Today being 6/6/6 should only serve to remind us that Satan is everywhere.
Yes, even at the park.
So what can you do to battle Satan? You can listen to me, that’s what.
A FRANK GUIDE TO BATTLING SATAN
Archive of posts filed under the Best of IMAO 2006 category.
ManBearPig Facts
FACT: ManBearPig is half man, half bear, half pig.
FACT: ManBearPig wants to destroy everything you care about.
FACT: If ManBearPig is not stopped, BILLIONS WILL DIE OVER THE NEXT HUNDRED YEARS!
FACT: If you remain ignorant of the threat of ManBearPig, YOUR GRANDCHILDREN WILL DIE!
FACT: I’m feeling a little woozy.
Oh, Snap!
Global Warming Facts
FACT: There is global warming. It’s not just an urban legend to make you buy AC units.
FACT: The main culprit for global warming is the sun. You may think that assertion is ridiculous since we are separated from the sun by the vast vacuum of space, but heat can be transferred by radiation WHICH CAN EVEN OCCUR THROUGH A VACUUM!
FACT: Global warming is affected by the actions of man. If you don’t believe me, fiddle with the thermostat. The temperature will change because of your actions, THE ACTIONS OF MAN!
FACT: If we don’t do anything about global warming, BILLIONS WILL DIE OVER THE NEXT HUNDRED YEARS!
FACT: If you remain ignorant about the issue, YOUR GRANDCHILDREN WILL DIE!
FACT: I am not a climatologist, BUT I CAN WRITE IN ALL CAPS!
FACT: All of these actually are facts.
So what are you going to do?
Today’s Question
Maybe, for more traffic, I need more reader interaction to act like I care about you people. So here is a question for everyone: What are some fun things to set on fire?
Here’s what I like buring:
* Action figures
* Things insured for more than they are currently worth
* Bridges
* Monkeys
* Fire wood
What do you like to set on fire?
America Has Too Many Citizens
An Editorial by Frank J.
The other day, I saw some weird thing I didn’t understand. It was some electronic thing with blinking lights. I smashed it with a bat. You may say, “Hey, Frank, you shouldn’t have been so quick to smash that with a bat. You should have waited to find out what that was; it could have been a good thing.” To which I say, “Hey, Pollyanna, it also could have been a bad thing that could have destroyed us all. All I know for certain was that I didn’t understand it, so I smashed it with a bat. That’s my policy.” There are some things, though, that I don’t understand but am unable to smash with a bat. Like, I don’t understand why America has so many citizens. So, when I can’t understand something but also can’t smash it with a bat, I write an editorial. In a way, editorials are my bats to smash concepts I don’t understand, and, in this case, why America has so many citizens is the electronic thing with blinky lights that needs to be smashed.
“With each revision, I get a longer period of non-murderous fruit-picking.”
Do you know how many citizens America has? Hundreds of millions. That’s a lot of people. To put it in a concept easier to grasp, think of one man standing in an auditorium. Now, think of a hundred million times that. And think of some of them as Mexican. That’s scary!
Every day, the best and brightest of other countries come to America to be citizens, but, at the same time, we don’t throw out our worst and dumbest. Why? Well, everyone who is born in America gets citizenship automatically. I know; it’s not like being born is such an accomplishment (well, it’s a bit harder since Roe v. Wade), but, still, that’s all you have to do and you’re here forever even if you’re a moron and you suck. That’s not right. Everyone should have to prove his or her citizenship.
Of course, I would easily get citizenship. I work hard, I am super-smart, and I know how to use firearms; I’m the model every citizen should follow. I’m even working on making robots to pick fruit so we don’t need illegal aliens to do that. So far, they all eventually go on murderous rampages, but, with each revision, I get a longer period of non-murderous fruit-picking. Anyway, I could not understand how anyone could think I should not be a citizen. In fact, I would smash such a person with a bat.
So, smart people who design fruit-picking robots should be citizens, but smelly hippies who whine about America should not. For each immigrant we take, we should deport at least three hippies. Other countries may not like us forcing them to take our wretched refuse, but that’s why we have a whole military designed to kill foreigners. They can make countries like whatever we want them to like.
