favorite post as my entry each week. And Aquaman will be returning in force, eventually (for anyone who cares).
Wish I could be more funny, but the muse just ain’t there today (it was practically knocking me to the ground and beating me with a trashcan yesterday). Maybe it will come later. Who knows. As always, keep revisiting IMAO for whenever my funny or the funny of others will appear.
Be honorable, ronin.

Yesterday in New York, somebody filled two toy grenades with gunpoweder and set them off in a concrete plantholder outside the building housing the British Consulate.
Toy grenades?
What’s next? Setting a Barbie doll on fire on the White House lawn? Lighting one of those “snake” things on the floor of the UN? Frying an ant with a magnifying glass in Times Square?
Oh! The Humanity!
I’m not the only one who’s unimpressed, as shown by some of these quotes (margin of inaccuracy +/- CBS):

First, Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff has a few comments:
“They attacked a flowerpot. That’s not terrorism, that’s herbicide.”
“I can do more damage with a cross word and a dirty look.”
“Incompetent execution, no casualties, minimal damage – obviously not the work of REAL terrorists. Currently we suspect filthy hippies, possibly retarded ones.”
“Did you see the tiny little chunk it knocked out of that flowerpot? Cripes, I’ve gotten bigger explosions from trying to light a cigarette while sitting on the john after eating too many burritos.”
“That attack was so lame we’re actually going to LOWER the terror threat level because of it.”
“If it’s true that ‘you are what you attack’, that means these guys are pansies.”
Other reactions were similar:
Tony Blair: “NYAH! NYAH! You missed! Wankers!”
Queen Elizabeth: “England has had the entire Nazi Army breathing down her neck, and you expect us to be afraid because you blew up a Petunia? Sod off, ya bloody poofters!”
George W. Bush: “Seriously, I break s*** worse than that around the White House every day just from being a klutz.”
Detective Ian Competent, Washington D.C. Police Detective: “The fact that police are completely baffled indicates to me that this is unquestionably the work of the Rumsfeld Strangler.”
Glenn Reynolds: “Sorry. I was aiming for the hobo.”
Michael Moore: “They were freedom fighters protesting Bush’s illegal war for oil! They… OO! Twinkies!”

Let me know if you’ve heard anyone else say anything about this story.