From last night’s 1/2 Hour News Hour:
Now that’s a way to humorously hit a political point home.
My DVR seems to have skipped the 1/2 Hour News Hour for a couple weeks, but it looks like it actually is getting pretty enjoyable.
Archive of entries posted on 16th July 2007
The Roundup: Monday July 16th
Welcome to IMAO, the site that entertains but also teaches you stuff you probably didn’t know. In fact, our site is even more important now that the schools in England are going to stop teaching things like history. This is good since England has always been our biggest competitor.
Check out this link. Schools will be de-emphasizing people like Winston Churchill and Martin Luther King in order to emphasize current issues, like global warming and nutrition.
This will give people some important context:
Teacher: Nigel, what is the difference between Martin Luther King and Global Warming?
Nigel: As far as I know, MLK never gave a global concert to raise awareness for anything.
Teacher: As far as I know — That’s TRUE! Brilliant ,dear lad.
Bye Bye, History.
**
When it comes to global warming, this guy didn’t perform at a concert, but deserves a mention.
This British Olympic swimmer, Lewis Gordon Pugh, decided to go for a 1 kilometer swim. (I believe a kilometer is 2.2 pounds.) Anyway, this guy jumps into the water of the North Pole, at 28 degrees Fahrenheit, showing his love and concern for the environment and highlighting the issue of global warming.
I’d have to check my records, but I believe that this feat was not even done by Winston Churchill himself.
This swimmer really cares. At the press conference you could see the lumps in his throat. Or those could have been his testicles.
28 Degrees!
Sorry, I didn’t mean to be so graphic.
Are you craving Chinese food. Many people are dying for it.
Did I say for?
I meant FROM.
Anyway, with all of the latest incidents of food poisoning from Chinese food products, China has taken important action: They’ve put a ban on food from seven American meat importers.
This doesn’t seem to be fair. So there might be a case of salmonella among some of that chicken; does it matter? I mean, the Chinese eat rats!
Check this out and then say, bye bye lunch.
In China, a flooded lake has caused many rats to flee and get caught. What happens to these rats, they end up being sold for food. Yup, that’s the truth!
That’s okay you have to understand Chinese culture.
For example, in China, nothing’s worse than cooking up rats in your restaurant and having the food inspector come in and bust you with American chickens. Those things are gross.
Question: Do people complain about the rat?
Customer: I do not like the taste of this rat!
Waiter: But sir, what is wrong?
Customer: This rat tastes just like chicken!
Weird, I didn’t know Ratatouille was a Chinese dish.
Technically, he isn’t.
Unless he gets caught.
New Jersey Petition Proposes Toy Cigar Ban for Politicians
TRENTON (AP) – After a New Jersey senator proposed a bill making it illegal to give or sell a toy gun to a minor, New Jersey citizens began circulating a petition to ban the ownership of realistic-looking toy cigars by politicians.
“The margin between a politician’s stupid mistake and a tragic ending is far too thin,” said Scott Bach, who’s spearheading the petition drive, “only 22 votes in the Senate, as I recall.”
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Bach started the petition in late June and hopes to pressure the New Jersey legislature to pass a law this fall. He said the movement stems from an incident in Washington, D.C., where a highly-placed elected federal official was impeached after playing “hide the Cohiba” with an intern.
“A politician once used a real cigar to precipitate a constitutional crisis that very nearly brought this country to its knees – the part that wasn’t already in that position, I mean,” said Bach.
“We need to stress to our politicians that cigars are not sex toys, but an adult recreational indulgence which should always be enjoyed with extreme caution and handled without lascivious intent,” Bach said. “Restricting access to imitation cigars will help drive that point home.”
Adultery rights advocates in the legislature plan to fight.
“It misses the mark because it demonizes toys instead of criminal behavior,” said Senator Nicholas Scutari, who serves as chairman of the New Jersey Association of Dirty Old Elected Men (DO ‘EM).
If the measure is enacted, New Jersey would join several other states that have restricted access to realistic toy cigars for politicians.
New York, for instance, got Wal-Mart in 2003 to stop selling toy cigars not imprinted with the words “for external use only”. The retailer has also agreed to stop selling toy cigars in skin-toned colors such as black, tan, and peach and paid $200,000 in civil penalties.
Bach’s proposal would make it illegal to sell or give to any elected official an imitation cigar, which is defined as anything “reasonably capable of diddling a chubby intern.”
Bach said the move would help police and independent counsels figure out whether a cigar is either fake or real, but Scutari said it would be an intrusion upon cheap plastic novelty retailers and consenting adults.
“This bill seeks to intimidate retailers of even crappy carnival consolation prize-like items rather than to address the bad acts of politicians who use imitation cigars in furtherance of sexual adventure,” Scutari said. “An intern who gives a politician a toy cigar would be guilty under this legislation.”
“Sometimes a toy cigar,” said Scutari, “is just a toy cigar, even if it DOES make a great marital aid.”
Defeating Superman
Well, the execs at DC have pretty much killed Aquaman.
If you’ve been reading the Aquaman comic (and judging by the sales numbers, you haven’t), you’d know my character, Orin, was actually killed off in issue #50 and replaced by some teenage wannabe. Also, the new artists looks like he’d be more at home drawing episodes of the Smurfs (and what’s with making Aquafake’s eyes all black; is he part gerbil?). Thus, in an act of mercy killing, it looks like issue #57 will be the last of this Aquaman series.
That means it’s time to plan a comeback!
