Archive of entries posted on August 2007

Ronin Profiles: Estella

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Estella

Let’s meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it’s Estella.

What’s the story behind your name? Some of my friends said I was a modern-day version of Estella, from Great Expectations. I’m not exactly known for my empathy, I suppose. Thus, “Modern Day Estella”
Where do you live? Just a small town in central Louisiana … but I’m one of those Katrina exiles from New Orleans. Most of my family moved back, but I opted out of living in a coastal bowl. Instead, I chose a nice little town where gentlemen carry your groceries to the car for you, and almost everyone has a gun rack and a hunting dog.
How old are you? 25
Tell us briefly about yourself. Wellllll, I’m a lawyer, and a former competitive rock-climber … fiscally conservative but socially libertarian … and a die-hard metalhead. I’ve played in several bands you’ve never heard of, and are probably glad not to have heard of.
For my 25th birthday, I got myself a s&w model 640 .357, and it’s my baby. My boyfriend’s dad is an instructor at the range, and I love going with him to shoot. There’s little better than bonding over revolvers!
I’m a member of the Federalist Society. I’ve read the Federalist Papers in their entirety several times.
And I want to start a movement to bring fun, excessively violent games back to P.E. in grammar schools. Life without dodgeball, melting candles freeze tag, tackle kickball, medic, and Death Soccer simply isn’t worth living. Do we really want the upcoming generation to be total wimps and hippies?
When I draw liberals, I always imagine them wearing pointy hats. Why is that? It takes a pointy hat to cover a pointy head I’d assume said pointy hat is made of tinfoil?
How long have you been reading IMAO? Since sometime around early 2005
What’s your favorite IMAO post? I love “In My World” and anything with Aquaman. Especially Aquaman having a bad day. And I like any about guns.
What’s you favorite political issue? Political corruption, specifically politicians who claim to be in it for the “little man” getting caught with their hands in the proverbial cookie jar. I also get pretty passionate about constitutional law debates. I’ve been involved in some Second Amendment cases.
Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. Nope, I don’t have a website. I’m somewhat of a luddite. My computer is a glorified typewriter with spotty internet access.
Where have all the flowers gone? Wherever they are, hopefully the so-called “flower children” will follow them, and never ever come back. Damn hippies. We need to come up with a way to use hippie-stench as a renewable energy source if they won’t simply disappear of their own accord. Nah, it can be a non-renewable energy source. Like the human goo from The Matrix … or Soylent Green! Yeah! A new use for the Green Party!

If you commented in the original post that you want to be included, you’re still in the running. Eventually I’ll have another post asking for who wants to participate, so keep reading. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far!

Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact

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john edwards fabulous.jpgJohn Edwards believes that “NFL” stands for “Nightly Fix of Lifetime“.

Kos Is Just Like a Pedophile

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Kos has never really been a particularly smart person. His political insights are simplistic at best and more often than not just a hysterical reaction to something that made his wee brain mad (though often he’ll erase those later). Also, he never has incentive to be smarter because the Daily Kos comment system is designed to weed out anyone who might attempt critical thinking.
A while ago, he compared Republicans to the Taliban and Al Qaeda, his mind figuring, “Me no like Republicans. Me know me no supposed to like Taliban. So Republicans just like Taliban! Me figure how!” Of course, if Republicans were actually like the Taliban and Al Qaeda, then he’d finally spend time denouncing the Taliban and Al Qaeda.
Anyway, one guy said something, so Kos done figure that proved his point comparing millions of his fellow Americans to sub-human murders. But my real point is that Kos is just like a pedophile.
SIMILARITIES OF PEDOPHILES AND KOS
Pedophiles and Kos: Takes advantage of those with limited mental facilities.
Pedophiles and Kos: Shunned by most of society.
Pedophiles and Kos: Think their creepy behavior is justified.
Pedophiles and Kos: Make idiotic arguments to support their views.
Pedophiles and Kos: Common catchphrase: “Screw ’em!”

It’s Either This, or Take Up Needlepoint

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Now that Alberto Gonzales has resigned, he’ll have a lot of time on his hands. How will he fill it? I speculate thusly:

  • Figure out why everyone keeps telling him they “don’t need no steenkin’ badges”.
  • Be seen in the same room as Speedy Gonzales to finally quell the rumors about them being the same person.
  • Make midnight prank calls to those jackass prosecutors who got so snippy about being fired.
  • Team up with Rumsfeld & Rove to form a Rush tribute band.
  • No, I meant the rock group.
  • Start a grassroots organization dedicated to bringing back the IMAO podcast.
  • Keep playing Minesweeper 8 hours a day, just like when he worked for Bush. That game is like CRACK, I tell you!
  • Accept the role of the hilariously mis-matched Hispanic sidekick in the remake of “Dirty Harry“.
  • Hang out in the Home Depot parking lot with the rest of his family.
  • Write his obligatory insider tell-all book, tentatively titled “Hasta la Vista, Bushy!”
  • Subtitled “Pendejo Estupido”
  • See if Fred Thompson is interested in making an Affirmative Action hire.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I gotta go see if he’s got my lawn mowed yet.

