Last week, Dr. Richard B. Hoover, an astrobiologist with NASA’s Marshall Space Flight Center, announced that there was evidence of alien life in meteorites.

According to his report at the Journal of Cosmology, life is common in the universe:

…these fossilized bacteria are not Earthly contaminants but are the fossilized remains of living organisms which lived in the parent bodies of these meteors, e.g. comets, moons, and other astral bodies. Coupled with a wealth of date published elsewhere and in previous editions of the Journal of Cosmology, and as presented in the edited text, “The Biological Big Bang”, the implications are that life is everywhere, and that life on Earth may have come from other planets.

As evidence, he offered photos of what looked like life.

© Journal of Cosmology

But the surprising news doesn’t stop there, according to Dr. Hoover. “Building on this conclusion — that is, if it looks like life, then it’s probably life — we now have proof that poodles live in the earth’s sky.”

While some scientists are skeptical of Dr. Hoover’s latest claim, he offered additional photos to support his hypothesis.

“You see this? There’s no doubt that it’s a poodle. But closer examination shows that it’s floating in the sky with clouds,” Dr. Hoover said. “It’s obvious that giant floating poodles live on the earth. In fact, there may be additional giant floating dogs, not just poodles, that live in the sky.”

While there is no photographic evidence of other airborne canines, Dr. Hoover suggests that other evidence points to their existence.

“The meteorites that contain microscopic slugs? How did they get to earth? I think that other sky-dogs may have seen the asteroids zipping by in space and, well, essentially played ‘fetch’ with them, bringing them to earth and dropping them on us,” Dr. Hoover concluded.

The scientist stated that more research needed to be done. He said that once NASA learns more about the giant floating dogs, it is possible they could be trained to not only fetch, but to also deliver satellites into space.

“The possibilities are endless,” Dr. Hoover said.

“It was like temporary Hillary”

WASHINGTON (AP) In a brief statement, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin apologized for describing White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel as “Obama’d”.

“All I meant to say,” said Palin, “was that sometimes Rahm says things that are kind of Biden, and in the heat of the moment, I slipped and said he was ‘completely Obama’d’. It’s a phrase that many people who are sick of the government’s liberal, nanny-state agenda toss around as a casual epithet. I didn’t stop to consider how hurtful it is to people who, because of some tragic mental handicap, actually embrace the Obama agenda.”

“It was a very Reid thing for me to say. I Pelosied up, and I’m sorry for being such a complete Axelrod.”

CAIRO, Egypt (AP) – In an audio tape posted on the internet, Al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden said that Muslims across the world “must take action” to help the millions of Haitians suffering in the aftermath of a tragic earthquake.

“No more talky-talk. Let’s go help some Haitians!”

“Although our holy Jihad against Jews and infidels (may their stomachs roast in hell) is important,” said Bin Laden, “even more important is the human tragedy in Haiti. The Western nations natter and dither while innocents die because the Great Satan is indifferent to the fate of the impoverished. As Muslims, however, we do not have the luxury of indifference. Allah is a God of mercy and compassion. As his followers, we are compelled to be the instruments of that compassion.”

“Many Muslim nations,” continued Bin Laden, “are awash in oil wealth. In the name of Allah the all-giving and all-loving, we are obligated to use that wealth to the benefit of Allah’s neediest children, no matter where they are, and even though they do not share our beliefs. There is a time for the sword, but there is also a time for the hand of mercy and charity to lift up those in their hour of greatest desperation. The decadent West has failed, and it is up to the world’s Muslims to lift up the lamp of Islamic generosity to give hope to those who are now hopeless.”

Surprisingly, the terrorist leader and most wanted man in the world has vowed to risk his own life to personally bring aid to the decimated areas of Haiti. “Although I am not a prophet with the greatness of Mohammed (peace be upon him), I am still a man,” said Al Qaeda’s #1, “and my fellow man is crying in sorrow. I, myself, will lead an aid mission into Haiti as a visible missionary of succor to this devastated nation, even though the infidels may martyr me on sight.”

