Trump could stand in the middle of 5th avenue and shoot somebody and not lose any voters. Obama could have done the same thing and only FOX News would report on it while the other new stations said, “HiS onLY sCanDaL wAs WeARiNg a TaN sUiT.”

I’ve made plenty of pointers to pointers, but I don’t think I’ve ever made a pointer to a pointer to a pointer. That would be like Inception.

If you think there is a scientist who can answer when we should open the country up again, then you have no idea what science is and what its limitations are.

Bezos having a trillion dollars affects me as much as Bezos having a billion dollars which affects me as much as Bezos having eight dollars.

Don’t socialists need even more billionaires like Bezos to be nearly trillionaires so they actually can fund all their ideas by just taxing billionaires?
Right now, you could do 100% tax on the wealth of billionaires and that maybe funds the current budget for about 8 or 9 months. You need way richer billionaires — multi-trillionaires even — if you want to fund everything by taxing them.

It’s my oldest son’s 7th birthday so my wife made him a space alien cake because he likes Harry Potter or whatever.

Tired: #BelieveWomen
Wired: #DestroyWomen

I need to learn how to pronounce “Taika Waititi” so I can stop referring to him as “The Thor: Ragnarok director.” Then again, I once taught myself a mnemonic to remember how to pronounce “Shyamalan,” and where did that get me?

Mnemonic for remembering how to pronounce M. Night Shyamalan’s last name:
A redneck was out on his porch drinking beers with the king of Iran. Suddenly, a meteorite crashes right in front of his house. The redneck jumps to his feet, drops his beer, and shouts, “Shah! Muh lawn!”

Preacher (via Zoom): “Do you believe that Jesus died for your sins and came back to life?”
My 7yo son, sitting on the couch and not looking up from his Art of Legend of Zelda book: “Yes.”

Those “billionaires should not exist” people are like socialist Karens. Most people don’t care about billionaires, but they’re calling the police and saying, “Someone has way more money than me and you have to do something about it!”

Okay, so that Gloomhaven is not only quite a bit overwhelming with all the rules, but it is also really, really hard.

After all this, Texas is going to need to flatten the curve of Californians moving to Texas. Texas can absorb a lot more people from Texas, but not all at once. It needs to be spread out to keep the state safe.

ME: “Ooh. Look at the great prices on these games.”
BRAIN: “Come on. You’ve owned that new Star Wars game for months and still haven’t had time to play it.”
ME: “I can get Far Cry 5 for $5.”
BRAIN: “That is a really good deal.”

The U.N. sent in a special peacekeeping force to stop me since I keep using gendered language like “sexy dames,” but I shouted very loudly and scared them off.

I say we should push back and gender even more words.
Surgeonman
Presidude
Maleman Letter Carrier

The original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle comic was much more realistic as their masks actually served a function since they all wore the same color mask. That way you could never be sure which ninja turtle punched you in the face — at least not enough to hold up in court.

“break” and “continue” always seem a bit like cheating. Might as well through in a goto.
There is such an aversion to using goto in a structured language, but when you compile it, the assembly code is nothing but.

My 9yo daughter watching The Mandalorian doc on Disney+: “They’re all ‘Here’s why we did this. Here’s the story we want. Here’s the feel we’re going for.’ I JUST WANT TO KNOW HOW THEY DID BABY YODA!”

The people who were going after Kavanaugh now saying they never said “Believe all women” is as textbook a case of gaslighting as you will ever see.

I still don’t know the difference between a “char” and an “unsigned char” and cast them back and forth with reckless abandon. A is A, man.
I’m guessing it would make a difference if you bit shifted them, but that’s all I can think of. And I guess in some math it would make a difference, but to me a char is a byte and I ain’t doing algebra with it.
I’d pretty much always just use uint8_t if they weren’t so annoying to type.

“Science says spin around.”
everyone spins around
“Science says cluck like a chicken.”
everyone clucks like a chicken
“Science says hop on one foot.”
everyone hops on one foot
“Stop!”
a few stop
“Ha! Science didn’t say!”

Barely understanding what I’m working on and getting it working anyway is what makes me both a brilliant engineer and a bad one.

Science was once something other than a fetish item for dumb people.

UDP is fun. It’s sending packets on the network without out a net. And they’re constantly falling off the wire.

The nine “Skywalker Saga” movies ranked:
1. The Empire Strikes Strikes Back
2. Star Wars
3. Return of the Jedi
4. Force Awakens
5. Rise of the Skywalker
6. The Last Jedi
7. Revenge of the Sith
8. Attack of the Clones
9. The Phantom Menace

If you’re not for ending city life, you just want people to die.

I assume our six-foot distancing rule is safer than Britain’s weird two-meter rule.

This is like Game of Thrones; I can’t keep track of all the characters in the Trump presidency. I mean, I know I’ve heard the name “Michael Flynn” before, but I can’t remember what his story is.

I’m glad they exonerated Flynn. He had nothing to do with his father’s meth empire.

Is there anyone who sees trying to get the phrase “Trump virus” or “Trump depression” going as anything other than naked politics by soulless partisans?
All they’re doing is making it clear Trump takes things more seriously than they do.

I liked the Seinfeld Netflix special. It started out slow — where I was like “Uh oh. He’s lost it.” — as he was doing a bit I think was only funny if you were in the audience. After that, it was classic Seinfeld.

Remember to give a lot of leeway to people on both sides — those freaking out about the lockdown and those freaking out about reopening. It’s not like any of us has dealt with something like this before and has some standard script to follow.

Weird how knowing one of the people who killed Ahmaud Arbery is a retired police officer helps it make sense to me, because first reaction was “Who in the world would think an armed posse is the response to someone looking around a construction site?” And then I was like, “Oh.”

Elon Musk wants to bring more jobs to Texas? But we already have too many darn jobs here because of our friendly business environment and low of cost of living. I just don’t know. Maybe if he sends me a Tesla, he can win me over.

It is little bit depressing that we have to spend time again explaining why racism is bad, due process is good, socialism is bad, and free speech is good. I thought we covered all this a while ago and moved on to new things.

Eventually California will have extremely rich people and homeless people and no one else.

“If the guy was so innocent, why did he stab me after I tried to strangle him?”

I think part of what’s caused people to jump to conclusions on Ahmaud Arbery is that the attempts at defense of the McMichaels has been so terrible that it only makes it look worse.
“Here’s video of Arbery going for the gun!”
“Wow. Those guys came at Arbery like complete psychopaths.”
“No, that’s not… And here’s video of him committing burglary!”
“Wow. That video proves he was killed for absolutely nothing.”
“No… he committed burglary of the heart!”

Elon Musk is probably the closing thing we have to a real-life Rick from Rick & Morty.

You can’t spend your way out of people not working. That’s not how a country’s wealth works.

Next playthrough of Red Dead Redemption 2 I’m going to have Arthur Morgan where his mask even when I’m not robbing so as not to give TB to anyone else.

I’m actually getting a little worried hearing about all the existing characters that will be in The Mandalorian season 2. It was kind of nice being it’s own little thing.

When people are all “If it saves one life…” I start to fear we’re going to do this every flu season.
The full tradeoffs of opening versus staying shut down is a complex problem, and it’s foolish to put all that decisionmaking in the hands of a small number of fallible people.