The Hate-Filled Lefty Meets Fred Thompson

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Which Facts Are Most Factual?

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Fred Thompson will be announcing in less than a week, so we all must prepare. First off, I’d like to know what are your favorite Fred Thompson facts. You can look either here on IMAO or at a more nicely presented list here. I ask because I want to do some more facts merchandise to get your sweet sweet money. Muh ha ha ha!

Daily Fred Thompson Fact

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Silver Age Fred Thompson could easily destroy mountains with a single punch, but the current Fred Thompson, while still the world’s most powerful politician, is considerably depowered.

Finally **UPDATED with Confirmation**

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Politico is saying it’s the 6th of September that Fred Thompson will announce while Red State says it will be 4:30 today (i.e., less than an hour from when I write this). At least no one is saying October anymore.
I think you’ll want a shirt for the occasion.
UPDATE:
Apparently what will be announced five minutes from as I write this update is that he will announce on September 6th.
UPDATE 2:
It’s official. September 6th he’ll be entering the race. He won’t be in the Republican debate on the 5th and instead have an appearance on Leno.
With a firm date, excitement begins to return. Soon there will be Fred Thompson.

Ronin Profiles: Pork & Beans

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Pork & Beans

Let’s meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it’s Pork & Beans.

What’s the story behind your name? I wrote a practice on vernacular for my writing instructor in college that had to do with eating pork & beans. She loved it and most everything else that I wrote. I signed all my homework with that name. At the end of the term she suggested I read Twain’s and Patrick McMannus’ books; she said they have that “pork & beans” flavor. Kinda stuck.
Where do you live? I live on a wide spot in the road in rural western Oregon called Kings Valley.
How old are you? 51, but I feel older most times.
Tell us briefly about yourself. I grew up in the area where I live. I worked as a logger for many years (that’s why I hate those filthy stinkin’ hippies!). After my body started to break down, I worked for a major printer manufacturer as a technician for 11 years. Now I’m laid-off and looking for work. My wife and I breed Siberian Huskies and that helps a little.
Who would win in a fight between Wolverine and Aquaman if the fight were underwater (remember that Wolverine can’t breathe underwater)? Also, Wolverine’s claws are broken, he’s hung over, and he put his mask on backwards. Who would win? I can’t breathe underwater, don’t have claws, I’m extremely hung over, put my pants on backwards, and even I could probably kick Aquaman’s butt. Wolverine, hands down!
How long have you been reading IMAO? Three or four years I think.
What’s your favorite IMAO post? I have to say “Frank the Artist” is my favorite. You are an artistic and comic genius! I love Newsish Fakery (my photoshop work was posted there once).” There was a post by Lawrence Simon about your’s and his trip to the Olive Garden that was great. And, anything by Harvey.
What’s you favorite political issue? It’s all so maddening, but too important to ignore. The things democrats do to win just boils my blood. My state is “vote by mail.” My mail carrier is a stinkin’ hippie with Kerry/Edwards bumper stickers on her old Volvo station wagon. Our county (Benton) voted for socialized medicine when this blue state voted it down by 70%. I’m sure my ballot hasn’t been counted since 2000.
Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. Yes I have two. One is for our dog breeding business(it was built using MS Publisher so it needs to be viewed in IE) and the other is a blog I just started. I aspire to write like Patrick McMannus and thought I’d start writing funny stories about growing up here along with other things that come to mind. It’s pretty lame and only has one real post on it, but it’s a true story (I’ll embellish later). http://skipnrocks.blogspot.com. Be kind!
How would you protect the borders? Personally, I’d have the oil companies build several refineries in Mexico first. Then I’d launch a full scale invasion on Latin America and conquer everything to the Columbian border. Panama would be broken into two states separated by the canal. The state of South Panama would become our largest military base. Our Southern border would be less then one hundred miles and a ten mile strip to the north would be firing range for all weaponry. Otherwise, I’d utilize S.M.I.T.E or the Mexi-Cannon.

If you commented in the original post that you want to be included, you’re still in the running. Eventually I’ll have another post asking for who wants to participate, so keep reading. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far!

Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact

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john edwards fabulous.jpgStill on John Edwards’s “unsolved mysteries” list – why is there always a line of guys facing the wall when he enters a men’s restroom?
Bonus Fact from Silicon Valley Jim:
John Edwards doesn’t get what’s funny about Animal House and Blazing Saddles.