“I can only hope,” concluded Bin Laden, “that the rest of the world will follow the Muslim example, set aside their petty squabbles, and do the right thing to save the innocent lives that hang in the balance.”

(by IMAO field reporter macmanus)

Take that, blasphemers!

DEARBORN, MICHIGAN (AP) — Officials say a fourth mosque has been hit by firebombs in Michigan amid a growing dispute in the country over the use of the word “Jesus” by non-Christians.

Imam Mustafa bin Lokawi says two firebombs were believed to have been thrown at his Islamic Center Shi’te Mosque early Saturday but missed the glass windows, hitting the building wall instead.

He says mosque members discovered two burned patches on the building wall at midday and found glass splinters on the ground. He said there was no damage to the mosque in the Detroit suburb.

The incident occurred a day after three other mosques were attacked by firebombs.

Many Christians are angry about a Dec. 31 court decision overturning a government ban on Muslims referring to Jesus as “A prophet of Allah“.

KAILUA, HAWAII (AP) – Taking a break from his Hawaiian vacation, President Obama addressed the issue of the failed airliner bombing attempt over Detroit by saying that “right wing extremists” were to blame.

Obama vows to protect ‘freedom of ignition’ for Muslims

“As Department of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano pointed out,” said Obama, “the system works. As President, I’ve done everything in my power to support and encourage ‘man-caused disaster’ attacks on American soil – from not using the ‘T’ word, to treating alleged violent attacks by people of certain religions as criminal nuisances. Judging by the Christmas incident in Detroit, I’d give the system a good, solid B+.”

“Unfortunately,” continued the President, “a right-wing extremist interfered with Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab’s freedom to exercise his religion, and prevented him from fully expressing his opinion about America’s recent vicious attacks on the peaceful land of Yemen. Let me be clear – this sort of repression of universal rights will not be tolerated by this administration. We won’t put up with it from Fox News, and we sure as hell won’t put up with it from some stinking Dutchman. Rest assured that Jasper Schuringa will be held securely in the Guantanamo Bay detention facility pending an appearance before a full military tribunal.”

Under new directives ordered by the Obama administration in the wake of the tragically failed attack, passengers on US domestic and international flights will be prohibited from having pillows, blankets, or “any other material or device” which might be used to put out a fire and interfere with an “enthusiastic expression of political opinion or zealous religious activity”.

From the archives, December 1, 1945

WEST POINT, NY (CBS) — President Truman announced his new strategy in the Pacific in a speech Saturday night, vowing to deploy 30,000 additional troops to the Pacific theatre as quickly as possible and setting July 1947 as a date to begin pulling U.S. forces out of the region.

“I do not make this decision lightly,” the president said, telling more than 4,000 West Point Military Academy cadets that “as your Commander-in-Chief, I owe you a mission that is clearly defined, and worthy of your service.”

CBS News chief war correspondent Larry LeSueur said Tuesday night that the speech will be looked back at as the “defining moment of the Truman presidency.”

“This was the night when Harry Truman took full ownership of the war in the Pacific,” he said.

The president also said that U.S. troops will begin to come home in approximately 18 months, though he did not set a date for a full withdrawal of American forces. The troop surge, he said, will “allow us to begin the transfer of our forces out of the Pacific in July of 1947.”

In the highly-anticiated address, the president said that while gains had been made against Japan since he came into office, the country has “moved backwards” for several years, in part because the United States has been focused on Europe.

The president also responded to those who oppose a timetable for withdrawal and seek what he called “a more dramatic and open-ended escalation of our war effort – one that would commit us to a nation building project of up to a decade.”

“I reject this course because it sets goals that are beyond what we can achieve at a reasonable cost, and what we need to achieve to secure our interests,” he said. “Furthermore, the absence of a timeframe for transition would deny us any sense of urgency in working with the Japanese government.”

