“It was like temporary Hillary”

WASHINGTON (AP) In a brief statement, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin apologized for describing White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel as “Obama’d”.

“All I meant to say,” said Palin, “was that sometimes Rahm says things that are kind of Biden, and in the heat of the moment, I slipped and said he was ‘completely Obama’d’. It’s a phrase that many people who are sick of the government’s liberal, nanny-state agenda toss around as a casual epithet. I didn’t stop to consider how hurtful it is to people who, because of some tragic mental handicap, actually embrace the Obama agenda.”

“It was a very Reid thing for me to say. I Pelosied up, and I’m sorry for being such a complete Axelrod.”

CAIRO, Egypt (AP) – In an audio tape posted on the internet, Al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden said that Muslims across the world “must take action” to help the millions of Haitians suffering in the aftermath of a tragic earthquake.

“No more talky-talk. Let’s go help some Haitians!”

“Although our holy Jihad against Jews and infidels (may their stomachs roast in hell) is important,” said Bin Laden, “even more important is the human tragedy in Haiti. The Western nations natter and dither while innocents die because the Great Satan is indifferent to the fate of the impoverished. As Muslims, however, we do not have the luxury of indifference. Allah is a God of mercy and compassion. As his followers, we are compelled to be the instruments of that compassion.”

“Many Muslim nations,” continued Bin Laden, “are awash in oil wealth. In the name of Allah the all-giving and all-loving, we are obligated to use that wealth to the benefit of Allah’s neediest children, no matter where they are, and even though they do not share our beliefs. There is a time for the sword, but there is also a time for the hand of mercy and charity to lift up those in their hour of greatest desperation. The decadent West has failed, and it is up to the world’s Muslims to lift up the lamp of Islamic generosity to give hope to those who are now hopeless.”

Surprisingly, the terrorist leader and most wanted man in the world has vowed to risk his own life to personally bring aid to the decimated areas of Haiti. “Although I am not a prophet with the greatness of Mohammed (peace be upon him), I am still a man,” said Al Qaeda’s #1, “and my fellow man is crying in sorrow. I, myself, will lead an aid mission into Haiti as a visible missionary of succor to this devastated nation, even though the infidels may martyr me on sight.”

“I can only hope,” concluded Bin Laden, “that the rest of the world will follow the Muslim example, set aside their petty squabbles, and do the right thing to save the innocent lives that hang in the balance.”

(by IMAO field reporter macmanus)

Take that, blasphemers!

DEARBORN, MICHIGAN (AP) — Officials say a fourth mosque has been hit by firebombs in Michigan amid a growing dispute in the country over the use of the word “Jesus” by non-Christians.

Imam Mustafa bin Lokawi says two firebombs were believed to have been thrown at his Islamic Center Shi’te Mosque early Saturday but missed the glass windows, hitting the building wall instead.

He says mosque members discovered two burned patches on the building wall at midday and found glass splinters on the ground. He said there was no damage to the mosque in the Detroit suburb.

The incident occurred a day after three other mosques were attacked by firebombs.

Many Christians are angry about a Dec. 31 court decision overturning a government ban on Muslims referring to Jesus as “A prophet of Allah“.

KAILUA, HAWAII (AP) – Taking a break from his Hawaiian vacation, President Obama addressed the issue of the failed airliner bombing attempt over Detroit by saying that “right wing extremists” were to blame.

Obama vows to protect ‘freedom of ignition’ for Muslims

“As Department of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano pointed out,” said Obama, “the system works. As President, I’ve done everything in my power to support and encourage ‘man-caused disaster’ attacks on American soil – from not using the ‘T’ word, to treating alleged violent attacks by people of certain religions as criminal nuisances. Judging by the Christmas incident in Detroit, I’d give the system a good, solid B+.”

“Unfortunately,” continued the President, “a right-wing extremist interfered with Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab’s freedom to exercise his religion, and prevented him from fully expressing his opinion about America’s recent vicious attacks on the peaceful land of Yemen. Let me be clear – this sort of repression of universal rights will not be tolerated by this administration. We won’t put up with it from Fox News, and we sure as hell won’t put up with it from some stinking Dutchman. Rest assured that Jasper Schuringa will be held securely in the Guantanamo Bay detention facility pending an appearance before a full military tribunal.”

Under new directives ordered by the Obama administration in the wake of the tragically failed attack, passengers on US domestic and international flights will be prohibited from having pillows, blankets, or “any other material or device” which might be used to put out a fire and interfere with an “enthusiastic expression of political opinion or zealous religious activity”.

