I was thinking I would be neglecting my civic duty if I didn’t offer some suggestions for Attorney General to replace Alberto Gonzales. According to Wikipedia, the United States Attorney General is “the head of the United States Department of Justice concerned with legal affairs and is the chief law enforcement officer of the United States government fart poopie boogers.”
So who best fits that description?
Robocop: Robocop was my first reaction. He is part man, part machine, all cop. Robocop is good at enforcing laws. Also, he has a gun in his leg. He would be programmed with these directives:
1. Serve the public trust
2. Protect the innocent
3. Uphold the law
4. (Classified)
I’m guessing the fourth one is something that would allow him to break the other directives in the case of helping a Bush-Cheney dictatorship, but who knows.
“Dirty” Harry Callahan: I think it would be perfect for the chief law enforcement officer to be a rogue cop who doesn’t play by the rules. Of course, this could be trouble for him at his confirmation hearings as Democrats would proclaim, “We can’t confirm him! He’s a rogue cop! And not just a rogue cop; a rogue cop who doesn’t play by the rules!” Callahan would then say, “Rules are made to be broken, just like your nose!” And then he’d punch the Democrat in the face, because that’s what Callahan does: He punches liberals in the face when they get in the way of justice!
Horatio Cain: C.S.I. from Miami, notable for often committing more homicides than he solves. I’m not even sure if C.S.I.s usually even carry guns, but he’s always running in ahead of S.W.A.T. teams and what not shooting suspects. Anyway, he has a great analytical mind. Also, he has sunglasses. If someone got in a legal dispute with him, he be like, “That would be a matter for…” Dramatically puts on his sunglasses. “…the Supreme Court.” Steps off to the side while a song by The Who starts to play.
Well, that’s all the ideas I have for Attorney General. It’s kinda a boring job. Maybe it would be more interesting if the Attorney General got some sort of jet copter so he could fly around and quickly enforce laws. The jet copter should have missiles. “Aiee! It’s the Attorney General!” criminals would yell upon site of his jet copter breaking up their drug dealing. Now that’s U.S. justice!
RoboCop in Airwolf or Blue Thunder but which one too give him. That is the question.
Bruce Dickenson…because I think justice needs more cowbell.
I recommend Lennie Brisco. He’s a Jew, which fits the neo-con agenda, and any press conferences would end in a wisecrack about his prostate, ex-wife, etc. And what politics needs now is more (intentional) humor. The sad part is he’s dead. And since Rove is gone now, it’ll be hard to enlist the help of the undead in aid of the administration.
OMG NO FRANK NO!! NOT HORATIO CAIN!!
Can you imagine the horror of having to sit through daily press conference being overwhelmed by exponentially worse “one-liners” That would be considered cruel and unusual punishment.
Ann Coulter. Cornell undergraduate, Michigan law. Just think of how many knots the pansy Dems (pardon the redundancy) would tie themselves into if she were nominated.
If Fred doesn’t declare soon he could be AG. All crime would be eliminated!
Sgt Martin Riggs… from Lethal Weapon… he could even shoot smiley faces into suspects from 100 yards!
Horatio Cain, bad one-liners & all, would be notable because he has this uncanny ability to sneak up on suspects when they’re just going about their business.
Zero Omega – Costar of the Mega Man X series. He’s a robot, so he’ll make logical decisions. He used to be an evil robot, so he has the intimidation factor. And he packs a laser sword, what more could you want?
Actually, Giuliani would make a good USAG. After all, his first name is “Rudolph,” he’s a good lawyer and he likes to fight crime. His motto could be, “If you see the red nose coming, you’re dead.”
Rooster Cogburn…”no man alive likes to be called low-down and high-smellin” The country went to hell the day John Wayne died!
I’d nominate the Duelist robot from WestWorld.
Pros: relentless; unstoppable; needs little power; great aim; cannot be killed completely.
Cons: people with guns would most likely outdraw him.
Hmmm, actually, since only conservatives have any skill with guns, that won’t be too much of a problem.
I respectfully suggest Gandalf the White as AG.
Clearly, scrupulously honest AND can take down Balrogs! And, since that whole Return of the King thing is over, he is open!
Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer is the obvious choice for Attorney General.
All I know is I’m not gay and I never have been gay.
Judge Judy
Horatio Cain is a Doosh. Jethro Gibbs is the man for the job. Nobody is better at drinking coffee, smacking heads and looking really pissed off. It works, for reals. and, when you get right down to it, isn’t that what a good AG is?
Vampirella.
Because I like looking at Vampirella.
A certain Senator was heard to complain…”a guy smokes one peter and he’s a peter smoker for the rest of his life!”…
uh… hello? anyone home?
cough jack bauer cough
if not him, then maybe one of the characters from an original usa television show. maybe adrian monk… or johnny from dead zone… or, better still, that guy from burn notice…
i like that show
Now that I’m not distracted by any stupid worked related stuff, I can add this:
Jethro Gibbs was also a Marine sniper. could become veeery handy in certain situations.
He would have to team up often with Ziva, yet another very sexy bonus.
I’d go with my old First Sergeant. I would feel bad for him, being an Airborne Ranger put in charge of a company of cooks, but he would probably kill me for my pity. The man could PT us to death and make us love it. But since Top is esoteric, I’m going to go with PaleoMedic on this one and nominate Special Agent Gibbs.
THE BEST ONE OF ALL: HIGHLANDER!
NOTHING LIKE A MESSY BEHEADING TO SCARE THE BEJEEBERS OUT OF CRIMINALS (BONUS–THE MOONBATS WILL ALSO FAINT–SO IF WE SCHEDULE EXECUTIONS FOR THE NIGHT BEFORE AN ELECTION THEY WILL ALL BE UNCONSCIOUS AND NOT VOTE).
Fishlaw seems quite EXCITED ABOUT THE HIGHLANDER. Personally, I’m not a big Toyota Fan.
I’m thinking Judge Dread.
I think the President should issue an Executive Order conferring upon Himself the Juris Doctorate degree, and then appoint himself as Attorney General (by a recess appointment). After a bit of experience in the job, he could then declare himself Supreme Lawgiver. That would simultaneously solve the problem of when to hold the Iowa Caucus — never.
Fear will keep the States in line — fear of this blog.
Batman, of course.
The clear choice is John McClain. He leaves a trail of bodies wherever he goes, as we were reminded in the recent documentary about him entitled Live Free or Die Hard.
What jest! Of course you must nominate noble me!
I’m thinking Brock Samson or Killface.
Clearly Mr. T would be the best choice. He has prior government experience with extralegal activities, did public service with a gymnastics team, and shows how compassionate he can be when he “Pitys the foo!”.
Plus CSPAN would become very interesting as the whole confirmation hearing would be Mr. T throwing democrats onto strategicly placed empty cardboard boxes.
I second Ann Coulter, or Mark Levin (assistant to Reagan’s AG, IIRC?). I think if we really put our minds into it, we could give Reid and/or Pelosi an actual aneurysm. How cool would that be?
Chomps. The worlds angriest dog.
If we’re nominating dogs, why not Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog? At the confirmation hearings, he’d make fun of the Democrats almost as much as Coulter would.
How could you suggest someone from USA and not mention Shawn Spencer from Psych? “The spirits are telling me we can’t perform that search. But they’re saying it with ‘meows.’ I’m seeing hairballs everywhere…” “Cats? Katz v. United States!” “Yes!”
Fred Thompson (until he becomes president)