Amash is running for president?
We already have Trump and Biden. How entitled do you have to be to think people deserve a third option?

All this pointing out hypocrisy is tiresome. Can’t journalists just admit they’re partisans working to help one side?

“You’re treating these two stories inconsistently. Why?”
“Well, one helps my preferred political party and the other goes against.”
“Oh. I guess that makes sense.”

TRUMP: “Have we tried smoking the virus out?”
BRIX: “Excuse me?”
TRUMP: “I’m asking have you studied settings small fires inside of people?”
BRIX: “Small fires?”
TRUMP: “Like the old man says: ‘Dodongo dislikes smoke.'”
BRIX: “Wha… What?”

I’m not worried about the singularity, but I am worried about what comes after it — the double-arity.

You can square this circle with Biden. Everyone just needs to apologize to Kavanaugh.

2020 is shaping up to be the least important presidential election of our lifetime. It’s really not worth getting bent out of shape about regardless of who wins. So chill and be cool like me. I mean, you can’t be as cool as me, but I’m an ideal you can strive for.

North Korea has put out photographic evidence that Kim Jong Un’s lookalike still alive.

If you want the press to state it as a fact when Trump is lying, they should also just state it as a fact that the Democrats are giant hypocrites on the Tara Reade issue.

My wife got us all dressed up in church clothes for couch church but then decided to leave the camera off of the Zoom meeting since our living room was messy. But God knew we fancy.

The left are like: “Oh yeah, I completely forgot I’m supposed to pretend I think Bush is basically Hitler.”

Before you make something a law, ask yourself, “Am I willing to shoot someone in the face over this?” Because it will be enforced by people with guns.

My advice for Democrats accused of hypocrisy on Kavanaugh versus Biden: Just apologize on how you treated Kavanaugh or shut up. Anything else makes you look like a ginormous tool.

It’s hard to think of a better director to announce for a Star Wars movie than Taika Waititi. I mean, he already directed the season 1 Mandalorian finale; that he can create great Star Wars isn’t even theoretical.

It would be perfectly cromulent for citizens to order a serving governor to have to remain in his or her house, but there is no authority for the other way around.
To be a good American, you have to question these things. It being a crisis is no excuse not to. Would have been nice if during WWII more people were like, “You have no authority to round up law abiding citizens into camps.”

I guess the question is when do we worry more about the unknown effects of keeping the economy shut down this long versus the more known effects of the coronavirus?

I never watched Little House on the Prairie as a kid, but my kids are really into it now.
“Daddy, Laura sold her pony to buy her mother a stove!”
“I don’t know who that is and I don’t care.”

Very religious show. For many Americans, religion is a very important part of their lives, but it seems like you rarely get TV characters like that. Last ones I can think of are Shirley from Community and maybe Daredevil.

A big problem with much of the left is that central to them is this pose that’s what’s motivating them is they really really care about others, but the loudest ones are such blatant a-holes it’s hard to buy that they actually care about anyone.
It’s not a small thing to make it look like Trump cares about the common man more.

If universities have these billion-dollar endowments, there’s the first place to go if you think someone else should be paying off these student loans.

You don’t actually know what’s going to happen and being really sure makes you dumb.

My main fear from the total shutdown of the economy is all the things that will happen that no one is going to predict because we’ve never done this before.

Never trust a libertarian who doesn’t make fun of libertarians.

So what are the estimates on how many this economic shut down will kill?

People claim Trump has made lots of mistakes in his handling of the coronavirus, but you tell them to name them, they just turn away and say nothing.
Oh, wait. That’s because they’re going to get their giant list.

I’m tired of all these ungrateful, whiny socialists ragging on Tom Nook and his loans. If it weren’t for him, you’d never be able to get to have a house on a deserted island in the first place.

It’s really like some journalists wake up each day going “How can I make the public less informed?”

You’d think being less horrible than Trump would be the easiest thing in the world, but going by his opponents, there is nothing more difficult. It’s even harder than not starting a new war in the Middle East.

I just realized I can only vaguely remember what Trump was impeached for. No one’s even brought it up since.
I could remember the details after thinking about it for a minute, but it wasn’t like how “Monica Lewinsky” immediately pops to mind when you think of Clinton. I don’t think the impeachment is even going to make the top 10 in most memorable things about the Trump presidency.
At least not THAT impeachment.

Some people get annoyed at how anti-Trump I am, and I understand because there are people I get annoyed at for how anti-Trump they are.
But I’m the right amount of anti-Trump. If you’re against Trump any more or any less than me, there’s something wrong with you.

I keep thinking of how effective Trump could be if he had a modicum of self-control, but then we also probably never would have heard of him.

Spending a day debating whether Trump did or didn’t tell people to inject bleach kind of does feel like things are getting back to normal.

Wait. I’m confused. Did Trump tell people to drink bleach or inject bleach? Because those are two very different things — one completely idiotic and the other absolutely brilliant.

I’m getting a little tired of people who couldn’t successfully follow an episode of Mr. Wizard talking about other people “rejecting science.”

I think everyone is going to remember this as the year Quibi was launched.

My 4yo used her allowance to buy herself a Rey doll. It’s like a Barbie doll, but comes with a gun.
Yes, I’m very happy my 4yo daughter is into Star Wars… even if it’s the new trilogy.

Everyone thought Rey’s last name was Sue, but it ends up it was Palpatine.

Was the name “Palpatine” ever said in the original trilogy? I somehow knew that name before the prequels, but I don’t remember from where.
Could the name have been on the action figure? I remember my parents mailing proofs of purchase to get me a Emperor action figure. That’s when I first learned what a “week” was in that it would take 6 to 8 weeks for it to arrive.
That brings up another old memory. I never got it, but I remember ads for how you could mail in to get an Anakin Skywalker action figure — but Sebastian Shaw Anakin. That one doesn’t really fit in canon anymore, does it?

“During these uncertain times, have a box of Cheez-Its.”

*Kim Jong Un’s sister takes over*
American Feminists: “Yas! Slay Queen!”
*Kim Yo-jong slays dissidents*

I was throwing a football around with my kids out back, and I my first thought was, “This is just like from the movie The Room.”
“Oh hai, offspring!”

I hate when my kids lie, such as saying they don’t like being tickled. They get tickled for that.

I think a difference between Kavanaugh and Biden is there wasn’t one accusation from the decades of Kavanaugh’s professional life while the accusations against Biden go along with his public creepy behavior.
Whether these accusations will matter with Biden running against Trump is another matter, but the whole thing shows the hypocrisy of the partisans who pretended to care about the accusations against Kavanaugh (if anyone doubted that).

Journalists are not “enemies of the people” — at least not all people. Democrats are people, and journalists will do absolutely anything for them.
I just mean they’re not betraying us to the ants or something.

“Fine” is a complicated word. It can mean “not great” (“How’s the food?” “It’s fine.”) or great (“fine dining”) based on context. It’s its own opposite.
“You’re fine.” can mean “You’re okay.” or “You’re beautiful.” simply based on inflection.

4yo holds up a magnet that is holding onto a metal bracket
4yo: “Look, Daddy! Magnet sticks to metal!”
ME: “Wow. How does it do that?”
4yo: “Um… The Force.”

Saying there are limits to freedom of speech is hate speech and you could go to jail for it.