From the archives, December 1, 1945

WEST POINT, NY (CBS) — President Truman announced his new strategy in the Pacific in a speech Saturday night, vowing to deploy 30,000 additional troops to the Pacific theatre as quickly as possible and setting July 1947 as a date to begin pulling U.S. forces out of the region.

“I do not make this decision lightly,” the president said, telling more than 4,000 West Point Military Academy cadets that “as your Commander-in-Chief, I owe you a mission that is clearly defined, and worthy of your service.”

CBS News chief war correspondent Larry LeSueur said Tuesday night that the speech will be looked back at as the “defining moment of the Truman presidency.”

“This was the night when Harry Truman took full ownership of the war in the Pacific,” he said.

The president also said that U.S. troops will begin to come home in approximately 18 months, though he did not set a date for a full withdrawal of American forces. The troop surge, he said, will “allow us to begin the transfer of our forces out of the Pacific in July of 1947.”

In the highly-anticiated address, the president said that while gains had been made against Japan since he came into office, the country has “moved backwards” for several years, in part because the United States has been focused on Europe.

The president also responded to those who oppose a timetable for withdrawal and seek what he called “a more dramatic and open-ended escalation of our war effort – one that would commit us to a nation building project of up to a decade.”

“I reject this course because it sets goals that are beyond what we can achieve at a reasonable cost, and what we need to achieve to secure our interests,” he said. “Furthermore, the absence of a timeframe for transition would deny us any sense of urgency in working with the Japanese government.”

“America has no interest in fighting an endless war with Japan,” added Mr. Truman.

The president has received criticism from “hawks” in both parties for his cancellation of former president Roosevelt’s Manhattan Project. He made a veiled reference to the so-called “Atom Bomb” when he said “we have at times made mistakes.”

In previous statements, Mr. Truman was more outspoken against the so-called “Buck Rogers” technology, saying “the science is settled” that an Atom Bomb is not feasible. American troops are currently scheduled to begin withdrawal from Germany in late 1946, where American forces continue to face attacks from Nazi insurgents.

“Our policy of pursuing talks with Grand Admiral Karl Dönitz of the Third Reich will allow a satisfying conclusion of hostilities in Europe,” Mr. Truman told the cadets.

Turning his attention back to the Pacific, the president then addressed the Japanese people directly, telling them “America seeks an end to this era of war and suffering.”

“We have no interest in occupying your country,” he said.

TOKYO (AP) – After executing what appeared to be an extremely deep bow upon meeting Japan’s Emperor Akihito last Saturday, President Barack Obama later apologized for his “ungainly and ill-executed curtsey”.

Worst. Curtsey. Ever.

“I was just trying to show a little respect for the Emperor’s culture,” said Obama, explaining his poorly-performed gesture, “and I guess I got a little confused. At first I thought ‘I should greet him as a fellow head-of-state’, so I started shaking his hand. Then I thought, ‘I should to show that I’m not some arrogant cowboy like Bush, so I need to bow super-low’. But then I noticed his wife and thought, ‘I should respect her gender, so I need to curtsey’. I kinda ended up doing all three at once, and I guess I didn’t do any of them very well.”

At a press conference on Monday, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs defended Obama’s intention in performing the gesture of feminine subservience.

“The President has a duty to repair the damage done to America’s reputation abroad by the previous administration. Other nations are used to America acting with confidence, assertiveness, and a certain degree of manhood. What better way to repair the damage than by acting like a quavering, spineless little girl?”

President Obama said that, for future trips involving greeting foreign dignitaries, he would wear a dress as a means of helping him adopt a more competent implementation of his womanly genuflections.

“But not one of Michelle’s dresses,” insisted the President. “I wouldn’t put my dog’s lawn-patties in one of those tacky trash-bags.”

WASHINGTON DC (AP) – After it was widely reported that Democrat Congressman Alan Grayson of Florida called Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke’s aide and former Enron lobbyist, Linda Robertson, “a K Street whore“, prostitutes working the K Street area demanded an apology.

“No, I won’t lobby for you, you sick, book-cooking bastard!”

Silky Sparkles, spokestrollop for the Washington D.C. Adult Companionship Workers Local 269, said that she and her fellow K Street strumpets objected to Grayson’s demeaning use of the word “whore”.

“Being a whore is an honorable profession,” said Ms. Sparkles. “Sure, we do disgusting things with lonely, smelly, fat guys – like Mr. Grayson – in exchange for money, but Robertson lobbied for Enron. I mean… EWWWWW! It’s like, yeah, for enough Benjamins I’ll do ya a Cleveland Clamper or a Seattle Sashimi, but I’ve got STANDARDS! No Denver Danglers, and no working for Enron.”