Ask Dr. Duck: The Questions

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(As the IMAO readers sit quietly in their bathoom stalls, reading IMAO magazine, a tapping noise is heard in the stall next door. A hand emerges under the stall wall and gives a wave.)
You know what time it is?
No, not THAT, Senator Craig!! Somebody get this sicko out of here, please.
That’s the signal for Ask Dr. Duck. Well, no, it’s also the signal for give me toilet paper. And the signal for “Howdy, Sailor” but let’s go with the first definition.
Ladies and gentlemen, let’s face it: You have sad lives.
Sad, sad, sad. That’s why you read IMAO. This site makes you laugh.
Truly sad.
But it’s not all bad. From time to time, Dr. Duck emerges for his stall, I mean, office and offers the kind of sound advice that leaves you asking an important question: “When are we finally going to get socialized medicine?”
Sometimes people say, “Why can’t you just shut up? Your last piece of advice got me shot at/divorced/fired/separated.” I can’t help it, folks.
I care.
That’s why Dr. Duck (graduate of the Colegio de Sicologia y Tapiceria de Tijuana) is here to help you with the questions that most plague your mind and keep you from focusing on the things you need to be doing. Such as working. Or not working. Hey, I don’t judge the freaks, I just hep them.
So what’s on your mind? Relationships? Life? Politics?
Ask the questions and Dr. Duck will have the answers up soon.

I Was Thinking…

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I sometimes use a wide stance (an isosceles) at the gun range. If that ever gets misinterpreted, it could be a bloodbath.

Dog Quizzing Ring Broken Up

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Two dogs preparing to be pitted against each other.

I thought you should hear it from me before you hear it the news. Yesterday, the police came to my house to break up a dog quizzing ring I’ve been running, alleging I’ve been cruelly pitting dogs against each other in categories such as math, science, history, and pop culture. They confiscated my Trivial Pursuit cards and said they could take my dog Rowdi away if I ask her any question more academic than, “Who’s a good girl?”
Yes, I do run dog quizzing rings, but I don’t think I should have to apologize for that. Animal rights people say its cruel since dogs aren’t very good at academics and tend to get laughed at a lot in these competitions — especially since we make them wear mortarboards — which they say can hurt canine self-esteem. I say these competitions are great for dogs; it used to be that dogs could get by just herding sheep or scaring away trespassers, but today’s jobs such as leading the blind and searching for explosives takes education. That’s what these quizzing rings do: They prepare today’s dogs for the jobs of tomorrow. Also, it’s so cute when they hit the buzzer with their paws and bark an answer.
Now, I guess I can see why some people might look upon this as abhorrent, but you have to understand that it’s a cultural thing. Putting silly hats on dogs and asking them quiz questions is just something white people do. The whiter we are, the more likely we are to do it. It’s not that I don’t love my dog; it’s just I love her more when she excels academically.

Bush Declares “We’ll Help Iran Get Nuclear Weapons”

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WASHINGTON (AP) – In a concilliatory statement, President Bush recognized Iran’s right to pursue the development of atomic weapons, and promised that the US would be supportive of their efforts.
“Every nation,” said the President, “whether a freedom-loving democracy or a dictatorial, Allah-worshipping hellhole, has the right to develop atomic weapons. It is my intent to see that Iran’s President Ahmadinejad gets those weapons.”

Free nuclear weapons for Iran (some re-assembly required)

“Specifically,” Bush clarified, “in the form of a dozen 10-megaton mushroom clouds, which those psychotic Muslim bastards may attempt to reverse-engineer to their hearts’ content. Assuming their hearts haven’t been vaporized by the intial blast or melted into organic goo by the radioactive fallout.”
Addressing criticisms that the US would be acting unilaterally, Mr. Bush explained that the support of Iran’s nuclear program would be an international effort. “Israel, for example, has been itching to do some above-ground testing of their fissionables. I’ve invited them to join in the fun with us. I just hope Ahmedinejad doesn’t mind getting a few Jewclear weapons dropped on his front porch.”
In a Tehran news conference, Iran’s President scoffed at the threat of military action against his regime, saying that “even if they were to decide to do so, they would be unable to carry it out.”
Bush responded calmly to the defiance. “I suppose Amedinejad – or ‘Amy’ as I like to call him – is right. Americans certainly don’t seem to have the cojones for a decent war these days. That’s why I intend to start with diplomatic pressure. Specifically, economic sanctions. More specifically, a declaration of economic sanctions duct-taped to a 10-megaton warhead.”
A still-defiant ‘Amy’ then mocked America’s lack of determination in Iraq. “The political power of the occupiers is collapsing rapidly,” he said. “Soon, we will see a huge power vacuum in the region. Of course, we are prepared to fill the gap.”
A completely unimpressed Bush replied, “Not if we fill the gap with high-energy neutrons first.”

Nation of Sissies

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They’re banning tag? You can’t draw a picture of a gun and you can’t even chase each other; it’s like some people out there won’t be satisfied until every boy grows up to have a wide stance.
At least they still haven’t banned my favorite playground game: bare-knuckle boxing.