[High Praise! to Freedom Is Just Another Word]
Archive of entries posted on 12th February 2014
Citizens for a REALLY Safe Ashland
[High Praise! to AT]
[Citizen satirizes proposed local firearms ordinances] (Viewer #215,609)
The audio quality is… less than optimal… but you should be able to enjoy it in spite of that.
Have They Considered Hovel-Schooling?
The US spent 5 years and $200 million on a program to teach Afghan soldiers to read, but a new report reveals that effort was a failure.
Shocking. It’s just so hard to imagine a government-funded education system that didn’t work.
And If Obama Had a Daughter…
Link of the Day: Satire – Obama Downplays Talk of His Own National Holiday
[High Praise! to ScrappleFace]
Obama Downplays Talk of His Own National Holiday
[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]
Wisdom of the Day: Bush Obamacare Spy Magician Girlfriend Chocula
9/11 was an outside job, but only because it was contracted out. Bush hired Al-Qaeda to be more cost effective. He was a good President.
— America (@doctorveritas) February 11, 2014
To understand the latest rewrites, think of ObamaCare as a giraffe, and Obama as a Danish zookeeper.
— John Hayward (@Doc_0) February 11, 2014
Obama: "There's no country where we have a no-spy agreement." The United States doesn't even have a no-spy agreement with the United States.
— CC:Indecision (@indecision) February 11, 2014
Whenever a magician says, "A good magician never reveals his secret!", put a hand on his shoulder and whisper, "Is it loneliness?"
— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) February 11, 2014
Whenever I'm upset that I don't have a girlfriend I just remember the many other more glaring setbacks in my life.
— Tyler Schmall (@tylerschmall) February 11, 2014
I'll accept Count Chocula & Frankenberry, but Human Centipuffs is going too far.
— Michael Kupperman (@MKupperman) February 12, 2014
I Think I Broke the Planet
Scientists are now warning that the Earth’s magnetic field is weakening.
How do you suppose environmentalists will demand we fix THIS? Stop using refrigerator magnets?
Obama Warned Us – Rules vs. Markets
There has always been a tension between the desire to allow markets to function without interference and the absolute necessity of rules to prevent markets from falling out of kilter. But managing that tension, one that we’ve debated since the founding of this nation, is what has allowed our country to keep up with a changing world.
BARACK OBAMA, speech, Apr. 22, 2010
“Yes, by continuing to stifle freedom and innovation, we guarantee that we’ll stay right up there with every other second- and third-world rat-hole nation.”
Straight Line of the Day: While Being Visited in DC by the French President, President Obama…
Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.
While being visited in DC by the French President, President Obama…
The Secret Life of Barack Obama – Part 6
Reporter: With all the criticism your administration has been receiving regarding what amounts to an NSA data mining operation targeting citizens, are you planning on changing the NSA surveillance policies?
Obama: Let me be perfectly clear. It is important that we maintain this level of surveillance in order to protect ourselves from threats. I can assure you that you can trust us with this sensitive information.
Reporter: What would you say to those who claim it seems a bit too much like Big Brother is watching? And can you be specific about what threats?
Obama (watching telescreens showing the communal prole women’s showers and speaking into intercom): Threats from Eurasia and Eastasia, of course. Now don’t bother me again. I’m busy surveilling (returns to watching the prole women’s showers).
Biden (entering): Hey, Big Brother.
Obama (Big Brother): Hey Little Brother. You know, after putting Michelle in charge of the Ministry of Plenty, spying on the citizenry is much more pleasant. Those forced starvation rations based on her school lunch guidelines are working wonders. No more fatties. But, hey, what’s up?
Biden: Can’t you notice? I just got back from the Ministry of Death for my annual preventative medical exam. Can you see what has changed? (posing jauntily)
Obama: How could I miss it?
Biden: Don’t you love it? After being on the waiting list for almost 8 months, I finally got my whisker plugs. Now I have a mustache as full and luxurious as yours.
Obama: Have you seen it yet? You may want to check a mirror.
Biden: What the……?
Obama: No stache at all. But those are some mighty fine handlebar eyebrows you are sporting now, though. (starts stroking Joe’s eyebrows) Feels kind of coarse and crinkly. And is that Speedstick? I think they may have gotten the transplant from your pits. You might not want that particular hair right under your sniffer, anyway.
Biden: I thought it felt wrong somehow. Ooooooo. I feel a two minute hate coming on.
Hillary (enters): Trivia question. You know the origins of that two minute hate, don’t you?
Biden: Uh, no.
Hillary: We had to go with the lowest common denominator. It takes you that long to count to ten and cool off.
Biden (sarcastically): Ha, ha, ha. And that is a two minute hate on you too. A two minute hate on both of you.
Pelosi: And you look hideous. Let me guess. Dr. Nick screwed up a procedure again.
Obama: Yeah, the Ministry of Death has had its fair share of mix ups after we put Dr. Nick Riviera in charge. His late night advertisements looked so promising, too. I thought he would bring his brand of high quality care and bargain basement prices to government healthcare. I guess you get what you don’t pay for.
Biden: He’s still running things better than Sibelius.
Obama: Totally.
Biden: I’m still pretty cheesed about this mustache mix up. I do look hideous. The Ministry of Praise is gonna hear about this.
