Forced to MC at Trump’s inauguration, Jon Stewart struggles to come up with a joke that doesn’t include a Hitler reference.
WASHINGTON (AP) – Despite a large and growing movement of liberal politicians and celebrities banding together to boycott President-Elect Donald Trump’s inauguration, a federal judge has ruled that Mr. Trump has a legal right to force them to attend.
While a large number of talented musicians such as 3 Doors Down, Toby Keith, The Piano Guys, and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir have agreed to perform at the event, several nominally famous performers have turned down Mr. Trump’s request for their presence.
However, based on the ruling in Cryer v. Klein, in which the Sweet Cakes bakery was fined for not baking a wedding cake for a same-sex couple, the United States District Court for the District of Columbia declared that no purveyor of services may deny those services to any potential customer willing to pay the standard market rate for those services. The court ruled that, such being the case, Mr. Trump has the legal right to compel both attendance and performance by any and all musical acts to whom he had previously extended an invitation.
A visibly-gloating Donald Trump held a press conference to announce some of the last-minute additions to his event’s entertainment lineup.
“That’s right! Haters gonna hate, but they’re also gonna show up and sing for me,” said Trump. “Bette Midler, Elton John, Miley Cyrus, Shakira, Harry Belafonte… they all turned me down. Probably because they’re all ashamed of how disgustingly untalented they are. Terrible performers. Nobody wants to hear them. But they’re playing. Bring earplugs.”
The President-Elect continued, listing some of the more recalcitrant among the newly-conscripted performers
“Lady Gaga said my election ‘divided us so carelessly.’ Nope, it was deliberate. And I’m dividing you into the basket of losers who can’t say no to me.”
“Snoop Dogg said any black musicians who played at my inauguration were ‘Uncle Toms’. Well guess what? Now that means you, too, Uncle Snoop. I kid, of course. I love whatever it is he does that he calls music.”
“Babs, I ain’t forgetting about you. You say I’m “clueless, reckless, graceless, mindless, heartless”. But I’m not jobless. I’m playing the big show and I’ve got a four year run ahead of me. What’re you doing these days? You can’t even book a weekend at an old folks home in Poughkeepsie. Hashtag hasbeen.”
“And Cher… calls me a mentally-challenged fencepost and says she wants me thrown into a volcano. Just to show I don’t hold a grudge, you perform for me and I’ll make sure your Obamacare covers your Category 5 plastic surgery. THEN I’ll repeal Obamacare.”
“Finally,” concluded Trump, “the ruling doesn’t just cover entertainers. I can make anyone show up I want. I’m gonna have Obama stick around after the swearing in. Have him dress in a waiter costume and fetch me a coffee and a sweet roll. Maybe an original birth certificate, too. HA!”
[Inspiration Bacon to walruskkkch]