Everyone has heard from Murtha’s interview on Meet the Press about how our failure in Somalia is a model to follow and that operation in the Middle East can be conducted from Okinawa, but did you hear the other military advice he had?
MORE MILITARY ADVICE FROM REPRESENTATIVE JOHN MURTHA
* “Chimpanzees can be trained to use a rifle just as easily as a man. The smart thing to do is to send armed chimps into urban combat zones.”
* “Decision shouldn’t be made by people in air conditioned rooms sitting on their large behinds, because AC destroys brain cells. I once got my head stuck in an AC unit, and I haven’t been the same since.”
* “President Coolidge’s failure against the Ewoks demonstrated that it is too difficult to take on an entrenched enemy, even if we have a weapon capable of destroying planets.”
* “Zarqawi could have been captured just as easily by conducting operations outside of Iraq… or maybe even underwater if our foreign policy hasn’t ruined our relations with Aquaman.”
* “Combat should be done by our robots. And don’t tell me we don’t have robots, because I just saw one this morning and it stole and ate my pills for fuel.”
* “It’s foolish to think that running from Iraq means we’re abandoning it. Wherever we run to, we’ll eventually have to run from there, too… and then we’ll run from there. Eventually, we’ll run right back to Iraq when it’s less scary than whatever is outside it.”
* “We also need to get our troops out of Wisconsin. I was there recently, and I saw some teenagers that scared me. Something is going to erupt there soon, and we don’t want to be caught in the middle of it.”
Archive of posts filed under the Best of IMAO 2006 category.
The Democrats and Their “Culture of Crazy”
As anyone who pays attention knows, the Democrats are embroiled in a “Culture of Crazy.” With Democrats assaulting police officers, saying we can conduct Middle East affairs out of Okinawa, hiding money in their freezers, and sucking up to the biggest loons on the internet, it is obvious they are waist deep in craziness. Is there any doubt in anyone’s mind that Howard Dean would bite you if you looked at him wrong? Of course not.
Can the Democrats get out of this mire of insanity? I’m doubtful. As we speak, Kos is either plotting against Democrats he thinks are not faithful to his lunacy or eating his own excrement. After that, the Democrat leadership will then try to court him for his approval. Why? Because the Democrats are so far into crazy they don’t know the way out. I hear they are thinking of moving their headquarters to Okinawa to more quickly respond to issues in the U.S.
Remember: Urge everyone to not vote Democrat; it’s the only way to stop their Culture of Crazy. Losing will probably make them crazier, though, so make sure to keep an eye on any Democrats you see and to keep your children away from them. There’s no telling what a Democrat may say or do if left unchecked, but it’s quite certain it will be crazy!
Fun Trivia
What’s the worst part about flying from Orlando to Boise to visit my parents?
More Popular than Hitler
Fun Trivia
The Supreme Court ruled 5-4 that police do not have to knock before entering your home if they have a warrant. What else did they rule police don’t have to do?
Alarm! Armageddon! Factoids!
(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
Recently Greenpeace wanted to say something nasty on the occasion of President Bush’s visit to Pennsylvania promoting his nuclear energy policy.
Unfortunately, they sent out an early draft of the press release instead of the final document, and it contained the following:
“In the twenty years since the Chernobyl tragedy, the world’s worst nuclear accident, there have been nearly [FILL IN ALARMIST AND ARMAGEDDONIST FACTOID HERE]”
Being a so-called “writer” myself, I just hate to see writer’s block cramping someone’s style, even if it IS a bunch of ecoterrorists so lame that they once got beat up by the French.
So here are some ALARMIST AND ARMAGEDDONIST FACTOIDS that Weeniepeace can use for their next press release:
… nearly three million square miles of rainforest decimated by President Bush. And that’s just on his ranch:
… nearly a a 35% increase in carbon monoxide emissions, mostly from Al Gore flying around the country shrieking about the dangers of global… something. It’s hard to make out the words when he shrieks like that.
… nearly 15 million cases of leprosy in Iraq. Either leprosy or some other horrible disease that turns fingers purple. Probably due to depleted uranium dust. Or freedom. Both of which are known killers. You don’t see North Koreans with purple fingers, do ya? I think I’ve proven my point.
… nearly 24 instances where Aquaman failed to save the world. Because he was weakened by toxic water pollution. If President Bush would keep dirty Mexicans out of the Rio Grande, this wouldn’t happen.