“America has no interest in fighting an endless war with Japan,” added Mr. Truman.

The president has received criticism from “hawks” in both parties for his cancellation of former president Roosevelt’s Manhattan Project. He made a veiled reference to the so-called “Atom Bomb” when he said “we have at times made mistakes.”

In previous statements, Mr. Truman was more outspoken against the so-called “Buck Rogers” technology, saying “the science is settled” that an Atom Bomb is not feasible. American troops are currently scheduled to begin withdrawal from Germany in late 1946, where American forces continue to face attacks from Nazi insurgents.

“Our policy of pursuing talks with Grand Admiral Karl Dönitz of the Third Reich will allow a satisfying conclusion of hostilities in Europe,” Mr. Truman told the cadets.

Turning his attention back to the Pacific, the president then addressed the Japanese people directly, telling them “America seeks an end to this era of war and suffering.”

“We have no interest in occupying your country,” he said.

TOKYO (AP) – After executing what appeared to be an extremely deep bow upon meeting Japan’s Emperor Akihito last Saturday, President Barack Obama later apologized for his “ungainly and ill-executed curtsey”.

Worst. Curtsey. Ever.

“I was just trying to show a little respect for the Emperor’s culture,” said Obama, explaining his poorly-performed gesture, “and I guess I got a little confused. At first I thought ‘I should greet him as a fellow head-of-state’, so I started shaking his hand. Then I thought, ‘I should to show that I’m not some arrogant cowboy like Bush, so I need to bow super-low’. But then I noticed his wife and thought, ‘I should respect her gender, so I need to curtsey’. I kinda ended up doing all three at once, and I guess I didn’t do any of them very well.”

At a press conference on Monday, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs defended Obama’s intention in performing the gesture of feminine subservience.

“The President has a duty to repair the damage done to America’s reputation abroad by the previous administration. Other nations are used to America acting with confidence, assertiveness, and a certain degree of manhood. What better way to repair the damage than by acting like a quavering, spineless little girl?”

President Obama said that, for future trips involving greeting foreign dignitaries, he would wear a dress as a means of helping him adopt a more competent implementation of his womanly genuflections.

“But not one of Michelle’s dresses,” insisted the President. “I wouldn’t put my dog’s lawn-patties in one of those tacky trash-bags.”

WASHINGTON DC (AP) – After it was widely reported that Democrat Congressman Alan Grayson of Florida called Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke’s aide and former Enron lobbyist, Linda Robertson, “a K Street whore“, prostitutes working the K Street area demanded an apology.

“No, I won’t lobby for you, you sick, book-cooking bastard!”

Silky Sparkles, spokestrollop for the Washington D.C. Adult Companionship Workers Local 269, said that she and her fellow K Street strumpets objected to Grayson’s demeaning use of the word “whore”.

“Being a whore is an honorable profession,” said Ms. Sparkles. “Sure, we do disgusting things with lonely, smelly, fat guys – like Mr. Grayson – in exchange for money, but Robertson lobbied for Enron. I mean… EWWWWW! It’s like, yeah, for enough Benjamins I’ll do ya a Cleveland Clamper or a Seattle Sashimi, but I’ve got STANDARDS! No Denver Danglers, and no working for Enron.”

National Organization for Women (NOW) President Kim Gandy also found the incident disturbing.

“The word ‘whore’ is deeply offensive to all women,” said Gandy. “It’s often reserved for women who step beyond male-patrolled sexual boundaries and is an obscene and especially degrading put-down toward a woman whose only crime is earning a living. However, since Grayson is a Democrat, we’re totally going to let this one slide. Besides, why would we stick up for some stupid whore Republican?”

When informed that Robertson was a Democrat, Gandy shrugged and replied, “Whatever. We mind our own business with Blue-on-Blue.”

