Yesterday in New York, somebody filled two toy grenades with gunpoweder and set them off in a concrete plantholder outside the building housing the British Consulate.
Toy grenades?
What’s next? Setting a Barbie doll on fire on the White House lawn? Lighting one of those “snake” things on the floor of the UN? Frying an ant with a magnifying glass in Times Square?
Oh! The Humanity!
I’m not the only one who’s unimpressed, as shown by some of these quotes (margin of inaccuracy +/- CBS):
First, Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff has a few comments:
“They attacked a flowerpot. That’s not terrorism, that’s herbicide.”
“I can do more damage with a cross word and a dirty look.”
“Incompetent execution, no casualties, minimal damage – obviously not the work of REAL terrorists. Currently we suspect filthy hippies, possibly retarded ones.”
“Did you see the tiny little chunk it knocked out of that flowerpot? Cripes, I’ve gotten bigger explosions from trying to light a cigarette while sitting on the john after eating too many burritos.”
“That attack was so lame we’re actually going to LOWER the terror threat level because of it.”
“If it’s true that ‘you are what you attack’, that means these guys are pansies.”
Other reactions were similar:
Tony Blair: “NYAH! NYAH! You missed! Wankers!”
Queen Elizabeth: “England has had the entire Nazi Army breathing down her neck, and you expect us to be afraid because you blew up a Petunia? Sod off, ya bloody poofters!”
George W. Bush: “Seriously, I break s*** worse than that around the White House every day just from being a klutz.”
Detective Ian Competent, Washington D.C. Police Detective: “The fact that police are completely baffled indicates to me that this is unquestionably the work of the Rumsfeld Strangler.”
Glenn Reynolds: “Sorry. I was aiming for the hobo.”
Michael Moore: “They were freedom fighters protesting Bush’s illegal war for oil! They… OO! Twinkies!”
Let me know if you’ve heard anyone else say anything about this story.
24 should do a season on that. Jack Bauer can scream at the 6 year kid who owned the toy gernade.
Bauer: WHERE’S THE TOY GERNADE?!?!
TELL ME NOW, OR SOME PLANTS WILL DIE!!!
Boy: I want my mommy!
Three cheers for the Queen!
Hip Hip Hooray!
Hip Hip Hooray!
Hip Hip Hooray!
Cheers, Allen
Aquaman: Even I could probably beat those guys without the help of my fish friends.
Ha. Dirty retarded hippies.
Liked the British stuff too.
Has anyone seen GreenPeace’s response to this horrendous attack on plant life? I hope they say they’re going to launch couter strikes on terrorist factions. That way I could watch tree hugging hippies vrs. suicide bombers on the news.
Dirty Harry: I know what you’re thinking. Did he fire 5 shots or 6? Well, you’ve got to ask yourself, “Do I feel lucky?” Well do… What the f***?! Are those toy grenades?! Okay, I’m going to spare the suspense (BANG!) – it was 5, punk.
Jimmy Hoffa: “This is what happens when you bring in scab terrorists. How many times have I told you to stick to the union label?”
A bungled attack that didn’t accomplish anything it set out to? Sounds like Kofi Annan and the UN are branching out from the Oil-for-Food business.
John Kerry: “Drat, I shoulda been down the street! I could’ve gotten a piece of dust in my eye and gotten my fourth Purple Heart! Then I’d be a shoo-in for 2008! ‘Not only was I in Vietnam, but I’m a wounded veteran of the War on Plant Life!'”
Ward Churchill: “That plant was a little Eichmann, and it got what it deserved.”
Some Random Commie Italian Journalist: “Those dirty Americans! A cop was running down the street to make sure everybody was okay, and bumped into me! He almost knocked me over!”
stops to cry hysterically
“Oh, the HORROR…”
cries some more
Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger: Is my English that bad? I said to “blow up The Moon” not “A couple of concrete planters in New York City outside the British Consulate with a pair of dummy grenades at 3am”
Mattel® spokesman Ken Peddler: ”This is the sort of ineptitude that gives our products a bad name, and sends the wrong message to the children, whatever that message may be.”
ROFLMAO!!!
Oh, thank you, thank you. This week SUCKED and I desperately needed that.
Rumsfield: “In my day, I would do more damage with a stick. And I would have to fight off a pteryadactyl to even get the stick.”
Senatorette Barbara Boxer (D-Pansyville): “As a representative of the nation’s largest collection of pansies, I find this attack to be horrific. First they blow up pansies in a pot then, the next thing you know, they blow up pansies on pot. THIS MUST BE STOPPED!”
Ted Rall: “Uhh… Bush is Hitler?”
Ted Kennedy: “As long as it wasn’t barley I don’t give a rat’s a**!”
Jauques chirac: “WE SURRENDER!”
Senator Harry Reid said: Whoever did this is a loser!…I’m sorry, I crossed the line, I apologize.
Moore is a chocodile man. There just aren’t enough calories in a twinkie to support Mr. Moore. I think he smothers the chocodiles in clareified butter before serving them, as well.
Bush: This is proof that North Korea as Weapons of Minimal Destruction. Let’s bomb someone! Quick! My popularity’s waning!!!
Reid and Pelosi held a press conference, and jointly agreed that Bush’s policies clearly are bad for the poorest Pansies in our country, and decided that Reid would filibuster something. Pelosi, on her usual dose of anti-understandants, blinked in a confused fashion.
Ted Kennedy, in a speech oddly reminiscent of his late brother’s “I am a Berliner” address, declared “I am a Pansy!”. His remarks were peppered by slurred words and spittle.
An animal testing facility across the street, fearing a PETA attack, promptly released scores of gerbils, who promptly ran up Kennedy’s ass, ending the drunken declarations of floral solidarity.
DNC Chairweenie Howard Dean: “AAAAARRRRRGGGHHHH!”
Senator Hillary Rodham Rodham: “This is exactly why ALL American Flowers deserve Universal Horticultural Care!”
Husband Bill: “…What she say? Did someone blow up Gennifer Flowers? [to himself: “I thought I ‘called off’ that hit…”]
Is there another kind?