Trump Poses Huge New Threat to 2nd Amendment Rights, Says Gun Shop Owner

President Trump has already taken this gun. Don't let him take yours!

President Trump has already taken this gun. Don’t let him take yours!

NEWARK (AP) – While President Trump ran on a classic Republican pro-gun platform and even received an endorsement from the NRA, one New Jersey gun shop owner insists that Trump poses an even bigger threat to Americans’ 2nd Amendment rights than former President Obama did.

Rocky Durango, owner of the Home, Land, Security Gun Store said that American citizens should not become complacent about President Trump’s position on the right to keep and bear arms.

“Have you ever heard him say ‘The Second Amendment of our Bill of Rights is my Concealed Weapons Permit, period,’ asked Durango. “Maybe the gist of it, but never in so many words. And maybe nobody has ever said all those words in that order before. Now maybe that’s not a reflection on Trump’s willingness to preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution, but maybe it is.”

“And can you really take that chance? Wouldn’t it just be better for everyone – citizens, gun owners, AND gun sellers – if more people reacted to this possibly HUGE threat to their 2nd Amendment rights by buying a gun? Or more than one gun. Maybe even as a gift? Or for Easter, even though it’s not a traditional gift-giving holiday. And maybe a few boxes of ammo? And do you have a scope? We’re having a sale on scopes this week. So if you need a scope – or ammo, or a gun – stop on by and see me at Home, Land, Security. Get an extra 10% off if you mention this interview.”

“It’s funny,” continued Durango, “I did a lot of interviews while Obama was President. Never had to offer discounts to get people to come in afterward, though. I wish the guys on my payroll could sell guns like Obama could.”

“Anyway,” Durango concluded, “Trump hates the 2nd Amendment. You should be worried. And buy a gun. Please buy a gun. Man, I shouldn’t have bought that tricked-out Escalade. I really thought Hillary was going to win.”

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Trump Finds Original Obama Birth Certificate

Trump: His real name's Obamanov. He's so Russkie he makes Vladimir Putin look like Lee Greenwood.

Trump: His real name’s Obamanov. He’s so Russkie he makes Vladimir Putin look like Lee Greenwood.

WASHINGTON D.C. (AP) – With former President Obama already reeling from accusations by President Trump that the Obama administration illegally tapped the phones in Trump Tower, President Trump unleashed more shocking news by announcing that he has come across an original copy of Obama’s birth certificate.

After spending years as a “birther” and constantly questioning the authenticity of the long-form birth certificate released by President Obama in 2011 Donald Trump put the issue to rest in 2016 when he said “President Barack Obama was born in the United States, period.”

Now, however, he has – with the assistance of Barack Obama’s half-brother Malik Obama – released a birth certificate of his own which Trump claims “will put the birth question to rest once and for all”.

“I’m a big, important, amazing man – big enough to admit when I’m wrong,” said Trump, “and boy was I wrong about Barack Obama being a natural-born citizen of the US. Let me tell you. But he’s not even from Kenya like everyone – and I mean everyone – keeps saying about him. Well, turns out he was born a citizen of the Soviet Union. That’s right, he’s Russian, like Vladimir Lenin, Joseph Stalin, or Ivan Drago.”

“Not just a Russian,” Trump continued, “but this was 1961 when he was born, so he was a dirty, commie, Soviet Russian. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Except for being a dirty commie. But now we have to wonder was he a hacker, too? Was Obama a Russian hacker? I don’t know, his birth certificate doesn’t say. But I’ve personally seen Obama, who is black, typing on a laptop like the black guy in Die Hard. Who was definitely a hacker. Coincidence? I don’t know. I don’t know.”

“And I don’t want to drag Obama’s kids into this,” continued Trump, “but he DID name his daughter Natasha, like a dirty commie would. He never had a son, but if he did, he would’ve been named Boris.”

“I don’t think Obama likes moose OR squirrels either,” Trump concluded, “but I don’t know for sure. His birth certificate doesn’t say.”

