9/11 was an outside job, but only because it was contracted out. Bush hired Al-Qaeda to be more cost effective. He was a good President.

— America (@doctorveritas) February 11, 2014

To understand the latest rewrites, think of ObamaCare as a giraffe, and Obama as a Danish zookeeper.

— John Hayward (@Doc_0) February 11, 2014

Obama: "There's no country where we have a no-spy agreement." The United States doesn't even have a no-spy agreement with the United States.

— CC:Indecision (@indecision) February 11, 2014

Whenever a magician says, "A good magician never reveals his secret!", put a hand on his shoulder and whisper, "Is it loneliness?"

— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) February 11, 2014

Whenever I'm upset that I don't have a girlfriend I just remember the many other more glaring setbacks in my life.

— Tyler Schmall (@tylerschmall) February 11, 2014

I'll accept Count Chocula & Frankenberry, but Human Centipuffs is going too far.

— Michael Kupperman (@MKupperman) February 12, 2014