Welcome to IMAO, the site that entertains but also teaches you stuff you probably didn’t know. In fact, our site is even more important now that the schools in England are going to stop teaching things like history. This is good since England has always been our biggest competitor.
Check out this link. Schools will be de-emphasizing people like Winston Churchill and Martin Luther King in order to emphasize current issues, like global warming and nutrition.
This will give people some important context:

Teacher: Nigel, what is the difference between Martin Luther King and Global Warming?
Nigel: As far as I know, MLK never gave a global concert to raise awareness for anything.
Teacher: As far as I know — That’s TRUE! Brilliant ,dear lad.

Bye Bye, History.
**
When it comes to global warming, this guy didn’t perform at a concert, but deserves a mention.
This British Olympic swimmer, Lewis Gordon Pugh, decided to go for a 1 kilometer swim. (I believe a kilometer is 2.2 pounds.) Anyway, this guy jumps into the water of the North Pole, at 28 degrees Fahrenheit, showing his love and concern for the environment and highlighting the issue of global warming.
I’d have to check my records, but I believe that this feat was not even done by Winston Churchill himself.
This swimmer really cares. At the press conference you could see the lumps in his throat. Or those could have been his testicles.
28 Degrees!
Sorry, I didn’t mean to be so graphic.
Are you craving Chinese food. Many people are dying for it.
Did I say for?
I meant FROM.
Anyway, with all of the latest incidents of food poisoning from Chinese food products, China has taken important action: They’ve put a ban on food from seven American meat importers.
This doesn’t seem to be fair. So there might be a case of salmonella among some of that chicken; does it matter? I mean, the Chinese eat rats!
Check this out and then say, bye bye lunch.
In China, a flooded lake has caused many rats to flee and get caught. What happens to these rats, they end up being sold for food. Yup, that’s the truth!
That’s okay you have to understand Chinese culture.
For example, in China, nothing’s worse than cooking up rats in your restaurant and having the food inspector come in and bust you with American chickens. Those things are gross.
Question: Do people complain about the rat?

Customer: I do not like the taste of this rat!
Waiter: But sir, what is wrong?
Customer: This rat tastes just like chicken!

Weird, I didn’t know Ratatouille was a Chinese dish.
Technically, he isn’t.
Unless he gets caught.

**
From rats to Barry Bonds, this is in no way any kind of transition.
Barry Bonds is close to breaking the major league record for all time homeruns. He’s only a handful of homeruns from surpassing Hank Aaron’s current record.
So what has he done lately? Nothing.
In his last 20 at bats, he’s had zero hits.
After his last game, he was so despondent; he told the reporters that he was ashamed of wearing the Giants uniform. Poor Barry.
Sounds like somebody could use a boost.
Or in his case, a booster shot.
Despite his setbacks, I have to say I’m proud of Barry- Twenty something years after he started playing baseball, he really has grown a lot.
When he started out, he was not only afraid of inside fastballs, he was also afraid of needles.
**
This little tidbit strikes me as funny. This guy, confessed killer Bruce Mendenhall, once ran for mayor in Illinois.
This makes sense, I did some research and discovered that at one point, he bragged about being endorsed the AARP.
Turns out he meant the American Association of Revengeful Psychopaths.
Remember: It’s a bad sign when your candidate has his bumper stickers printed on duct tape.
It’s a worse sign when he asks if you’d be willing to wear it on your wrists.
**
What’s the more threatening thing you can think of? Truckstop killer?
How about Mother and Toddler on plane?
You’re right!
A mother and her toddler son were booted off their flight when the boy irritated some of the flight attendants of ExpressAir.
He was looking at another airplane taking off saying, “Bye Bye, Airplane.” He kept repeating this over and over.
Turns out that this is the WRONG thing to say on an Airplane.

Wrong Thing to Say: Bye Bye, Airplane
Really Wrong Thing to Say: Bye Bye Airplane. BOOM!

If you find yourself in this situation, remember this bit of parenting advice:

Correct Thing to Say: Bye Bye, Luggage.

Now, the airline is defending itself saying that if
a passenger is understood to be compromising the safety of passengers or crew, or if a passenger undermines a crew member’s “authority as the person responsible for safety” on board, they may be removed from the aircraft.
The mother doesn’t think the toddler was a safety issue. The airline is making things up just to create this controversy.
I think this might become another Gulf Of Tonka incident.
**
Sometimes we just have to admit that some people do not like kids.
For example, this restaurant in Chicago has an area for Adults Only.
It means that they won’t be disturbed by screaming kids.
This might offend you, but I think it’s a GREAT idea. Although I’d like to see it apply to every demographic.

At the Restaurant..
Old Person: I can’t believe these prices..
Ducky: Ahem! (Point to sign saying Non-Geezer section.)
Old Person: When I was your age, a steak and a baked potato was a nickel. And it came with a bottle of sassafras….
Ducky: I warned you and your type. SECURITY!!
(Security starts dragging the old man away)
Old Person: (Yammering) …and, and and and and a train ticket to New York was 10 cents, an included a massage!! Noooo.
Ducky: Careful boys. I heard he might be a member of the AARP.

That would be good. And fair.
**
Bye bye now.