So let’s make a better country by being more discriminate about our citizens. First thing, let’s revoke everyone’s citizenship, including especially Congress’s. Then, everyone has to prove their worth or be deported to whatever country we’re currently bullying. It may not be Constitutional, but the Supreme Court will have their citizenship revoked too, so the point is moot.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as “Making Robots Less-Murderous: A Beginner’s Guide to Robot Design” and “Smashing Hamlet with a Bat: A Guide to Shakespeare from Someone Who Didn’t Understand It”.
Who Doesn’t Love a Giant Flaming Wall?
I hear some private citizens are going to construct their own wall along the Mexican border in the style of the wall the Israelis built to keep crazies from trying to blown them up. I think this is a bad idea. If we have walls like the Israelis, then we’ll be just like them, and I want to worship Jesus. I have a better idea.
A wall of fire!
It would be like one of those eternal flame memorials, except all along the Mexican border and the fire would shoot up 25 feet in the air. And think of the advantages of a wall of flame:
* Can’t be graffitied. Fire burns paint.
* Can’t be scaled. Fire is not only hot, it is not a solid.
* It’ll be really cool looking. Think of all the tourism to see the wall of fire. And it will be great to have barbecues next to.
* Illegal immigrants are much more scared of fire than concrete. There are studies to prove this.
This looks like an awesome idea. Considering the cost, we could build one along the Canadian border too. With all this focus on the Mexicans, let’s not forget those devious canuks. Not even their armies of meese will be able to get past our flames.
Just more outside of the box thinking from your friend Frank J. Hell, I lost my box years ago.
Fun Trivia
A 3% excise tax on long-distance telephone calls that was enacted in 1898 to help fund the Spanish-American War is now being done away with. Why?
It’s Always Convenient to Make Fun of Al Gore
Do you know that Al Gore has a movie coming out called An Inconvenient Truth, and it’s supposed to be the scariest movie ever. In fact, before you see it, you have to sign a waiver that you will not hold Al Gore responsible if you drop dead from fright while watching the movie.
You see, the movie contains nothing but Al Gore and a bunch of slides.
I know! It’s freaky just thinking about it. I heard from a friend of mine that his cousin knew this guy who was forced to watch Al Gore give a lecture with PowerPoint slides, and, afterwards, the guy ATE HIS OWN FACE!
You’re probably wondering (but too scared to ask) “What is Al Gore going to talk about?” Well, I’ll tell you, but it’s scary…
(scary warning)
Continue reading ‘It’s Always Convenient to Make Fun of Al Gore’ »
Where Are the Trolls of Yesteryear?
Who hear misses The Limey? For those who missed that famous pen pal friendship, here’s a link to the final episode that has links to the previous episodes (they need to be read in order for full effect). I have to admit, I do scan the comments of the trolls we get today in hopes there is a Rage Against the Machine reference, but there won’t be another like The Limey. Also, I’ve came to the conclusion a while ago that stringing trolls on for public humiliation is just a little too mean for me.
Still, if you want to engage trolls, I have some advice. Now, I’m no troll expert – IMAO doesn’t get as many trolls as the serious political sites – but I think I have some experience to impart. Anyway, here’s the main rule:
NEVER TRY TO ENGAGE A TROLL DIRECTLY.
Trying to debate a troll is a big a waste of time as the troll’s postings themselves. These people are out to vent and get attention – that’s all. It doesn’t matter how dumb a pronouncement one makes – he could say 2+2=5 – they are completely immune to reason. You cannot debate a troll. You cannot educate a troll by playing on his terms. Trying to refute his points is an exercise in futility. Someone who goes around looking for sites to stir up attention is not someone in a healthy state of mind looking for an intelligent discussion. What trolling is is a verbal tantrum, and you can’t reason with a screaming child who has no reason in the first place. This brings us to our second rule.
DON’T GET ANGRY.
If you actually got angry from something a troll writes, step back. Do not respond. What is there to get angry about? It’s just a few words and the person saying them has no influence over anything. That a person is drawn to troll is funny in itself; what the person says about any particular topic is beside the point. You have to accept the troll will not understand how silly he is, and just be able to laugh at him while he flails around trying to anger you. If you don’t detach yourself and think of the troll like a rational person, you can get frustrated and angry. This gives him what he wants and lets the troll set the terms. Crazy people should not be in charge.
