No joke! Watch this clip (it’s only twenty-two seconds) and listen to the sound Ron Paul makes right after George Stephanopolous tells him he has no chance of becoming President (“That’s not going to happen.”):
Tell me that’s not some sort of alien insect language! I think it’s pretty obvious that it’s probably orders to the evil ant overlords waiting in orbit to attack the earth. Would the Thomas Jefferson of our time really sell us out to toil away in underground sugar mines simply because he’s finally realized he has no chance of becoming President? I think all the evidence of that is right there in front of you.
Archive of entries posted on 9th July 2007
The Race Thus Far
John Hawkins has a great analysis of the 2008 race thus far. Right now, it seems a bit like everything is stalled until Fred Thompson officially throws his hat in (probably a razor lined hat like Oddjob). And, not just the Republican side; the Democrats need to be sure of who they’re going to try and develop their narrative against (and we can prepare to laugh away their narrative). I don’t want to rush Fred Thompson, but I have to say I’m really getting anxious to see his campaign start in full and smash through everything in front of it like a runaway tank.
In other news, Ron Paul is now polling at one and a half support. If his candidacy continues to grow at this rate, he’ll be extremely competitive by 2047.
UPDATE:
My mistake; according to this latest poll, Ron Paul registered no support whatsoever.
LA Times Hit Piece on Fred Thompson Magically Dissolving
The LAT was trying to chip away at Fred Thompson’s pro-life bona fides (because it’s their understanding that will make the Bible-thumpers in the fly-over country angry), but questionable statements in the original story have been quietly disappearing. If this keeps up at this rate, sometime tomorrow the story will simply read, “Fred Thompson talked to some guy in 1991, the LA Times confirms.”
IMAO Condensed: Hillary Clinton
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
A Frank Legal Discussion: Why Is It Illegal to Punch Hippies?
Often I’m asked, “Why, if I punch a hippy, would I be arrested for assault? Are we supposed to believe that the Founding Fathers wanted hippies to walk around un-punched?”
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First off, the Founding Fathers hated hippies as much as you and in no way intended America to be a place hippies could feel safe. What they knew, though, is that allowing people to punch hippies could lead to abuse of the law where someone would punch a non-hippy and claim he thought he was a hippy. So the reason we can’t punch hippies is to protect non-hippies from being punched.
I would support a change in the law, though, where it is legal to punch hippies, but the punched can afterwards legally challenging the punching by claiming to not be a hippy. If the punched was found to in fact be of the non-hippy persuasion, then there will be severe penalties against the puncher for abuse of the hippy punching law.
Some fear this would cause the hippies to overwork our courts by fraudulently claiming after being punched to not be a hippy. I think this shouldn’t be too much of a problem. First, there are people who are very obviously hippies, and an officer arriving on the scene would pronounce it a clean hippy punch and congratulate the puncher for his service to the country. For slightly less obvious hippies, if they claimed to a court to not be a hippy but were then determined to be lying, you can expect the hippy will then be punched by everyone in the courtroom.
Now, I’m not saying these legal changes in the area of hippy punching won’t cause some problems, I’m just saying it will be worth it to put forth the clear message that if you’re a hippy and dare walk the street in America, you will be punched.
Know Thy Enemy: The Moon
IMAO has long advocated nuking the moon, but what do you really know about the moon? I had my crack research team find all they can about our natural satellite, and I bet after reading this you’ll want the moon nuked right away.
FUN FACTS ABOUT THE MOON
* How the moon was created is still a matter of scientific debate, but most agree it was Satan.
* Documents show that the moon plagued early man, often stealing their children.
* Why can’t you see the moon during the day? It hides then because, like Batman, it figures it’s much more threatening in appearance at night.
* Scientists say that to hold a higher position is to show dominance. So why does the moon float up there in the sky? Because it thinks it’s better than us.
* If confronted by the moon in a dark alley, blow your rape whistle.
* The moon is so evil that radical Islamists can only stand to use a sliver of it as their symbol.
* Astronomers note that the moon is the number one source of light pollution world wide.
* It has been shown that the moon is immune to bullets, poison, and being stabbed with a flag pole. The only thing that could possibly harm it is a nuclear strike.
* It’s said the full moon can cause people to go crazy. That means the moon has been conducting psychological warfare against us for ages.
* Jupiter has over sixty moons and is completely uninhabitable by human life.
* About once a month, the moon completely hides shadows. This is when it plots against us.
* Despite its evil, America was forced to put men on the moon and claim it as their own to keep it from falling into the hands of Commie evil.