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Press Unable to Explain Why Trump Coverage Is 12% Positive

"As this chart clearly shows, I could hand out hundred dollar bills will kissing a baby and shooting a terrorist, and I'd STILL never hit 12%."

As this chart clearly shows, I could hand out hundred dollar bills while kissing a baby and shooting a terrorist, and I’d STILL never hit 12%.

WASHINGTON D.C. (AP) – American media outlets say they are completely at a loss to explain the results of a new study which shows that coverage of President Trump’s administration has been 88% negative.

MSNBC’s Chris Matthews was “shocked” by the report, saying “those numbers must be fake news because they don’t make any sense”.

“The nicest thing I’ve said about Trump in the last 6 weeks is that he’s done more than anyone save General Jack D. Ripper to bring about a global nuclear apocalypse. I hope that wasn’t counted toward the 12%.”

CNN’s Wolf Blitzer was equally taken aback. “We’ve provided more even-handed coverage of Trump than we have of any other story. We spend equal time reporting stories about him regardless of whether they are unflattering or extremely unflattering. Granted, it’s mostly the latter, yet I’d never go so far as to call our pieces ‘positive’. I question the methodology on this study. And the timing. And its vulnerability to Hillary-hating hackers who have impurified the precious bodily fluids of Jeff Sessions. The 12% must be fake news from Fox”

Fox News’s Tucker Carlson denied the accusation.

“Wasn’t us,” Carlson said. “Mostly here at Fox we just report on how the froth-mouthed liberals are spewing Trump-Hitler this, and racist-oppression that, and trying to say any uptick in the stock market is the result of Obama’s policies finally working because Republicans aren’t opposing him anymore. You know… goofy stuff like that. We put a laugh-track behind it and BOOM! We’re pulling 12.9 on the Nielsens because this hyperventilating hyperbole is comedy gold. But I don’t think that’s technically ‘positive’ reporting. If cheesy laugh tracks made things factual, ‘The Big Bang Theory‘ would get a Nobel Prize in physics.”

While nobody admitted to being responsible for the 12% positive Trump coverage, leaving the mystery unsolved, Google announced that Twitter is now considered a “news source”, with 12% of the traffic it generates originating from @realDonaldTrump.

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Obama Presidential Library Project Plagued with Rising Costs

The Obama Presidential Library will be easy to find thanks to innovative architectural features like its roof containing 2000 feet of putting green

The Obama Presidential Library will be easy to find thanks to innovative architectural features like its roof containing 2000 feet of putting green

CHICAGO (AP) – Struggling for funds, the Barack Obama Presidential Center in Chicago could require a $1.5 billion endowment, its architects say.

Husband-and-wife architectural team Tod Williams and Billie Tsien noted that it will be difficult to raise such a huge sum.

“Normally,” said Williams, “presidents do a little fundraising for their libraries while still in office. Obama never did. He was always like ‘Sorry, dude, I got a tee time’. Still, I think we’ll eventually find a way to get the cash. Nobody has to pay protection money to the Clintons anymore. What else are they going to do with it?”

Tsien noted some of the library’s many amazing features which contribute to its 10-figure price tag.

“This Presidential Library isn’t just some gaudy showpiece of ego-stroking, but rather a monument to President Obama’s great legacy, and even though the price tag is enough to buy the presidency itself – unless you’re Hillary – it is all necessary to fully honor its namesake.”

“For example,” continued Tsien, “every one of its 127 rooms will have a basket of phones and pens, all available free to anyone who wants them. Also, like a regular library, you can check books out if you have a library card. Which everyone will have, because they’re mandatory.
Now, there won’t be a fine for books that are returned late, but there will be one for not having a card.”

“That’s just for starters. There’s also free wi-fi, free arugula, free college, free rooftop golf lessons, free ceremonial job-ready shovels… you name it, he’s giving it away for free. Now we just need someone else’s money to pay for it all.”

Asked to comment on the uncertain financial future of his Presidential library, former President Obama declined to comment, saying “Sorry, dude, I got a tee time.”

