The President’s Memeorial Day Speech

President Barack 0bama presided over the traditional Memorial Day services at Arlington National Cemetery earlier today, by thanking all of the Navy Corpsemen and other fallen members of our armed services present who had died protecting our nation from the scourge of Climate Change.

After solemnly laying a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Comic by mistake, the President delivered his Memorial Day Address to the assembled throng of military and media.

“Let me be clear,” the President said in his typical articulate, bright and clean manner, his trousers perfectly creased, “It is only because of the ultimate sacrifice of brave men and women like yourselves over the past four-hundred-some-odd years, who gave your lives raising awareness of ManBearPig across all fifty-seven states, that we have been able to keep the scourge of the pending Global Climate Catastrophe at bay. To those of you who have not been derelict in your duties, your efforts have been nothing short of… Error. Reset required. Press control-alt-delete to reboot system.

With that, the ceremony was abruptly ended and the President whisked away to a luxurious private golf course for the remainder of the day after grabbing some ice cream.

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Vehicle Control Advocates Say the Time is Now for Auto Bans

[Article cross-posted at Nuking Politics]

Washington, D.C. (NPN) – Activists rallied at the National Mall today to voice their concerns about the growing danger of vehicles in the hands of crazed drivers, particularly high capacity vehicles.

“I demand all high capacity cars be outlawed!” shouted Daniel Smith, an organizer for the vehicle control advocacy group Coalition to Stop Car Violence. The advocacy group was just one of many organizing the rally that brought an astounding thirty five people to Washington to have their voices heard.

Most vehicle control advocates are just focusing on high capacity vehicles, and the Obama Administration seems to be catering to their concerns. When asked about the President’s stance on the issue, White House press secretary Jay Carney said that the President feels the time has come to put strict limits on how many passengers can be loaded into a single automobile.

“The President is in agreement with the people on this matter.” said Carney. “What we’re looking at most are the really large and dangerous vehicles, such as buses. Too many people are being run over by buses year after year.”

When questioned about Obama’s use of buses, Carney replied: “It is the President’s opinion that high capacity vehicles, such as buses, should only be in the hands of highly trained government drivers.” When asked further about the President’s use of buses to dispose of political liabilities, Carney shouted “Look! Squirrel!” and stood motionless with his eyes closed until the press room emptied.

While the support to place limits on large vehicles capable of being loaded quickly seems to be growing, some are arguing that just banning high capacity vehicles simply isn’t enough and a few lawmakers in the House and the Senate seem to be hearing them loud and clear.

“I hear them loud and clear,” said Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA). “The time has come for common sense vehicle control, and not just high capacity vehicles like station wagons, vans, and buses, but also more dangerous vehicles.”

Senator Feinstein is leading the charge with a proposal that would have a sweeping effect on what will be allowed on the road…and on the sidewalk. Included in the draft of her bill is a complete ban of military assault style scooters, which are common in retirement areas.

“Buses are killing our children, and vans are kidnapping them.” said Feinstein. “But another issue that is overlooked are these dangerous scooters that are being foisted upon our senior citizens. These things can kill, and should only be allowed for police and military use.”

Not all groups feel that there needs to be vehicle control. Steven Oppy, president of the Monster Trucks, Guns, And Beer Association told us: “These people keep going on about common sense, but they’re not making any sense at all. It’s not big vehicles that kill people, it’s lousy drivers. I mean, have you ever driven in Detroit? Those people are crazy.”

Oppy and his group suggest an alternative to vehicle control: not allowing idiots on the road. “Really, that’s all we need to do to cut down on accidents.” said Oppy. “Send all of the idiots to California and then build a wall.”

But the Vice President, an Idiot-American himself, couldn’t disagree with that sentiment more. While giving a speech at a luncheon for the Disabled Veterans of Call of Duty Association, Biden briefly but passionately gave his opinion on the matter.

“Why do people need so many seats?” said Biden. “Why would you even want to sit in the back seat of a vehicle? It’s called shotgun people! Just ride shotgun.”

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NPN ace reporter Gendaibushi [High Praise!] contributed to this story.

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Komrade Michelle Leads Glorious Nation’s Youth in Healthy Revolution

Chicago, IL (NPN State News Service) – The picturesque scene at the McCormick Place convention center in Chicago was one of true patriotism and revolution as the Dear Leader’s glorious and most beautiful wife, Comrade Michelle led our great nation’s youth in a new revolution against being a fat and lazy citizen. In an effort to mark the occasion, these young revolutionary comrades starved themselves for many hours in protest of evil greedy capitalist excess.