National Organization for Women (NOW) President Kim Gandy also found the incident disturbing.

“The word ‘whore’ is deeply offensive to all women,” said Gandy. “It’s often reserved for women who step beyond male-patrolled sexual boundaries and is an obscene and especially degrading put-down toward a woman whose only crime is earning a living. However, since Grayson is a Democrat, we’re totally going to let this one slide. Besides, why would we stick up for some stupid whore Republican?”

When informed that Robertson was a Democrat, Gandy shrugged and replied, “Whatever. We mind our own business with Blue-on-Blue.”

After originally having his staff tell reporters to “go check the second definition of ‘whore’ in your stupid whore dictionaries, you damn news whores!”, Grayson later held a press conference where he apologized.

“Some people,” said Grayson, “were offended by my use of the word ‘whore’. I ask you to note that I could’ve called Robertson a chancrous, ill-mannered, gutter-slut – but I didn’t. I could’ve called her a crack-addled, knee-padding, man-gargler – but I didn’t. But I did call her a ‘whore’ – in the context of the debate over whether the Federal Reserve should be independently audited – and for that slip of the tongue… I apologize.”

“As for you actual K Street whores,” concluded Grayson, “I’ll be by later tonight for my Denver Dangler.”

Former president Jimmy Carter said Tuesday that he believes that outdated notions of honesty are at the core of much of the opposition to President Obama.

Innocent victims of truthist hatemongering

“I think an overwhelming portion of the intensely demonstrated animosity toward President Barack Obama is based on the fact that he is a con man, that he’s Deception American,” Carter told NBC in an interview.

Continued Carter: “That truthist inclination runs deep in flyover country… It’s an abominable circumstance, and it grieves me and concerns me very deeply.”

The 39th president also predicted that Obama will be able to “triumph over the factist attitude that is the basis for the negative environment that we see so vividly demonstrated in public affairs in recent days.”

Democrat Congressman Hank Johnson of Georgia said that if Joe Wilson’s blantant display of honestism hadn’t been condemned by the House, his destructive attitude would’ve covered the nation like a smallpox-infected blanket.

“I guess we’d probably have folks in Fox News vans riding through the countryside and intimidating people. That’s the logical conclusion if this kind of accuratist attitude is not rebuked.”

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, however, dismissed claims that Obama’s fabricationism was at the heart of the issue.

“I don’t think the president believes that people are upset because of the accuracy of his statments,” said Gibbs. “This country elected a smooth-talking, flim-flamming, hustling, scamming bunco-artist last November. Nobody cared about veracity then, and I don’t see why they should start now.”

EXCLUSIVE!

Thanks to anonymous sources, we here at IMAO (and America is an Obamanation!) have managed to get hold of a secret communique from Secretary of Education Arne Duncan to members of the teachers’ union regarding the President’s live address to our nation’s school children this coming Tuesday:

Greetings, my fellow educators and indoctrination coordinators!

As I am certain you are well aware by now, a truly exciting day in the annals of history approaches, as our beloved President will address school children all over this quite plain and undistinguished nation on Tuesday, September 8th, to ask their help in moving this backward, bitter land of bible-clinging troglodytes forward into the glorious international collective of tomorrow.

I hope you are all as excited as I am by this new and hopeful day of change we can all believe in!

By now, you should have received your classroom kits and instructions on how to make this a true moment of insight and enlightenment for all of the good little progressives who have been entrusted to your care. Remember, our Dear Leader is counting on the cooperation of each and every one of you to help undo any damage that may have been inflicted on our poor, dear children by their awful, evil-mongering parental units during this excruciatingly long and painful summer. Thankfully, though, we have them back under our control now and with your hard work and commitment to our just and noble cause, I am quite certain that their young heads full of mush can still be molded into what our Great Society most needs — conformist worker drones.

Be certain to engage the students in the Party approved activities before, during and after The Great One’s sure-to-be awe-inspiring speech. It is imperative that we not miss this opportunity to drive home The Messiah’s message to these impressionable young children, so they can begin helping us push our agenda on the American People while we still can.

Unfortunately, some students may not be as cooperative as we might hope. Luckily, there are proven methods of dealing with their misbehavior…

[Bart Simpson Chalkboard Generator]

Should that prove ineffective, there is no cause for alarm as we are including several bottles of our newest formula in your classroom kits!

