Listen to this nut ask Fred Thompson about the “North American Union” and complete freak out and shout 9/11 conspiracies when she’s finally dragged out at the end (you’ve never heard anyone shriller):
What do you think is the chance this freak is a Ron Paul supporter? How about 100%.
UPDATE
Here’s a firsthand account of the incident.
Archive of entries posted on 25th July 2007
Ronin Profiles: Shimauma and Moonbunny
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Let’s meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it’s Shimauma and her daughter Moonbunny.
What’s the story behind your name? Well, my comic company that I’d started with my friends as a fifth grader was nameless. I, being the only one to notice this, came up with Moonbunny comics co. like ‘Marvel’ and ‘DC comics’ and it’s based on the ancient belief that there’s a bunny in the moon. I didn’t use it as an online name until my mother started doing so on IMAO. Shimauma adds: It’s also to do with Watership Down stories of Elhahara. That’s how we got the name for Moonbunny’s little sis, Hlaoroo.
Where do you live? I wanted to say Mordor, Middle Earth, but my mom says we live in a crappy blue state as ussjimmycarter can vouch for.
How old are you? Mom says I’m not allowed to tell…she’s really old though…and hits really hard.
Tell us briefly about yourself. I’m an observer/witness in the subtle (not) dramas of some highschool buddies, teetering on the edge of insanity, gaming, drawing, hitting things with sticks and writing …………..BALLOON!!!! Shimauma adds: She’s got a little sister and a cool dad that passed on all his gaming knowledge with the same reverence of a Mafia boss handing over the family dynasty.
Is your kung fu strong? My mom says no, she uses deodorant, but so far I’ve mastered the Katana, Wakizashi, Streetfighting, Archery, and I know how to shoot a gun and hit the target thingy.
How long have you been reading IMAO? ?__? Can’t ‘member, but Mom says she found it about 3-4 years ago when she was looking up mean things to say about Michael Moore.
What’s your favorite IMAO post? In My World because of Chomps eating hippies, and Rummy strangling hippies and Dubya’s being funny and beating up of that Reid guy. Mom likes Frank Art because it reminds her of stickfigure theater on something called liquid television.
What’s you favorite political issue? Lemon……
shimauma butting in: per the answer of a smart alecky teen, Socialized(government run) Education is a sore spot with me; give me a voucher for a charter school of my choice any day
Do you have a website? If so, briefly tell us about it. Shimauma answers: Our webpage is www.moonbunnyscomics.blogspot.com and was initially meant to just feature Moonbunny’s Zombie Squirrel comics, but I’ve been known to highjack it to post my right wing views or just to put up something silly, though I’m certain the comics have silly covered pretty good. Back to Moonbunny.
If you had Superman’s heat vision, how often would you use it? A lot. Heatafied vision is fun.
If you commented that you want to be included before, you’re still in the running. You can also comment in this post; just make sure you fill in your e-mail on the comment form (only I can see it so you don’t have to worry about getting spam). Eventually we’ll get to everyone. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far!
Soccer Celebrations Provoke Insurgent Attacks in Iraq
BAGHDAD (AP) – Two suicide car bombings struck soccer fans in Baghdad as they were celebrating Iraq’s victory in the Asian Cup semifinal on Wednesday, killing at least 50 people and wounding more than 100, officials said. Insurgents say they will keep up the attacks until soccer fans agree to withdraw from Iraq.
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Insurgent leader Abu Hamza al-Muhajir explained, “soccer is strictly forbidden by the Koran, which clearly says ‘kick not the ball of roundness, for it is an affront to Allah, and boring as hell to boot.'”
“Even if it were not strictly forbidden,” al-Muhajir continued, “the game is very un-Muslim, as it involves neither beheadings nor mutilation. Hockey would be a much more fitting sport, if the Koran didn’t also forbid ice.”
Also cited as an issue is the composition of Iraq’s soccer team, which contains Kurds, Sunnis, and Shias, all working together in harmony. “Where is the hating? Where is the killing?” asked al-Muhajir incredulously. “Iraqi children watch this game! They are being infected by its subversive message of tolerance. This ‘sport’ is unclean, like pigs and Jews, and those who follow its games must be eliminated for the glory of Allah.”
Congressional Democrats held a similar view. “The fans of Iraqi soccer should withdraw immediately,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “Iraq’s team will eventually lose, causing their disappointed followers to wail ‘just wait until next year’ like a bunch of pathetic Cubs fans. I’d hate to see anyone condemned to such a horrible fate.”
President Bush, however, remained steadfast in his support for Iraqi soccer fans. “Even though I think that the most exciting part of soccer is watching the grass grow under the players’ feet, the American people applaud the courageous Iraqis who can manage to stay awake and even feign interest in what is, after all, a little girl’s game.”
An Idea…
Apparently, Fred Thompson isn’t going to officially announce until maybe September 4th. How about he do a secret announcement now just for bloggers since, more for us than anyone else, it seems like we’ve been waiting forever. We promise not to tell the MSM about it; they don’t listen to us anyway.