Our brave police forces helping out.

Our brave police forces helping out.

Said one young revolutionary, Comrade Kevin Archer a 3rd grader at Novak King Elementary School, “I do this for the revolution and to stop being fat. No good citizen should be fat. Being fat is being a capitalist traitor. I am feeling a bit sick now though.”

Comrade Michelle gives a powerful speech.

Comrade Michelle gives a powerful speech.


Many of these brave youth were near fainting when Comrade Michelle made her appearance after hours of waiting for the beginning of these glorious festivities. In an effort to keep our young comrades from failing in their duties, blessed members of our revolutionary police forces helped prop up our young heroes. Not a one of these brave children left their post during the ceremony as our brave police forces kept them from falling over with the butt of their rifles.

As Comrade Michelle delicately floated across the stage to deliver her speech, the young revolutionaries cheered as the band played our national anthem. Before speaking, a great and glorious image of our Dear Leader was gently lowered from above the stage so that all may bask in his wonder and salute the savior of our great and glorious nation. Some of the young revolutionaries, weak from hunger, were helped to salute by our brave police forces.

Comrade Michelle looked out over the glorious future of our glorious nation and said “You, comrades, are the future of our glorious nation! You are showing the rest of our comrades how to live in a patriotic way, without food and excess. It is you who will continue the revolution and destroy the capitalist fatties!”

Comrade Michelle’s speech lasted for an hour and was followed by many glorious celebrities and athletes praising the Dear Leader and decrying the evils of eating food and becoming fat like a traitorous capitalist.

Our Glorious Leader

Our Glorious Leader

One NBA basketball player said “I didn’t get to where I am today by eating food. I did it through hard work and exercise. I did it through using government programs and not through capitalism. I am where I am today by not eating and through the glorious graces of our Dear Leader, Barrack Obama!”

This was met by great cheers from the youth, as directed by our brave police forces.

The event climaxed in a spirited chant of “No Food! Let’s Move!” and then ended with another basking of and saluting the glorious countenance of our Glorious Dear Leader atop a white stallion holding the world within his fist.

After the event, one of the teachers who had helped bring these young revolutionaries to the event was heard saying “Yeah let’s move…because there’s no food!” The unidentified teacher was last seen chatting with our brave police forces.

[Cross posted at Nukingpolitics]

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Senate to Ban All Projectile Firing Devices

WASHINGTON (NPN) – On the heels of the national gun control debate that has been raging over the past few weeks, Senator Feinstein, D-Ca, is attempting to push through a bill to ban all projectile firing devices, especially those that can be loaded with more than one projectile.

“This is not a ban against weapons, as that would be unconstitutional,” said the senator, “it is simply a ban on devices that fire projectiles. As we all know, projectiles are dangerous and can hurt and kill people, so we need to get them off of the streets.”

When asked if this included all handguns, hunting rifles, and even BB guns, the senator confirmed this was the case. “Oh yes, those BB guns seem so innocent, but you could shoot your eye out with one of those things.”

A spokesperson for senator Feinstein’s office which is responsible for drafting the new legislation explained that this is not an infringement of people’s rights to bear arms.

“Let them have swords” said the spokesperson. “Or even spears. You can hunt with a spear. And sword fights are fun.”

Gun rights activists like the NRA are up in arms about this new push to ban all guns, setting a date for a rally at the capital and multiple television ads.

“We are not going to sit by while this government tramples our rights to keep and bear arms.” said Tom Green, a gun rights activist. “And not only that, but I spent hundreds on my Nerf gun collection and they want to take it away. I’ll have nothing to do at work!”

White House press secretary Jay Carney held court as reporters bombarded him with questions about the legislation.

“Look, first what I want to say is, the President did not push for any such legislation and so we don’t know all of the details.” said Carney. “But from what I, uh, I understand of senator Feinstein’s bill is that this will only effect a small number of projectile firing devices, not necessarily guns exactly, per se, etc.”

Upon being asked what exactly he defines as being a gun other than a projectile firing device, Carney ripped his shirt off, flexed his biceps and said “now these are guns baby!”. He then held his pose frozen until the reporters finally left.

There are also unconfirmed reports surfacing that several other Democrat members of the Senate are drafting their own bills in an effort to keep the public safe, such as a ban on all types of eapons that start with a “w”, a ban on sharp material separation devices, a ban on devices that have triggers, and a ban on pointy sticks.

There is a rumor that there is also a proposal to ban laws against pederasty, but NPN was unable to confirm which creepy old Democrat Senator from Nevada was looking into such legislation.

