Americans With No Abilities Act

(Submitted by zzyzx [High Praise!])

WASHINGTON (AP) – The Democrats in the Senate are proposing sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many more Americans.

The Americans With No Abilities Act (ANAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills and ambition.

While originally elected with no abilities, Senator Barbara Boxer (D-CA) has since developed the abilities to slow clap, raise taxes, and do a passable “Tootsie” impression.

“Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,” said California Sen. Barbara Boxer. “We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing.”

In a Capitol Hill press conference, Nancy Pelosi pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons with No Ability (63 percent).

Under the ANAA, more than 25 million mid-level positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of POI into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the ANAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, “Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?”

“As a non-abled person, I can’t be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,” said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Mich., due to her inability to remember ‘righty tighty, lefty loosey’. “This new law should be real good for people like me. I’ll finally have job security.”

With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. Said Sen. Dick Durbin, IL: “As a senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so.”

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Standing on Principle, Obama Walks to Climate Change Conference

“No thanks, we’ll walk” said Obama, eschewing his limo for a 10-mile stroll from the airport to his hotel.

MILAN (AP) – In an inspirational case of walking the walk (in this case, literally), former President Barack Obama arrived on foot to make a speech on climate change at the “Seed & Chips: The Global Food Innovation Summit” in the city of Milan, Italy.

Surrounded by an entourage of Secret Service agents riding solar-powered Vespas, the former leader of the free world’s environmentally-conscious means of transportation raised eyebrows and caused blushes of shame to appear on the cheeks of attendees whose modes of transportation were less respectful of the planet.

“I feel so hypocritical,” sighed famous carbon-criticizing celebrity Leonardo DiCaprio. “I mean, I came into Milan on a private jet and had a 14-car convoy follow me to the convention center. Obviously I’m no Obama.”

While Milanese authorities offered Obama the high level of security befitting a former US President, in a stunning move of dedication to principle – even at the risk of imperiling his own life – Obama turned them down.

“As a matter of course, I told Mr. Obama that we were planning to put out 300 extra officers, plus have a helicopter hovering above his location at all times,” said Milan police chief Benito Gamboni, “but he would not have it. He said, ‘I’m not worth it. Post those men in the woods and by the waters. Protect Mother Earth. She’s more important.’ I’ve never seen a man so dedicated to a cause.”

Although we were able to catch up to Mr. Obama for comment (he’s more of an ambler than a strider) he refused to answer any questions because the microphone we held out for him to speak into ran on electricity.

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Zuckerberg Admits Story of Facebook Going After Fake News Is Fake News

This is my concerned face. Yeah… it’s fake, too.

MENLO PARK (AP) – A recent much-publicized effort by Facebook to stop the spread of “fake news” on its social media pages turned out to be nothing more than fake news propagated by Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg as a cheap PR stunt.

“After I found out ‘#fakenews’ was trending on Twitter – not that I read Twitter… nobody should read Twitter… Don’t read Twitter! – I decided I could sorta ‘ride the wave’ and get some free publicity,” explained Zuckerberg. “It’s a meaningless phrase anyway, and my ‘trying to stop it’ is mostly just cover for banning people I don’t like. Like racists, Tea Party dweebs, Trumpers, and Albanians – that last one’s a long story, but suffice it to say that this close to getting Jim Belushi deported.

Zuckerberg explain, that although it started as a joke, it quickly got out of hand.

“Facebook just kept publishing more and more ridiculous items,” continued Zuckerberg, “and nobody said anything. Eventually, I just thought ‘why not just keep posting increasingly ridiculous things until people finally get that we’re pulling their legs, then we all have a good chuckle & go back to the serious?’ Next thing I know Trump’s President, and 90% of my revenue depends on lies about him or from him and I can’t let the truth come out anymore. Then I realized that people love to believe fake news, so I made up a story about cracking down on it. Sure enough. They bought that, too.”

I don’t know why anybody is surprised by this,” said Zuckerberg. “I mean, it’s all over the internet that Facebook is an unreliable gossip-factory that’s lousy with made-up stories, then people are shocked – SHOCKED! – that the unsourced stories that all point in the direction of making Facebook’s credibility problem go away are – get this – also made-up stories. Good heavens! These gullibidiots are probably shocked when cows go ‘moo'”.

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Colbert Fired Over Shocking Trump Remarks

There’s a giant hook coming for me from the side of the stage, isn’t there?