So what can you do? Ignoring is the highest form of dominance, but a whole post about ignoring trolls would be boring. Anyway, here is what I find you can do, but it’s for entertainment purposes only. Maybe, with practice, these skills can be used to actually train trolls away from trollery, but if you just set your goal to confuse and bewilder the troll, you’ll be less likely to get frustrated.
Anyway, remember the two rules: you’re not angry and you’re not taking the troll head on. So what are you doing? You redirect. The Dog Whisperer does this all the time with aggressive dogs. They bark and snap their teeth, and yelling back would only make it worse. Instead, he taps them in the neck with two fingers and yells, “Tsst!” The dog then calms down and looks at the Dog Whisperer with confusion. This is basically what you do with a troll. The troll is hoping you’ll come back as angry as he is head on, but instead come in calmly from the side. There are numerous ways to do this, but here’s an example from one of the first hate mails I posted publicly:
Dopegirl (laguage warning; my language standards have changed over time)
It’s not the prefect example, but I take the troll seriously and then play with what that means in a calm fashion. Now look at the response:
Dopegirl Response (language warning)
Much calmer, and that’s all I think one should hope to achieve with a troll. That’s what made the Limey special; he never got the joke and would come back just as crazy no matter what.
“There’s no Fascist McFascist!”
He still makes me smile.
In My World: An Average Day for the Deputy Chief of Staff
“So, is this story about Karl Rove being indicted true?” Jason Leopold asked. “If not, I could be completely discredited.”
“It is quite true,” said the hooded figure hiding in the shadows. “Publish it immediately.”
“Okay, then!” Leopold typed away at his computer. “By the way, who are you?”
“My name is…” The hooded figure was silent for a moment. “…Rarl Kove.”
“So Jesse MacBeth was a fraud made to discredit us all!” exclaimed an angry anti-war activist. “I was so sure he was for real when I saw he had a beret and everything! I bet the Bush Administration was behind this… probably Karl Rove himself!”
The other anti-war activist nodded in agreement. Suddenly, though, they were pelted with rocks.
“Who is throwing rocks at us? It must be Karl Rove!”
They turned to see a hooded figure disappear into the darkness as a blood-curdling laugh filled the air.
Markos ZË™niga was curled up in a fetal position on the floor and muttering to himself. “Maybe I am too far to the left. Maybe I do hurt the Democrats. Maybe since every candidate I support loses, I should give up. And, maybe, I should take my medication.”
“No, my child,” echoed a voice in the room. “You are the only one who knows the true path… you and the readers of DailyKos. The problem with the Democrats is they are not far enough to the left. They need to be more liberal! More!”
Markos got to his feet and wiped his face on his Ned Lamont t-shirt. “That’s what I keep saying! They all say I’m wrong… but they must be wrong! Screw ’em! Screw ’em all! Tee hee hee hee hee!” Markos then stared at the hooded figure before him who lurked in the darkness. “Who are you?”
“I am your conscience.”
Markos scratched his head. “I have a conscience?”
Patrick Fitzgerald sat down for dinner with his family, but then the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, no one was there. He looked down to see a dead cat and a note saying, “Courtesy the man who ruined Fitzmas.”
“Mittens!” Fitzgerald exclaimed. He then shook his fist at the darkness outside his house. “I’ll get you for killing our cat, Karl Rove! I’ll get you yet!”
An evil laugh answered.
Karl Rove stood before The Pit of Unimaginable Terror and Punditry. Its evil light lit his face. “Dark spirits! Give me the power to manipulate the wills of others! Help me lead my enemies to their own demise! Bring forth the demon…”
“Hey, Rover!” President Bush called out.
“How did you get into my secret lair?” Rove demanded.
“As usual, I fell down a hole today.” Bush looked around. “So what are you up ta? This place looks neat.” Bush stared down the pit. “If I throw a penny down there, will my wish come true?”
“Don’t disturb anything!” Rove commanded. “There are powers here of which you could never hope to understand.”
“I saw a lot of Mexicans working in your underground mines here,” Bush said. “Is that why you keep telling me not to be a hardliner on illegal immigration?”
“It’s all part of the plan.”
“And what’s this plan lead to?”
“As predicted by the ancient Book of Punditry, when the planets and the stars and the polls align, I can summon forth a power unlike this world has ever known! With it, all will bow to me, and, if I so desire, I can even rend apart the universe itself!”
