Aquaman May Be Sexy, But He’s Still a Lousy Superhero

[High Praise! to Anonymiss of Nuking Politics]

Someone on the internet noticed that, in superhero group shot, Wonder Woman was the only one doing a sexy pose:

And they wondered what the guys would look like in the same pose.

The results are a little… unsettling.

But I have to say, Aquaman looks perfectly natural that way:

Talking to fish: it’s not manly.

Send to Kindle

Superheroes and Patriotism

I'm a loyal American!Hello, Aquafans!

As you may have heard, Superman is renouncing his U.S. citizenship.

Frankly, good riddance.

You know, the main DC superheroes have never been good representatives of America. Superman has just always thought he’s better than everyone because he has pretty much every superpower (except he can’t talk to fish). And his alterego works for the New York Times or something, so he is just completely out of touch with the common man. Actually, the way he explained his decision to renounce his citizenship to me was, “Nobel prize winning economist Paul Krugman thought it was a good idea.” I swear the guy snorts white kyrptonite.

With Batman, you never see him waving the flag. That would just go against his dark persona he wants to keep up. What a disturbed little man; if he did get patriotic, he’d probably end up joining a militia or something.

Wonder Woman’s costume does make her look like she’s a patriotic stripper, but she’s actually part of some overseas feminist cult. She’s always ranting on and on about the pay gap between men and women. Hey! The Justice League doesn’t pay me at all!

Green Lantern is part of some intergalactic police force whose authority comes from… where? Weird little blue guys? I do not trust him. Any day now he could pull over the whole earth for speeding.

And the Flash… well, frankly, shouldn’t someone whose power is to run away really fast be more representative of France than the U.S.?

But, me, I was born in Maine and am a proud American. I even got my start fighting the Nazis. And though you might not always see it, I’m often wearing a flag pin. So you can always count on Aquaman to stand up proudly for the U.S. of A.!

Plus, Atlantis kicked me out.

Send to Kindle

Pants Off the Ground

Villains fear my green pants of justice!Hello, Aquafans!

As you may have heard, Wonder Woman is going to start wearing pants.


Do you know what was the first thing I said to Wonder Woman upon meeting her? “Where’s your pants?” I thought perhaps the first case for the Justice League was going up against some villainous pants-stealers. I’m sorry, but fighting evil requires pants. That’s just a basic fact. And as a superhero, if you ever get seen without pants, expect to end up in a tabloid. Really, I wonder who gave Wonder Woman the idea that she could get any respect running around in a bathing suit. She should have changed her name to “Not Much Left to Wonder About Woman.” I guess growing up surrounded by Amazons gave her daddy issues.

And while we’re finally changing things that were a long time coming, Clark Kent’s disguise of just taking off his glasses — come on. Who is that possibly fooling? And why is he still working at a newspaper? Superman might as well have his day job be that he’s a blacksmith. Plus, if you have God-like powers, why would anyone be a journalist? Do stuff; don’t write about other people doing stuff.

And Batman, how about a mask that covers your entire face if you think hiding your identity is so important. “Hmm, I wonder if Batman, who has all these expensive gadgets, could be the eccentric billionaire who lives nearby and HAS THE EXACT SAME CHIN.” I don’t bother to hide my identity because I don’t have anything to hide (oh, if Black Manta is reading this, please don’t murder my family), but if I did, I wouldn’t half-ass it. Oh, and Batman, what’s with the patrolling the streets of Gotham and hanging out with the Justice League? One day you’re beating up muggers and the next you’re fighting aliens. PICK A VILLAINY GENRE! You don’t see me fighting the Ocean Master one day and the next day handing out parking tickets.

I swear, every other superhero than me is stupid. And they also can’t talk to fish.

Send to Kindle

What the Hell?

Keep your oil out of my water!Hello, Aquafans!

So what’s going on here? I saw there was an accident in the Gulf of Mexico (an explosion above the water, so technically not in my jurisdiction) and there is an oil leak. So I’m like, “Well, I’m sure the professionals at BP and the Obama administration will get this handled right away.”

And more than forty days later… what the hell?

Just the other day, I heard distress above me, so I surfaced in the Gulf… and of course was all covered in oil. And then Black Manta set me on fire. Is this just the way it’s going to be now?

I’m trying to figure out who to complain to, and the Obama administration says they’re in charge of everything, but it’s BP trying all the solutions except their solutions are things like have robots drop a box on it or pour mud on it — the sort of things a three-year-old would come up with when faced with a similar situation.

And I hate to bring it up, but what are you doing drilling out in deep water anyway? What’s wrong with drilling on land? Yeah, I know: You all live on land so you don’t want to drill there. “Let’s drill in the ocean,” you all say. “No one we care about lives there.”

You know there are like five hundred land-based superheroes, but only me for the oceans — for two thirds of the planet. Well, there’s also the Namor the Submariner, but he’s not usually very helpful. And kind of mean.

Anyway, my point is I deserve more respect than that. My domain is not your oil dumping ground. And if you have some big oil leak into it, I at least expect you to try and stop it… or at least make a realistic effort at it. This is what depresses me and makes me feel like I get no respect, but I don’t see any of you even stepping up to pay for my therapist.

Next time you’re hassled by pirates, don’t call me. I’m through. Enjoy your oil.

Send to Kindle