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CNN, MSNBC, WaPo, NYTimes Vote to Impeach Trump

WASHINGTON D.C. (AP) – In a suprise move, all of the major cable news networks except Fox News and a strong majority of the nation’s daily newspapers – including the Washington Post and New York Times – have voted to impeach President Donald J. Trump.

"You... in the back... the homeless guy who just wandered in off the street... ask me a question

“You… in the back… the homeless guy who just wandered in off the street… ask me a question”

MSNBC’s Chris Matthews hailed the vote as “a victory for the little guy, a victory for common sense.”

“Trump waves his money around like he’s king of the world,” said Matthews. “but he’s actually like that French king Marty Antoinette. Now, Trump’s not getting the electric chair like Marty did, but we’re still kicking him out of office.”

CNN’s Wolf Blitzer was equally thrilled by the vote’s outcome.

“Well, I actually voted to impeach Bush, but apparently my vote didn’t count because he’s not President anymore. I’ve never felt so disenfranchised. Still, after all of Trump’s hate crimes and hate speech and hate pizza ordering, it’s about time America got some justice.”

The New York Times did not return inquiring phone calls, as the entire editorial staff was embroiled in a violent civil war over whether the headline should be “Trump Bumped” or “Trump Dumped”.

When asked why Trump was being impeached, the Washington Post’s Erik Wemple made a kissed-a-lemon face and explained “Did you SEE him at his press conference with Trudeau? He called on some stupid blogger instead of one of the REAL reporters from a fair and objective news organization, like the ones that voted to impeach him.”

Fox’s Tucker Carlson had a different explanation.

“You DO know that actual impeachment is when the House of Representatives votes on charges of high crimes and misdemeanors as provided for in the Constitution, right? What Wolf and his buddies did matters less than Hillary’s popular vote total. I think they were just desperate for the chance to write a story that didn’t involve quoting a Trump tweet.”

Which they may have to do anyway, as Mr. Trump recently posted “Media impeachment? Not actually a thing. #polidiots”, which hashtag is now #1 in “trending”.

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Court Rules Obama Must Tear Down Wall Around House

"Gonna tear down that wall like a Pink Floyd Concert"

“Gonna tear down that wall like a Pink Floyd Concert

WASHINGTON D.C. (AP) – Citing the 9th Circuit Court’s ruling that President Trump’s temporary Muslim travel ban was unconstitutional, the DC Court of Appeals ruled that former President Obama’s new house on the fashionable west side of Washington DC must tear down its outside perimeter security wall.

In his opinion, Judge Robert L. Wilkins explained the wall’s impermissibility.

“While Mr. Obama certainly has a right to feel safe in his own house on his own property,” said Wilkins, “under the Equal Protection Clause, he has no right to deny anyone else – regardless of race, creed, color, national origin, or sexual preference – that same right to also feel safe in his house. A wall is like a Safety Nazi wagging his finger and saying ‘no safety for you!‘. That is not what America’s constitution is all about.”

In his dissent, Judge A. Raymond Randolph argued that the President’s safety should take precedence, pointing out that “we spend millions on Secret Service agents to keep this putz alive. We can’t let people into without the extremest of vetting, or at least a sizable donation to the DNC.”

Judge Wilkins, writing for the majority of the 5-judge panel, dismissed that argument out of hand.

“There is no evidence that anyone has ever actually tried to kill or even harm President Obama,” Wilkins wrote. “The only conclusion we can draw from this fact is that no one ever will. Therefore it would be a gross violation of civil rights to assign the guilt of malicious intent to people who have committed no crime or voted for Donald Trump. This nation believes in the bedrock principle of ‘innocent until proven guilty or Republican.'”

Former President Obama declined to comment on the situation, but a senior staff member said two words on condition of anonymity:

“‘Gator moat.”

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Queen Marks 65 Years As British Monarch With 41-Gun Salute, Replacement Parrot

I don't like spam!

