Well, the execs at DC have pretty much killed Aquaman.
If you’ve been reading the Aquaman comic (and judging by the sales numbers, you haven’t), you’d know my character, Orin, was actually killed off in issue #50 and replaced by some teenage wannabe. Also, the new artists looks like he’d be more at home drawing episodes of the Smurfs (and what’s with making Aquafake’s eyes all black; is he part gerbil?). Thus, in an act of mercy killing, it looks like issue #57 will be the last of this Aquaman series.
That means it’s time to plan a comeback!
Obviously, they need to get rid of the phony new Aquaman and return me to center stage. It’s never a big deal to return a comic book character back to life, and I’m sure DC has a drawer full of scenarios to use. Next, we need some big event to make me popular again.
I think I should beat up Superman.
I’m not sure why I would fight Superman — that’s for the writers to figure out — I just know it would be a great story (also, it worked really well for Batman in The Dark Knight Returns back in the ’80s). Now, the challenge is for the beat Superman without kryptonite (any idiot can clunk him over the head with a chunk of green rock; I should be able to beat him with my powers alone).
Here’s my plan:
So, Superman has been ordered to bring me down (why, again, is up to the writers to figure out), and, me obviously being too big a threat for the rest of a Justice League, Superman starts to chase me down. Only thing is, even he’s not faster than me in the water (at least, he shouldn’t be). So I keep swimming away while commanding fish and whales to keep getting in Superman’s way. After a long chase, though, he corners me. So there Superman is in all his arrogant glory saying, “Don’t make me hurt you, Arthur.”
And then I smile. Because now I have him.
WHAM!
I send him flying back with a huge punch. I knock his arrogance right out of him and replace it with fear. Because, all this time he’s been chasing me, I’ve been leading him deeper and deeper and it was getting darker and darker until, from lack of exposure to the yellow sun, his strength starts to wane.
But I’m right in my element.
BAM! BIFF! POW!
I beat the crap out of him. And because I’m a nice guy, I bring the unconscious Superman back to the surface with a note pinned to his cape: “Don’t EVER come after me in MY ocean!”
…Wait, how am going to write a note underwater? Well, there are a few kinks to work out, but I think it’s an awesome plan. Write DC Comics and tell them you want Aquaman — the real Aquaman — to fight Superman and that you’ll buy ten copies each of it.
I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not much of a comic book reader, but the last time I checked, Superman still had his superpowers at night. I don’t see how going really deep underwater away from the sun is much different from that.
I think you’re just begging for a pwning, Aquaman. :oD
Shame on you AquaMan! SuperMan is awesome and you have this dasterdly plan to “take him deep” and “work out a few Kinks”… We know your ways and that you intend to have your way with SuperMan and once you have buggered him to your satisfaction you will then claim that you “beat him up”! You are a bad little fish AquaGay
Harry Potter could lay waste to all of them. At the same time.
How are you going to write a note underwater? Simple, Aquaman. You use Rite in the Rain waterproof paper, and you write on it with an Inka Pen.
Are you sure you’re the real Aquaman? It’s hard to believe this is the first time in your entire life that you’ve ever needed to write something underwater. How do people in Atlantis normally write things?
Honestly you pansy you know very well that even Our Benevolent Overlord Kal El’s concubine can beat you up. Remember that indian burn you got from the lifeguard at the Y swimming pool last week? That’s right pu$$y. You wanna throw down, I’ll beat you with a duck shaped floaty you wimp.
Can they bring in John Byrne to save Aquaman?
Perhaps Aquaman could be revived as one of those faggy environmental superheroes, spending his days ruining the days of boaters who throw garbage overboard with his endless lectures about pollution.
Bad thing is, I could see DC actually doing that–oh wow, Aquaman’s wearing a Nuke the Moon shirt! I never noticed.
Worth mentioning? The current (new?) Aquaman is actually not all that new at all. As a concept, he’s actually the ORIGINAL Aquaman from the 1940s, just rebooted to the modern era. (Just like Byrne did with the Doom Patrol, actually…) So, unlike, say, Kyle Rayner and his ilk, the current Aquaman isn’t just some cheap replacement. 🙂
Aquaman, beating up a three-year-old in Superman Underoos doesn’t count as beating up Superman, so you may need to rethink your plan.
Not to mention the fact that the three-year-old would totally kick your fishy ass.
And Aquaman better watch out for the
Murlocs.
Listen, you just need to accept that you are a whiney little fish-fag and deal with it Aquadork. I mean I’m sure the fishy smell helps you hide the fact, but just come out of the closet and maybe we’ll stop ridiculing you… but probably not.