Obama: No, no, no. Stay away from the Ministry of Praise. They’ll just send you to the Ministry of Love’s GITMO facility and you’ll never get your mustache that way. A lot of Room 101s down there. But not to worry. You’re not a prole. In a couple of months you can get that mix up fixed up. It’s just business as usual. We can’t expect perfection in the system, even when you know as much as I do. Remember a couple of years ago when Michelle ‘encouraged’ people to lose weight by ‘voluntarily’ following her ration plan? Well, about that time the Ministry of Death reported a sharp decline in liposuction procedures. Makes sense, right. But then what happened? At about that same time, the Ministry of Plenty began complaining about shortages in cooking fat. Who knew liposuction and cooking fat supplies were related? Who would have guessed it? Who knew that was where prole cooking fat came from? Central planning is hard. But what brings you here, Hillary? We already had the Ministry of Truth write things up making you the hero of Benghazi. What more do you want?
Hillary: Oh, I caught Bill with another intern, so I placed an anonymous tip accusing him of thoughtcrimes. He’s in room 101 now. I was hoping you could pull it up on the telescreen so I could watch.
Obama: Oh, of course. Of course. Wouldn’t miss it. Here we go.
Telescreen changes to show Bill strapped to a chair nude in room 101.
Interrogator: What does 2 + 2 = 4?
Joe (yelling at telescreen): I know. I know. 5! 5! 5!
Obama: Good job, Little Brother.
Bill: 4. It equals 4.
Interrogator: I guess it will come to this after all. Bring in the boxers.
Assistants cart in a pair of wire, mesh boxers with a cage at the front full of hungry rats.
Interrogator: You asked me before, Bill, what was in room 101. You already knew. Everyone does. Room 101 contains the worst thing in the world. It goes beyond fear or pain or death. It is unendurable. And it varies from individual to individual. It may be being buried alive. Or castration or a great many other things. In your case, it is castration by rats.
Bill: No!
Hillary: Yes! Yes! Yes!
Bill: No. Please. What is it you want me to do?
Interrogator: You know what is required of you.
Bill: How can I do it if I don’t know what it is?
Interrogator: In the proletarian areas, they will attack a baby and within five minutes strip it to the bone. They attack the sick and dying. They show astonishing intelligence in knowing when a human being is helpless.
Bill: Please.
Interrogator: The boxers fit over your crotch, leaving no exit. I press the first lever, and the rats move into the front compartment. I press the second and the door to the cage will slide up. The starving brutes will shoot at you like bullets. Have you ever seen a rat leap through the air? They will leap onto your crotch and eat right into it. I will leave the details to your imagination.
Bill: Please tell me. What do you want?
Interrogator (pulls first lever)
Bill: Do it to her.
Interrogator: To the intern?
Bill: No, no, no. Not the intern. She’s hot. No. Do it to Hillary. No one likes her. No one will miss her. Do it to her. Then we will all be happy. That is what you must want.
Hillary: Oh, you bastard! Let me at him!
Bill: Please. Please. Do it to her. Do it to her. Do it to Hillary. That is what we all want. Please. Please.
Reporter: Please, Mr. President. One follow up question.
Obama: I will field no further questions at this time. Good afternoon.
Random Thoughts: Olympics, Clintons, and Valentine’s Day
It’s always so surprising to me that America never seems to stand out on the Olympic competitions that involve shooting.
You never get tired of eating bacon. You only get full.
Bob Costas’s Olympics coverage will now be on pay-per-view — a nickel a gander.
Weird that the only area where the left are clear on the rights of private organizations is when it comes to censoring views they don’t like.
Do we really need special exposes to tell us the Clintons are awful people? Shouldn’t that be in the history books by now?
Obama knows there are a lot of lonely people on Valentine’s Day, so to help he’s mandated you must get a girlfriend or pay a fine.
So where does trying to get rapists the vote factor in the War on Women?
A fight on the debt ceiling wouldn’t have been smart, but it’s not like giving more money to irresponsible idiots is smart either.
The nice thing about government possibly collapsing under debt is that control then automatically goes to the right-wing nutjobs with guns.
One day I’ll sit alone at the cool kids’ table.
Are some people celebrating raising the debt limit? Even if you think it’s necessary, the emotion should still be shame.
I love 5 Guys, but the one thing they need to improve is their method for remembering whether to put bacon on a burger.
“There’s nothing in the curling rule book saying the skip can’t be a dog.” -script for new Air Bud movie I’m writing
Winter Olympics Primer: Curling
Curling is a popular sport that nobody understands. What I mean is nobody understands why it is popular. Perhaps we can Help! Here’s your Guide to Curling.
Play begins when the team’s Mad Scientist — don’t let these technical terms confuse you, just follow along — hands the next player (called the “Lead Guitarist”) the Fiendish Thingy.
The Lead Guitarist takes the Fiendish Thingy and runs forward…
… then slides it down the ice toward the other players.
The goal is to knock over the player with the French-looking shirt (called the “Drummer”).
If the Lead Guitarist fails to knock over the Drummer, he and another player (called the “Lead Singer”) tackle the Drummer…
… dragging him across a red line to where another player (called the “Bass Player”) is positioned.
The Fiendish Thingy then blows up…
… at which time the team locates the White Cliffs of Dover. First one there wins.
Now, you’ll be able to enjoy Curling with a firm knowledge of the rules. I’m glad we could Help!
Science Settled: Facebook Doomed
A new study by two Princeton University doctoral students predicts that Facebook users will lose interest in the social media platform, causing it to lose 80% of its peak membership by 2017.
And if they’re wrong, they’re a lock for jobs with a government climate change panel.