I don’t like spam!


LONDON (AP) – Beloved British Monarch Elizabeth II marked the 65th anniversary of her ascension to the throne with The King’s Troop Royal Horse Artillery taking part in a ceremony to fire a 41-gun salute. Afterward, the Queen spent the rest of the day haggling with a shopkeeper in an attempt to get back the money she recently spent purchasing a Norwegian Blue parrot.

“Her Royal Majesty was greatly disappointed by the service received at the pet shop,” said Buckingham Palace spokesman Dinsdale Piranha. “Apparently they’d merely nailed a dead bird to the perch and told the Queen that it was ‘resting.’ Obviously she didn’t believe a word of it, and tried explaining that the poor fellow had several medical conditions that even the NHS couldn’t fix, like being passed on, expired, gone to meet his maker, bereft of life, resting in peace, pushing up daisies, off the twig, kicked the bucket, shuffled off his mortal coil, run down the curtain, and joined the choir invisible. Yet the owner denied that it was an ex-parrot.”

Disappointed, but determined to remain upbeat, Queen Elizabeth sought to comfort herself with some cheesy comestibles, but was again let down.

“Not only was the Camembert very runny, the cat had eaten it,” said Piranha. “In fact, the Queen couldn’t talk Mr. Wensleydale into selling her ANY cheese. She considered shooting him, but decided against it as being a senseless waste of human life. Instead, she considered the possibility that there was a miscommunication on her part.”

“Even as we speak, her driver is taking her across town to enroll in an Argument Clinic, and possibly Being Hit on the Head Lessons to keep that pesky crown from falling off.”

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California Bans Incoming Travel by Citizens of Red States

Red Staters! There has been too much violence, too much pain. None here are without sin, but I have an honorable compromise. Just walk away, and I will spare your lives. Just walk away. I will give you safe passage in the wasteland. Just walk away and there will be an end to the horror.

Red Staters! There has been too much violence, too much pain. None here are without sin, but I have an honorable compromise. Just walk away, and I will spare your lives. Just walk away. I will give you safe passage in the wasteland. Just walk away and there will be an end to the horror.

SACRAMENTO (AP) – Inspired by President Donald Trump’s temporary ban on travel by citizens of several majority-Muslim countries, California Governor Jerry “Moonbeam” Brown signed legislation banning travel into California from citizens of majority-conservative US states.

“These Red Staters are a threat to our way of life,” said Brown. “we are a society of open minds, tolerant hearts, and bankrupt county governments. We don’t need their kind coming in and forcing their hate speech and fiscal responsibility down our throats.”

“Obviously,” continued Brown, “all residents of blue states are still welcome to come and go as they please. We welcome you regardless of race, religion, national origin, sexual preference, or immigration status, as long as you buy some touristy garbage that has sales tax on it. But all those straight white Christian people who’ve never made a video with friends where you splice in clips of you saying the same word the last person just said – we don’t want you. Try North Virginia or West Dakota or one of those stupid places where clingy, religiony, gun people hang out.”

The move seemed popular among most residents, although no polling has actually been done due to the chaos from anti-Trump rallies that have left many parts of the state as MadMaxian wastelands of fire and modified dune buggies. However, a masked, molotov-toting passerby was willing to go on record anonymously as supporting the new law as a way of “giving those Trumplorables what they deserve”.

“I heard Trump once tweeted a quote from a website that published an article that had a link to another website that featured an ad that used the word “Jew”. And Trump isn’t Jewish, so that’s either cultural appropriation or antisemitism, but definitely racism. Which I’m against. I’m not Jewish though. Wait… is that offensive? Can we start over?”

A question that the growing California secession movement asks residents every day.

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Judge Rules Celebrities Must Perform at Trump Inauguration

Forced to MC for Trump's inauguration, Jon Stewart struggles to come up with a joke that doesn't make a Hitler reference.

Forced to MC at Trump’s inauguration, Jon Stewart struggles to come up with a joke that doesn’t include a Hitler reference.

