WASHINGTON (AP) – In a move that surprised backers and detractors alike, President Trump announced that he would embrace and support the goals of the Green New Deal program to completely halt all climate change. Even more surprising is the method by which he plans to do it: creating a vast government bureaucracy designed to promote and accelerate the rate of climate change.

At a Rose Garden press conference, President Trump explained his plan.

“In a way,” began Trump, “I have my predecessor to thank for this idea. More specifically, his signature ‘accomplishment’, Obamacare. Look what people were getting after Obamacare got put into place. Three times the premiums, half the coverage, doctors ‘retiring’ early, with fewer new physicians than ever entering the field. If we had deliberately set out to destroy the health care industry, I can’t think of a single thing we’d do differently.”

“So that gave me an idea,” Trump continued, “Why don’t we take the government’s one indisputable skills – a grotesque, almost comical, incompetence – and put it to work FOR us instead of letting it ruin people’s lives like it usually does. Why not actually have the government TRY to create climate change? It’d kill it faster than a windshield bug on a NASCAR track. Splat! No more climate change.”

“I’m taking the best… well, worst… well, YOU know… ideas from some of our least competent bureaucracies,” said Trump. “Housing and Urban Development, Education, Labor, Transportation, Energy… like a who’s who of ‘oh no’! You’ve heard of the Peter Principle? Well, we plan to put the Peterest people possible on this project. If he’ll accept, we’ll put Hermes Conrad in charge of it. If he refuses, or turns out to be fictional because my advisors are messing with me, we’ll find someone even worse.”

Democrat reaction to the plan was mixed.

Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, the Green New Deal’s biggest champion, vociferously opposed the Trump plan.

“What? No! No, no, no, no, NO! This was MY idea!” said Ocasio-Cortez. “He can’t just come in here and turn it upside down and pretend he can make it work. I know this plan. I created this plan. NOTHING can make it work! Well, not anytime soon. I mean, it’s supposed to be a long-term easing into certain restrictions and controls that will make energy creation more… manageable… for those of us who’ll be in charge of it. I’m 28. I could be in charge until I’m 78. That’s a good 35 or 40 years from now. When I said we only had 12 years left, I didn’t mean for ME!”

In contrast, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi suggested that she and the President might be able to find areas of agreement that would allow them to work together.

“President Trump and I have had our… differences,” admitted Pelosi, “but I have a constituency to keep happy. I’ve got labor unions and party bosses, and they all have ne’er do well relatives, and they all need cushy, unfireable jobs. So if that’s what Trump’s handing out, I don’t care what the work is. I don’t even care if they succeed or fail, as long as they get paid. So I definitely feel like there’s room for bipartisanship here.”

The bill comes before the House for a vote next week, unless the paperwork gets lost before then, in which case those responsible will be put in charge of the project.

[IMAO Ace Reporters walruskkkch and blarg contributed to this story]

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