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
A Thought…
With the problem of these fictional soldier and their fictional atrocities, shouldn’t we put together some fictional tribunal to get to the bottom of this? BTW, if I write it, fair waring that the trial will get broken up by terminators from the future. Whenever a story drags, I suddenly have terminators from the future attack. They’re a great device because every single story can have a future from which terminators can attack. Whoever wrote Pride and Prejudice could have used that advice.
In My World: Freaks on YouTube, Freaks on Stage
“I’m Anderson Cooper…” he pirouetted. “…360, and this is the Democratic presidential debate on CNN! Let’s start with opening statements. First up, Hillary Clinton.”
“I will be president! It is inevitable!” she pounded her podium, cracking it. “Your only choice is whether you stand behind me or whether you get in my way and feel my horrible wrath!”
“We agreed in the ground rules that there would be no time outs to touch Edwards’s hair!”
“Barack Obama, your turn.”
“I’m Barack Obama.”
Cooper was quiet a moment waiting for Obama to continue. “Is that your entire opening statement?”
“That’s all I got… well, that and my winning smile.” Obama smiled and the audience erupted in applause.
“John Edwards, your statement.”
“I want to unite the two Americas and end poverty and…” He started giggling. “I just can’t stand how fabulous my hair is today. I hope their broadcasting this in HD, because you really just need to admire my hair.” He ran his hand through it. “I could just feel it all day; I really could.”
“Now on to the second and third tier candidates,” Cooper said. “Since no one really cares what you all have to say, please be quick. Bill Richardson.”
“I’m a governor, and you should all know that governor’s are who usually become president, not Senators.”
“Dennis Kucinich.”
“We have to stop the mind controlling space lasers… with peace!”
“Mike Gravel.”
“Rocks go in the river! Throw the rocks in the river!”
“Chris Dodd.”
“I don’t even know anything about me.”
“And I should note that Joe Biden has decided not to give an opening statement to reduce the chance of him using a racial slur or some similar gaffe. Very wise of him.” Cooper turned towards a large TV screen. “We in the media have been criticized for asking stupid, insipid questions, so to prove that things can be worse we asked the public to submit questions on YouTube. As expected, intelligent, thoughtful people didn’t seem especially motivated to videotape themselves asking a question, but we went through what we had and found the most coherent and those least likely to make you give up hope in all humanity. Here’s the first one.”
On screen was a man staring into the camera with great confusion. “Is this recording? How do I know if this is recording? Maybe I need to hit this button again…” He reached forward and the screen went black.
“That actually was one of the best one’s submitted,” Cooper said. “Since it wasn’t addressed to anyone in particular, who wants it?”
“I’ll take it,” Richardson says. “I believe the camera was recording.”
Everyone else nodded in agreement.
“Good,” Cooper said. “This next question is for Hillary.”
On screen was some goth chick. “My question is for Hillary Clinton. As the the first openly evil presidential candidate, what are your plans for America?”
“If you knew the full extent of my plans, you would die from fear. Sill, I will say I plan to spread misery and pain to all Americans, but less misery and pain to those who do my bidding.”
“Any rebuttals?” Cooper asked.
“NONE SHALL DARE REBUT ME!” Hillary screeched.
“Okay. Next question.”
On screen was a woman. “This question is for Barack Obama. With Iraq possibly in a civil war and turmoil throughout the Middle East, how do you plan to stabilize that region and end America’s presence in Iraq without genocide erupting afterwards?”
Obama thought for a few moments, and finally replied, “I’m Barack Obama!” He smiled, and the audience erupted in applause. “I think I’m winning the debate!”
“Probably, next question is for Edwards.”
On screen was a man who looked like a hobo. “This is for John Edwards. What made you so interested in the cause of poverty?”
“One day I saw some people outside the front gate of my mansion. They looked like ants from so far away, but I used some binoculars and saw they were poor people. Then the most horrible thing happened: My security came out and started beating them. The government has to stop that!”
“Um… just to clarify,” Cooper said, “you’re asking for the government to stop your security guards from beating poor people?”
“Well, I can’t stop them myself; those people are large and scary. What if they got angry and damaged my fabulous hair?!” Edwards ran his hand through. “Isn’t it just luscious? Don’t you want to touch it?”
Cooper was quiet for a moment, but then he reached out his hand. “Yes… I do want to touch it…”
“Hey!” Hillary yelled. “We agreed in the ground rules that there would be no time outs to touch Edwards’s hair!”
“Fine, here’s the next question.”
On screen appeared a young woman. “This question is for Dennis Kucinich. I saw you standing in front of my neighbor’s house all week wearing a blue coat and a pointy red hat. Why was that?”
“Thanks, I get that question a lot. That’s actually a lawn gnome. A lawn gnome makes a house seem whimsical and welcoming and thus it actually accomplishes more than I do in Congress. Still, when I’m president, I want people to say, ‘Though Dennis Kucinich looks like a lawn gnome, he has actually accomplished much more than said lawn ornament.”