* If America ever tries to use the moon for its own purposes, it will be consumed by the moon’s evil. That’s why they must destroy the moon where it was created: Mount Doom.
* There’s a piece of moon rock displayed to the public at Kennedy Space Center. When you touch it, you can feel your soul whither.
* The moon, like the puma, has no concern for human life.
* Since the moon controls the tides, it’s responsible for the creation of such evils as tidal waves and surfer dudes.
* The moon always keeps the same side facing the earth. What is it hiding on the other side? Most scientist agree it’s acres and acres of pot.
* In the 1950’s, America considered nuking the moon to prove our dominance over all of God’s domain, but the whiny, weak Democrats stopped from fear of angering the moon. It already hates us and wants to kill us, idiots!
* The moon can be useful as its gravity can slingshot a craft towards Mars. Airplanes use a similar effect to speed up cross-country flights by using the gravity of Michael Moore.
* We left some moon buggies parked on the moon. I’ll bet you the hubcaps are missing.
* In a fight between Aquaman and the moon, the moon would mess up the tides until they threw Aquaman into some power lines.
* Scientists mention numerous possible benefits from nuking the moon such as world peace, learning the cure for cancer, and gaining really awesome video of a mushroom cloud.
* Venus has no moon and has never been under the threat of Communism.
* If you are ever attacked by the moon, don’t panic. Death is certain, so you might as well meet it like a man.
The Hate-Filled Lefty Meets Scooter Libby
lolterizt! Part 5
Once again, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.
Reader submissions:
From Erik Wit:
From Tyrant Rex:
From Jason:
From cadetwithchips2:
From D:
From SondraK via Beth:
From Beth:
From FormerHostage:
PRODUCTION NOTE: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.
Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.
Ron Paul TV Ad
The Chickens Come Home to Roost
You gotta love this: Cindy Sheehan is thinking of challenging Nancy Pelosi in the next election for not impeaching President Bush. The Democrats built up this crazy lady thinking she was a useful tool against President Bush, and now she spends most of her time attacking Democrats.
Have fun with your own, home-brewed crazy!
So, in this election, who do you think IMAO should endorse?
Palestinian Kids Want to Kill the Jews; What Do They Know that We Don’t?
Over at Hot Air they have up video of a nine year old Palestinian wanting to kill the Jews and seem to meet it with disapproval as usual. At some point, though, we will have to stop dismissing these opinions and honestly ask ourselves: Has our non-Jew killing policy yielded the results we hoped? I mean, all the Middle East is for killing the Jews, and those people seem happy and prosperous.
Five Years of Memories
Both Sides: Is Dissent on the War Patriotic?
Free speech is a sacred right in America, but is being critical of military actions in the time of war unpatriotic since it may help the enemy? To look into that question, IMAO is proud to present the opinions of noted right-wing blogger Frank J. and respected left-wing blogger Scary Evil Monkey to give you both sides.
Anyone Who Publicly Criticizes the War Is an Unpatriotic Little Douche
By Frank J.
So we have a military conflict headed by generals with tons of knowledge and information none of us have access to, so why does anyone think they want the opinion of some goober who read a few newspaper articles online?
Freedom of speech is important, but war is a special thing because lives and perhaps our entire country are on the line. The time to argue against a war is before it starts, and if the American people don’t listen to your homo baby whining about how we can solve conflicts through hugs — and they usually don’t — then once the war starts, it’s time to shut your stupid mouth from which your intellectual diarrhea constantly flows.
What does arguing against a war achieve? It convinces the enemy we might give up and keeps them fighting — thus getting more people killed on both sides. If the loser whiny dillholes win out with their constant shrieking and finally cause us to retreat, then that will further convince our enemies we can be beaten causing them to draw us into even more conflicts and getting even more people killed. So why do people speak out against a war while their countrymen are currently getting shot at? Well, the chance of them knowing anything the generals don’t know is essentially nil, so the only reason they speak out is for their own arrogance — because it makes them feel smart. So, the public dissenters of the war think feeling good about themselves is more important than human lives and their country — that sounds like someone we can definitively label an unpatriotic little douche to me.
I’m not saying they shouldn’t be allowed to speak, I’m just saying it would be less harmful if those people actually picked up a gun, went out on the battlefield, and shot at our troops — at least then they’d be eliminated quickly. Also, I’m saying I should be allowed my own freedom of expression to bash their faces in. And, my speech expression will actually achieve something useful for our country — namely bashing the faces in of unpatriotic douches. If those who feel they need to speak out against the war want to really help their country, they should kill themselves.
