WASHINGTON (AP) – In response to the video from Al-Qaeda’s #2 – Ayman al-Zawahri – calling on Muslims to unite in Jihad, President Bush today released a video of himself pretending to be frightened by the threat.
Bush begins the video by standing in front of the desk in the Oval Office, saying, “Oh no! I’ve angered the crazy Muslims and now they’re going to jihad me!” in a voice almost Shatneresque in its degree of melodramatic overacting.
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“OO!” continues the President, making cartoonish nail-biting gestures, “I’m SO scared! Whatever shall I do?”
Bush then dashes around the room, flapping his arms like a little girl or John Edwards, while trying and ultimately rejecting various hiding places, such as under the desk and behind the curtains. In one scene, he retrieves a hand towel from the Executive Washroom, places it over his head and declares “Please don’t hurt me! I’ll be a good girl and wear my burka!” in a high-pitched voice.
“Look at me! I’m a Muslim now! I’ve got a hostage!” the President continues, chasing his dog Barney around the room with a letter opener while making exaggerated stabbing motions and shouting “Allah Snakbar!” “Hollah Hacksaw!”, “Cheese-a Crakar!”, and “Walla Walla Washington!”
Bush then flops into his office chair, giggling hysterically.
“Please don’t threaten me anymore! The terror is just too terrifying!” he says between snorts of laughter. The President then does a Macaulay Culkin “Home Alone” imitation, screaming “AAAAAAAAH!” while holding his hands to his face before falling to the floor, guffawing helplessly, as the camera fades to black.
The video ends with Bush saying over the black screen “Oh man, I think I wet myself… better have Mitt Romney come in and hose me off,” which trails off into more laughter as the clip finishes.