NEW YORK (AP) – The CBS television network has announced that Stephen Colbert has been fired from his position as host of “The Late Show” over controversial remarks that he made about President Donald Trump.

Late Show producer Chris Licht said that the move was “unavoidable”.

“CBS is in the business of entertainment, and if you offend your viewers, they stop watching, then nobody advertises on the show. Nobody advertises, we don’t make any money, which – as anyone who doesn’t work for the government knows – isn’t a viable business model. Colbert had to go because I like eating and making my Ferrari payments.”

Long-time Colbert associate, Jon Stewart, while shocked, said he still couldn’t fault CBS’s decision.

“As comedians, when people say ‘don’t cross the line’, we like to respond ‘there’s a line?,'” said Stewart, “but we know darn well there’s a line. There are just some things you don’t say in public. Even if those things are true. Like the fact that it’s been decades and so far no one has figured out that I’m actually Rush Limbaugh. But I’d never say that out loud because, even though it’s true, I’d lose my entire audience if they ever found out. My career would be over. This interview’s off the record, right?”

During a post-firing televised press conference, a subdued and apologetic Colbert tried to make belated amends to his fans.

“I admit that it was wildly inappropriate to say what I said, and until it was out of my mouth, I didn’t realize how offensive it was. I thought people would just giggle awkwardly and let it go. I was wrong. And I would like to formally apologize for saying ‘maybe Trump’s not such a bad guy after all.'”

The final remark brought a slew of hurled tomatoes, lettuce heads, and tofu burgers before Colbert was hurried offstage and whisked away to an undisclosed locations.

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Trump Destroys Real Estate Buyers’ Market

The current American real estate situation, as it exists in the heads of people who don’t understand how real estate markets work.

NEW YORK (AP) – With demand for new homes skyrocketing, the housing market that for so long favored the home buyer is rapidly falling apart, and most analysts say the blame lies squarely with America’s new President, Donald Trump.

MSNBC’s Chris Matthews, who once bought a house, explained why Trump’s presidency is already a disaster for innocent victims of the real estate game:

“Under Obama, life was great for everyone. People were moving into apartments, their parents’ basements, or just going homeless,” said Matthews, shaking his fist at a picture of Donald Trump taped to a dartboard. “Sure, they couldn’t afford their mortgage, which was probably underwater anyway, but you could buy a house for a song, assuming you had a job and enough left over after your Obamacare premium payment. But now, businesses are booming, people are working, people want stuff, people can AFFORD stuff… naturally this so-called prosperity will only punish women and minorities. Which will probably make that Nazi, Steve Bannon, happy.”

Concurring with Matthews’s insights, his fellow MSNBC-ite and rising progressive star Rachel Maddow added “Trump is an epic disaster. The worst thing to ever happen to this country. Fully half the housing market is now at a disadvantage to the other half. And it’s exactly the opposite of the half that was disadvantaged during Obama’s administration, which should tell you how ill-considered – if not downright racist – Trump’s economic policies are. And now, whether you’re an illegal immigrant or just a former Gitmo detainee looking for a little place with a nice kitchen for cooking bomb-belt explosives, you won’t be able to afford anything on the market anymore. How unfair is that?”

Lou Dobbs, from Fox Business, opposed Maddow’s analysis and defended Trump.

“Technically, it’s always going to be either a buyer’s market or a seller’s market,” explained Dobbs, “with the latter being indicative of economic growth and prosperity. In this case, a prosperity that spread beyond just the real estate sector. Even idiot-lefty capitalism-bashers got sprinkled with good fortune. Heck, I heard Maddow herself actually added a third viewer this year, so what’s she so grouchy about?”

Although Ms. Maddow was unavailable by telephone for official comment, the last 20 items on her Twitter feed consisted solely of emojis making obscene gestures “@LouDobbs”.

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North Korea Threatens War After Trump Calls Kim Jong Un a “Chubby, Asian, George McFly”

Trump: “I’m just surprised the crazy fat kid got the reference”

PYONGYANG (AP) – President Donald Trump may have inadvertently edged the planet one step closer to a nuclear apocalypse today, after he took to Twitter to insult North Korea’s ruler Kim Jong Un, who threatened to take the 140 character insult as an excuse to threaten to “unleash hell” on the United States in retaliation.

Tweeted Trump: “Kim Jong tries to launch missile. Kills fish instead. Bungler. Incompetent. Ridiculous haircut. Looks like chubby Asian George McFly #Ronery”

Un immediately responded with “Oh yeah? You look like Biff Turtle-Waxing George’s car, dead-squirrel-head #ImRubberYoureGlue”, although his retort received less than 10 likes, all from Twitter accounts that were named some anagram of Kim Jong Un like Junking Om and No Jug Mink.

