Sometimes I get this image of Andrew Sullivan sitting alone in a padded room screaming at the top of his lungs, “You can’t lock me up! I’m the only true conservative left!”
One of these days I have to get to work on the Sane Andrew Sullivan Memorial. We should remember the good times.

You may have heard about the “18 benchmarks” that are being used to judge progress in Iraq, and how only 8 of them have been met.
Here’s the official scorecard:

Goal: Ensuring political groups do not undermine security forces
Unsatisfactory – Political authorities constantly replacing security forces’ desktop icons with wallpaper showing screenshot of icons.
Goal: Reconciliation with former Baathists
Unsatisfactory – When choosing sides for company soccer games, Baathists still being chosen last.
Goal: Reducing the level of sectarian violence and eliminating militia control of local security
Unsatisfactory – Still a lot of fighting between those who believe Allah “tastes great” and those who believe he is “less filling”.
Goal: Provide Iraqi commanders with authority to go after insurgents and militia, whether Sunni or Shia, without political intervention
Unsatisfactory – Although Shias are getting the Sunnis and Sunnis are getting the Shias, nobody is doing a damn thing about the mimes.
Goal: Increasing the number of Iraqi security forces units capable of operating independently
Unsatisfactory – Everyone just stands along the wall, staring at their feet, unless US soldiers start dragging people onto the dance floor.
Goal: Disarming militias
Too soon to judge – They’re trying, but it’s kinda hard when every Tom, Dick, and Mohammed has more weaponry than Keanu Reeves in the lobby scene.
Goal: Raising Iraqi brigades to support operations in Baghdad
Satisfactory – Although the only “combat experience” some brigades have is selling Burka Scout cookies.
Goal: Establishing joint US-Iraq security stations in neighbourhoods across Baghdad
Satisfactory – Thirty-six such stations have been fully established and 32 other Dunkin’ Donuts shops are under construction.
Goal: Amnesty for insurgents
Too soon to judge – Still trying to settle debate on whether “amnesty” should mean “immunity from prosecution” or “a bullet to the head”.
Goal: Election reform
Usatisfactory – Too many provinces are still relying on “butterfly ballots”. 47 elected offices now officially held by Pat Buchanan.
Goal: Political support for Baghdad security plan
Satisfactory – The Iraqi government has appointed teams of scantily clad cheerleaders to root for both US and Iraqi soldiers.
Goal: To deny Baghdad as a safe haven for Al-Qaeda and insurgents regardless of religion
Satisfactory – Al-Qaeda cleared out. Still some minor canvassing by Jehovah’s Witnesses.
Goal: Ensuring that the Iraqi security forces are providing even-handed enforcement of the law
Unsatisfactory – Women are still able to cry their way out of speeding tickets.
Goal: Fairly allocating and spending $10 billion in Iraqi revenues for reconstruction
Satisfactory – Every home in Iraq now has one of those wooden “Grandma bent over in the garden” things.
Goal: Introducing laws that would allow autonomous regions
Satisfactory – Iraqis are now permitted to build a treehouse and enforce a “no girls allowed” policy.
Goal: Constitutional review and reform
Satisfactory – Recent amendment provided for binding dispute-resolution between Baghdad and regional authorities via Rock-Paper-Scissors.
Goal: Protect minority political rights in the Iraqi legislature
Satisfactory – Iraqi legislature now rates a solid “9” on the “Tiger Woods Family Reunion Diversity Scale”.
Goal: Passing an oil law
Unsatisfactory – There is no oil left in Iraq to distribute, since it’s all been stolen by Bush, Halliburton, and JOOOOOS!

I think we’ll do fine, eventually, as long as the donuts hold out.

Is a joke not as funny as you hoped? Try adding a duck.
When selecting an animal to use to increase the humor quotient, most people turn to the monkey, but the duck is actually the more traditional animal choice of humorists. With its silly flat beak and its odd “quack” sound, it’s as if the animal exists for no other reason than our constant derision.

Apparently there are rumors that Bill Clinton has been seeing prostitutes in Las Vegas. There’s nothing substantial to back that up, but how surprising would that be? Given his past history, what are the Vegas odds that Clinton has been faithful to his wife these past couple years while she’s been busy in D.C.? 10,000 to 1?
Better odds are betting on whether he eventually dies of a venereal disease or a drug overdose.
Hmm. Can you overdose on Viagra?

Since the Democrat’s Senate sleepover stunt didn’t achieve anything towards losing the war, the Senate Democrats have some new plans:
IDEAS FOR SENATE DEMOCRAT STUNTS TO LOSE IN IRAQ
* Holding their breaths until we retreat from Iraq.
* Drinking the problem away (Kennedy’s idea).
* Fasting until we flee from Iraq (with only three one-hour breaks from the fast per day).
* Charity car wash to raise money to support more whining about the war.
* Harry Reid will jump seven buses on a motorcycle to end the war (he’ll chicken out; he always does).
* Light a cross on the White House lawn (Byrd’s idea).
* A well choreographed dance number expressing their desire for retreat in Iraq (Edwards’s idea).