Yours in Faithful “O”bedience,

Arne Duncan

United States Secretary of Education

BREAKING:
The Nose on Your Face has an exclusive copy of the original draft of the Dept. of Education’s classroom activities sheet.

WASHINGTON (AP) – In response to reports of deaths and widespread property damage allegedly caused by so-called “wildfires” in California, President Obama said that he wanted to the let the more moderate and peace-loving flames know that “America is willing to negotiate without pre-conditions”.

Flames – why do they heat us?

“First,” said Obama, “let’s dispense with the reckless, insulting terminology of the previous administration. There is no ‘war on fire‘. There is only a ‘California Contingency Operation‘. While we still seek the defeat of the radical combustionist faction, Al Qindle, we also believe that we can seek common ground with other, less conflagrationist elements on a reasonable degree of self-sustaining oxidation that all sides can agree to.”

During an recent interview on Fox News, former Vice President Dick Cheney dismissed Obama’s call for peace as “the pussified wee-wee-uppings of a limp-wristed man-girl” and defended the Bush administration’s use of “enhanced extinguishing techniques”, saying that “if you pour a little water on these burning bastards, they’ll give it up faster than a drunken cheerleader on prom night.”

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs dismissed Cheney’s criticism as “the senile ramblings of a skin-scalped goblin whose hobbies include shooting his friends in the face for fun”, and insisted that any criticism of the President’s position indicated racial bias.

“These radical right-wing ‘fire-haters’ are disparaging areas of our country where a lot of things are now black. You don’t have to be Sherlock Holmes to figure out why they REALLY hate that part of the country.”

WASHINGTON (AP) – In a bizarre, rambling internet video, former Cuban President Fidel Castro implored the “extreme right” to stop their constant attacks on American President Barack Obama.

“You’re lucky he even bothers staging town halls for you bastards!”

“How dare anyone out there make fun of Barack after all he’s been through!” wailed a tearful Castro, filming himself beneath a blanket, “His poll numbers are slipping! Fox News won’t even carry his press conferences. He had two kids and his wife turned out to be a political liability who feeds the homeless while wearing $500 sneakers. All you crazy racist right wingers care about is voters and scoring cheap political points off him! He’s a human! What you don’t realize is that Barack’s making the Democrat party a laughing stock and all you do is make a bunch of Joker Socialism posters about him!”

When asked later about his unhinged rantings, a more sedate Castro sheepishly explained that he’d just gotten carried away.

“Look,” he said, “I only meant to say that the extreme right hates him for being African-American. But then I started thinking about the how the racist right will do everything possible to wear him down, the tears flowed, my mascara dripped… not my most Presidential moment. Still, 26 million views on YouTube – TOTALLY worth it!”

Although some pundits speculate that the whole video was staged & scripted to draw attention to a lonely old dictator/attention-whore, Castro reaffirmed that he was deadly serious about defending the American President.

“Leave Barack Obama alone right NOW! I mean it! Anyone who has a problem with him, you deal with ME! Because he’s not doing well getting that bucket off his head.”

PHOENIX (AP) — A man carrying a copy of the US Constitution was arrested while demonstrating outside President Obama’s speech to veterans on Monday.

Hater with hateful hate speech

Although Arizona law currently allows citizens to openly carry a Constitution for purposes of self-defense against tyrants and despots, such laws are usurped in the presence of the President.

“A venue is considered a federal site when the Secret Service is protecting the president and federal law applies on a federal site,” said Secret Service spokesman Ed Donovan.

Because the Constitution contains language “limiting” the powers of President – and was also written by slave-owners who considered blacks to be “three-fifths” of a person and not eligible for the office of the Presidency – the document is not protected as “free speech”. Instead, it’s covered under federal hate speech laws if one is brought within 1000 feet of President Obama.

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said that the incident was being taken “very seriously” and that the FBI was considering further action.

“The US Constitution is a violent and revolutionary document, directly responsible for at least two wars in this nation,” said Gibbs. “Insurrectionist chatter like that may require us to consider charges of treason. We’re currently investigating the possibility, which will take some time, since no one in this administration has ever actually examined the document in question.”

“Free speech is not an absolute,” explained FBI spokesman John Miller. “You can’t yell ‘Fire!’ in a crowded theater. Waving a Constitution around is essentially yelling ‘freedom!’ at a crowded Obama rally. We consider this sort of offensive language a direct threat to civil order in general and the President in particular, and it will not be tolerated.”

