Archive of entries posted on 13th February 2014

I Like My Black Guys Like I Like My Coffee: Dark and in No Way Associated With Filthy Liberal Starbucks Baristas

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I recognize Clarence Thomas, Allen West, Herman Cain, and Thomas Sowell. Help me out with the two guys in the middle.

By the way, you ever notice that every “African-American” in Obama’s cabinet isn’t really black? More of a pale, sickly shade of yellow.

Go ahead. Name me one deep-ebony face that Obama’s appointed to anything.

That’s one of the (many) reasons I like Herman Cain. His skin is dark enough that it looks spectacular above a gold necktie.

If This Quote were 140 Characters, the Title of This Post Would Be “Awesome Tweet!”

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[High Praise! to Ratlands]

Leave your concealed carry weapon locked in your vehicle for a couple of hours while you attend to business inside a county jail in 8° weather. When you re-holster your weapon in your Inside the Waist Band concealed carry holster, you quickly learn the Beatles were right when they said “Happiness is a warm gun.”

Lactose the Intolerant’s Valentine’s Day Tips

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For those of you who, unlike me, have procrastinated making Valentine’s Day plans and purchasing gifts, here are some tips to celebrating the holiday that have helped me in the past.

  • I challenge any women to tell the difference between the See’s Chocolates fresh from the store and the slightly marred ones I salvaged from their dumpster
  • When looking for flowers, funeral homes and cemeteries always have the nicest arrangements
  • It may seem like a good idea to give housekeeping supplies as a gift, but that is never well received
  • Make sure the escort you order is less attractive than your significant other
  • While surprises may be exciting, it is sometimes best to talk about things first.  Valentine’s Day may not be the best time to unexpectedly bring out the edible clown makeup for the first time
  • I have learned through sad experience that, despite rumors to the contrary, conversation hearts are not an aphrodisiac, and they are also a poor substitute for use in either conversation or transplantation
  • A Human Centipede marathon is a poor way to get her in the mood
  • Reenactments of the St. Valentine’s Day massacre aren’t generally regarded as sexy to most women
  • No matter how much they complain about their weight, women are never happy when you give them a gym membership for Valentine’s Day
  • Don’t waste your time with jewelry. There is never any in the dumpster behind the store, and the stuff you can steal from grandma’s bedroom is way too tacky

Obama Warned Us – Role of Government

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The role of government has never been to plan every detail or dictate every outcome. At its best, government has simply knocked away barriers to opportunity and laid the foundation for a better future. Our people — with all their drive and ingenuity — always end up building the rest. And if we can do that again — if we can continue building that foundation and making those hard decisions on behalf of the next generation — I have no doubt that we will leave our children the America that we all hope for.

BARACK OBAMA, speech at Carnegie Mellon University, Jun. 2, 2010

“One where government finally CAN plan every detail and dictate every outcome.”

Random Thoughts: Wendy Davis and Nagin

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You’re always an idiot to get excited for a politician, but the people propping up Wendy Davis as a hero were beyond the pale stupid.

Ace is right; this needs to be a standard talking point: “Even Wendy Davis is against abortion after 20 weeks.”

If Dems were angrier about what happened about Katrina than they were gleeful to have an attack on Bush, would have condemned Nagin ages ago.

What’s in a name?

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ARedRoseHowLovelySheila Crabtree is no longer. But she is Sexy.

According to the Columbus Dispatch — from that fake Columbus in Ohio, not the real Columbus in Georgia — Sheila Crabtree hated her name — the “Sheila” part, not the “Crabtree” part — so she had it changed. And, her new first name is “Sexy,” after a judge in Licking County, Ohio granted her request.

Why “Sexy?” Well, she explained:

“I wear Victoria’s Secret clothes all the time,” said Crabtree, who doesn’t want you to know how old she is. “I was like, ‘Shoot, I’ll just go for Sexy.’”

So, having the name “Sexy” makes her sexy? Sad news for you ma’am. If you weren’t sexy before, you won’t be sexy afterwards, no matter what your driver’s license says.

I’m worried, though, that others may follow her lead, and change their name to something they desperately want to be, but aren’t. For instance, I fully expect Barack Obama to change his name to Really Smart Guy. Because if anything says the opposite of really smart, it’s Barack.

Maybe MSNBC will change its name to TheNetworkEveryoneWatches.

Or the Winter Olympics to ThingsThatAreActuallyInterestingToWatch.

Or the 12-member Big Ten Conference to WeReallyDoKnowHowToCount Conference.

Or the 10-member Big Twelve Conference to the WeWillHaveTwelveMembersAgainOneDayMaybe Conference.

Apple could change its name to WeAreNotJustForDouchebags.

Microsoft could become BlueScreenOfDeathNeverHeardOfIt.

I wonder where else this trend might lead.