WASHINGTON (AP) – Despite a large and growing movement of liberal politicians and celebrities banding together to boycott President-Elect Donald Trump’s inauguration, a federal judge has ruled that Mr. Trump has a legal right to force them to attend.

While a large number of talented musicians such as 3 Doors Down, Toby Keith, The Piano Guys, and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir have agreed to perform at the event, several nominally famous performers have turned down Mr. Trump’s request for their presence.

However, based on the ruling in Cryer v. Klein, in which the Sweet Cakes bakery was fined for not baking a wedding cake for a same-sex couple, the United States District Court for the District of Columbia declared that no purveyor of services may deny those services to any potential customer willing to pay the standard market rate for those services. The court ruled that, such being the case, Mr. Trump has the legal right to compel both attendance and performance by any and all musical acts to whom he had previously extended an invitation.

A visibly-gloating Donald Trump held a press conference to announce some of the last-minute additions to his event’s entertainment lineup.

“That’s right! Haters gonna hate, but they’re also gonna show up and sing for me,” said Trump. “Bette Midler, Elton John, Miley Cyrus, Shakira, Harry Belafonte… they all turned me down. Probably because they’re all ashamed of how disgustingly untalented they are. Terrible performers. Nobody wants to hear them. But they’re playing. Bring earplugs.”

The President-Elect continued, listing some of the more recalcitrant among the newly-conscripted performers

Lady Gaga said my election ‘divided us so carelessly.’ Nope, it was deliberate. And I’m dividing you into the basket of losers who can’t say no to me.”

Snoop Dogg said any black musicians who played at my inauguration were ‘Uncle Toms’. Well guess what? Now that means you, too, Uncle Snoop. I kid, of course. I love whatever it is he does that he calls music.”

Babs, I ain’t forgetting about you. You say I’m “clueless, reckless, graceless, mindless, heartless”. But I’m not jobless. I’m playing the big show and I’ve got a four year run ahead of me. What’re you doing these days? You can’t even book a weekend at an old folks home in Poughkeepsie. Hashtag hasbeen.”

“And Cher… calls me a mentally-challenged fencepost and says she wants me thrown into a volcano. Just to show I don’t hold a grudge, you perform for me and I’ll make sure your Obamacare covers your Category 5 plastic surgery. THEN I’ll repeal Obamacare.”

“Finally,” concluded Trump, “the ruling doesn’t just cover entertainers. I can make anyone show up I want. I’m gonna have Obama stick around after the swearing in. Have him dress in a waiter costume and fetch me a coffee and a sweet roll. Maybe an original birth certificate, too. HA!”

[Inspiration Bacon to walruskkkch]

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Obama Releases Gitmo Detainees to Post-Presidency Mansion

Instead of being locked inside, misbehaving "guests" will be locked outside and left to fend for themselves "Purge" style.

Instead of being locked inside, misbehaving “guests” will be locked outside and left to fend for themselves “Purge” style.

WASHINGTON (AP) – In a last ditch effort to keep (after a fashion) his original campaign promise to empty the Guantanamo Bay Detention Facility in his first year, President Obama announced he will release the last of the Gitmo detainees to the grounds of the DC-area mansion where Obama plans to spend his post-presidential years with his family.

“My Republican critics,” said President Obama, “have been saying for years how ‘dangerous’ it was to release Gitmo detainees despite their very low 25% recidivism rate, completely ignoring that it means that 75% have NOT returned to blowing up innocent civilians. 75% is a huge number. Nearly Hillary’s popular vote total. I like those odds.”

“So I’m willing to put my money where my mouth is and share a safe space with the remaining Gitmo residents,” Obama continued, “transferring them to my humble bungalow/mansion. Together, we can create a world where nobody condemns your for your religion or questionable birth documentation.”