WASHINGTON (AP) – President Barack Obama announced that he would buy two TV sets from a 78-year-old Iowa woman who is selling them because she “just got tired of watching him on every channel”.

“Me is so awesome!”

Deloris Nissen, a retired nurses’ aide, said she could live with seeing Obama come on television to make serious announcements, but he seems to be on all the time. When the president does appear on a channel she happens to be watching, Nissen said, she quickly changes channels.

“I have the remote real handy,” Nissen said. “I have the batteries. I’m ready for him.”

Although pleased at the chance to stimulate the economy by buying the televisions, President Obama expressed confusion at Nissen’s stated reason for selling.

“How could anyone be tired of seeing me on TV?” said Obama, “I know I’m not. I can’t get enough of me. In fact, right now, I’m headed off to the Mirror Room so that I can see me everywhere I look. By the way, can you hook that camera into that monitor over there? I want to see me doing this interview.”

Obama said the televisions are exactly what he needs to complete the “Walk of Me”, his name for the series of TV’s that stretches from one end of the White House to the other.

“My goal is to eventually be able to see my glorious visage beaming from a screen no matter where I am,” said the President. “Right now, I could really use one outside the window of the Oval Office. Every once in a while I have to do a photo-op where I’m gazing thoughtfully out the window, and those few minutes when I can’t see a clip of me running on CNN or MSNBC are pure agony. It’s moments like those that make me wonder why I ever took this job.”

“I also still need one in the Bill Clinton Memorial Intern Closet,” Obama added, “just in case I ever stop feeling too skeeved out to actually go in there.”

Sebastopol, California (AP) – Sebastopol police officials are defending themselves against charges of profiling following the arrest of a juvenile at a Little League facility.

Police Chief Jeffrey Weaver said officers acted appropriately in responding to reports of a break-in at the downtown facility. However, attorneys for the juvenile said the police overreacted and used profiling tactics, citing the youth’s clothing, including the gang colors similar to the Latin Kings gang, as well as the sideways wearing of his cap.
(more…)

TEGUCIGALPA, Honduras (AP) — The foreign relations minister in Honduras’ interim government says he has sent a letter to Barack Obama apologizing for a comment he made about the U.S. president.

“Little black man?” Two out of three ain’t bad.

Enrique Ortez says the letter expresses “his most profound apologies” for “an unfortunate comment.”

In a TV interview, Ortez said Obama “is a little black man who doesn’t know where Tegucigalpa is located.”

Ortez says the remark, made before he was named to the post, was not meant to offend anyone.

“I really didn’t mean to imply that Obama was a man,” said Ortez. “But keep in mind that this was said before the frumpy mom-jeans and the girly pitch at the All-Star game. I offer my most profound apologies to the little black woman for my unfortunate comment. I promise never again to insinuate that she pees standing up.”

Ortez also read a statement in Spanish from U.S. Ambassador Hugo Llorens that said: “I express my profound indignation for the unfortunate, disrespectful and gender-insensitive comments made about President Barack Obama, the first little black woman elected to America’s highest office.”

JUNEAU (AP) – After CNN reporter Rick Sanchez questioned whether Sarah Palin’s decision to resign as Governor of Alaska came about because she was pregnant, Palin held a press conference of her own to wonder whether Rick Sanchez was a journalist.

Guilty of disseminating fact-based informational summaries through televised media?

“There might be a couple of other situations that might cause someone to broadcast idle speculation on a national television program,” said Palin. “He might be a sleazy tabloid paparazzi, he might be a conscienceless DNC shill with a black and shriveled soul, or maybe he’s just a sterno-swilling homeless person who has long since lost the fight against the insane and angry voices in his head. But aside from those, is there anything going on with him that perhaps may lead him to want to make this decision? And the one thing that’s still left out there is… hey, could Rick Sanchez be a journalist?”

CNN quickly denied the charge, calling it “outrageous” and “baseless speculation”.

“I’ve certainly seen no evidence of any ‘journalism’ on the part of Rick Sanchez,” said CNN spokesperson Carol Foyler. “Certainly it’s physically possible, given Sanchez’s age, gender, and pretty frat-boy face which – were he to go to prison – would get him passed around like a joint at a Phish concert, but anyone who listened to him for 5 seconds would know he’s not a journalist. I challenge ANYONE to come up with a single shred of evidence that there has EVER been a single instance of journalism from Sanchez, or anyone else at CNN, for that matter.”

“Sarah Palin has obviously crossed the line with her utterly unfounded accusation,” said Foyler, “and if she has even a ounce of human decency, she will apologize immediately. ‘Journalist’, indeed!”