With this ongoing pandemic and all the misinformation out there, it’s nice how journalists are constantly informing us how much they don’t like Trump.

Can’t wait until we get rid of that obnoxious, incompetent idiot Trump and replace him with an incompetent idiot who is marginally less obnoxious though most likely more pompous.

Graphics card benchmarks are always about FPS when playing Fortnite or Grand Theft Auto V with ultra settings, but I want to know what FPS it gets when you win at Solitaire.

Had to block a few people because they kept responding to everything I say with praise of how smart and right I am. I get enough of that in the real world; I don’t that online too.

Rights > “Science”

I don’t know how people will react when given the all-clear. In places where basically no one knows anyone who got sick and this is mainly theoretical, I can see people going “I got my mask and I wash my hands; I’ll be fine.”
New York, though, I could see people being more scared. Same for some other cities.

It’s people who don’t take the virus seriously versus people who don’t take the consequence of shutting everything down seriously.

I think one thing we learn from all the scientific models about coronavirus infections that also relate to climate change is that when scientists try to put specific numbers on predictions involving complex factors, they’re mainly talking out their posteriors.
I mean, seeing all the deaths with the shutdown, obviously, we’d have a much much larger numbers without these precautions, but all the models quoting specific numbers seem to have no basis in reality.

Can you believe Tommy Boy only has a 42% on RottenTomatoes?

There seems to be a group of people who were actively rooting for as many infections and deaths as possible so they could attack Trump and are now ridiculing the idea of reopening things any time in the next decade.

How did they get babies to eat before the invention of the airplane?

Some people seem to think this pandemic shows how we need a “bigger safety net,” but I don’t know of a safety net that can get people through nobody working unless that safety net is giant silos full of food.
You can’t eat money. And since most of it isn’t printed anymore, you can’t even heat your house with it.
You have to produce wealth first to be able to share it.

If only the whole world could be run by we Gen Xers, the only good generation alive.

So what’s the change of this radically changing cities? I’m thinking more people will be working remotely (no need to live near a city) and more fear of being tightly packed.

A big problem with the whole “go out as little as possible” is that supermarkets are now always out of half the stuff you need.
My wife was able to snag a package of eight rolls of single-ply toilet paper today. That was our first toilet paper purchase since before this all happened as we just happened to get our usual big package from Costco that usually lasts about 6 weeks.
The supply chain needs to make a lot of adjustments to this many people staying from home, but I don’t know if we plan to stay this way long enough for that and prices aren’t going up to motivate those changes.

I’m very curious to get some real numbers on Trolls World Tour. It’s the first big release to go straight to streaming, and how well it did could have a lot of implications for the future.

If you aren’t pushing back at least somewhat against all these new edicts from government telling people what they can and can’t do, you’re being a bad American.

Millennials will all be seniors by the time I master spelling “Millennials.”

Another Trump term sounds great, but so does a President Biden administration. I don’t know how I’m supposed to choose. I think I’ll just have to sit out the presidential election.

Some great evidence that I’m quite wise is that while I loved the pilot for The Walking Dead, I grew bored by the end of the six episode season one and never watched it again.

Am I a fun dad? Well, I say “yogurt” with the same inflection they say “Yo! Joe!” during the GI Joe cartoon title song, so you tell me.

Last time I cried, I was 5yo and had just been shot in the leg. My father immediately slapped me and said, “Be a man!”
I honestly can’t remember full out crying since I was a little kid. I have found myself more vulnerable to tearing up a bit since I had kids of my own. Last time was when the song “Running for So Long” played over the end credits to Peanut Butter Falcon.
Stoicism is a positive aspect of masculinity. Part of the job of a father is project a sense of stability for his family, and extreme emotions don’t do that.

I’m very in touch with my emotions. It’s easy because I have so few of them.

I think a problem with many on the left is they are used to being praised for their hatred and get surprised when something else happens.

I think I like Rise of the Skywalker better each time I watch it. It’s a big, dumb, earnest mess of Star Wars.
It also shows what a misstep it was to separate Finn and Rey for all of The Last Jedi, especially after they had that nice character arc (“You came back for me!”) in Force Awakens.

Partisans end up having to root for things being a big disaster because, if they aren’t, it’s good for Trump. The lesson is do all you can to avoid being a partisan.

Everyone really wants to hear from more millionaire celebrities how easy it is to wait this out.

My 6yo son saw me watching a video of Dan Crenshaw.
“Is that a pirate?”

“No. Politicians primarily steal on land.”

Started watching Devs — completely blind about it other than I knew Nick Offerman is in it — and near the beginning, two people started talking about a subject I knew (RSA vs. elliptic curve). I really braced myself, but they didn’t say anything too dumb.

The well-known FACT that it’s illegal to yell “Fire!” in a crowded theater as never been applied more broadly. Perfectly legal: Yelling “Fire!” in a crowded stadium.
Also legal: Yelling “Poison gas!” in a crowded theater.
For it to be illegal, it must be a theater and “Fire!”

How many people care about climate change right now? We can barely go out and see the climate.

They’re taking our jobs and not letting us get haircuts.
The government is FORCING US TO BECOME LAZY HIPPIES!

Is everyone prepared if places reopen and it isn’t a catastrophe?

As a Christian, I don’t think I’m better than anyone else. We’re all sinners and we’re all beloved children of God.
Which also means, comedy-wise, I can’t punch down.

People like to have a religious faith in “experts” in times like this, but be wary giving anyone too much power or any predictions made on top of lots of complex factors.

Trump suspending immigration is pretty awful, but at the same time I’m kind of baffled at the thought of anyone immigrating right now.

Despite legislation, the minimum wage is and always will be $0 an hour.
It can be less than that, though, if you’re starting your own business.

The tradeoffs for reopening versus continuing to shutdown is one of those extremely complex things I don’t trust any expert on and think should be as localized as much as possible.

I see Beto is going on an angry rant. Did they fill in his skate park with sand?

Everyone agrees Little House on the Prairie jumped the shark when it added the wise-cracking robot.

I guess New York has been pretty successful. You don’t hear anyone talk about York Classic anymore.
I don’t know a thing about regular Jersey, but I’m just going to assume it’s leagues better than New Jersey.

Was always worried about how Jimmy was going to destroy Kim, and now I’m wondering if I was worried about the wrong thing. #BetterCallSaul

When the government hunts down and executes COVID-19 conspiracy theorists, they count that as deaths from COVID-19.

What Bernie Sanders achieved with his campaign was to prove his success in 2016 was just because people hated Hillary so much.

Once again, Bernie Bros, it’s time for you to admit that the Democratic establishment is smarter and better than you. Do not rebel against them in any way; that would destroy them.

If you put a bunch of hopes onto a politician, you deserve to be very disappointed.

People, calm down. They’re all terrible candidates with terrible ideas, and if you got excited for any of them, you’re dumb and everything that’s wrong with this country.

I’m still so surprised Disney+ didn’t have at least one of the Marvel series ready for launch. All they’ve had for original programming is the Mandalorian and a bunch of other shows no one finds worth talking about.

I was trying to explain silent movies to my kids, and I realized it didn’t make any sense to me. They had a phonograph at the time; why not just sync that up? It would take finesse, like syncing a RiffTrax with a DVD, but you assume people would hack it.
So it doesn’t make any sense. Thus, I don’t believe in silent movies.