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer criticized Trump for “unbalancing stability in the region” by being “unnecessarily provocative”.

“This is exactly the kind of thing Hitler did,” said Schumer. “In August of 1939, he kept sending telegrams about polacks changing light bulbs. Crude, short-form jibes have always been the favorite tool of facist oppressors like Trump and Hitler.”

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Trump Declared Worst Hitler Ever

Whoa, Donald! Do you even know what the thumbs up gesture means in German? You stink at being Hitler!

WASHINGTON D.C. (AP) – After the failure of the Republican-controlled Congress to pass a bill to repeal and replace Obamacare, a growing number of news agencies are publicly questioning whether President Trump is too incompetent to be a 21st century version of a 20th century fascist dictator.

CNN’s Michael D’Antonio expressed his dismay at recent developments.

“America has faced a lot of Hitlers – Bush, Reagan, Other Bush, Nixon, that one German guy whose name eludes me at the moment – but none of them has been as grossly incompetent at Hitlering as President Trump.”

The New York Times’ Nicholas Kristoff echoed those sentiments.

“He’s had 10 weeks! Where are the purges? The cattle cars? The Reichstag fires? He hasn’t even grown a mustache yet. What kind of Hitler is he? An incompetent one, that’s what. Hitler? Heck, he’s barely even Mussolini.”

The Washington Post’s Dana Milbank summed up the feelings shared by many on the left.

“It’s been a long 8 years. I mean, who have we had to freak out about? Mitt Romney? He wouldn’t even swear if you dropped a bowling ball on his foot. Worst Hitler Ever. I mean, he was mean to a dog once, but it wasn’t even Jewish. My colleagues and I were thrilled when Trump won. For the first time in 8 years, both SNL skits and the Tonight Show monologues are funny again. Plus we figured we’d get famous protesting outside Trump’s inevitable racist death camps.”

“But Trump’s an even worse Hitler than Romney was,” lamented Milbank. “No brownshirts, no Kristallnacht… ripping on Trump feels almost pointless. Like kicking a puppy for not mastering calculus. Yeah, he’s got a combover like Hitler, but if bad hair were enough, we’d be on Merkel for having LimeCat head. At least Merkel’s German.”

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Trump Poses Huge New Threat to 2nd Amendment Rights, Says Gun Shop Owner

President Trump has already taken this gun. Don't let him take yours!

President Trump has already taken this gun. Don’t let him take yours!

NEWARK (AP) – While President Trump ran on a classic Republican pro-gun platform and even received an endorsement from the NRA, one New Jersey gun shop owner insists that Trump poses an even bigger threat to Americans’ 2nd Amendment rights than former President Obama did.

Rocky Durango, owner of the Home, Land, Security Gun Store said that American citizens should not become complacent about President Trump’s position on the right to keep and bear arms.

“Have you ever heard him say ‘The Second Amendment of our Bill of Rights is my Concealed Weapons Permit, period,’ asked Durango. “Maybe the gist of it, but never in so many words. And maybe nobody has ever said all those words in that order before. Now maybe that’s not a reflection on Trump’s willingness to preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution, but maybe it is.”

“And can you really take that chance? Wouldn’t it just be better for everyone – citizens, gun owners, AND gun sellers – if more people reacted to this possibly HUGE threat to their 2nd Amendment rights by buying a gun? Or more than one gun. Maybe even as a gift? Or for Easter, even though it’s not a traditional gift-giving holiday. And maybe a few boxes of ammo? And do you have a scope? We’re having a sale on scopes this week. So if you need a scope – or ammo, or a gun – stop on by and see me at Home, Land, Security. Get an extra 10% off if you mention this interview.”

“It’s funny,” continued Durango, “I did a lot of interviews while Obama was President. Never had to offer discounts to get people to come in afterward, though. I wish the guys on my payroll could sell guns like Obama could.”

“Anyway,” Durango concluded, “Trump hates the 2nd Amendment. You should be worried. And buy a gun. Please buy a gun. Man, I shouldn’t have bought that tricked-out Escalade. I really thought Hillary was going to win.”

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Trump Finds Original Obama Birth Certificate

Trump: His real name's Obamanov. He's so Russkie he makes Vladimir Putin look like Lee Greenwood.

Trump: His real name’s Obamanov. He’s so Russkie he makes Vladimir Putin look like Lee Greenwood.