End the War Now or I Will Eat Your Eyeballs, Turn Them into Poo, and Throw the Poo at You
By Scary Evil Monkey
dum stoopid heelbilly neocon jues! u maid war too maik halleeburton rich but now u all weel die! ur surge has failed! u cannot defeet the islamomonkeys an dey weel cum an blow u up for trying! u worship boosh but hee dum stoopid heelbilly neocon jue just lik de rest of u. everee wun hoo not a dum stoopid neocon heelbilly jue now turn on u. merryica now becum home of us monkeys. den u no wut happens?
I EET UR EYEBALLS! DEN I TURN DE EYEBALLS INTO POO AN I THROW DE POO AT U! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
u ar dooomed! u weel soon leev irak. den wee weel mak u leev afganeestan. u reed daily kos. dat hoo rul frum now on. maybee u bee gud an dey let u dum stoopid heelbilly neocon jues liv… BUT PROBLY NOT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
after wee eet ur eyeballs, turn de eyeballs into poo an throw de poo at u, mee an my kos freends WEEL EET DE POO AGAIN, TURN IT INTO MOR POO, AN THROW DAT POO AT U!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH!!!!!!!
I hope you enjoyed this debate and hearing both sides of the issue. Please give us feedback so we here at IMAO can serve your needs better.
Five Years of IMAO
Five years ago today I said to myself, “There are things out there that need to be said that no one else is saying.” So I got my own blog. Soon I realized that the things I had to say that no one else was saying were really stupid, but people read it anyway.
Five years later, the question is, “What now?” I haven’t made much of a deal about it, but while we’ve been getting our house ready to sell so we can move to Texas (which has taken longer than we thought), this blog has been my only job. I’ve come to realize that as I’ve been writing humor since I was nine and following politics since I was twelve, this is my real calling. Thus, I want to devote more time to blogging to do all the pieces, podcasts, and video I previously didn’t have time for. My wife, the lovely and talented SarahK who I met through blogging, is very supportive of the idea and has been pushing me to really work on being a writer, and now seems as good a time as any to take my best stab at doing this pro.
What does that mean to you? It means you can expect more blogging content out of IMAO. Also, I plan to finally get to work on some other parts of it such as finally adding a blogroll again. Later, I’m going to start some new blogs because there are some other topics I’ve wanted write about but I want to keep IMAO focused only on humor and politics (I’ll post more about the new blogs later).
So what can you do to help? Well, you may have noticed that one of the most popular IMAO features has returned: The tip jar! This is an extra special tip jar, because I’m not going to share its contents with the other IMAO writers (Harvey will continue to get his thin gruel and he’ll like it!). For this week, there is going to be a special super fun IMAO fundraiser. If you’ve enjoyed IMAO, now you can donate money towards helping me be a full time blogger; basically you’ll be giving money to help me blog even more. Plus, you’ll find giving a gift to me makes you feel good inside, and everyone likes to be happy.
Plus, there’s a super prize package! So super, I’m calling it…
SUPER HAPPY FUN IMAO PRIZE PACKAGE NUMBER ONE!
Each dollar you donate before 11:59PM eastern time on Friday gives you one entry towards this:
You could win all this plus a mystery prize!
The package includes:
* The Never Before Seen Frank J. Meets the Hate-Filled Lefty Comic: You’ll own the only copy of an original HFL comic (signed and dated to IMAO fifth anniversary). You can either share it with everyone or burn it after you finish reading it to keep all its humor glory to yourself!
* A Unique Signed Copy of Chronicles of Dubya: It’s unique and one of a kind because the cover printing is crooked. A collector’s item!
* Die Hard 2-Disc Collector’s Edition: We got a second copy when we bought the Die Hard box set, so you can have this one. As a service to you, the plastic wrap and security tape have already been removed.
* A Mystery Prize: Will it be a bar of gold? Something one of the cats tore up? Diamonds? Who knows; its a mystery. It’s whatever you imagine it to be (but more precisely whatever SarahK and I later decide it to be).
With all these prizes, you may ask why not award multiple donors? Well, when I had the t-shirt babe contest, I didn’t also marry Willow and Serenity; it’s winner take all. So donate today so you may win this fabulously awesome prize package!
Expect plenty more extra-special blogging the rest of the day, and more cool blogging and videos the rest of the week. I hope you continue to enjoy IMAO as we now enter our next five years. Democrats still are in office, hippies roam the streets with impunity, monkeys continue to live, and the moon has not been nuked, so there is still much work to be done.
Be honorable, ronin.