… nearly 6 years of Karl Rove not being indicted. That’s just CRAZY! It’s like letting a rabid pitbull run loose around your neighborhood. A very Machiavellian rabid pitbull.
… nearly 3000 hurricanes – each with the force of hundreds of billions of tons of TNT – which have slammed into the coastal United States – killing millions of innocent minorities, women, children, and fuzzy kittens – while putting trillions of dollars into the pockets of Bush’s oil buddies at Halliburton somehow.
… BUUUUUUUUUUSH!!!1!
… nearly a 10,000% increase in the number of prisoners being held at Guantanamo Bay since 2003. If current trends continue, even the prison guards will be imprisoned by 2012.
… nearly 50 people in Florida eaten by alligators because new nuclear power plants are being built, disrupting the delicate ecosystem of the alligator’s natural prey – poodles.
… nearly 1 more dead Zarqawi, which has devastated the market for New Balance sneakers among the terrorist demographic.
… nearly a 300% increase in attacks by Ann Coulter, leaving thousands of innocent liberals dead or miffed.
By the way, if anyone can make out what Al Gore is shrieking, let me know.
In My World: Supporting Democracy
“Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki!”
Nuri jumped from his desk. “What? Who is it?” He saw the smiling face of President Bush. “What are you doing here in Baghdad?”
“I came to support your burgeoning democracy!”
“Oh. Well, I guess you can…”
Bush picked up a knife. “What’s this?”
“That’s my letter opener! Be care…”
Bush swung it around and cut a hole in the wall. “Whoops. I’ll put it down.”
“Good because…”
Bush picked up something else. “What’s this?”
“That’s an expensive vase! Be very…”
The vase fell and shattered on the floor. “Uh-oh; I done broke it.”
Nuri tried to keep his fists from clenching. “That’s okay. Just don’t…”
“What’s this?”
“That’s my ‘World’s Best Prime Minister Mug.’ Hand it over!” Nuri reach to grab it, but Bush accidentally tilted it over, pouring scalding hot coffee onto Nuri’s groin. “Aieee! You idiot! Stop touching things!”
Bush hung is head. “I just came to support your democracy and you yelled at me.”
“I’m sorry. Why don’t you go sit over by the window and quietly support democracy while I get a towel.”
“Okay.” Bush sat down. He looked out the window. “Oh no! I see someone… and I think he’s an Arab. He might even be a Muslim! He could be here to attack us!” He paused for a moment as he watched. “There’s a whole army of them out on the Baghdad streets!”
“Idiot!” Nuri shouted, “Most of the population is…” Nuri paused and thought for a moment. “Hey, they might be suicide bombers. You better go stand out front of the building and check on them.”
“I’ll check on them good!” Bush ran out of the office.
Nuri found a towel in a cabinet. “Idiot. Ah, but I dream of the day our democracy will be so strong that we can elect someone as dumb as him.”
As Bush got out onto the street, he spotted a Marine. “Is that you, Buck?”
“Yes, Mr. President sir. It is I, Buck – Buck the Marine, that is. I have some time off, so I thought I’d spend it in Baghdad where I get shot at less than my usual locations.”
“Well, I’m looking for Muslim terrorists, so you can help me.”
“Yes, sir. I must warn you, though, the commanders have gotten really pissy about us killing civilians, so we have to be careful.”
“I’ll be careful.” Bush watched the crowd of people in front of them. “We need to check out these people to see if they are terrorists. A lot of there people look Arab… but I sometime get them confused with Latinos. If they’re Latino, don’t question them too much because I don’t want to hurt the Latino vote by exposing illegal aliens. But, whatever you do, don’t call it ‘amnesty.'”
Buck furrowed his brow. “Uh… I don’t think there are many Latinos here… outside of U.S. forces, that is.”
“Don’t ask don’t tell.” Bush spotted one man walking by. “Grab him!”
Buck grabbed the Iraqi and put him in a headlock.
“Who are you?” Bush demanded.
“I am but a simple apple vendor.”
“Buck! Check him for bombs to see if he’s a terrorist. If he is, beat him up!”
Buck patted down the Iraqi. “He’s clean.”
“Then check his voter registration card to see if he’s a Democrat. If he is, beat him up!”
Buck let the man go. “I don’t think there are Democrats in Iraq.”
