Disclaimer: Okay, these suck alright? But if I don’t this on a regular basis, I’ll never get back to my old pristine mediocrity. So just put up with the groans for now. K?
The Roundup!
It’s always good to start a humor roundup with nudity.
Unfortunately, Miss New Jersey has left us disappointed. That’s right, Miss New Jersey today showed the world the “racy” photos that were being used to extort her out of her crown.
She was fully clothed and in weird poses. Pageant officials have let her keep her crown and asked that she call them back when she can “loosen up a little.”
The blackmailer really got outwitted. He never stood a chance.
Does anyone remember what she did for the talent portion of Miss New Jersey?
That’s right: Racketeering.
She burned him good.
**
Speaking of getting burned…
You know what’s embarrassing? When there’s a sting put on where people create fake identities and they are able to buy nuclear material from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission.
The government vows that the next time they sell nuclear material, they will take a closer look at the buyers feedback rating. Or their MySpace page.
I’m glad that’s over.
After the conference, the agents handed the acquired materials to a professional disposing agency that pulled up in a Ryder truck.
**
British Police are getting head cams
I’m not making this up. They’re going to wear little cameras on the side of their heads and be able to film all of their actions. Authorities hope this will increase in the process of providing evidence for trials.
Their new video equipment can store 400 hours of video.
Or 30,000 songs.
This can change the way people view police officers.

Before: Hey, do you think that policeman violated my rights?

After: Hey, do you think that policeman made me look fat?

You know what’s weird?
Talking to the cops in England will be like talking to that one friend with the lazy eye. You’re never quite sure which way you should be looking.
So if you’re traveling through England this summer watch out when you see when of these guys. You know you’re in trouble when a police officer asks you to stand next to that other police officer; The one wearing the shirt with horizontal stripes marking how tall someone is.
That’s the difference between America and England. In England, you hear Head Cam and think “police officer’. In America you hear Head Cam and think ‘President Clinton.’
**
The new Harry Potter film is out already and doing great. $44 million dollars so far.
I got an email from somebody asking me if they saw me getting into that long line early this morning. Heck no! I’m not one of the geeks who have no life! I was in the wrong line, OKAY!?
I thought I was waiting for an iPhone.
So the Potter franchise continues to crank out the revenue.
**
On the other end of the spectrum, the New York Times is facing some financial difficulty.
They have had their bond rating lowered yet again. Right now, their bond rating is one step above junk level.
It’s funny if you think about it: Their bond rating is two steps better than their reporting.
**
Rosie O’ Donnel has a new video posted where she insists that her mutated face is not because of herpes.
How many times have we heard THAT one?
Anyway, you have to watch the video. She claims she had an ingrown hair and fished it out with a thumbtack.
Rosie, removed a facial hair with a thumbtack
Gross. This was while she was on the Norwegian cruise ship. Good thing Norway has that socialized medicine.
She should be grateful. Right now, in America, there are 47 million Americans currently without access to thumbtacks.
**
You want wild? Check out this CNN story. This reporter follows a guy in China who works to make Chinese Food made from cardboard.
So he takes cardboard, soaks it, cuts it up nice and small, and then works it into the food.
The bad news is that he uses recycled cardboard, the good news is the containers are made out of fresh ingredients.
Now, if this happened to you, you’d probably go and wash your mouth out. You’d still go to the hospital.
The only problem is they wouldn’t know if you were sick because of the cardboard or the toothpaste.
Remember kids: Eat your spinach.
No wait.
Remember kids: Eat your candy.
More tomorrow.
Remember, if anything made you laugh – it was probably an accident.

In the comments to this post, Monkey Faced Liberal posted a top 10 list purporting to explain why “fewer people are reading IMAO”. Oddly, his reasons only seemed to explain why conservative readership would drop off.
Obviously MFL doesn’t consider liberals to be “people”.
To counteract his deplorable hate speech, I offer these:

Top Ten Reasons Fewer Liberals Are Reading IMAO
10) Political philosophy of “kill the terrorists, protect the borders, punch the hippies” has too many big words.
9) Offended by Frank’s contention that flipping your bangs 20 times to get your hair juuuuust right is NOT a move that simply oozes machismo.
8) Can’t conceive of how Frank can admire Fred Thompson’s character without also desiring sweaty, un-natural carnal relations with the man – what a freak!
7) Puzzled by discussions of self-defense techniques other than “dial 9-1-1 and wait patiently”.
6) Selling T-shirts? Why doesn’t Frank just lobby for a government T-shirt price-support program that pays hims to NOT sell T-shirts, instead?
5) Frustrated by the complete lack of explanatory linkage for Frank’s obscure pop-culture references… ok, that one actually applies to everyone…
4) Michael Moore fat jokes are hate speech; Rush Limbaugh fat jokes are just inherently funny.
3) Still not understanding how killing Iraqi civilians who innocently shoot rockets at American troops can be an effective war strategy.
2) Really hate science fiction stories that don’t revolve around a heroic politicians saving a planet from the perils of global warming.
1) SarahK isn’t a bitter, hatchet-faced, tree-hugging man-hater. TOTALLY unsexy.