WASHINGTON D.C. (AP) – With former President Obama already reeling from accusations by President Trump that the Obama administration illegally tapped the phones in Trump Tower, President Trump unleashed more shocking news by announcing that he has come across an original copy of Obama’s birth certificate.

After spending years as a “birther” and constantly questioning the authenticity of the long-form birth certificate released by President Obama in 2011 Donald Trump put the issue to rest in 2016 when he said “President Barack Obama was born in the United States, period.”

Now, however, he has – with the assistance of Barack Obama’s half-brother Malik Obama – released a birth certificate of his own which Trump claims “will put the birth question to rest once and for all”.

“I’m a big, important, amazing man – big enough to admit when I’m wrong,” said Trump, “and boy was I wrong about Barack Obama being a natural-born citizen of the US. Let me tell you. But he’s not even from Kenya like everyone – and I mean everyone – keeps saying about him. Well, turns out he was born a citizen of the Soviet Union. That’s right, he’s Russian, like Vladimir Lenin, Joseph Stalin, or Ivan Drago.”

“Not just a Russian,” Trump continued, “but this was 1961 when he was born, so he was a dirty, commie, Soviet Russian. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Except for being a dirty commie. But now we have to wonder was he a hacker, too? Was Obama a Russian hacker? I don’t know, his birth certificate doesn’t say. But I’ve personally seen Obama, who is black, typing on a laptop like the black guy in Die Hard. Who was definitely a hacker. Coincidence? I don’t know. I don’t know.”

“And I don’t want to drag Obama’s kids into this,” continued Trump, “but he DID name his daughter Natasha, like a dirty commie would. He never had a son, but if he did, he would’ve been named Boris.”

“I don’t think Obama likes moose OR squirrels either,” Trump concluded, “but I don’t know for sure. His birth certificate doesn’t say.”

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Press Unable to Explain Why Trump Coverage Is 12% Positive

"As this chart clearly shows, I could hand out hundred dollar bills will kissing a baby and shooting a terrorist, and I'd STILL never hit 12%."

As this chart clearly shows, I could hand out hundred dollar bills while kissing a baby and shooting a terrorist, and I’d STILL never hit 12%.

WASHINGTON D.C. (AP) – American media outlets say they are completely at a loss to explain the results of a new study which shows that coverage of President Trump’s administration has been 88% negative.

MSNBC’s Chris Matthews was “shocked” by the report, saying “those numbers must be fake news because they don’t make any sense”.

“The nicest thing I’ve said about Trump in the last 6 weeks is that he’s done more than anyone save General Jack D. Ripper to bring about a global nuclear apocalypse. I hope that wasn’t counted toward the 12%.”

CNN’s Wolf Blitzer was equally taken aback. “We’ve provided more even-handed coverage of Trump than we have of any other story. We spend equal time reporting stories about him regardless of whether they are unflattering or extremely unflattering. Granted, it’s mostly the latter, yet I’d never go so far as to call our pieces ‘positive’. I question the methodology on this study. And the timing. And its vulnerability to Hillary-hating hackers who have impurified the precious bodily fluids of Jeff Sessions. The 12% must be fake news from Fox”

Fox News’s Tucker Carlson denied the accusation.

“Wasn’t us,” Carlson said. “Mostly here at Fox we just report on how the froth-mouthed liberals are spewing Trump-Hitler this, and racist-oppression that, and trying to say any uptick in the stock market is the result of Obama’s policies finally working because Republicans aren’t opposing him anymore. You know… goofy stuff like that. We put a laugh-track behind it and BOOM! We’re pulling 12.9 on the Nielsens because this hyperventilating hyperbole is comedy gold. But I don’t think that’s technically ‘positive’ reporting. If cheesy laugh tracks made things factual, ‘The Big Bang Theory‘ would get a Nobel Prize in physics.”

While nobody admitted to being responsible for the 12% positive Trump coverage, leaving the mystery unsolved, Google announced that Twitter is now considered a “news source”, with 12% of the traffic it generates originating from @realDonaldTrump.

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Obama Presidential Library Project Plagued with Rising Costs

The Obama Presidential Library will be easy to find thanks to innovative architectural features like its roof containing 2000 feet of putting green

The Obama Presidential Library will be easy to find thanks to innovative architectural features like its roof containing 2000 feet of putting green

CHICAGO (AP) – Struggling for funds, the Barack Obama Presidential Center in Chicago could require a $1.5 billion endowment, its architects say.