WASHINGTON (AP) – Just in time for the document’s 233rd anniversary, President Barack Obama has issued an executive order apologizing to Great Britain for America’s Declaration of Independence in 1776.

Independence? Dumbest idea EVER!

“It’s time to move away from the failed policies of the past,” said Obama during a Rose Garden press conference, “and the first step is apologizing for the original sin of this nation against the sensibilities of the international community.”

“The Declaration of Independence from the wise and benevolent guiding hand of Great Britain was, in the eyes of some, an important step,” said Obama. “But the manner in which it was handled was an affront to acceptable diplomatic norms. This crude and disparaging document heaped numerous, undeserved insults on the divine ruler of our compassionate and nurturing motherland. It used such crass and dispicable terms as ‘tyrant’ and ‘despot’ to describe the gracious tolerance of King George the Third to the aspersions and indignities heaped upon him by a cabal of ungrateful rebels.”

“Therefore,” declared Obama, “we, the people of the United States of America, do formally apologize and ask for the forgiveness of the descendants and heirs of Great Britain’s people and monarchy.”

Reaction to the apology was mixed.

Vice President Joe Biden said the apology was “a good start,” but noted that if we really wanted to make amends for 233 years of disloyalty, America would have to “show our sincerity with deeds, not words”.

“If we really want to make up with Great Britain,” said Biden, “we need to become more like them. We should adopt their health care system. And their ban on guns. And their ban on knives. Man, I hate knives… I cut myself on one last time I was in my secret undisclosed location under the old U.S. Naval Observatory… hey, this is off the record, right?”

Queen Elizabeth the Second said that she would “consider” accepting the apology if Obama would “take back this stupid iPod and send me a Kindle 2.”

In a study conducted during the 2008 election, Dr. Ray Friedman of Vanderbilt University found that white students received lower scores on standardized tests when they were reminded of McCain’s electoral loss before the test, suggesting that Obama’s presidency is crushing the hopes of young white people.

Run over by the ‘O-train’, these white children squat in the gutter from which they shall never rise.

Friedman said the white students who received lower scores were likely victims of “stereotype threat” — a fear that one’s performance will confirm an existing negative stereotype of a group with which one identifies, resulting in psychological discomfort.

“When McCain fumbled what should’ve been a ‘gimme’ election,” said Friedman, “he was a war hero campaigning during a two-front war against a limp-wristed nancy-boy whose foreign policy experience consisted of being born in Kenya. McCain’s loss created a new color barrier in a very public and important way, robbing white test-takers of their full potential.”

Friedman tested 400 subjects at different phases of the election cycle: before the Democratic convention, and after Obama’s victory in November.

In the first test, the median score for whites was 12.14 of 20. After McCain lost the presidency, whites scored 11.9.

Friedman said that McCain’s influence as a negative role model will damage white children in ways that will be impossible to overcome.

“These stupid white kids have good cause for despair,” said Friedman. “It’s not like they have anyone they can look up to in other walks of life, like music, sports, entertainment, or business. Without a white man as president, they’re doomed to a life of poor test scores and even poorer self-esteem. They might as well start growing a mullet and making a down-payment on a trailer right now, because they don’t have a chance.”

HOLLYWOOD (AP) – Simpsons creator Matt Groening has filed suit against Barack Obama in Federal court today, claiming that the President “substantially appropriated” material from the animated comedy series during a recent speech.

“D’oh!”

“This is an open-and-shut case,” said Groening. “When Sarah Palin gave a speech that repeatedly quoted Newt Gingrich and she only cited his article five times, the Huffington Post correctly concluded that she was a plagiarist. This means that the non-plagiarizing standard is SIX citations, and Obama fell short of that by at least six citations.”

The questionable Obama lines came as he criticized the irresponsible largesse of the Bush administration for creating America’s current financial crisis:

“The reckless fiscal policies of the past have left us in a very deep hole,” Obama said. “Digging our way out will take time and patience and tough choices.”

Groening claims that the quote was “unquestionably” lifted from the 1994 Simpsons episode “Homer the Vigilante“. During the episode’s closing scene, half the town of Springfield is stuck in the bottom of the hole they dug while searching for buried treasure, and the following conversation ensues [quote starts at 20:12 in video linked above]:

OTTO THE BUS DRIVER: Hey, how are we gonna get out of here?

HOMER: [pause] We’ll DIG our way out! [grunts from effortful digging]

CHIEF WIGGUM: No, no… dig UP, stupid!