I’m curious how many people will get this: What’s a similarity between Alien 3 and the 2nd made for TV Ewok movie (Ewoks: The Battle for Endor)?
The answer I’m looking for is both completely nullify the achievements of the previous movie (“I need to save Newt!” “We need to save our parents!”) by opening by killing off the people who the previous movie was about saving.
Maybe there are other sequels that are examples of that, but Alien 3 and Ewoks: The Battle For Endor are the only examples I know.

void Sleep(
DWORD dwMilliseconds
);
A function for magically fixing asynchronous issues.

When seeking treatment for depression, you can help move things along by disclosing ahead of time if you are the great clown Pagliacci.

Took a bit of suspension of belief for Brooklyn 99 this week as it was supposed to take place this April, but they were talking about things other than coronavirus.

My daughter was filling in her own history timeline and put coronavirus for 2020.
“That’s definitely the biggest thing for this year.”
Oh, man, I hope that’s true.

Training a baby is very easy if you are a good parent. I just tell my baby what things I don’t want him to touch and he studiously avoids them because he respects me.
It’s the same with my older children. Once, one of them whined and I told him, “I do not care for that. Never do that again.”
And he said, “Yes, father,” and never whined again. If you are a good parent, children will respect you.

RE: OANN, I don’t get needing a more right-wing alternative to FOX News, but people also want more left-wing alternatives to CNN and NBC News, so I guess there’s a market.

I guess my favorite Bible verse going from how often I quote it is “Am I my brother’s keeper?” I use some variation of that anytime someone asks me where something is.
“Where’s the baby?”
“Am I the baby’s keeper?”
“Yes!”

I love Trump’s “like a dog” formulation.
“He was thrown out LIKE A DOG!”
“He was fired LIKE A DOG!”
“He failed to account for a variety of complex factors when formulating his model LIKE A DOG!”

Many think the NYT is often hypocritical, but they really only have one principle — “blue good, red bad” — and they are never hypocritical about that.

Maybe someone should give those governors a puzzle or something so they have something else to do other than decide what items people are allowed to buy.

Trolls World Tour was cute, though it feels weird paying $20 for a rental. Kids are already rewatching it, though, so we’ll get our money’s worth.

If this coronavirus is really a big nothing and people are just playing it up, wouldn’t Trump have to be in on the conspiracy at this point?

I’m very resistant to looking at paying people who want to work but can’t as charity. So currently we have our housekeeper “on retainer.”
I mean, there is self-interest in this. I would prefer all the services and businesses I like to still be around when all this is over.

This pandemic is showing a failure of capitalism in that it requires people to work. Socialism is superior in that no one needs to work as everything is funded by heavily taxing five billionaires.

I listen to a number of econ podcasts, but I’m way behind so I’m currently listening to ones from early January. I’m excited to hear them catch up to where we are!

If journalists thought that one retweet meant Trump was planning to fire Dr. Fauci, then I can only conclude journalists are far dumber than the average American. If so, what’s the point of them?
I thought the point of them was to give us info we don’t know, but instead we’re the ones constantly having to educate them when they’re baffled by simple things.

I love my Baby Yoda tshirt, but it’s always trouble. Today, every time I tried to hand the baby back to my wife so I could get back to work, he’d start crying as he wanted to keep sitting in my lap and stare at Baby Yoda.

So what do I do with the coronavirus stimulus money? That’s a pretty big chunk of change, but so far my family hasn’t been financially affected by all this.

I think the president is really handling this well. I think the press is doing a great job holding him accountable. I think everyone else is knocking it out of the park in reacting to things in a calm, measured way. And if I can praise myself, I think I’m excelling at dry sarcasm.

Timothée Chalamet. Ansel Elgort. I don’t know where these names are coming from, but they need to stop.

The problem with direct deposit of the stimulus checks is that Trump misses an opportunity to send everyone a check with him smiling and giving a big thumbs up on it.

My main problem with Little House on the Prarie as a kid was I couldn’t get through the title without falling asleep. Hard to think of a more boring name for a show. Certainly doesn’t promise as much excitement as “Airwolf.”

I’m baffled by the people acting like what’s happening exposes some sort of fatal flaw in capitalism. That’s like thinking it’s a fatal flaw that a car won’t run without gas.

Anyone who thinks rent is theft should be given a right to free housing — that housing being a little mud hut. If they complain, they should have that taken away for being a whiny entitled brat.

RE China, it’s possible to oppose Trump without being useful idiots to even worse people.

How about before you criticize people who are helping for being too Christian or criticize Mark Zuckerberg for not donating enough millions, you show receipts that you did absolutely anything to help anyone. Anything.

“Someone once said ‘Don’t try to be a great man. Just be a man, and let history make its own judgements.’”
“Who said that?”
“You did. And it’s gendered and patriarchal. That’s why in the future you’re canceled. Anyway, this is all my way of saying I hate you.”

I’m only 3 episodes into Tiger King, so maybe I’m missing something, but can’t someone make some sort of cheap “tiger chow” that’s like what you buy house cats? House cats’ diet can’t be that different.

Now seems as good a time as any to grow a mullet.

So much different with kids shows how nothing needs an origin story. Like in a show for adults, if there’s a guy with a skeleton face, you want to know how he got that way. But never once as a kid did I even think to ask any questions about Skeletor.

I’m very curious what would have happened had the first time supermarkets ran out of toilet paper, they then raised prices to meet parity with demand.
It’s weird. We’ve decided that scarcity for everyone is more moral than raising prices. But bad things happen when essentials are priced far below their actual value.

The politicians in Vermont who came up with a list of things they thought were “essential” that retailers are only allowed to sell should be put in prison for a year with instructions to spend the time figuring out what they did wrong.

I think that amount of young people who like socialism is less a failure to teach economics than a failure to teach morality. You’re not going to listen to reason when you feel that entitled.

I think the most American, patriotic act possible would be to beat a Nazi to death with a Communist.

If Hillary were president, this never would have happened. She would have used dark magic to stop the coronavirus… though later the demon lord Azeroth would extract a terrible price.

Perhaps we should rethink our relationship with super-evil governments like China’s and maybe a few others.

Probably the biggest flaw of democracy is it seems to select for sociopaths and you’ll only get someone really fit for high office by accident (like Coolidge).
The advantage of our system is though our leaders are pretty much always terrible, it diffuses their power.
The people who are really fit to lead are the ones who would never seek it out. That’s why you can only ever get good leaders in a hereditary monarchy where the leader also has no choice.
Still, our system with only terrible leaders with less power outperforms that one.
In the Book of Samuel, God warned against having any kings at all (perhaps the most libertarian part of the Bible). If only we could get that system to work. I guess we would need a judge to arise to lead us out of this pickle.

“You’re really calling the cops over that? You know what they say: ‘Snitches get stitches.'”
“Can I… can I get a different 911 operator?”

Other than all the things going horribly wrong, things are going pretty well.

If aliens attacked, do you think we’d all band together then or would there be a bunch of people going “Let’s call it the Trump Alien Attack!”?

Watched Lego Movie 2 with the kids today (part of that free HBO). I didn’t hear much about it when it came out, but it was great! I love the “Not Evil” song.