“Destroy the universe…” Bush thought about that. “Might be unpopular with the base, but well, at least we have an agenda; that’s how we keep beating the Democrats.”
“Now leave this place before I eat your soul.”
“Okey-dokey.”
She’s a Huggy Pit Pup!
SarahK and I have been taking Rowdi to pond parties where she gets to run around with forty other dogs and swim in ponds. She has lots of fun, but it’s hard to keep track of her since it seems like half the dogs there are tan colored and are wearing red collars. Thus, we decided to put a nametag on her collar. Here’s what we had made for her:
Today’s Main Problem Facing Society Today
How many boards can you punch through? How about block of ice? When was the last time you roundhouse kicked someone in the head? Have you ever even been in a battle to the death?
You probably don’t even want to answer those question because of the shame it would bring to fess up on how weak your kung fu is, but you are not alone. Kung fu has been in a decline in America since the 60s, and, all that time, crime, drug use, and wussiness have been on the rise. Why, if I graphed America’s strength in kung fu versus societal ills, there would be a line that… uh…
I really have to learn Excel. Anyway, it would be a disturbing graph, and you’d gasp to see it. There probably isn’t one problem in this country that doesn’t have some relation to our weakening kung fu.
Most people just like to ignore the problem, but let me give you this fact: there is a one in forty chance you will be attacked by a ninja today. So what are you going to do? Call the police? Here another fact: a ninja can kill someone weak in kung fu in an average of 30 seconds while police response time is an average of 40 seconds – longer if the police themselves have weak kung fu.
Are you scared yet? Of course you are; you’re weak in kung fu and probably scared of everything. So what to do?
HOW TO KEEP YOUR KUNG FU STRONG
* When you’re mad, punch holes in things. Start simple like drywall, and try to build up to punching through buildings.
* Instead of leaf blower, clear your lawn of leaves using just the wind from your kick.
* Next time you’re in an argument, make sure it escalates to a fight. If you can keep the fighting going until your battling on a rooftop (or, better yet, a mountain top) all the better.
* When you pass someone on the street you don’t know or care about, knock him down with a swift palm strike. Keep a journal handy to record your progress on how far back you send people flying.
* Do breathing exercises.
And don’t forget about the next generation. When you feed your kids, only make one meal and let them fight for it.
Remember: Only you can prevent weak kung fu.
This public service announcement from your friends at IMAO is in compliance with item 5.04.2A of the Keep America’s Kung Fu Strong Act.
Genius in Ink and Paper
So, I know you’ve been waiting for books from IMAO and especially me, Frank J. I saw some of the books other bloggers put out, and not all of it was simply fancily packaged toilet paper. In fact, I liked the central thesis of one book so much, I combined it with my famous thesis. Thus, I present:
I Love America
If you spend too much time watching politics you forget that the politicians are not America… other than that they run America… but only the unimportant parts… other than deploying the military, that is.
Okay, I already confused myself.
Anyway, my point, whether I can come up with an appropriate intro or not, is that, even though it seems like we have no heroes in politics right now, America is still full of heroes and things worth fighting for. We have the liberty earned by our forefathers, our innovation, our spirit, our awesome economy, and our general kick-assery – and that should be more than enough to get anyone out of bed and glad to be alive each morning. As bad as things may get in Washington and on the world stage, there’s always a supermarket nearby with at least eight different types of Oreo cookies to choose from – and this week they’re buy one get one free!
Maybe my point is that you should never forget that America is really really awesome. We have apple pies and right to carry laws. We have boundless opportunity and a Walgreens at every intersection. We have constant technical innovation and no native species of monkeys. And this is the only nation that has me! If you said there was another country even half as great as the United States, I’d punch you in your dumb, lying monkey face.
And you’d deserve it for such slander.
And did I mention that no military is better at killing its enemies than America’s military? We had all those years of “peace” during the Clinton years, and the military went right back to killing bad people without missing a beat. And, with new technology in the works, we’ll kill people in need of killing even more efficiently.
So be happy (unless you’re one of IMAO’s international readers; I don’t know how you should feel then). The United States of America still kicks ass. We must continue to fight for what’s right, but we should have smiles on our faces because we fight from positions of strength. And no matter what terrorists do, no matter how liberals try to weaken us and put this country down, the two-hour season finale of 24 will still air tonight.
Because we’re America.