For his part, Obama denied that any plagiarism took place, saying, “Homer and I do trade ideas all the time, and you know he’s occasionally used lines of mine. Like that thing where he says ‘Why you little!…” and starts strangling Bart? He TOTALLY got that from watching me & Biden.”

[photo credit: SimpsonizeMe.com]

WASHINGTON (AP) – During the White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner, President Obama was caught on tape during an embarrassing moment where he absent-mindedly scratched his face with his index finger after referencing someone with whom he disagreed politically.

Obama’s controversially innocuous gesture toward Michael Steele.

In previous speeches, the President has casually scratched his face with his middle finger while referencing both Hillary Clinton and John McCain. While some right-wing extremist groups have cited these actions as “punk” moves that showed “contempt” for his opponents, defenders of the President’s clean, articulate nature were quick to point out that questioning Obama’s “normal and natural” gesture is childish, absurd, and prosecutable under the USA PATRIOT Act.

“The scratching in question at the Correspondents Dinner,” said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, “took place while the President was referring to RNC Chairman Michael Steele. Obviously the presence of an African-American who didn’t support him unquestioningly was surprising and disturbing to Mr. Obama, like owning a horse that gives birth to a unicorn. It’s just freakishly unnatural. This so unnerved the President that he may have inadvertently used an inappropriate finger to soothe his tingling Spidey-senses. He, of course, apologizes if anyone misinterpreted his uncharacteristic non-derisive gesture toward a despicable race-traitor.”

Michael Steele, the non-object of the non-scorn, made no comment specifically on the finger issue, but WAS shocked by some of Obama’s verbal offerings during the dinner, stating during a recent press conference, “Heezy?… HEEZY?… Yo, G, the wor’ is ‘HIZZY’!… Damn, homey, you street cred be illin!”

SOUTH BEND, IN (ABC News) – The president spoke to graduates at the University of Notre Dame about coming together over disagreements about abortion by finding “common ground.”

“I do not suggest that the debate surrounding abortion can or should go away,” Obama said. “Because no matter how much we may want to fudge it — indeed, while we know that the views of most Americans on the subject are complex and even contradictory — the fact is that at some level, the views of the two camps are irreconcilable.”

Protesters at the university drew a sharp contrast between pro-abortion and pro-life camps The president acknowledged the protesters and their signs, using them to offer his common ground proposal.

“I see the signs that show aborted fetuses in trash cans,” Obama acknowledged. “I understand that you feel the fetuses are actually babies. So let me offer a compromise. All fetuses from federally funded abortions will be thrown in waste bins located at cemeteries. This will allow all sides to maintain their positions with dignity and honor.”

WASHINGTON (AP) – On behalf of the United States, President Barack Obama filed for Chapter 7 bankruptcy today, stating that the nation was “completely incapable” of paying back the enormous debts that it has accumulated.

“Like New! Must Sell!”

“We were barely hanging on,” said Obama “then I guess I got a little crazy – spent three and a half trillion dollars that I didn’t have. Now my accountant says I have no choice but to liquidate. Got some cool cars and a couple banks out of it, but looking back, I’m not sure it was worth it.”

Part of the problem was that 48% of Americans sent teabags to the IRS this year instead of paying their income taxes. Unfortunately, this was the productive 48% of the country that works hard, runs businesses, creates jobs, and earns a profit.

“Although the other 52% of the country DID send in their 1040’s,” noted Obama, “it was all ‘tax-credit’ this, and ‘exemption’ that, and ‘I’m old! Gimme money!’. Cost us billions in refunds, which only made the situation worse.”

“We probably could’ve held out for a bit longer, because I finally got Daschle to pay up,” mused the President, “but then I spent that on an Air Force One photo-op over New York City. In retrospect, I probably should’ve just turned Malia loose with a copy of Photoshop and called it good.”

As a gesture of international good will, the US will be returning some territory to its original owners.

“Mexico will get back all the land we picked up from them in 1848,” said Obama. “Which is fine, since now it’s mostly waterless desert full of rattlesnakes and hippies. Good riddance, I say. Although good luck trying to take back Texas.”

“Fortunately we kept the receipt for the Louisiana purchase, and we’re hoping France will give is our money back. We might only get a partial refund, though, since New Orleans is still a little damp & mildewy”.

WASHINGTON (AP) – The Army announced that they have successfully combined a dinosaur with a sniper rifle to create a self-defending flying sharpshooter.