Going to tell my grandkids about the deadly flu pandemic where I had to stay at home and watch streaming TV while having food delivered.

How about as a compromise, our only retaliation against China will be to imprison President Xi, but in prison we’ll give him all the honeypots he can eat.

I told my kids their punishment was no more screens for the rest of the decade. My 9yo argued that only meant no screens until 2021, and I’m kind of proud for her being that pedantic.

As I watch reporters criticize a President Trump for not being fascist enough during a pandemic, I realize reality has now gone so ridiculous it’s no longer a comedy and instead is some weird, abstract art house film.

I think I like Pandemic Legacy Season 2 even better than the first (just finished July). While in Season 1 it could be a little boring to repeat a month as nothing big would change, big rule changes can happen at any time in Season 2.

One of the biggest causes of tension right now in Better Call Saul is you have no idea how Kim Wexler is going to react in any situation.
In a way, she’s a good match for Jimmy. But you’re also pretty certain he’s going to eventually destroy her.

I can’t take it anymore. I’ve been to the Hague. I ordered the cheese fries. They said I must have confused them with something else. What is going on?

When I put the patch on my 4yo eye to help correct her lazy eye, I call it “Fury Time” since it make her look like Nick Fury. Also, it makes her mad.
She doesn’t know who Nick Fury is.

Does it ever bother you that chimpanzees don’t have mustaches?

What’s the most dangerous animal?
Man.
What’s the second most dangerous animal?
Centaurs. Because they’re half man.

Mammals that eat ants are weird. You got an anteater that spiky and lays eggs (echidnas) and an anteater that a big chunky, scaly lizard (pangolin). So don’t eat ants or you’re going to be a weirdo.

Why don’t the Democrats just admit Biden is a powerful, unstoppable force and end the primary?

I believe all women. Unless I don’t like what they’re saying.
I have the same policy with men. And macaws.

The same people went from “Trump’s a fascist and must be stopped at any cost!” to “Whoa! You guys are getting a little touchy about suddenly losing all your rights.” pretty quick.

I think the moon is much cooler when you can see it during the day when it’s just this huge rock floating up there in the sky. At night, though, it’s this weird glowy thing.

Just got Rise of the Skywalker on DVD and my 4yo daughter is way too excited to rewatch that mess.

My 4yo daughter’s ranking of Star Wars characters:
1. Rey
2. Ben Solo
3. Leia
4. Darth Vader
5. Anakin (really? also, redundant)
6. Obi-Wan
7. Finn
8. Ashoka Tano

Though Rise of the Skywalker is a mess and makes no sense, it’s a fun mess. I guess that makes it like Return of the Jedi.

I want to be like Jesus, so I never apologize.
I mean, I assume Jesus never apologized since he never did anything wrong. I guess I could also never do anything wrong to be like Jesus, but I think when trying to be more Christ-like, you need to be realistic.

So how are toilet paper manufactures handling this toilet paper stupidity? It seems like at some point someone has to raise prices until supply and demand stabilize.
Bad things happen when things are priced below their actual value, and right now toilet paper (and some other goods) are obviously priced well below their actual market value.

I thought that Marvel New Warriors thing was a lame joke some right-winger made up.

I can’t believe we actually need the government to give a giant handout and they can’t figure it out. They’re like that character from the Lego Movie who wants nothing other than to build a spaceship and you finally say, “Okay. We need a spaceship.” and he just freezes.

What if we need to eat more bats until we find the bat with the cure in it?

The government is going to send everyone enough money to buy an AR-15 — a nice one with like a scope!

So do socialist just hate all landlords?
I swear, there has never been anyone in all of human history more entitled and privileged than socialists in first world countries.

People don’t just need money. They need work.

Just got in the mail my renewed concealed carry permit, which is kind of ironic.

Rooting for Trump to fail right now is just plain evil.
Even the dimmest view of Trump has to admit a lot more people would be hurt now by Trump failing now than by him serving a second term.

Is anyone actually surprised by the jobless claims? Did you hear about the pandemic?

The proper name is “the Chinese Spanish Flu.”

Though completing the census sounds fun, don’t do it! It’s a trick by the government to try and count everyone!
I’m tired of these clearly unconstitutional government overreaches.

Dogs who tilt your head sideways when you don’t understand things, has that every worked?
“Oh. Now that I rotated everything twenty degrees, it’s all clear to me.”

A lot of people excited about reporting USA is supposedly the most coronavirus cases (believing China’s numbers).
Such weird times.

The point of journalism is to be objective and report the news, which they suck at. But instead journalists seem to think their job is to influence people to their point of view. Which they also suck at.

One of my favorite things right now is my 9yo daughter has started playing around on the piano until she figures out various video game theme songs. She now does a great version of the Legend of Zelda theme, Zelda’s Lullaby, and the Luigi’s Mansion theme.
Another favorite thing is that my 4yo, despite never having seen Arrested Development, does a pitch perfect imitation of Lucille being surprised by Gene Parmesan that she does whenever she’s excited by something.

Yeah, tough time for Biden campaign. Trump has this chance to look like a big hero and any time Biden speaks he just sounds like some random guy in the comments section going, “Here’s how I would have done it…”
I honestly don’t know what he can do that would actually help. It’s a tough hand for everybody.

In the darkest of times I cheer myself up by thinking of Hillary on election night 2016.

We’re showing our kids The Goonies. If they don’t like it, we’re getting new kids.

The Goonies was a good representation of how things were growing up for us Gen Xers. No helicopter parenting; instead we just ran around cave systems without supervision.

There’s no time right now to care about the sexual assault allegations against Joe Biden. We’ll get back to it in October.

I just tune out now when it’s reported what Trump just said. That’s because we have years now of him saying crazy stuff and also at least half the time the media is misrepresenting what he said. It’s pointless.

Libertarians are a bunch of psychopaths who think it’s possible for people to organize and work together without a big entity with lots of guns constantly threatening people with violence and imprisonment.

For some reason I have a lot of trouble with actors with three names. I just referred to “Patrick Neil Harrison,” and no matter how many movies he’s been in, I refer to that one guy as “that kid from 3rd Rock From the Sun” since I can never remember his name.

Zoom has been quite a blessing. Despite all this, our church can still meet together.
There are so many blessings like that of the modern age that it’s hard to keep track of them to be thankful.

The left needs to find a way to look less gleeful about the coronavirus thinking it’s an issue to use against Trump. The way things are going, Trump could completely screw things up and get re-elected because at least he’s not cheering on people dying.

There was no reason to jump on the “U.S. is number one in Coronavirus cases!” unless you’re so partisan it ruined your critical facilities.
It’s just another example of people thinking they have a great attack on Trump and then getting so over enthusiastic that they end up looking way worse than Trump.

Even if we’re yelling at each other about politics, we’re still all in this together. That’s being an American.

I love how all events confirm all my priors.

Trump could stab a man to death during a press conference, but if he then called a reporter a “doo-doo head,” that would be the lead story coming out of it.

No money in that relief bill should go to funding the arts unless it’s to ensure the next season of Baby Yoda isn’t delayed.

The way the news media is completely credulous about even the claims from brutal authoritarians in China because that currently goes with their partisan leanings is why I’m not looking forward to another Democrat as president.
The thing is, I don’t believe this grotesque media bias actually influences anyone. I doubt anyone is left trusting these people who don’t already drink the same Kool-Aid.