“Really? Then we’re making more progress than I thought.” Bush’s cell phone rang, and he pulled it out of his pocket. “You’re speaking to the most powerful man in the world… Hey, Snowman… Good economic news? Oh no! Make sure the press doesn’t find out about it… Because they always spin it to make it sound bad, stupid. By the way, did you hear how I’m in Baghdad? …Really? It made the papers? I can’t believe I made the newspapers again. Make sure to cut out any article in any paper that mentions me so I can see… I don’t care if it takes all day. Do it!” Bush hung up and looked to Buck. “That was Tony Snow. His job is to make sure the press knows I’m smart and in charge. He was on FOX News.”
“I like FOX News.”
“Me too!”
A man ran up to Bush and Buck. He pulled open his coat revealing a bomb strapped to him. In his right hand he held a detonator. “When I heard you were here, I rushed over to kill you! I will be the greatest martyr ever!”
“Oh no! A human bomb!” Bush shouted. “I don’t know how to defuse those.”
“I do.” Buck pulled out a .45 and shot the terrorist in the head. The terrorist fell dead to the dusty street.
“Yay!” Bush exclaimed. “We defeated terrorism thanks to my leadership!”
Some American press rushed to the scene. “Due to Bush’s low approval rating, people are now trying to blow him up.” The reporter looked to Bush. “I notice your lack body armor. Is this because you aren’t properly funding our civilian-murdering troops?”
“The armor was bulky and I didn’t want to wear it. You can’t tell me what to wear!” Bush punched the reporter, knocking him to ground and started kicking him. “I only wear what I want, so you shut up!” After a minute, he stopped and turned to Buck. “I can only kick a reporter for so long before I get bored. Want to go find Zarqawi’s body and wander the streets with him pretending he’s alive like on Weekend at Bernie’s?”
Buck shrugged his shoulders. “I’m on leave; why not.”
Rove Is Unindicted and Out for Our Blood!
You may think, “How does Karl Rove not being indicted affect me?”
FOOL! IT AFFECTS YOU GREATLY!
IMPORTANT FACTS ABOUT KARL ROVE NOT BEING INDICTED:
* No indictments for Rove means MORE INDICTMENTS LEFT TO USE AGAINST YOU!
* If tinfoil-hat moonbats are right (and when aren’t they), Rove probably avoided indictment by TESTIFYING AGAINST DICK CHENEY. How will Cheney react? THINK SHOTGUN AND FACES! Why do you think Bush suddenly FLED TO THE SAFETY OF BAGHDAD?
* This is all just evidence that this whole thing was but a plot by Rove to distract us. Have you ever seen Patrick Fitzgerald and Karl Rove in the same room together? No, you have not! That’s because PATRICK FITZGERALD IS KARL ROVE IN DISGUISE!
* And what was Rove trying to distract us from? Could it be a plot to steal our blood? In fact, IT COULD BE NOTHING ELSE!
* If Rove got away with this, what’s to stop him from outing all of our wives as secret agents? NOTHING!
* And what about Joe Wilson? Look at the pictures of Zarqawi carefully; doesn’t he look fake? KARL ROVE DRESSED UP JOE WILSON AS ZARQAWI AND HAD THE AIRFORCE BOMB HIM! Just further evidence that Zarqawi never really existed and was INVENTED BY THE WHITEHOUSE TO EVENTUALLY LEAD US INTO AN ILLEGAL WAR WITH LICHTENSTEIN!
* And, with his newfound unindictedness, what’s to keep Rove from walking up and punching you in the crotch with impunity? ONLY HIS TIGHT SCHEDULE WHICH LEAVES LITTLE TIME FOR RANDOM CROTCH PUNCHING!
* Did you just think you saw movement out of the corner of your eye? IT WAS ROVE! Now that he is unindicted, NO POWER IN THE ‘VERSE CAN STOP HIM!
* I’m now so scared, I PEED MY PANTS! That’s lucky, because ROVE HAS NO USE FOR URINE SOAKED PANTS! Rove will steal your pants UNLESS YOU PEE THEM NOW!
* Finally, and most importantly… AIEEE! IT’S ROVE! AND HE HAS PIANO WIRE! I must ausj;d mcvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
Fun Trivia
Zarqawi’s Last Words
Zarqawi lived for 52 minutes after U.S. troops got to him. There are lots of rumors about what his last words are, so here are the…
TOP TEN POSSIBLE LAST WORDS OF ABU MUSAB AL-ZARQAWI
10. “So how big was that bomb you dropped on me? I was thinking at least 500 pounds; am I right?”