Husband-and-wife architectural team Tod Williams and Billie Tsien noted that it will be difficult to raise such a huge sum.

“Normally,” said Williams, “presidents do a little fundraising for their libraries while still in office. Obama never did. He was always like ‘Sorry, dude, I got a tee time’. Still, I think we’ll eventually find a way to get the cash. Nobody has to pay protection money to the Clintons anymore. What else are they going to do with it?”

Tsien noted some of the library’s many amazing features which contribute to its 10-figure price tag.

“This Presidential Library isn’t just some gaudy showpiece of ego-stroking, but rather a monument to President Obama’s great legacy, and even though the price tag is enough to buy the presidency itself – unless you’re Hillary – it is all necessary to fully honor its namesake.”

“For example,” continued Tsien, “every one of its 127 rooms will have a basket of phones and pens, all available free to anyone who wants them. Also, like a regular library, you can check books out if you have a library card. Which everyone will have, because they’re mandatory.
Now, there won’t be a fine for books that are returned late, but there will be one for not having a card.”

“That’s just for starters. There’s also free wi-fi, free arugula, free college, free rooftop golf lessons, free ceremonial job-ready shovels… you name it, he’s giving it away for free. Now we just need someone else’s money to pay for it all.”

Asked to comment on the uncertain financial future of his Presidential library, former President Obama declined to comment, saying “Sorry, dude, I got a tee time.”

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CNN, MSNBC, WaPo, NYTimes Vote to Impeach Trump

WASHINGTON D.C. (AP) – In a suprise move, all of the major cable news networks except Fox News and a strong majority of the nation’s daily newspapers – including the Washington Post and New York Times – have voted to impeach President Donald J. Trump.

"You... in the back... the homeless guy who just wandered in off the street... ask me a question

“You… in the back… the homeless guy who just wandered in off the street… ask me a question”

MSNBC’s Chris Matthews hailed the vote as “a victory for the little guy, a victory for common sense.”

“Trump waves his money around like he’s king of the world,” said Matthews. “but he’s actually like that French king Marty Antoinette. Now, Trump’s not getting the electric chair like Marty did, but we’re still kicking him out of office.”

CNN’s Wolf Blitzer was equally thrilled by the vote’s outcome.

“Well, I actually voted to impeach Bush, but apparently my vote didn’t count because he’s not President anymore. I’ve never felt so disenfranchised. Still, after all of Trump’s hate crimes and hate speech and hate pizza ordering, it’s about time America got some justice.”

The New York Times did not return inquiring phone calls, as the entire editorial staff was embroiled in a violent civil war over whether the headline should be “Trump Bumped” or “Trump Dumped”.

When asked why Trump was being impeached, the Washington Post’s Erik Wemple made a kissed-a-lemon face and explained “Did you SEE him at his press conference with Trudeau? He called on some stupid blogger instead of one of the REAL reporters from a fair and objective news organization, like the ones that voted to impeach him.”

Fox’s Tucker Carlson had a different explanation.

“You DO know that actual impeachment is when the House of Representatives votes on charges of high crimes and misdemeanors as provided for in the Constitution, right? What Wolf and his buddies did matters less than Hillary’s popular vote total. I think they were just desperate for the chance to write a story that didn’t involve quoting a Trump tweet.”

Which they may have to do anyway, as Mr. Trump recently posted “Media impeachment? Not actually a thing. #polidiots”, which hashtag is now #1 in “trending”.

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Court Rules Obama Must Tear Down Wall Around House

"Gonna tear down that wall like a Pink Floyd Concert"

“Gonna tear down that wall like a Pink Floyd Concert

WASHINGTON D.C. (AP) – Citing the 9th Circuit Court’s ruling that President Trump’s temporary Muslim travel ban was unconstitutional, the DC Court of Appeals ruled that former President Obama’s new house on the fashionable west side of Washington DC must tear down its outside perimeter security wall.

In his opinion, Judge Robert L. Wilkins explained the wall’s impermissibility.

“While Mr. Obama certainly has a right to feel safe in his own house on his own property,” said Wilkins, “under the Equal Protection Clause, he has no right to deny anyone else – regardless of race, creed, color, national origin, or sexual preference – that same right to also feel safe in his house. A wall is like a Safety Nazi wagging his finger and saying ‘no safety for you!‘. That is not what America’s constitution is all about.”