VidAngel has Tiger King. Maybe I can finally find out what everyone is talking about (my wife and I are very offended by Tigers so we were waiting for VidAngel so we could remove any images or references to them).

I dunno. I think for a free country dealing with a black swan like this, I don’t think we’ve done that terrible.

If the Trump press conference didn’t give people some new thing to yell at every day, they’d just be screaming at their cats.

“My grandma is trapped in a burning car and Trump is doing NOTHING!”
*Trump rushes to the burning car and pulls out grandma*
“Well, of course Trump saved her. She’s a RACIST!”

Journalists are convincing me that Trump doesn’t insult them enough.

I love my Baby Yoda tshirt, but it has some negatives. Random people will try to talk to me about it when I’m out and about (not a problem now), and my 1yo ignores me and instead tries to talk to the Baby Yoda on my shirt.

The only mask I have is a werewolf mask but I guess it’s better than nothing.

“Go to bed, sweetie. Mommy and Daddy are watching a show.”
“What are you watching?”
“A documentary about… tigers. Because we like to be educated.”

I’m glad this crisis is giving people more opportunity to mindlessly dunk on Trump over absolutely everything. That’s as helpful as that always is.

It’s become impossible to sort when Trump is being a buffoon from when journalists are being buffoons.

“I wish absolutely everything in the news wasn’t about Trump.”
*everything in the news becomes about the coronavirus*
“Oh no!”
*everything in the new becomes about Trump’s reaction to the coronavirus*
“Oh no no!”

I’m way ahead of all you suckers. I washed my hands over a year ago.

So how much worse does it have to get before everyone drops the stupid partisan politics? Because I’m actually kind of looking forward to that.

Ain’t nothing free. The question is always how do you have enough of supply and control costs, a question free markets are 1000x better at answering than the next best solution.
In my dream world, there would be a party answering the slouch towards socialism in health care saying, “We don’t want to be like the other countries. We want to be better” and putting forward a way to let markets work in health care, but alas.

I can’t do social-distancing. Everyone loves me.

D’oh. Had a Bee article pulled today because it was too similar to one from The Onion a few years ago. Got reamed by the chief. Threatened to take away my satire gun and badge.
I try to limit all my joke theft to The Simpsons.

Hey, baby, you up for some social-closening?

I’m just tired of this childish nonsense where you think you can say “Everyone should have this!” and then everyone magically gets it. The challenge is supply and cost, which is the challenge free markets excel at.
Having a free market in health care is a human right, but it’s long been infringed.

Free markets are a human right.

I know from the warnings about vaping that nicotine is addictive, but they never explain what’s bad about being addicted to nicotine other than you constantly needing to vape and thus look like a cheese bag.

The goal now is to be able to look back and say we all overreacted.

With everyone so gloomy, I feel like I need to come up with some hopeful satire, but that’s a hard code to crack. Detached and cynical is so much easier.

If you need tips on what to do other than watch sports, just talk to the nearest dork.

As someone who has worked from home for years, my main tip is to make sure your office door can be locked from the outside. Inevitably, you will go insane and you want to give your family some way to protect themselves.
Oh, and shower and dress before your work day or you’ll feel like a bum.

People have been so jumping a gun to blame Trump for a super plague he’s probably going to get a popularity boost if it’s anything under the worst predictions.
“Hey, he didn’t do as bad as they said.”

I wonder if you can get people to hoard something just by buying a lot of some random thing so people are like, “I better get some before they run out!” Like if you bought up 2/3rds of the WhiteOut.

“Daddy, can I have a hug?”
“No, I’m social distancing.”
‘What’s that mean?”
“Learn it from context. The context of me not hugging you.”
This is my opportunity to be that cold, aloof father like I’ve always seen on TV.

Is it ironic or apropos that this pandemic has finally given us time to finish playing Pandemic Season 1?

I’m not a very good liar. My main tip is to not say, “Yeah, that’s the ticket!” after making something up, but it’s nearly impossible.

The people using a temporary shortage during a pandemic to try and excuse the constant shortages in socialism are as morally despicable as racists. It is a choice to be that dumb and ignore the benefits of free markets and the hideousness of controlled economies.

This idea that all it takes to give everyone everything they need is to just pass a law saying people get that thing is like believing in Santa Claus. Unfortunately, we have a large segment of the population who are hurt and angry we won’t all just trust in Santa.

I don’t know who decided raising prices was a worse thing than scarcity, but I would hit that person with a stick if I could (a stick of at least six feet in length to maintain proper social distance).

Every day, 500 billion people die from student debt. With the amount of money Jeff Bezos spends on one yacht, we could get rid of all debt and each have a rocket jet pack.
If we confiscate all the wealth of billionaires, we can spend all day making terrible art as none of us will need to work again except for one guy we’ll have to enslave and make a janitor so things don’t get dirty. His name is Steve and we’ll all be programmed to hate him.
This is perfect socialism.

I’ve never disliked a politician’s politics so much I wished physical harm on him or her. I guess I’m just not as caring and passionate as other people.

If coronavirus is everywhere, why can’t we see it? That’s because the government tells us it’s “invisible” and will “kill us.” This sounds a lot like the last made up thing the government tried to scare us about, electricity.

My wife doesn’t like how I growl “Get over here!” every time I grab the baby… even though it’s a pitch perfect imitation of Scorpion. Some people like to be unhappy.

I think I’d be a great ruler. And I’d have only one rule: Do everything I say or get thrown down a well.
The main concern I hear with this is “Do we have enough wells?”
We’d build more wells. The entire landscape would be dotted with wells.
The other question I get is “What happens to people after they’re thrown down a well?”
I don’t know. I’m not some sort of well expert. I just know that they’re holes in the ground that, if you throw people down them, immediately after they no longer annoy me.

Biden says he’s going to pick a woman as VP? Can anyone even define what a woman is anymore?

It’s a woman’s right to control her own wallet. And if she finds abortion horrific and wants no part of it, she shouldn’t have to pay for it.

Bernie loves authoritarian dictators. It’s good to keep in mind that he’s just as likely to kill or imprison you as give you health care.

This is all really scary. I just want you all to know I love you… even the losers and the haters.
Know what? Especially the losers and the haters. Just all please lose and hate from some place safe.

I’m getting a little sick of people who think all this coronavirus chaos is a great opportunity to dunk on Trump. Why do you pretend to be so bothered by Trump’s awfulness if you’re even worse? You should find how much he achieved despite being terrible a personal inspiration.

Has Frozen had a bit of backlash? I feel like everyone has a recent era Disney movie they think is better. For instance, I think Moana is way better.
I’d define recent era Disney movies as any where Alan Tudyk voices a character plus Tangled.

I feel bad for how excited I am to not be going anywhere for the near future. I do my best to not feed my introversion, but no helping it now.

The all-time record for social distancing is Michael Collins.

I have to say, I had never heard anyone call it the “China Chinese Virus from China” before Trump.

Is there anyway Disney could get the new episodes of The Mandalorian out sooner? Society could really use some more Baby Yoda right now.

Got supervillains trying to make bioweapons deep in underground lairs when all you gotta do is eat some bats.

