The concept of human love was invented by greeting card companies to make money

— Michael Kupperman (@MKupperman) February 14, 2014

I hate when I show up to a bank robbery and another guy is wearing the same Nixon mask.

— Viktor Winetrout, Jr (@Cpin42) February 14, 2014

"No matter how hard or how high, I'll always be there to catch you when you fall." -the ground

— Joss Whedon (@josswhedon) February 14, 2014

If Comcast buys Time Warner I really could see holding on the phone for 3 to 5 weeks.

— Albert Brooks (@AlbertBrooks) February 15, 2014

One thing the Jetsons didn't predict about the future is all the different flavors of hummus.

— Avery Monsen (@averymonsen) February 16, 2014

Kindle is actually a terrible name for something that's so like a book and yet is so much harder to set on fire.

— Sixth Form Poet (@sixthformpoet) February 16, 2014

Comedy is mostly taking your pain from childhood trauma and pretending it was caused by stuff at airports.

— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) February 16, 2014

damn girl are you a Cool Action Movie Hero & im an explosion? cause you won't even look at me

— EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) February 17, 2014

What idiot decided to call it "Hoth" instead of "Coldth"?

— Death Star PR (@DeathStarPR) February 17, 2014

I smell sex and candy, here / who had sex in my candy, chair

— michael (@michaeljhudson) February 18, 2014