The ARSS features both a sniper rifle (right) and a bone/enamel terrorist mastication matrix (center)

Dubbed the Airborne Reptile Sniper System (ARSS), this next-generation helicopter drone has a semi-automatic gun mounted on a self-stabilizing turret with built-in zoom camera, and fires 7 to 10 precisely aimed .338-caliber rounds per minute. It also has dozens of foot-long, razor-sharp fangs, giving it both offensive and defensive short-range terrorist-chomping capabilities.

The rifle – a modified RND Manufacturing Edge 2000 – is directed by using an adapted Xbox 360 controller, which plugs into a laptop so that the operator can see what the drone sees. The dinosaur head – a modified Cretaceous period Tyrannosaurus Rex – is controlled by a combination of hand gestures, praise, and Snausages.

Although designed mainly for urban combat and repelling Velociraptor attacks, Army officials hope that it may also be useful in fighting pirates and resolving the “where should we put the Gitmo detainees” problem.

WASHINGTON (AP) – Following recent revelations of harsh interrogation techniques during the Bush administration, coupled with the release of a CIA memo stating that those techniques were effective, the Obama administration has decided to “right past wrongs” and accomplish what the terrorists couldn’t: blow up Los Angeles.

“High value information came from interrogations in which those methods were used and provided a deeper understanding of the al Qa’ida organization that was attacking this country,” Adm. Dennis C. Blair, the intelligence director, wrote in a memo to his staff last Thursday.

Admiral Blair sent his memo on the same day the administration publicly released secret Bush administration legal memos authorizing the use of interrogation methods that the Obama White House has deemed to be illegal torture. Among other things, the Bush administration memos revealed that two captured Qaeda operatives were subjected to a form of near-drowning known as waterboarding a total of 266 times.

“We were shocked when we learned the full extent of the inappropriate techniques approved by the CIA under the previous administration,” White House press secretary Robert L. Gibbs told reporters. “That’s one of the reasons we made the memos public. We want everyone to know what was done, supposedly in our name, and that this administration does not condone such actions.”

Nakatomi Plaza in Los Angeles was the first building destroyed in the Obama administration’s attempt to right past wrongs.

The president plans to go even further, Gibbs said.

“It would be unconscionable for this administration to look the other way, just because those tactics achieved results. It was wrong to use them, and we should not benefit from their use,” Gibbs stated. “The president had directed that, since those tactics obtained information that prevented a major attack on Los Angeles, it is only right that we carry out the attack on ourselves.”

Late last night, the Nakatomi Plaza in Los Angeles was destroyed. It was one of the high profile targets of the operatives that were to carry out the attacks on the west coast.

“We have transcripts of all the information obtained from Khalid Shaikh Mohammed and Abu Zubaydah. They listed all the targets and the time frames of the scheduled attacks,” Gibbs said. “We are looking to compile a list of all those who were at or near the targets on the dates in question. Their deaths were prevented by these illegal interrogation tactics. The president seeks to correct that.”

WASHINGTON (AP) – Responding to the rising threat from right-wing extremist groups, President Barack Obama today proposed a bill that would implement strict controls on the use of tea, a weapon favored by domestic terrorist groups.

Artists conception of crazed, right-wing extremists plotting the violent overthrow of the US government

“One of this country’s founding principles is the right to keep and bear tea,” said Obama, “but with that right comes certain responsibilities. Some radical extremist groups are not living up to their responsibilities, and have used their tea in a criminal and irresponsible manner to disrupt the democratic process and threaten our government offices, our waterways, and even our lawns with acts of criminal tea-dumping.”

The President emphasized that he has no problem with groups that use tea for legitimate purposes.

“Old women, effeminate Brits, and bored housewives who like a cup of chamomile to wash down their Prozac are not the problem,” said Obama. “The problem is that, too often, tea can fall into the wrong hands, and I think that yesterday the whole nation witnessed the tragic results of that. What this country needs is reasonable, common-sense restrictions on tea to ensure the safety of ALL Americans.”

Some of the restrictions proposed by Obama:

* mandatory safety locks on tea cups

* registration of fully automatic teamakers

* halting the sale of boxes of tea that contain more than 10 bags

* requiring permits for carrying concealed tea.

* banning the sale of any tea equipped with a pistol grip, bayonet mount, or flash suppressor

“I believe,” said Obama “that with these few prudent and sensible limitations, we can reduce tea violence in our cities, protect our children from accidental over-caffeination, and halt the uncontrolled flow of our tea into Mexico, all while still fully respecting our Founding Fathers’ admiration for warm, leaf-based beverages that has made this country great for over 200 years.”