In his dissent, Judge A. Raymond Randolph argued that the President’s safety should take precedence, pointing out that “we spend millions on Secret Service agents to keep this putz alive. We can’t let people into without the extremest of vetting, or at least a sizable donation to the DNC.”

Judge Wilkins, writing for the majority of the 5-judge panel, dismissed that argument out of hand.

“There is no evidence that anyone has ever actually tried to kill or even harm President Obama,” Wilkins wrote. “The only conclusion we can draw from this fact is that no one ever will. Therefore it would be a gross violation of civil rights to assign the guilt of malicious intent to people who have committed no crime or voted for Donald Trump. This nation believes in the bedrock principle of ‘innocent until proven guilty or Republican.'”

Former President Obama declined to comment on the situation, but a senior staff member said two words on condition of anonymity:

“‘Gator moat.”

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Queen Marks 65 Years As British Monarch With 41-Gun Salute, Replacement Parrot

I don't like spam!

I don’t like spam!

LONDON (AP) – Beloved British Monarch Elizabeth II marked the 65th anniversary of her ascension to the throne with The King’s Troop Royal Horse Artillery taking part in a ceremony to fire a 41-gun salute. Afterward, the Queen spent the rest of the day haggling with a shopkeeper in an attempt to get back the money she recently spent purchasing a Norwegian Blue parrot.

“Her Royal Majesty was greatly disappointed by the service received at the pet shop,” said Buckingham Palace spokesman Dinsdale Piranha. “Apparently they’d merely nailed a dead bird to the perch and told the Queen that it was ‘resting.’ Obviously she didn’t believe a word of it, and tried explaining that the poor fellow had several medical conditions that even the NHS couldn’t fix, like being passed on, expired, gone to meet his maker, bereft of life, resting in peace, pushing up daisies, off the twig, kicked the bucket, shuffled off his mortal coil, run down the curtain, and joined the choir invisible. Yet the owner denied that it was an ex-parrot.”

Disappointed, but determined to remain upbeat, Queen Elizabeth sought to comfort herself with some cheesy comestibles, but was again let down.

“Not only was the Camembert very runny, the cat had eaten it,” said Piranha. “In fact, the Queen couldn’t talk Mr. Wensleydale into selling her ANY cheese. She considered shooting him, but decided against it as being a senseless waste of human life. Instead, she considered the possibility that there was a miscommunication on her part.”

“Even as we speak, her driver is taking her across town to enroll in an Argument Clinic, and possibly Being Hit on the Head Lessons to keep that pesky crown from falling off.”

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California Bans Incoming Travel by Citizens of Red States

Red Staters! There has been too much violence, too much pain. None here are without sin, but I have an honorable compromise. Just walk away, and I will spare your lives. Just walk away. I will give you safe passage in the wasteland. Just walk away and there will be an end to the horror.

Red Staters! There has been too much violence, too much pain. None here are without sin, but I have an honorable compromise. Just walk away, and I will spare your lives. Just walk away. I will give you safe passage in the wasteland. Just walk away and there will be an end to the horror.

SACRAMENTO (AP) – Inspired by President Donald Trump’s temporary ban on travel by citizens of several majority-Muslim countries, California Governor Jerry “Moonbeam” Brown signed legislation banning travel into California from citizens of majority-conservative US states.

“These Red Staters are a threat to our way of life,” said Brown. “we are a society of open minds, tolerant hearts, and bankrupt county governments. We don’t need their kind coming in and forcing their hate speech and fiscal responsibility down our throats.”

“Obviously,” continued Brown, “all residents of blue states are still welcome to come and go as they please. We welcome you regardless of race, religion, national origin, sexual preference, or immigration status, as long as you buy some touristy garbage that has sales tax on it. But all those straight white Christian people who’ve never made a video with friends where you splice in clips of you saying the same word the last person just said – we don’t want you. Try North Virginia or West Dakota or one of those stupid places where clingy, religiony, gun people hang out.”

The move seemed popular among most residents, although no polling has actually been done due to the chaos from anti-Trump rallies that have left many parts of the state as MadMaxian wastelands of fire and modified dune buggies. However, a masked, molotov-toting passerby was willing to go on record anonymously as supporting the new law as a way of “giving those Trumplorables what they deserve”.

“I heard Trump once tweeted a quote from a website that published an article that had a link to another website that featured an ad that used the word “Jew”. And Trump isn’t Jewish, so that’s either cultural appropriation or antisemitism, but definitely racism. Which I’m against. I’m not Jewish though. Wait… is that offensive? Can we start over?”

A question that the growing California secession movement asks residents every day.

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