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Paris Hilton Handbag Store an ‘Affront’ to Islam

Riyadh, Saudi Arabia (NPN) – Muslims around the world are crying foul following the opening of a new Paris Hilton Handbags & Accesories store in Mecca, the capital of the Muslim world. Twitter was afire with angry comments towards the hotel heiress and her line of womens accesories that nobody had really heard of until now. Citizens living in and around Mecca especially are upset that such a store could be opened in the holiest of cities and the site of Islam’s annual pilgrimmage.

“This is an affront to Islam itself!” said Said al-Mularki. “Not only does this Satan woman who makes the sexy tapes soil our most holy of cities with her name, but also does so with a line of merchandise that isn’t worth camel dung. Who would buy this crap?”

Paris Hilton being taken into custody for questioning while wearing this lovely ensemble available from the Paris Hilton clothing line.

In response to the store’s opening, a flash mob ensued outside of the busy Mecca mall where protesters shouted in anger, demanding that the “Satan woman’s store be destroyed”. The flash mob also performed a series of dance numbers from the musical CATS, and then broke up.

At the daily White House briefing, reporters questioned White House Press Secretary Jay Carney about the uproar over Paris Hilton’s store in Mecca and what, if anything, the President might do about it.

“The President is deeply concerned about this” said Carney. “He wanted me to make it clear that the administration will do everything in its power to resolve this situation, including, but not limited to bowing to the King of Saudi Arabia…again, and also having Paris Hilton arrested for something that has nothing to do with this. Or something.”

And with that, Carney shouted “BOOM! Explosion!”, crouched behind the podium, and pretended not to be there anymore while singing Memory softly to himself.

Meanwhile, it has been confirmed that Hilton was taken into custody early this morning by the Beverly Hills Police Department. A spokesperson for the department said that the heiress has been taken simply for questioning about something that has nothing to do with handbags or Muslims. No further explanation was offered.

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Nobel Participant Prize

Oslo, Norway (NPN) – The esteemed Nobel Peace Prize has been awarded for the year of 2012 to none other than the greatest proponent of peace on Earth, the entire European Union. Members of the EU assembly, a collective of self-serving and officious bureaucrats, rejoiced and celebrated with lots of self-aggrandizement and partying, which they generally only reserve for days that end with “day”.

Rumor is, the medal will be replaced with a doughnut.

According to EU assembly member Hans von Hans, this award has been a long time coming.

“Really, what better way to acknowledge the hard work and struggles of the bureaucratic class in their effort to tell people how to live their lives?” said the humble Hans. “There is no better way to promote peace than taking rich people’s money and spreading it around to everyone else so they can go on holiday most of the year.”

The Nobel committee revealed that it would be reevaluating its standards on other Nobel prizes, including those for physics, mathematics, chemistry, and medicine. They also announced a new prize: the Nobel for Participation. This prize is to be awarded to all humans on Earth who participate in being a human on Earth.

“This is long overdue, really.” said Pierre Manuel von van de la Klementine of the Nobel committee. “So many humans struggle to do great things and fail. This prize is really to acknowledge their accomplishments and avoid hurting anyone’s feelings that they didn’t get a Nobel Prize. Now everyone will get one!”

In an effort to make the Prize more fair, the Nobel committee has decided to award anyone who practices medicine, be it as a doctor or a person who put a Band-Aid on a cut, a Nobel Prize in medicine. And anyone who has demonstrated the principles of physics in a meaningful way will be awarded a Nobel Prize in Physics, whether they have split an atom or cut some cheese. Chemistry will still be a difficult award to get.

“We had to draw the line somewhere.” said Klemintine. “Unless you have, at a minimum, mixed two liquids together, or at least put an ice cube into a liquid, you cannot be awarded the Nobel for Chemistry.”

The metric for earning a Nobel Prize in mathematics is still undecided.

“Most people don’t know how to do any kind of math, so we are still trying to find a way to make this award accessible to people.” said Klementine. “So far, the greatest consensus is to award it to anyone who can pick up two objects at one time.”

Other award categories seem to be in the works, such as the Nobel Prize for Television Watching, the Nobel Prize for Putting Your Pants On, and the Nobel Prize for Breathing.

It is rumored that the Nobel Prize for literature may be phased out, with the Nobel committee stating that writing is just too hard for some people, and making this a part of the Prize is just unfair to so many.

NPN ace reporter mikel (High Praise!) contributed to this story.