I forgot the Democratic primary is still going on. Could you imagine risking your life to vote for Joe Biden?

Food is even more of a necessity than health care, but it’s just something we never have to think about — at least on the supply side. It’s nice now to at least for a while recognize all the people who keep our supermarket shelves stocked.

I think we all may be starting to realize that our relationship with the Chinese government is poisonous in a number of different ways.

It’s racist to call the Wuhan Virus the Chinese Virus.

How about we call it the “Evil, Corrupt Chinese Government Virus”? Is that clear and not racist enough?

ME: “If you want to get the new Animal Crossing, it will be $60 plus maybe another $5 tax.”
9yo: “How about I pay the $60 and you pay the tax… or you pay the $60 and I pay the tax.”

100 years from now.
“In 2020, millions were killed by a coronavirus, but we’re glad they’re dead because they called it something that could be racist.”

What’s worse? Being a racist or being a mouthpiece for the evil, oppressive Chinese government? I feel like one of these doesn’t get enough outrage.

I dunno. Might be best to deal with the crisis and worry about blame afterwards.

Capitalism is free markets. When you hate capitalism, you hate freedom. And that makes you a bad person. Like you know how much you claim to hate racists? You’re just as morally awful and your views are just as destructive.
There is no economic system that will make you happy when you’ve chosen to be ungrateful and miserable no matter what privileges you’ve been given.
I’m baffled people are using a pandemic to rant against capitalism. What is the economic system that would do well in that?
I know free markets are the ones that will adjust quickest to rapidly changing circumstances as everyday it’s reacting to billions of pieces of data.
Any other economic system involves some corrupt bureaucrat reacting to a few dozen pieces of data, if that many. The next best system is many orders of magnitude inferior.
But it does have something people love: control over others.

I guess it’s easy to judge if you’ve never eaten bats. Maybe as soon as you bite into one, you’re like, “Wow. This is worth five pandemics.”

It would be morally wrong to force anyone pay back those student loans other than:
A. The students who took out those loans
B. The colleges who caused them to go into so much debt

As part of our isolation, we found our TV remote that had been missing for months. It was inside the couch.
“Months ago, did you put the remote into a hole in the couch?”
*my 4yo looks at me and smiles*
“No.”
*goes back to pretending to read a book*

Our youngest son’s middle name is Winchester, which means for nicknames we call him “Win,” “Win-Win,” “G.K. Winchesterton,” and “Winnie the Flem.”

I watched Uncut Gems. Didn’t live up to the hype for me. And I ended up in the doghouse for subjecting SarahK to it.
Main thought at the end: Is anyone going to pay back Judd Hirsch?

Any legitimate criticism of Trump is always buried under a mound of garbage criticism. To defeat Trump would take a modicum of restraint, but partisanship ruins people’s minds too much for that.

Heard what sounded like rain, but instead of standing up to walk one foot over and look out the window, I glanced at my Apple Watch.
“Yep. It’s raining.”
Don’t worry. Eventually my watch will tell me to stand up.

One important thing after all this is to make sure we don’t go back to the status quo with China. They’ve been too poisonous to us in too many different ways.

The people who think this crisis is a great opportunity to attack Trump just keep proving they care even less about their fellow Americans than him.
You go to war with a virus with the president you have, not some fictional super-competent one that exists only in your head.

Most of the time I’m happy that Congress is a bunch of idiots caught in gridlock and doing nothing, but this is one of those times I wish they were marginally competent.

We need student debt forgiveness in the bill or no deal. If we can’t have very specifically targeted relief for the privileged idiots out spreading coronavirus at the beach, then we might as well all die.

My 4yo daughter loves Star Wars right now and I plan to water and cultivate that. Currently her favorite character are Rey and Ahsoka Tano, but hopefully I can eventually push her toward the original trilogy.
It goes without saying she also loves Baby Yoda, as does anyone with a soul.

A functional media would be scouring those bills for anything that doesn’t actually have to with the coronavirus crisis and shaming whoever put them in there.

We got to get off this absolutely idiotic aversion to prices being raised. That’s so much better than shortages despite all the cries of “PriCe GoUgInG!”

People keep insinuating that the entire economy grinding to a halt will only hurt people with big stock portfolios, but I don’t think they’ll be the most affected.

Compromise: Everyone goes back to business as normal… but while wearing hazmat suits.

The problem right now for a crisis is we have a bad president and a media very invested in making sure he fails.

When stocks keep having these huge jumps and drops right after the other, it just makes stock traders seem like a bunch of idiots.

It seems like Biden is suffering from dementia, but at least it’s not so bad he thinks socialism is a good idea.

I can’t believe Bloomberg listened to Bernie about how billionaires can buy elections. That guy doesn’t know anything.

My guess is Amy Klobuchar would have been the Democrats best shot out of all the viable candidates they had. Biden is the next best.
But they’re probably going to lose either way unless the economy tanks.

It’s funny; if you took one of those “Which Democratic candidate do you agree with most?” quizzes, you would get Bloomberg if you were anything other than a crazy lefty, but, still, nobody liked him.

Right before Buttigieg dropped out, I think I finally cracked the code on how to say his name. It’s “boot-edge-edge”, but you have to say the “edge-edge” part as fast as possible and kinda slur it together.

Life is precious and fragile and always worth fighting for.

So like millions of times a year, people engage in the reproductive act, create new life, and then just kill their offspring?
Maybe people shouldn’t do that.

Why do all these people mourn what happened to Warren but don’t say a thing about Klobuchar who wasn’t terrible?

This was the first presidential election where a major candidate was younger than me but all the candidates finally settled on are older than my parents.

I think the thing that finally did Warren in is that she’s terrible.

Does Tulsi Gabbard know she’s still in the race?

Bernie Bros need to give more latitude to Warren supporters and understand that they never really believed in progressive causes and were happy to stop Bernie.

I think a Biden/Klobuchar ticket would be pretty strong, but after 2016 I’m still pretty sure I know nothing.

I probably spend 99% of my time thinking about temporary things and only 1% on things that are eternal, but it’s a start.

I guess all the mewling about billionaires makes more sense if you think each one is walking around with enough money to make everyone wealthy when in fact their combined wealth is just a drop in the bucket of government spending.
I’m not sure this is a small point. People like Elizabeth Warren keep claiming they can pay for everything by taxing billionaires which is insane when you do the math, but maybe some people when you say “billion” they think “infinity dollars.”
Billionaires are nothing compared to government spending. If you confiscated all their wealth, that won’t even get you through one year. They can’t fund Medicare for All and all your other giveaways. They can’t even start.

If I had one million dollars, I’d give one million people one million dollars and then steal it all back and be even richer.

Mike Bloomberg has enough money to buy everyone in this country a used Xbox, so why doesn’t he? For one, there aren’t enough used Xboxes, and if one person started buying them all up that would cause their prices to inflate until they cost more than a new one.

It’s hard to quantify exactly how much wealthier we are than in the past. 100 years ago, average U.S. salary was around $1300. Adjust for inflation ($16,800) and average salary is about 3x that, so you might say we’re on average three times richer.
But if I offered to give you ten times your salary but you could only spend it on things that were available in 1920, would you take that deal? If you said no, then that suggests we’re at least 30x richer.
For the record, I would not take that deal. I like computers, and it’s possible one of my children would have died without modern health care.