“But best of all,” Obama said cheerily, “this new environment will be a complete break from the horror of their current damned existence where they are surrounded by uniformed Americans wielding weapons of war while holding them captive behind barbed-wire fences. In our new home, they will be free – with the permission of defensively-armed Secret Service agents, all wearing suits, ties, and sunglasses – to roam anywhere within the fortified brick walls of the estate.”

New transferee Muhammed al Muhammed said he expects it to be the perfect chance to rehabilitate himself, post-incarceration.

“I’m hope to learn clock-making,” he said.

Soon-to-be-former First Lady Michelle Obama said Muhammed and his friends shouldn’t get their hopes up.

“Nuh uh. Get into my garden and start pulling weeds like a 4th grader.”

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Black Lives Matter Cancels Mexico Outsourcing; Will Hire More American Protesters

Expect a boom in the Grievance Redressage Petitioner industry under Trump.

Expect a boom in the Grievance Redressage Petitioner industry under Trump.

DETROIT (AP) – Hot on the heels of an announcement by Ford that they will close a plant in Mexico and create jobs here in America, the anti-police protest group Black Lives Matter announced that they, too, will be eschewing Mexico in favor of the US.

BLM spokesman DeRay McKesson, said that, unlike the Ford move, his organization had been planning this “reorganization” for some time.

“With the Clinton & Soros money drying up,” said McKesson, “I thought, you know, maybe we should do like the big corporations. They’re all moving to Mexico, labor’s cheap, it’s not much different than hittin’ the Home Depot parking lot to pick up a truckload of sign-wavers, right?”

“Man, bad move,” he continued. “Turns out that not only does Mexico not care if black men get shot by white cops, they don’t even HAVE white cops. Or black men. They thought I was a Jamaican tourist and kept trying to sell me bootleg Bob Marley CD’s”.

“Anyway,” added McKesson, “we’re gonna focus on the situation at home for a while. Maybe lay low until Trump gets inaugurated and then see if we can make looting great again once Whitey’s in charge.”

“Until then,” he concluded, “I guess it’s back to selling ‘Remember Ferguson’ rubber wristbands on Etsy.”

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Trump Reveals Christmas Letter From Putin

"Am annexing Santa's Workshop. Will now be called North Russia. Also, I will wrestle then eat heart of polar bear. Also, eat hearts of Santa elves."

Am annexing Santa’s Workshop. Will now be called North Russia. Also, I will wrestle then eat heart of polar bear. Also, eat hearts of Santa elves.

New York (AP) – On Friday, President-elect Donald Trump shared a Christmas letter he received from Russian President Vladimir Putin.

In a translation of the December 15 letter provided by the Trump team, Putin wrote that he hopes the US and Russia can act in a “constructive and pragmatic manner” to ensure the stability and security of the world.

“Putin like Trump,” read the letter, in part. “Is smart man. Not like President Reset. Also, wife not look like spaceship-flying bear from Star Wars. We can work together. Make world safe place. We share Ukraine. Your half can be 51st state. Or maybe trade your half for California. Too commie for you, anyway.”

In a statement, Trump called it “a very nice letter.”

“It’s much better than what I got from Obama,” said Trump. “Do you know what that guy gave me? Ipod full of him reading my mean tweets. I already have one of those. In my voice. I do it a lot better.”

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Russia’s Putin Praises Trump, Calls Democrats “Sore Losers”

Speaking at his annual news conference in Moscow, Russia’s President weighed in on the recent US Presidential election, with words of praise for the victor.

“I like Trump,” said Putin. “Good man. Can not handle his vodka, though. Baby tiny hands too small to grip glass. Cute, like watching infant baby bear try to drink out of bottle. But baby bear grow up, become fun to wrestle. Trump get bigger hands, maybe we wrestle, too.”

Is nice globe. Red part is Russia. Silver part is New Russia. US drawn on with dry erase. Will wipe off globe soon.

Is nice globe. Red part is Russia. Silver part is New Russia. US drawn on with dry erase. Will wipe off globe soon.

“Soon must make policy with baby-bear-hand man,” continued Putin. “Will revolve around nuclear weapons. Will be like good old days of Cold War, except Russia victorious. Baby hands too small to push launch button.”

