Aww, man. Am I going to have to write posts again today? Well, I’ll get to that and you can check out links from Conservative Grapevine such as:
The Diplomad: In order to save the world from global warming, Bullwinkle must die.
Newsbusters: Less than half of published scientists endorse global warming theory
Cracked: The 8 most embarrassing musical performances by non-musicians
Hot Air: Again: off-duty cop killed by illegal alien drunk driver
Conservative Grapevine: It’s fun to click on links!
as told to IMAO.
John Edwards recently suggested that American’s give up their SUV’s in order to save the environment. Sometimes, quotes can be taken out of context. We felt it only fair, in the interest of balance, to air this Public Service Announcement.
**
**
**
**
**
**
**
This has been a public service announcement. John Edwards is the author of the book Don’t Tease: A Guide To International Diplomacy and Haircare. He is also running for President of the United States.
|
Let’s meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it’s Hebert.
What’s the story behind your name? My parents named me Hebert. It’s from the Bible.
Where do you live? Tacoma, Washington.
How old are you? 22 years old
Tell us briefly about yourself. I have a hilarious job (well…the disconnect between what I imagined my job would be when I was a kid and the job I ended up with is hilarious) that pays much more than I’m worth because I have a degree from an expensive school which I couldn’t afford. The system works!
I don’t think I like you. Why is that? There are lots of possible reasons. You might resent the fact that I’m funnier than you. And smarter. And that I’m better looking than you and that my girlfriend is prettier than your wife. Or, you may just resent my malignant narcissism.
However, if any of those are the reasons, then an additional reason would be that you’re crazy, because most of those aren’t even remotely true.
Maybe the reason you don’t think you like me is that you just don’t think about me at all. Which is fine. Nobody else does either.
Whatever the reason, should I assume that you do think you don’t like me? (Gets out pen and list of names…) Just curious…
How long have you been reading IMAO? Umm…two years, I think.
What’s your favorite IMAO post? I like Frank the Artist. Also, whenever the crazy monkey posts (not spacemonkey, the dumb monkey.)
[Not spacemonkey? -Ed.]
What’s you favorite political issue? Imperialism! For fun and profit! Like this:
“Everything looks good from here… Yes. Yes, this is a fertile land, and we will thrive.”
( Stegosaurus) “We will rule over all this land, and we will call it… ‘This Land’.”
(T-Rex) “I think we should call it…your grave!”
(Stegosaurus) “Ah, curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!”
(T-Rex) “Ha ha HA! Mine is an evil laugh…now die!”
Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. Yes, I have a myspace page that I put together in High School. At least, I think I do, but I can’t find it.
If you could fire liberals out of a cannon, what would fire them at? Uhhhh….Helen Hunt, maybe. Or the Bahamas. Probably the Bahamas.
If you commented in the original post that you want to be included, you’re still in the running. Eventually I’ll have another post asking for who wants to participate, so keep reading. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far!
John Edwards invented the “Eek! It’s a spider!” dance.
Bonus Fact from Anonomouse Reader:
John Edwards had to stop using his Clapper because of the severe bruising he suffered from just using it one time.
I don’t get why putting in foot baths for Muslims at schools is such a problem. I guess its because most people don’t really see the point in washing their feet. Well, why don’t places just start putting in bidets. Muslims can use them to wash their feet and everyone else can use them to wash their bums. Everyone is happy. That’s synergy, people.
WASHINGTON (AP) – Average scores on the reading and math sections of the SAT test declined slightly this year, indicating that America’s teenagers are dumber than ever. This news was greeted by jubilation from Democrats across the country.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi explained her party’s barely-suppressed giddiness. “The fact is, Democrats have nothing to offer the average intelligent, self-sufficient person. All we can do is take advantage of drooling idiots who want to put their lives in the hands of the Nanny State. Our only shot at political power is the votes of people who are too dumb to think for themselves. This time, it’s the jackpot. Think for themselves? Hell, these pierced & tatted Avril wanna-be’s can barely think at all!”
Ms. Pelosi took time out to dance a merry jig of happiness before continuing. “If current stupidity trends continue – and, like global warming, there’s no reason to think this trend could be just a minor statistical blip based on bad data – the US will be solid blue, ocean to ocean, by 2015, which my mathematical skills tell me is an election year. The only obstacle currently standing in our way is the fact that the word ‘vote’ is longer and more difficult than ‘cat’ or ‘dog’.”
However, some people objected to being called “mega-tard-tastic” just because of piss-poor standardized test scores. Miss Teen USA contestant Lauren Upton (Miss South Carolina) explained her point of view:
Afterwards, Ms. Pelosi danced another jig.
I was thinking I would be neglecting my civic duty if I didn’t offer some suggestions for Attorney General to replace Alberto Gonzales. According to Wikipedia, the United States Attorney General is “the head of the United States Department of Justice concerned with legal affairs and is the chief law enforcement officer of the United States government fart poopie boogers.”
So who best fits that description?