9. “If you don’t do what I think you’re going to do with that bacon, I’ll give you each three of my virgins.”
8. “Aiee! You’re standing on my groin!”
7. “To be honest, I never actually finished reading the Koran. How did it end?”
6. “I’ll never tell you where the last canister of centox gas is, Jack Bauer!”
5. “Dude! Where’ my leg?”
4. “My biggest regret is that I won’t get to see Brad Pitt’s and Angelina Jolie’s child grow up.”
3. “I should have listened to my horoscope’s warning that ‘Big things are coming today.'”
2. “Tell my goat I love her.”
And the number one possible last words of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi…
Zarqawi’s Death Is Merely a Distraction from the Fact that We Have Yet to Capture and Kill Kofi Annan
An Editorial by Frank J.
There is much celebration just because we dropped a bomb on the insignificant terrorist Zarqawi. Are we really safer, though? Can we now walk the streets at night without a care? Can we ride a bobcat with a saddle on it without fear of being mauled? No. Zarqawi’s death changes nothing, because the real evil mastermind is still out there plotting against America and issuing statements against us and Israel with impunity as our government does nothing to stop him. Well, I won’t cheer because one goofball terrorist is pig-feed; I will only feel safer when Kofi Annan is finally dead.
“After the panic comes the resolve – the resolve to hunt and kill Kofi Annan.”
Kofi Annan is, as I type, actively working to overthrow America. He heads a large international organization – known only by its initials “U.N.” – of likeminded thugs. They debate how to destroy us and our ally Israel, releasing videotapes of their vicious statement against us with impunity. Why can’t we find them and stop them? Is there even a search for their headquarters? No. I suspect politics has something to do with it. Al Qaeda is the hot topic now, and I suspect many fear the “U.N.” and its mastermind Kofi Annan. Maybe, some even sympathize with this criminal organization. I’ve heard rumors from respected sources that, during this War on Terror, Kofi Annan has even been able to infiltrate American soil, giving speeches and making recruits right under our noses!
Did you know these enemies of America and democracy even have their own military, and it only will grow until we finally make some effort against them? Also, they have cells in hundreds of countries – including, if rumors are true – a huge base of operations in the U.S. Are you scared? I know I am. This is far more than a few suicide bombings we have to worry about; these people could seriously undermine America’s power abroad. Maybe that’s why we don’t have a public campaign against them; the government fears it could panic the average American if it publicized these facts. Well, Mr. President, I think it’s time we do panic. The panic is unavoidable, but after the panic comes the resolve – the resolve to hunt and kill Kofi Annan.
Will the death of Kofi Annan mean the destruction of the “U.N.”? No, but it will demoralize his followers if he is killed and we show proof of his death. I bet many people would leave the organization out of fear when they know America is fully committed to destroy it. Then we can start to destroy “U.N.” cells in other countries. And, if rumors are true of an American headquarters, we should be able to find and destroy that, helping American sleep in peace at night.
There is no time to waste, though. The “U.N.” and the vile Kofi Annan want to undermine us and our allies. They think they can destroy us and will move towards that goal. We must destroy them first, paving the way for peace so we can ride the bobcat of security into the horizon of our future.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as “A Frank Guide to Foreigners and Their Evil” and “Ride the Cat”.
Zarqawi Brand Pig Feed!
Zarqawi Dead
Yay! We done blowed him up good!
PJM has the blogger reaction roundup (mine was “Yay! We done blowed him up good!” if they didn’t get it yet).
U.N. Useful?
Deputy Secretary-General Mark Malloch Brown of the U.N. said that FOX News and Rush Limbaugh are keeping us ignorant of the good the U.N. does. This makes me very angry at FOX News and Rush Limbaugh because I can’t even imagine the U.N. ever doing anything useful and am quite curious at what the U.N. could have possibly done. Did, in the midst of their bumbling, the U.N. inadvertently rescue a cat from a tree or something?
In My World: Getting the Word Out
“So some Muslims wanted to behead me, and I was like, ‘What’s this all aboot, eh?'”
“Did they succeed?”
