(A Filthy Lie)
(With apologies to Monty Python)
[a customer walks in the door]
Evil Glenn: Good Morning.
Owner: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the American Flower Emporium!
Evil Glenn: Ah, thank you, my good man.
Owner: What can I do for you, Sir?
Evil Glenn: Well, I was sitting on my throne of blackest ice, filleting a hobo, when a glance at the calendar reminded me of my matriarchal celebratory duties.
Owner: Matriarchal, sir?
Evil Glenn: Maternal.
Owner: Eh?
Evil Glenn: It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Owner: Ah, Mother’s Day!
Evil Glenn: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, “a little blooming flora will do the trick,” so, I curtailed my homicidal activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some finely stemmed blossomry!
Owner: Come again?
Evil Glenn: I want to buy some flowers.
(…cont’d in extended entry…)

Owner: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bouzouki player!
Evil Glenn: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!
Owner: Sorry?
Evil Glenn: Yo! He be jammin’ bad, fo’ shizzle!
Owner: So he can go on playing, can he?
Evil Glenn: Most certainly! Now then, some flowers please, my good man.
Owner: Certainly, sir. What would you like?
Evil Glenn: Well, eh, how about some Forget-me-nots.
Owner: I’m afraid we’re fresh out of Forget-me-nots, sir.
Evil Glenn: Oh, never mind, how are you on Sunflowers?
Owner: I’m afraid we never have them at the end of the week, sir, we get them fresh on Monday.
Evil Glenn: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four of your sunniest Daffodils, if you please.
Owner: Ah! They’ve been on order, sir, for two weeks. Were expecting them this morning.
Evil Glenn: ‘T’s not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Foxglove?
Owner: Sorry, sir.
Evil Glenn: Spider Orchid?
Owner: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.
Evil Glenn: Ah. Lady’s Slipper?
Owner: Sorry.
Evil Glenn: Lupins? Chrysanthemums?
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Any Monkshood, per chance.
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Snapdragons?
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Goosefoot?
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Scarlet Plume?
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Lily of the Valley?
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Amaryllis?
Owner: (pause) No.
Evil Glenn: Blue Throatwort?
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Eustoma?
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Cockscomb, Gillyflower, Love-in-a-mist, Evening Primrose, Statice, Mimosa, Peony, Stonecrop, Montbretia?
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Carnations, perhaps?
Owner: Ah! We have Carnations, yessir.
Evil Glenn: (suprised) You do! Excellent.
Owner: Yessir. It’s..ah,… They’re a bit smelly…
Evil Glenn: Oh, I like them smelly.
Owner: Well,.. They’re very smelly, actually, sir.
Evil Glenn: No matter. Fetch hither the brightly petalled glory! Mmmwah!
Owner: I…think they’re a bit smellier than you’ll like them, sir.
Evil Glenn: I don’t care how f**ing smelly they are. Hand it over with all speed.
Owner: Oooooooooohhh……..! (pause)
Evil Glenn: What now?
Owner: The goat’s eaten them.
Evil Glenn: (pause) Has he.
Owner: She, sir.
Evil Glenn: (pause) Lavender?
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Bee Balm?
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Snow on the Mountain?
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Painter’s Pallette?
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Queen Anne’s Lace?
Owner: No, sir.
Evil Glenn: You…do *have some flowers, don’t you?
Owner: (brightly) Of course, sir. It’s a flower shop, sir. We’ve got–
Evil Glenn: No no… don’t tell me. I’m keen to guess.
Owner: Fair enough.
Evil Glenn: Uuuuuh, Sweet William.
Owner: Yes?
Evil Glenn: Ah, well, I’ll have some of those!
Owner: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. William Wensleydale, that’s my name.
Evil Glenn: (pause) Sneezeweed?
Owner: Uh, not as such.
Evil Glenn: Uuh, Hyacinth?
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Kansas Feather,
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Lady’s Mantle,
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Kangaroo Paw,
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: African Corn Lily,
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Alpine Thistle,
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Chincherinchee?
Owner: Not today, sir, no.
Evil Glenn: (pause) Aah, how about Roses?
Owner: Well, we don’t get much call for it around here, sir.
Evil Glenn: Not much ca– it’s the single most popular flower in the world!
Owner: Not ’round here, sir.
Evil Glenn: (slight pause) and what IS the most popular flower ’round hyah?
Owner: Marigolds, sir.
Evil Glenn: IS it.
Owner: Oh, yes, it’s staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.
Evil Glenn: Is it.
Owner: It’s our number one best seller, sir!
Evil Glenn: I see. Uuh…Marigolds, eh?
Owner: Right, sir.
Evil Glenn: All right. Okay. ‘Have you got any?’ he asked, expecting the answer ‘no’.
Owner: I’ll have a look, sir……..nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.
Evil Glenn: It’s not much of a flower shop, is it?
Owner: Finest in the district!
Evil Glenn: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
Owner: Well, it’s so clean, sir!
Evil Glenn: It’s certainly uncontaminated by flowers….
Owner: (brightly) You haven’t asked me about Daisies, sir.
Evil Glenn: Would it be worth it?
Owner: Could be….
Evil Glenn: Have you –SHUT THAT BLOODY BOUZOUKI OFF!
Owner: Told you sir….
Evil Glenn: (slowly) Have you got any Daisies?
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:
Owner: Yessir?
Evil Glenn: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any flowers here at all.
Owner: Yes, sir.
Evil Glenn: Really?
(pause)
Owner: No. Not really, sir.
Evil Glenn: You haven’t.
Owner: No sir. Not a stem. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.
Evil Glenn: Well I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to shoot you.
Owner: Right-Oh, sir.
(Evil Glenn takes out a gun and shoots the owner)
Evil Glenn: What a senseless waste of human life.