“But I tease Trump,” laughed Putin. “Is worthy opponent. Except weak, like schoolgirl. Maybe should lift something heavier than hairbrush. Be more like Putin. Tie wolves to stick, lift over head. Repeat until not ashamed to take off shirt.”

After discussing the warm international relations he expected to have with Trump, his face darkened as he criticized Hillary and the Democrats.

“Do not get me wrong,” said Putin. “Am respecting Hillary. Is woman of sturdy hips, like good plowhorse. But always whining. Blaming others. Like Ukranians running from Russian tanks.

“All Democrats whine,” Putin continued. “Big sore losers everywhere. Blame Russians. Say we hack servers and emails and Wall Street and national security and everything. Not true. Also, emails boring. All fat Hillary yoga pictures.

“And launch codes?”, concluded Putin, “now 1-2-3-4-5, like idiot would have on luggage”.

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Obama Issues Executive Order Banning Climate from Changing

WASHINGTON D.C. (AP) – Following President Obama’s last-minute executive order banning all off-shore oil drilling, Mr. Obama issued a subsequent command that prohibits all climate change.

The edict – informally dubbed the Safe Temperatures All Year (STAY) Act – creates a government agency that monitors all global temperature levels and sends out an alert any time any temperature varies by 0.1 degrees Celsius.

“It was a stroke of genius on my part,” said Obama. “After I realized that I could bring oil production levels down to zero over an area of hundreds of thousands of square miles, I figured there was no reason I couldn’t the same for temperatures over the whole planet. I do have a pen and a phone, after all”.

The international temperature alert system created by the President will send a signal to a smartphone app that will notify the user of any fluctuation in temperature anywhere on the planet.

President Obama noted that usage of the app is currently voluntary, but “that may change”.

“My hope,” he continued “is that people will get sick of the BRAP! BRAP! BRAP! sound the app makes and then take action to keep our global environment from changing in dangerous ways. People can do amazing things if they put their minds to it.”

“But,” said Obama, “if they won’t listen, we’ll make the ObamAlarm App mandatory. I mean, if the choice is ‘go deaf’ or ‘fix the planet’, I think love for our Earth will win out”.

“Failing that,” concluded Obama, “there’ll be fines & jail time for deniers. That should settle the science.”

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In Stunning Upset, Electoral College Votes in Vladimir Putin

WASHINGTON (AP) – In a shocking result foreseen by no one, the Electoral College votes have been tabulated, and all 538 of them went to Russian President Vladimir Putin.

First act: Forget wall. Annex Mexico. Is like American Ukraine. We liberate.

First act: Forget wall. Annex Mexico. Is like American Ukraine. We liberate.

While members of the Electoral College are expected (and in some states, legally compelled) to vote for the candidate who won the popular vote in the state they represent, they are physically able to vote for anyone they want.

In this case, they unanimously voted for Putin.

Hillary Clinton, whose long-shot hope to flip 38 Trump electors failed miserably, demanded both a recount and her “Reset” button back.

Donald Trump, the formerly presumptive President-Elect, immediately took to Twitter to denounce the results.

“Looks like the work of Russian hackers interfering in our election. So Stopped-Clock Hillary was accidentally right once today” he tweeted.

A calm, yet visibly-pleased Vladimir Putin offered his thoughts on the unprecedented turn of events.

“Trump? He is good man, but not virile like Putin. Always wear shirt, like fat kid at beach. Also, he has soft, fluffy hair like shampoo commercial girl. Real man shave head. Also punch angry bear in face. But not at same time. Unless very, very virile like Putin. Better for America I run country. After I rip heart out of living tiger and eat on TV.”

When asked whether the constitutional requirement of US citizenship would be a bar to his taking office, Putin was at once dismissive and confident of overcoming that challenge.

“Is no problem. Like Obama, I once ate dog, so am qualified. OK, was wolf, but close enough for government work. Also, was two wolves.”

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