BAGHDAD (AP) – Two suicide car bombings struck soccer fans in Baghdad as they were celebrating Iraq’s victory in the Asian Cup semifinal on Wednesday, killing at least 50 people and wounding more than 100, officials said. Insurgents say they will keep up the attacks until soccer fans agree to withdraw from Iraq.

Iraqi soccer players succumb to drowsiness during a recent inaction-packed game.

Insurgent leader Abu Hamza al-Muhajir explained, “soccer is strictly forbidden by the Koran, which clearly says ‘kick not the ball of roundness, for it is an affront to Allah, and boring as hell to boot.'”
“Even if it were not strictly forbidden,” al-Muhajir continued, “the game is very un-Muslim, as it involves neither beheadings nor mutilation. Hockey would be a much more fitting sport, if the Koran didn’t also forbid ice.”
Also cited as an issue is the composition of Iraq’s soccer team, which contains Kurds, Sunnis, and Shias, all working together in harmony. “Where is the hating? Where is the killing?” asked al-Muhajir incredulously. “Iraqi children watch this game! They are being infected by its subversive message of tolerance. This ‘sport’ is unclean, like pigs and Jews, and those who follow its games must be eliminated for the glory of Allah.”
Congressional Democrats held a similar view. “The fans of Iraqi soccer should withdraw immediately,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “Iraq’s team will eventually lose, causing their disappointed followers to wail ‘just wait until next year’ like a bunch of pathetic Cubs fans. I’d hate to see anyone condemned to such a horrible fate.”
President Bush, however, remained steadfast in his support for Iraqi soccer fans. “Even though I think that the most exciting part of soccer is watching the grass grow under the players’ feet, the American people applaud the courageous Iraqis who can manage to stay awake and even feign interest in what is, after all, a little girl’s game.”