“No, I still have my head, eh. Anyway, the reason I called…”
President Bush saw some movement outside the window. “Hey, I got some business to attend to. Later, Mr. Canadian.” Bush then hung up on the Prime Minister and shouted out his window. “Get off my lawn!”
“What’s the matter, dear?” Laura Bush asked.
“Politics just hasn’t been working out for me lately,” Bush whined, “and now illegal immigrants are getting gay married on the White House lawn.”
“Well, I think you brought this on yourself. At least your poll numbers are doing better; now a third of the country likes you.”
“Wow! That’s a lot of people!” Bush exclaimed. He then paused for a moment. “Does my mom like me again yet?”
“No, I’m afraid not.”
“I’ll win her back one of these days,” Bush vowed. “Anyway, I got bigger worries with that Haditha incident. Right now, I have Marines going through sensitivity training to make sure we don’t have more incidents.”
“So, it’s important not to shoot children,” the Marine officer said, “unless they got it coming. Any questions?”
“Can we still shoot midgets?” Buck the Marine asked.
“Sure. The important thing is we don’t want any wanton slaughter of civilians, because them Democrats love that and will use that to pull us out. Then, you won’t get to kill anyone, and you don’t want that, do you?”
“No, sir!” the Marines shouted.
“Can’t we just shoot the Democrats?” Gomez asked.
“No, they ain’t foreign, stupid,” Buck told him.
“Hey, I was just trying to think outside the box.”
“Rummy is holding a press conference to assure reporters that incidents like Haditha will be fully investigated,” Bush told Laura. He turned on the TV.
“A whole press room of reporters was found strangled,” the anchorman said. “A note was found at the scene reading, ‘I, Donald Rumsfeld, strangled all these people because their questions were impudent.’ D.C. police are once again baffled and slightly tipsy. We sent a reporter to get a statement from Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld who was supposed to give that press conference, but that reporter was found strangled as well. Whether that murder is related to the others is unknown.”
Bush turned off the TV. “Not that mysterious ‘Rumsfeld Strangler’ again; the police are never going catch him. Well, less reporters means less bad news.” He saw Rumsfeld walk by his office. “You okay, Rummy?”
“My hands are sore.”
“Arthritis?” Laura asked.
“I don’t have to answer your questions,” Rumsfeld grumbled as he stormed off.
“That’s our Rummy!” Bush chuckled.
“Hey, I meant to ask,” Laura said, “Why is Harry Reid pinned under your desk?”
Bush looked at the twitching legs sticking out from beneath his overturned desk. “I don’t remember. I think there is a reason.”
“Well, I’m going to go back to dusting. Tell me if you figure it out.” Laura left the office.
Bush kicked one of Harry Reid’s legs. “Oh! Now I remember. I pinned Harry Reid under my desk to remind myself on getting more of the good economic news out there.”
Bush ran out into the hallway and found Tony Snow. “Snowman, we need to get more emphasis on the good economy to fight all the bad publicity. Thus, we’re going to rob a liquor store.”
“I don’t really follow that logic.”
“I’m the President!” Bush shouted. “That’s all you need to know!” Bush spotted Cheney. “Hey, Dick, we’re robbing a liquor store. You in?”
“Big time!”
“Just watch that itchy trigger finger of yours; I don’t want you shooting someone in the face with a shotgun again.”
“Then I’m out.” Cheney walked off.
“Can’t we just mention economic news in my press conference?” Tony asked.
Bush put on a ski mask and pulled out a handgun. “No one watches those. We just use them to distract the press from other things. But, if we rob a liquor store and people hear about how much money is stolen, they’ll know the economy must be good!”
Laura came walking by with her feather-duster and noticed Bush in his ski mask. “What are you doing?”
“I’m… about to go skiing.”
“Then why have the gun?”
“Uh… biathlon training.”
“But you said the Winter Olympics are gay.”
“Uh… maybe I’m gay.” Bush nudged Tony and whispered, “Back me up on this.”
“I’m going to go hold that press conference.” Tony quickly headed away.
“You better not be up to something,” Laura warned Bush.
Bush placed his gun over his heart. “I swear on my father’s grave I’m not.”
“You got a newspaper in here?”
“Yeah. So?” said Bush’s cellmate.
Bush reached over to grab a section. “Can I see if there is any information about my poll numbers?”
“You touch my paper, I’ll cut you.”
Bush folded his arms. “Fine. Don’t share.”