Robocop: Robocop was my first reaction. He is part man, part machine, all cop. Robocop is good at enforcing laws. Also, he has a gun in his leg. He would be programmed with these directives:
1. Serve the public trust
2. Protect the innocent
3. Uphold the law
4. (Classified)
I’m guessing the fourth one is something that would allow him to break the other directives in the case of helping a Bush-Cheney dictatorship, but who knows.
“Dirty” Harry Callahan: I think it would be perfect for the chief law enforcement officer to be a rogue cop who doesn’t play by the rules. Of course, this could be trouble for him at his confirmation hearings as Democrats would proclaim, “We can’t confirm him! He’s a rogue cop! And not just a rogue cop; a rogue cop who doesn’t play by the rules!” Callahan would then say, “Rules are made to be broken, just like your nose!” And then he’d punch the Democrat in the face, because that’s what Callahan does: He punches liberals in the face when they get in the way of justice!
Horatio Cain: C.S.I. from Miami, notable for often committing more homicides than he solves. I’m not even sure if C.S.I.s usually even carry guns, but he’s always running in ahead of S.W.A.T. teams and what not shooting suspects. Anyway, he has a great analytical mind. Also, he has sunglasses. If someone got in a legal dispute with him, he be like, “That would be a matter for…” Dramatically puts on his sunglasses. “…the Supreme Court.” Steps off to the side while a song by The Who starts to play.
Well, that’s all the ideas I have for Attorney General. It’s kinda a boring job. Maybe it would be more interesting if the Attorney General got some sort of jet copter so he could fly around and quickly enforce laws. The jet copter should have missiles. “Aiee! It’s the Attorney General!” criminals would yell upon site of his jet copter breaking up their drug dealing. Now that’s U.S. justice!
I’m tired and busy. Maybe I just won’t write anything today. Maybe I’ve decided blogging is for losers. While you’re waiting for my decision in that regard, you can check out links from Conservative Grapevine such as:
CNN Money: The richest (and poorest) places in the U.S.
Noemie Emery: The paranoid style of the American left.
Sci Fi Tech: The top 10 tech toys for the filthy rich
No Oil for Pacifists: Cartoon of the day: Democrats want it both ways on the surge.
Conservative Grapevine: The Adventure of Links
John Hawkins has a list of what he says are the top ten South Park episodes. Now, I can’t quite comment on them because apparently there are some later seasons of South Park where I don’t think I’ve seen any of the episodes, but I disagree with his number one pick. While that is one of my all time favorite episodes, I think Underwear Gnomes (his number three pick) is there best ever episodes. The scene where the gnomes explain their plans to make money from stealing underwear is one of the most memorable and quotable scenes of any TV show, plus how many shows have you ever seen where the moral of the episode is that big corporations are good?
UPDATE:
Ace is right; Scott Tenorman Must Die was a genius episode and should be on there somewhere. It was played realistically of what would happen if a ten year old tried to outsmart a teenager… until the awesome finale.
“Ohhh, the tears of unfathomable sadness, mmm, yummy… yummy you guys!”
|
|
Let’s meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it’s George guy.
What’s the story behind your name? I was named George after my grandfather, and I’m a guy.
Where do you live? State College, Pennsylvania. It’s basically the armpit of Penn State
University.
How old are you? 21.
Tell us briefly about yourself. I’m an artist for the most part, even though I didn’t get through art
school. I blame the evil socialist public school system for squelching my ambition. I was going to get into animation, but it was really hard, so until I can try again I’m cleaning houses.
If you were to condense IMAO into one word, what would it be? Plausible.
How long have you been reading IMAO? Close to 3 years, I think.
What’s your favorite IMAO post? This one: https://www.imao.us/index.php/2004/08/in-my-world-opening-old-wounds/. I think it’s the
first really funny one I read.
What’s you favorite political issue? Education, if that can be called a political issue. I rather like the idea of having kids some day and it’s rather depressing to see all the crap going on in the schools these days. I don’t think education should be a political issue. The fact that politicians have a say in what goes on with schools is itself a problem.
If education doesn’t count, I’d go with federalism. Keeping government localized is a good way to keep the liberals and their insane policies contained before we get to the point where we can seize power and punch them all in their dumb monkey faces.
Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. http://thinginess.comicgenesis.com It’s a sort of surreal serial adventure comic strip. Among other things, it has environmentalists getting slaughtered. I should have another page up by the end of the month.
The bomb will go off in three more seconds. Red wire, black wire, blue wire, green wire: Which do you cut? I’d rule out the blue one because that’s nobody’s favorite color except for the UN, and they don’t use bombs so much as stern condemnations. Red’s the favorite color of communists, but they’re all environmental now and bombs make too much carbon dioxide, contributing to global warming. Green would be out too in that case except that it’s also the Muslims’ favorite color, so I’m inclined to go with green. They could just as easily choose black, but I don’t think they’d want to be associated with emo punk kids, as that lifestyle is a form of devil worship invented by the Jews and Americans in the 19th century, so they say.
If you commented that you want to be included before, you’re still in the running. You can also comment in this post; just make sure you fill in your e-mail on the comment form (only I can see it so you don’t have to worry about getting spam). Eventually we’ll get to everyone. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far!
He does like to taunt us.
