Disclaimer: These jokes are borderline awful. You might be saying, “Ducky, don’t misjudge yourself. Your jokes are never borderline awful: they jumped the border and are working in Montana.” Well, that’s true but I miss writing these monologues. So this disclosure is more apology. The humor muscle is like any other muscle, it gets rusty when not used. So keep tuning in to these. They’ll get better as I shake the cobwebs off the old Humor Noggin and get it into gear.
Welcome to IMAO, the best internet sitefor right wing humor that anyone has ever heard of*.
Let’s talk about the news.
There’s a new video out on YouTube where someone proclaims their attraction to Hillary Clinton! Attraction to Hillary Clinton?
Who the heck is responsible for this hideous crime?
Okay. Take a deep breath.
Step one to figuring out who’s attracted to Hillary. I think we can safely rule out the husband.
The funny part is that it’s sung by “Idol” participant Taryn Southern. American Idol is a lot like politics. You may not like the final choices but, damn, you have to vote for someone!
Is this video a trend? This is the second such video to support Democrat candidates.
Earlier Obama had a video where a hottie danced and pined for him as well.
Not to be outdone, John Edwards has a video coming out set to the hit tune: Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic. (It cost $14 million to produce and is designed to raise awareness of poverty.)
**
Speaking of people who find Hillary attractive…
The Democrats will be doing something unique: They’ll be debating each other in front of the LGBT (Lesbians, Gays, Bisexual, Transgenders.)
We haven’t seen debates this gay since CNN.
This is actually a good opportunity for John Edwards who has long felt like a man trapped in a woman’s body.
The bisexuals are happy to host this event. They can relate to people who play on both sides of the fence.
This is really good for the Dems. They decided to forego Fox News and hold a debate in front of people they deemed conservative.
**
Rosie O’Donnel is in the news. She was recently on a gay cruise when she drew a beard on a portrait of former co-star Elisabeth Hasselbeck,
That’s the only time you’ll see those three words in the same sentence: Rosie. Gay. Beard.
BTW, Elizabeth not to be outdone, recently retaliated.
She drew a mustache on her refrigerator.
**
Here’s some interesting news: Studies show that the older you get, the less you comprehend humor. I can just imagine that interview process:

Interviewer: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Old Fogie #1: ONE road? Why, when I was a young man, I had to cross fifteen miles of road going uphill in the snow.

Next subject:

Interviewer: No, why did the chicken cross the road?
Old Fogie #2. (having a hard time hearing) .What?
Interviewer: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Old Fogie # 2: HUH?
Interviewer: WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
Old Fogie #2. Screw you, junior. I don’t need any chicken. (Whacks the interviewer with his cane)

Remember, if none of his is funny, you’re probably getting old.
**
Homeland Defense Chief Michael Chertoff has a lot of people concerned. Although he has no intelligence, he seems to feel that we’ll be attacked soon. He can feel it in his gut.
That’s the kind of people George Bush hires. Recently, the director of the Hurricane center was let go because he too had conflict: He kept trying to predict hurricanes by telling people when his bunions hurt.
(pause)
I SAID HE WAS PREDICTING HURRICANES BECAUSE HIS BUNIONS HURT!!
Never mind.
President Bush continues to support Chertoff. He says, “Hey, I know I’m doing the right thing. In fact, as I was walking up the White House this morning I didn’t even step on a line or break my mother’s spine. Also, I didn’t break any mirrors today or walk under any ladders.”
So are things getting better?
I have good news and bad news. The good news is that the Democrats are now at war. The bad news is that they’re at war with Republicans.
Democrats have voted to not renew the Vice President’s budget of $5 million dollars.
Did you know that they need $5 million to run that office. The budget only has two lines. One line shows $28,000 for office supplies. The other shows $4.98 million for hush money.
Thankfully, VP Cheney is doing all he can to recycle and reuse. In fact, he invited some friends over. He commented, “I love seeing my friends faces, it makes me smile, and gives me a chance to recover some missing ammunition.”
(pause)
Nope, it’s not me.
You’re old.
That’s it. Tune in tomorrow!
**
* No, we’ve never heard of Scrappleface.

All this does is make using the word “ginormous” less fun.
BTW, my lobbying for “muckadoo” didn’t pay off. Maybe I should work on “Ronulan.”

Allahpundit seems to be getting quite dejected with politics. In this post, he talked about sitting out the elections. When someone mentioned that that could mean Hillary Clinton will be elected, AP replied, “Just don’t care anymore. How can it be any worse?”
I like Allahpundit’s blogging, so, to cheer him up, I’m going to tell him exactly how things can get worse. In fact, things can get so bad he’ll look back upon this day as the Golden Age and wish he worked harder to get spineless Republicans elected.
HOW THINGS CAN GET WORSE
* We get socialized health care and waits for appointments become so bad that you’ll be glad to see any doctor, even if he is an avowed terrorist.
* There really is a vast conspiracy of the Mexicans and Canadians to make a North American Union. First step, get rid of all the pesky Americans.
* World is plunged into ice age, but we’re still not allowed to do anything that leaves a carbon footprint because, in Al Gore’s words, “Global warming is going to come really, really soon. I’m super cereal!”
* Michael Moore grows in mass to the point he has an event horizon the size of Montana. Reviews of his new film constantly use the word “inescapable.”
* In a huge act of multiculturalism, Michigan enacts sharia law. American cars are then built with new features to assist in implementing fuel-air bombs.
* We retreat from Iraq in such a cowardly manner that any military threat in the future is met with derisive laughter causing us to make even more impotent threats.
* Katie Couric is replaced by Rosie O’Donnell.
* Passage of the Fairness Doctrine means every funny IMAO post must be followed by a horribly unfunny one (it would be different; trust me).
* To help with the floundering housing market, the government encourages random arson.
* The Supreme Court rules that suicide bombing is a protected form of expression.
* Finally bowing to the inevitable, Michelle Malkin replaces the staff of Hot Air with underpaid Mexicans. Because of the cost savings, they all get iPhones.
* Things get so bad and so many people leave the country that Ron Paul actually is the last hope for America.
How do you think things could worse.

So, Miss Jersey was being blackmailed with some pictures, but she won’t say what they’re of other than that they will shock people but it’s not nudity. So what do you think it is?

It should be noted that IMAO only prints Fred Thompson facts officially verified by me. If you have some of your own facts you found, go to FredThompsonFacts.com to submit them.

Ends up there’s a website called Will It Blend? where they have video of different things put in a blender to see what happens. I’m guessing Glenn Reynolds isn’t behind it, because they haven’t tried blending a puppy yet. Then again, Glenn Reynolds already knows whether that will blend.
They have blended an iPhone, though.
(hat tip Hot Air)

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