Obviously, they need to get rid of the phony new Aquaman and return me to center stage. It’s never a big deal to return a comic book character back to life, and I’m sure DC has a drawer full of scenarios to use. Next, we need some big event to make me popular again.
I think I should beat up Superman.
I’m not sure why I would fight Superman — that’s for the writers to figure out — I just know it would be a great story (also, it worked really well for Batman in The Dark Knight Returns back in the ’80s). Now, the challenge is for the beat Superman without kryptonite (any idiot can clunk him over the head with a chunk of green rock; I should be able to beat him with my powers alone).
Here’s my plan:
So, Superman has been ordered to bring me down (why, again, is up to the writers to figure out), and, me obviously being too big a threat for the rest of a Justice League, Superman starts to chase me down. Only thing is, even he’s not faster than me in the water (at least, he shouldn’t be). So I keep swimming away while commanding fish and whales to keep getting in Superman’s way. After a long chase, though, he corners me. So there Superman is in all his arrogant glory saying, “Don’t make me hurt you, Arthur.”
And then I smile. Because now I have him.
WHAM!
I send him flying back with a huge punch. I knock his arrogance right out of him and replace it with fear. Because, all this time he’s been chasing me, I’ve been leading him deeper and deeper and it was getting darker and darker until, from lack of exposure to the yellow sun, his strength starts to wane.
But I’m right in my element.
BAM! BIFF! POW!
I beat the crap out of him. And because I’m a nice guy, I bring the unconscious Superman back to the surface with a note pinned to his cape: “Don’t EVER come after me in MY ocean!”
…Wait, how am going to write a note underwater? Well, there are a few kinks to work out, but I think it’s an awesome plan. Write DC Comics and tell them you want Aquaman — the real Aquaman — to fight Superman and that you’ll buy ten copies each of it.
I Get E-mails
I got an e-mail today!
Hi Frank J..
I gave you money.
I am also giving you an idea:
Since the support for the Congress is lower than the support for the war, then shouldn’t we declare the Congress a failure and demand an immediate withdrawal from Capitol Hill?
Thanks for writing.
Best Regards,
Laurie
Man, I didn’t think people who gave me money would then expect me to actually answer e-mails.
Anyway, I don’t recommend a withdrawal from Capitol Hill. Instead, I support a complete regime change.
Thanks for the letter!
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
IMAO Blogroll
The new blogroll is on the left sidebar!
Everyone is supposed to have a blogroll, but they take so much thought. Do I include everybody and make it huge and unwieldy, or do I keep it small and exclusive and make people feel slighted to not be on it? Anyway, I went with blogs I read all the time plus blogs I think I should read more but sometimes forget about. If you are on the blogroll, you should have gotten a congratulatory e-mail. If you are not on the blogroll, you should get an e-mail telling you that you are a failure with an attachment illustrating how best to kill yourself.
IMAO Condensed: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Yay! Camp!
As the Bush Administration nears the end of its natural term, I can only assume they’re currently preparing to round up the Kwazy Kos Kids into camps the day President Bush announces his refusal to leave office. What activities should they have at the camp? Here’s some of my ideas:
* Canoing
* Wallet making
* Nature hikes
* Sing-a-longs
* Electrocution
What do you think?
There’s Nothing as Dangerous as a Man with Nothing to Lose
There’s some indication that President Bush may be gearing up to attack Iran since he doesn’t think any of his successors will handle it. It could just be a wild rumor, but I think it’s a cool idea. It’s time President Bush focuses on the one thing he has going for him: His approval ratings are so low he can essentially ignore the public’s opinion. That’s true freedom, and he might as well run with it.
FRANK IDEAS FOR PRESIDENT BUSH NOW THAT HE NO LONGER HAS TO WORRY ABOUT PUBLIC OPINION
* Next time Congress doesn’t pass a bill he wants, burn down the Capitol.
* Doesn’t like a country’s attitude? Beat up their ambassador and ship him back to his country in a nailed shut wooden crate.
* Plan and execute an elaborate casino heist.
* Scalp John Edwards.
* Like Disney World, every day at the White House ends with fireworks.
* Announce that, after careful consideration, you’ve ordered air strikes on Latveria. Sit back and watch the confusion.
* By executive order, all restaurants, convenience stores, and school cafeterias must serve nachos.
* Move Department of Defense resources to building a real-life transformer. Demand it makes “that sound” when it transforms.
* Randomly announce a day to be the holiday “Bush Day.” Demand that for the day all TV stations must play Red Dawn in a continuous loop.
* Invite journalists to check out the conditions at Gitmo and then lock them inside as prisoners.
* Give the national anthem a techno beat.
* Start a new war. When the press demands comments, have Tony Snow tell them that you’re “too busy eating pie.”
Today’s Poll
“I Would Love To Share Some Brownie”
Michael Moore’s interview on CNN.
The stunned silences make the piece.
(hat tip Hot Air)
Attention Whore with Crayons
Apparently, Ted Rall has caused new stir with a comic comparing dedicated American soldiers to suicide bombers.
Yawn.
He used to be a big target to bat around, but I hadn’t heard anything about Rall in a while. His ideas are as retarded as his drawing skills, but I don’t see how this particular comic is any more offensive than anything he’s previously done. I doubt his syndicatior is going to care about this if they kept him around this long. I’m fine going to back to not ever hearing about him again as has happened for at least the past year or two. If he really wants some attention, he needs to top his previous idiocy which he could probably only do by actually calling for the murder of troops.
Which I’m sure will happen if he ever has another book coming out.