After originally having his staff tell reporters to “go check the second definition of ‘whore’ in your stupid whore dictionaries, you damn news whores!”, Grayson later held a press conference where he apologized.

“Some people,” said Grayson, “were offended by my use of the word ‘whore’. I ask you to note that I could’ve called Robertson a chancrous, ill-mannered, gutter-slut – but I didn’t. I could’ve called her a crack-addled, knee-padding, man-gargler – but I didn’t. But I did call her a ‘whore’ – in the context of the debate over whether the Federal Reserve should be independently audited – and for that slip of the tongue… I apologize.”

“As for you actual K Street whores,” concluded Grayson, “I’ll be by later tonight for my Denver Dangler.”

Former president Jimmy Carter said Tuesday that he believes that outdated notions of honesty are at the core of much of the opposition to President Obama.

Innocent victims of truthist hatemongering

“I think an overwhelming portion of the intensely demonstrated animosity toward President Barack Obama is based on the fact that he is a con man, that he’s Deception American,” Carter told NBC in an interview.

Continued Carter: “That truthist inclination runs deep in flyover country… It’s an abominable circumstance, and it grieves me and concerns me very deeply.”

The 39th president also predicted that Obama will be able to “triumph over the factist attitude that is the basis for the negative environment that we see so vividly demonstrated in public affairs in recent days.”

Democrat Congressman Hank Johnson of Georgia said that if Joe Wilson’s blantant display of honestism hadn’t been condemned by the House, his destructive attitude would’ve covered the nation like a smallpox-infected blanket.

“I guess we’d probably have folks in Fox News vans riding through the countryside and intimidating people. That’s the logical conclusion if this kind of accuratist attitude is not rebuked.”

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, however, dismissed claims that Obama’s fabricationism was at the heart of the issue.

“I don’t think the president believes that people are upset because of the accuracy of his statments,” said Gibbs. “This country elected a smooth-talking, flim-flamming, hustling, scamming bunco-artist last November. Nobody cared about veracity then, and I don’t see why they should start now.”

EXCLUSIVE!

Thanks to anonymous sources, we here at IMAO (and America is an Obamanation!) have managed to get hold of a secret communique from Secretary of Education Arne Duncan to members of the teachers’ union regarding the President’s live address to our nation’s school children this coming Tuesday:

Greetings, my fellow educators and indoctrination coordinators!

As I am certain you are well aware by now, a truly exciting day in the annals of history approaches, as our beloved President will address school children all over this quite plain and undistinguished nation on Tuesday, September 8th, to ask their help in moving this backward, bitter land of bible-clinging troglodytes forward into the glorious international collective of tomorrow.

I hope you are all as excited as I am by this new and hopeful day of change we can all believe in!

By now, you should have received your classroom kits and instructions on how to make this a true moment of insight and enlightenment for all of the good little progressives who have been entrusted to your care. Remember, our Dear Leader is counting on the cooperation of each and every one of you to help undo any damage that may have been inflicted on our poor, dear children by their awful, evil-mongering parental units during this excruciatingly long and painful summer. Thankfully, though, we have them back under our control now and with your hard work and commitment to our just and noble cause, I am quite certain that their young heads full of mush can still be molded into what our Great Society most needs — conformist worker drones.

Be certain to engage the students in the Party approved activities before, during and after The Great One’s sure-to-be awe-inspiring speech. It is imperative that we not miss this opportunity to drive home The Messiah’s message to these impressionable young children, so they can begin helping us push our agenda on the American People while we still can.

Unfortunately, some students may not be as cooperative as we might hope. Luckily, there are proven methods of dealing with their misbehavior…

[Bart Simpson Chalkboard Generator]

Should that prove ineffective, there is no cause for alarm as we are including several bottles of our newest formula in your classroom kits!

Yours in Faithful “O”bedience,

Arne Duncan

United States Secretary of Education

BREAKING:
The Nose on Your Face has an exclusive copy of the original draft of the Dept. of Education’s classroom activities sheet.