---

Hopefully our few remaining liberals feel less hated now.

Cindy Sheehan has been kicked off of Daily Kos because of her talk of running against Nancy Pelosi. That means it’s up to the right-wing blogosphere to help here campaign.
Remember: Pelosi’s district is primarily liberals, so that’s what were aiming for. That means guilt is our primary weapon.
POSSIBLE CINDY SHEEHAN SLOGANS
* Not voting for her is like killing her son again.
* Are you thinking of voting for Pelosi? Chickenhawk!
* If you support Pelosi, you support the troops.
* A vote for Pelosi is real terrorism.
* If you want to kill more Iraqi children, then vote for Pelosi.
Other suggestions?

Venomous Kate has interviewed the lovely and talented me. Go see!

Maybe it’s a sign of the times, but what I imagined was the least worse possibility for the Miss Jersey photos was a light-year away from as innocuous as the photos ended up being. Would this even have made news without the blackmail hype? It’s almost quaint that FOX News is playing these up as scandalous. It’s like a scandal from the ’50s.

Now there’s talk that Fred Thompson won’t announce until September, and some people are getting impatient and worried that momentum for Fred Thompson will die down if he doesn’t get in the race soon.
Poppycock.
The mere knowledge that Fred Thompson will run for President sometime within our lifetime is all conservatives need to know to keep them motivated and keep them fighting. As dark as things may get, we can still say to ourselves, “One day there will be Fred Thompson.” If ever the news starts to make you disenchanted in politics, just whisper, “One day there will be Fred Thompson.” If you’ve been shot and are left bleeding in an alleyway, do not despair; just remind yourself, “One day there will be Fred Thompson.”
Do not give up. One day there will be Fred Thompson.

Global warming is a big problem, and activists have tried solving with a rock concert and by paying other people to plant trees to no avail. Still, let’s not pretend it’s the biggest problem. Here are even greater threats:
GREATER THREATS THAN GLOBAL WARMING
* The imminent destruction of Krypton.
* The possibility of Sauron getting the One Ring.
* A fully-operational Death Star.
* Megatron getting possession of the All-Spark.
* Milo Rambaldi’s discoveries falling into the wrong hands.
* Khaaaaaaaaaaan!!!
* The Joker escaping from Arkham Asylum.
* Cobra Commander and his own personal army.
* Gargamel discovering the location of Smurf Village.
* Any threat that isn’t completely made up.

This sounds like a good blog name: Eloi for Breakfast
Or maybe it’d make a decent book title. The follow on book could be Morlock for Lunch and then to finish off the trilogy, A Sensible Time Traveler for Dinner. Either way at the link is an interesting read about pacifism (he’s agin’ it). Written by someone whose first name is Bruce and whose last name should be nuked.
Can you guess it without looking?

I’ve seen lots of webpages and e-mail forwards about interesting little known facts, thus I thought I’d put up my own list of astonishing facts.
ASTONISHING FACTS
* One out of five dentists have been convicted of a violent crime.
* Wolves only lick what they intend to eat. The reason a dog will lick a human’s hand without eating it is from centuries of selective breeding.
* 1% of American men are or have given serious thought to being a serial killer.
* The “fact” that the earth is flat used to be in Democratic Party platform.
* Ron Paul has the highest documented IQ of any known presidential aspirant past or present.
* Garlic is poisonous until cooked.
* Studies have shown that, if you own a handgun, you’re twice as likely to die of pneumonia.
* If the Sun weren’t in a vacuum, it would make a sound similar to crickets chirping.
* The first ever warm, home-delivered meal was liver and onions.
* Banana flesh is genetically similar to human skin.
* The word “the” is spoken only three times in the movie Casablanca.
* The first ever bullets were made from human bone.
* Sharks can swim backwards nearly as fast as they can forwards, but they only ever do it for mating.
* Tiger Woods has never done better than par on eighteen holes of a miniature golf course.
* The first ninjas were primarily letter carriers.

There are humor geniuses out there who put something out mind-blowingly funny ever so often.
And then there’s me. I put out half-way decent crap.
Every.
Single.
Day.
At least weekdays, that is (excluding holidays). Anyway, it’s actually a much harder feat than the “I’ll write humor when I’m so inspired to.” I don’t have time for inspiration. I’ll waterboard my muse until she spits something out; that’s my commitment to you.
To support this valiant effort, you can give me money so I can spend more time being funny whether I feel like it or not.

Remember, this is your only chance to donate and get a chance to win the Super Happy Fun IMAO Prize Package Number One including being exclusive owner of a hastily drawn Frank J. comic and a mystery prize.
Thanks to everyone who has donated so far. Expect more humor today… or, at least, my best attempt at it. Also there will be the unveiling of the all new IMAO blogroll!
Yeah, I’m not really that excited either.