Every truck is a food truck if you're a cannibal

— Megan Amram (@meganamram) March 27, 2015

precisely. what's the problem? pic.twitter.com/gFBhtL73JD

— sadvil (@crylenol) March 27, 2015

Meet the woman who's job was saved by mentioning that her tweets don't represent the views of her employer

— Salon (@Salondotcom) March 28, 2015

Girl, are you a girl? Because I like girls.

— Rainbow Brite (@Cool_Jesse) March 28, 2015

FUN PRANK: 1. DVR a lotto drawing 2. Buy your wife a ticket with the drawn numbers 3. Play back drawing & pretend it's live 4. Hire a lawyer

— dan mentos (@DanMentos) March 28, 2015

Oh, you like naughty girls? *overwaters plant*

— Punkass Poison (@perchicoree) March 28, 2015

Am I a good person? No. But do I try to be better every single day? Also no

— Nice Hippo (@NicestHippo) March 28, 2015

Don't let a nuclear-armed Iran distract us from America's #1 threat – Indiana bakeries

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) March 29, 2015

Next book I write will have an upside down cover so whoever's reading it looks like an idiot.

— Jason Lastname (@JasonLastname) March 29, 2015

always the pallbearer never the corpse

— jomny sun (@jonnysun) March 29, 2015

We all have that ONE uncle who kills our dad and illegitimately assumes the kingship

— Ristolable (@Ristolable) March 29, 2015

ROBBER: gimme the $ or u get the glock CASHIER: never R: *pulls out glockenspiel and plays a moving piece* C: *crying* take it. take it all

— very nice kyle (@hippieswordfish) March 30, 2015

Saying the same thing over and over again but expecting different results is called parenting.

— ShesAMatzaGenius (@ShesARealGenius) March 30, 2015