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Breaking News: Professor Claims Obama Campaign ‘Misrepresented’ His Work

Harvard University (NPN) – Professor Martin Feldstein, an economist at Harvard, claims that President Obama and his campaign have misrepresented his study of Mitt Romney’s tax plan. The president has claimed that the tax plan does not work and is purposely designed to raise taxes on middle and low income earners, citing Professor Feldstein’s study.

The Obama Campaign’s corrected version of Professor Feldstein’s study on the Romney Tax Plan.

“This is completely reprehensible, what they have done.” said the wild-eyed Feldstein in a horrible German accent. “My study clearly showed that the Romney tax plan can in fact achieve debt neutrality while avoiding raising tax rates on the middle class, low class, and those with no class.”

With that, the professor then filled three giant chalk boards proving why, threw his chalk at this reporter and stalked out of the class room.

An Obama campaign spokesperson quickly responded to our inquest regarding Professor Feldstein’s claims.

“He’s clearly wrong about our mischaracterization of his study.” said Margaret Stump, a chief financial adviser of the campaign. “We read his report, which made little sense to begin with, and simply corrected his math, which didn’t work originally. I mean, who uses a bunch of symbols and letters instead of numbers when doing math? It was garbage.”

The professor also apparently did not account for the costs and penalties associated with Obamacare.

“I don’t know what Dr. Feldstein was thinking, removing Obamacare expenses like that.” said Stump. “The costs of that are going to be huge, and you can’t make conclusions about a tax policy without recognizing how much Obamacare will add to the tax burden and completely crush the middle class, while putting small companies out of business and taking away from the economic growth that Romney’s tax cuts are supposed to make appear out of thin air.”

Vice presidential candidate Joe Biden apparently caught wind of this story as it was developing and made some comments in a speech to members of the Chupacabra Hunters Union in Wisconsin.

“This nutty professor is going around saying he knows better how to do math than the President of the United States!” said an apoplectic Biden. “Yeah! He is saying that. I mean, you can’t become president or vice president without knowing a lot about math. So I have three words for you Professor: Go Learn Math! Oh wait, that was four words. Four words for you professor.”

The Romney campaign was unable to respond to these developments being indisposed by fits of raucous laughter.

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Obama Complains of Debating “Not the Real Mitt”

What Obama claims he faced at the debate instead of Mitt Romney.

In a speech the day after the debate, Obama said “That wasn’t the real Mitt” that he faced in the debate Wednesday night.

“What I faced in that debate was nothing like the real Mitt Romney,” Obama told 12,000 backers at a park in Denver. “It was more this giant horrible thing. Like a robot. A giant, metal robot. Something invincible that my tiny hands just impotently clawed at and were unable to make a mark. Or a Mack truck. I think I expected Romney to be in the podium next to me, but I turned and what I saw was this truck careening towards me. It hit me very hard… and now I’m having trouble remembering…”

Tears were visible in the president’s eyes as he continued. “And then there was this monster there. It roared at me and grabbed me and slammed me into the ground over and over and I screamed, ‘This isn’t Mitt Romney! I supposed to debate Mitt Romney!’ And I kept trying to read from the teleprompter in my mind like my debate trainers told me, but the monster wouldn’t stop beating me and the words were so fuzzy. And then this horrible, incomprehensible thing stood over me and… and… it’s hard to remember. Please don’t make me remember!”

The president started bawling. “It started questioning the job I did as president TO MY FACE! It was the most agonizing thing imaginable! Why didn’t somebody stop it?! Why?!”

The president then curled up into a fetal position and started rocking back and forth muttering. “Tell me I’m smart. Someone please tell me I’m smart.”

The president’s aides say that Obama is really prepared for the next debate and Romney better watch out, but the real Romney better show up for that debate instead of an invincible robot monster that crushes everything before it.

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President Obama Marks Labor Day

Washington, D.C. (NPN) – As the nation turned to various festivities and traditions on this Labor Day, from grilling food in the backyard and spending time with family, to remembering the hard work, ingenuity, and enterprise that it took to make this a great country, the President took part in a ceremony of his own, followed by a speech to commemorate the occasion.

President Obama prepares to lay a union-made wreath on the Tomb of the Unknown Job in honor of the many jobs lost.

The ceremony began with the President laying a wreath on the Tomb of the Unknown Job, and after a moment of silence for the many jobs lost, President Obama gave a short speech to mark the holiday.