Hillary laughed. “Not likely. Why do I have to share the stage with this freak? When the power of America is mine, I vow never have to be as near someone as freakish as Dennis Kucinich again… except maybe for foreign diplomacy.”
Dodd raised his hand. “Do I get a question?”
“No,” Cooper replied. “I’m afraid there isn’t anyone with enough spare times on his hands — even on the internet — to videotape a question for you.”
Dodd hung his head. “Aww. Dodd sad.”
“We now — surprisingly — have a question for Joe Biden.”
A man holding a rifle appeared on screen. “I was wondering what Joe Biden thinks of gun rights and whether he’ll try and take my firearms.”
“Of course I’ll take your gun!” Biden screamed. “You’re a crazy sick man to have one! I will take your gun, lock you up, and then beat your children! Anyone who owns a gun is insane!” Biden turned towards a man off stage. “You, with the gun! You’re sick!”
The man looked confused. “I’m part of security here.”
Biden started walking towards him. “You’re insane! I’m going to take your gun! And then I’m going to stangle you! And then I’ll strangle your wife! And then I’ll–”
Biden was cut off by a gun shot.
“Well, Biden just got himself shot because of his frank language we all know and love,” Cooper said, “but since he’s only a second tier candidate, I think we can go on without him.”
“Can someone get him off stage and throw him in a dumpster?” Hillary demanded.
“He’s still alive,” Cooper answered.
“Do I look like I care? Get it done!”
Some people dragged away Biden. “This next question is for John Edwards.”
A woman with heavy makeup appeared on screen. “Senator Edwards, how do you get your hair so bouncy?”
Edwards smiled. “I’m glad you asked that question. First you need to–”
“ARE YOU TRYING TO TAKE A PICTURE OF MY PENIS?!!” Anderson screamed at Edwards.
Edwards looked completely dumbfounded. “No, I’m just–”
“You’re watching me, hoping my pants fall so you can take my picture of my penis!”
Edwards was stunned silent, but eventually he hung his head shamefully. “Yes, I was trying to take a picture of your penis. I’m sorry.” He put away his camera phone.
Anderson kept glaring at Edwards suspiciously. “The next question is for Hillary.”
A man came on screen. “Hillary Clinton, will you keep nuclear weapons on the table in your dealings with Iran?”
“I hope we can create a dialog with them and such threats won’t be necessary, but if they ever get in the way of my political ambitions, I will nuke them and any country next to them! And I will eat their children’s bones!”
“Any responses to that?” Cooper asked.
“I’m Barack Obama!” Obama smiled, and the audience erupted in applause. “I think I won the debate!”
“I wouldn’t be surprised,” Cooper said. “Since that’s all the Democrat idiocy FCC regulations allows for one day, that concludes our debate. Thank you for watching CNN. CNN: Even more scared of FOX News than the Democrats.”
Humor & Politics: What Not to Do
I’m an advocate for politicians using more humor to better relate with the public, but Best of the Web alerted me to a good example of how a complete lack of a sense of humor can make a politician look like a total moron. The Boston Globe did a fluff piece asking famous Bostonians who their favorite Simpsons character is, and here is John Kerry’s answer:
“I could say my favorite character is Mr. Burns, because thanks to him even after Dick Cheney is out of office he will live on as a cartoon. But I’m actually a Bart fan, despite the fact Time named him one of the 100 most influential people, and I didn’t make the list. He once mooned a doctor, indicating he has the same view toward our current health-care system most Americans do.”
Wow. If the goal was to make Kerry seem like he has no sense of humor and no chance of relating to the common man, then mission accomplished. Give that man a hat (and he should hold on to it).
Really, all he had to do here was have one of his staff pick a character and grab a quote off the internet and it would have gotten a smile and made him appear semi-human (e.g., “My favorite character is Homer Simpson. ‘Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals … except the weasel.’ Ha ha. What a merry soul.'”). Instead, he maladroitly tried to force politics into this while making the lamest attempt at humor using Simpsons references no one has ever heard of and only accomplished making himself seem like he has never legitimately laughed at anything in his entire life. This is like Data making an attempt at humor (before the emotions upgrade). The sad thing is you know he’s never actually watched an episode of the show, so his staff helped him on this:
STAFF MEMBER 1: “According to LexisNexis, Bart Simpson was once listed in Time’s 100 most influential people; do you think we can use that?”
STAFF MEMBER 2: “And the current big issue is health care. Let’s work that in there.”
STAFF MEMBER 3: “And the base really doesn’t like Cheney. Can we put him in there too?”
STAFF MEMBER 4: “These are some good ideas. Let’s schedule a three hour meeting and see what statement we can come up with to issue to the Boston Globe. Senator Kerry, do you have any input on the Simpson matter?”
KERRY: “Simpson, eh… wasn’t he that colored man who stabbed his wife?”
Maybe I’m taking this too seriously as someone who appreciates humor, but whoever in Kerry’s staff is behind that statement should be fired. Or shot. It’s just that gob-smackingly horrible.