“This day, Labor Day, is a day of remembrance of the many jobs that once made this country so great.” said the President. “For without them, we would not have had the peace and prosperity that we so enjoyed before. It is important on a day like this, a national holiday, to remember those many jobs that were saved or created, shovel ready or not so ready, public union or private union, green or kind of green, and all the rest that keep at least some of America working and paying taxes to me.”

“And it is especially important to honor the unbroken unemployment lines, and also the unbroken line of fallen jobs.” the President said. “I see many of them out here today. It is with their continued sacrifice that my dreams of a different kind of America will be made possible. We may mourn their loss, but keep looking forward to the future I am bringing you to.”

After the speech, the White House hosted a special lunch with national union leaders. During this, one of the union leaders, Larry Greer, gave a short speech of his own.

“On behalf of the many labor unions in the nation,” said Greer, “I would like to thank President Obama for his continued efforts in helping organized labor regain its grip on power over evil businesses and the people in general. If it were not for his tireless work to destroy as many non-union jobs as possible, we would simply have faded away with time.”

The speech was met with cheers and toasts in the President’s honor.

In other news, a job from California that was reported missing last month has turned up in the port city of Pinghu, China. Chinese officials have granted the job full asylum, as has been their policy for the last several years while more and more jobs continue to self-exile themselves from the United States.

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Pressure on Obama Administration to Release “Choom List” Increases

Washington, D.C. (NPN) – On the heels of the recently published results of a ground-breaking research project linking the use of marijuana, or “choom”, to the development of rampant idiocy in its users, some groups are beginning to question the “Choomer-in-Chief” himself, President Obama.

Vice President Joe Biden was unable to answer how exactly he became such an idiot.

“All we want to know is, how much of this stuff did he use?” said Brian Goldberg, a senior fellow for the Center of Political Scrutiny. “I think the American people have a right to know just how much the President’s brain has been affected by this horrible drug, preferably before they decide whether to reelect him or not.”

While most groups agree that it is sufficient for the American people to know just to what extent the President subjected himself to reefer madness in his youth, others are claiming it simply isn’t enough, and that there is a more important question that needs to be addressed by the Obama administration.

One such group, Citizens for Open Choom Dialogue, wants to know more about the President’s supposed “Choom Gang”.

“You have to look at this objectively.” said Robert Fullerton, the group’s founder and chairman. “It isn’t enough to know how much choom the President subjected himself to, because as idiotic as his policies are, he still seems relatively functional for an incompetent moron. What we need to know is, who else from his choom gang is serving in our government?”

Reading from a list of suspected individuals, Fullerton and his group are most concerned about a specific person: Vice President Joe Biden.

“Think about it. Is there a more idiotic person in the higher levels of government?” said Fullerton. “Why would anyone purposely select Biden as their Vice President, knowing full well that the man is a complete and utter moron?”

“I’ll tell you why.” he declared. “It’s the choom. Joe Biden was or still is a member of this “choom gang”, and that is why the President selected him as his VP.”

The group has been pressuring the White House to either admit to these accusations, or to show proof otherwise, requesting a list of the Choom Gang membership from President Obama. When asked about it at a recent White House press briefing, Press Secretary Jay Carney made the following statement:

“Look, ah, this is just another type of birtherism.” said Carney, while beginning to foam at the mouth, as he is wont to do. “These “choomers”, that’s, uh, c-h-o-o-m-e-r-s, these choomers are just the same crazy people that want the President to submit yet another document that is irrelevant. They wanted the same thing as with other irrelevant documents such as his birth certificate, his school records, and those silly Fast and Furious documents. Frankly, none of this creates jobs. It’s about the jobs people. And the children.”

And with that, Jay Carney disappeared in a puff of smoke.

An official statement released afterwards from the White House declared, somewhat ambiguously, that Vice President Biden was never a local member of the original Choom Gang of Obama’s school years. Whether or not a current choom gang still exists and if Joe Biden is a member of it was not addressed.

Other “choomers” are starting to pressure the President to release a list.

“It’s simple, either Biden was, or he wasn’t a choom gang member.” said Donald Trump during a recent episode of The View. “Why is this such a big deal? What is the President hiding? I’m not saying Biden was, or is a choom gang member. But we all know he is, in fact, a flaming idiot. So that brings up the obvious question, of his, er, his membership in this choom club thing. Why won’t Obama just answer the question and put this thing to rest? Just release this Choom Gang list, Mr. President!”

NPN sought out Trump for additional remarks, but following his initial statement on The View, Joy Bahar attacked him with a chair and he was unavailable for comment while recovering.

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IMAO ace reporter Ghengis Khen [High Praise!] contributed to this story.

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