The only way to prove the reason Elizabeth Warren’s campaign failed was because of sexism is for her to run again wearing a fake mustache.

The government can’t guarantee anyone anything. It can just confiscate other people’s earnings to pay for things, but it can still run out of other people’s money and run out of supply of whatever it is everyone has now decided they “deserve.”

How about a compromise: Don’t threaten to take people’s guns and then people with guns won’t threaten you back.

People are sharing that “give everyone $1 million” tweet and news report as “look out dumb this is” and yet people still keeping picking it up and missing the stupidity.
People want to believe billionaires are walking around with enough money to make us all rich.

You can’t pay for everything you want taxing the rich. We can’t even pay for the current proposal taxing the middle class.

Man, I’m worried for anyone this year whose income relies on tourism.

I work from home and we home school, so we’ve been ready for coronavirus for a while.
I also have a one year old with Down syndrome who we already worry enough about him getting sick with regular illnesses, so we’re not super cavalier here.

With this whole coronavirus thing, I’m worried about my mom. I mean, she’s not Democratic presidential candidate old, but she’s up there.

Batman came up with his persona when a bat flew in his window. I assume Green Arrow came up with his while making a left turn.

If the floor really was lava, the extreme heat would still kill you even if you were standing on a chair.

You can make a good college try to provide modern health care to everyone, but it will never be a “right.” In the U.S., people should really understand rights better than that; it’s essential to this nation continuing.
Modern health care is a privilege, not a right. Most people throughout human history lived without it. We only have it because of the labors of our ancestors. We don’t deserve it; we just got lucky what era we were born in.
I’m sure a hundred years from now, people will look back and not consider us lucky compared to what they have then, if it’s any consolation.
Thinking we “deserve” all our modern conveniences instead of being grateful for them is certainly the first step toward losing them.

Our grandchildren will be whiny and ungrateful for things we can’t even imagine.

No joke, I’m getting worried about Bernie and Biden and the coronavirus. They’re both very old and going around the country hanging out in crowds.
Can’t the rest of campaigning in 2020 be done via arguments on Twitter?

My 4yo’s new favorite phrase is “We’re all gonna die!”
Anytime anything goes wrong, she yells, “We’re all gonna die!”
It’s very cute.

Maybe it’s a little late to admit this, but while I got all the James Bond references in Austin Powers, I have absolutely no clue what his clothing and mannerisms are supposed to be parodying.

Maybe people do you think Biden has dementia but still think that makes him smarter than Bernie and more trustworthy than Warren.
I’m just saying the Democrats have a lot of terrible candidates and maybe everyone is grading on a curve.

People keep talking about Biden’s cognitive decline, but what about Bernie? People talk about how consistent he’s been, but that’s because it seems like he’s learned absolutely nothing since the early 80s. I think he has the same disease as that guy from Memento.

Maybe we should have a contest on what to call the virus and then start calling it Virusey McVirusface.

We use the alcohol in hand sanitizer to kill bacteria and viruses, but what happens if an Irish virus evolves that LOVES alcohol?
“Oh no! The hand sanitizer is just making the virus DRUNKEN AND ANGRY!”

Does it mean it’s not a crisis yet that for so many people, their reaction to the coronavirus is “This is a great way to dunk on Donald Trump!”?

Wealth of Nations was a pretty dry boring read, but man some bits of wisdom in it really stuck with me. One was really hammering the fact that a nation’s wealth is its labor and productivity. The gold money only represents that.
Smith talked about how just amassing gold would never make a nation richer — eventually all that would do is cause the value of gold to drop. Increasing wealth is increasing the productivity of the land and people a nation has.
A lot of socialists just think you can magically have whatever you want (“the money is out there!”) but the real question is how do you have the labor to make everything you want. The best answer to that, of course, is the capitalist system, the one adept at figuring that out.
Also, that all reinforces how we’re in for an economic hit with the coronavirus. If people can’t work, there’s no remedy for that. All the money in the world can’t get you goods if no one is producing them.
Anyway, just happy I learned anything from Wealth of Nations as my eyes were glazed over for 99% of it. The other real eye opening thing about it was the magic of banks, but I’ll save that for another time.

“Honey, because of the coronavirus, the CDC says we’re all supposed to stay home and play video games.”
“I don’t think the CDC recommended we play video games.”
“Well, they heavily implied it.”

“Actually, if we’re home, there’s a bunch of home improvement projects we can do. Plus some spring cleaning.”
“Um… the CDC labeled those all ‘high risk.'”

Learned a new term today. While my wife was at our homeschooling co-op, our baby got accused of being “color-struck,” which is a polite way of saying “Your baby is racist.” So then my wife is running around trying to prove he isn’t racist. Feels like a premise from Seinfeld.

“He isn’t racist. You were just loud near him and he gets scared of loud people.”
“Uh-huh.”
“He lets Emily hold him, and she’s black too.”
tries to hand the baby to Emily, but he quickly turns around and clings to his mother
“Um… he’s a bit shy today.”
“Uh-huh.”

Tough world. He just turned one and he’s already CANCELED.
Well, if he’s racist, it’s not because of me. I showed him a book of people of different races and told him, “See all these people? Don’t hate them.”
I don’t know what else you can do.

Because some people are getting angry at this, I just want to be clear it was all done humorously. It’s a Christian co-op and we all love each other.
So we don’t get smoten.
And as soon as he’s old enough to speak, we’ll have him apologize for his racism.
The lady who accused are baby of being color struck also made it clear that 75% of our kids are definitely not racist, which I think is pretty good.

My 9yo overheard my wife and I talking about the election and wanted to know more, so I told her all the basic facts about Joe Biden — VP for 8yrs, etc. This did not satisfy her.
“But is he a good guy or a bad guy?”
patting her on the head “They’re all bad guys, dear.”

With Biden versus Trump, we’re going to have a presidential debate without one single coherent sentence.
Do we even need presidential debates? Wouldn’t it be more informative if they just fight it out every day on Twitter?

I fear to ask this, but will the coronavirus affect Baby Yoda?

There are two things that get me through the darkest times:
1. My faith in God and knowing He will always look out for this children
2. The sight of Baby Yoda

Everyone should hear this EconTalk podcast with Kevin Smith (not the filmmaker) of the Surgery Center of Oklahoma that is cash only (no insurance). It sounds like libertarian propaganda how big a difference that makes.
With actual prices and the lack of perverse incentives that’s invaded most other hospitals (which he goes into detail about) you end up with both cheaper prices and the doctors making more money.
And he notes he has many times gotten Canadians who find paying a few thousand less costly than waiting possibly a few years for “free.”
It would be nice if someone prominent was pushing a free market solution to health care–a core value of our country and the same engine that got flat screen TVs from $10,000 to $200–but right now there seems to be only people pushing more socialism or just shrugging.
The free market could also help college costs, but you’d have to get the government to stop trying to “help,” and that scares people.

The only reason Bernie is still in the race is so that he can weaken Biden enough that Tulsi can win.

I’d say the most annoying thing in Red Dead Redemption 2 is the weight mechanic. I have no idea how it works. It just seems like you have to keep stuffing your character’s face full of food at every opportunity or you’ll be losing weight.
I ate a steak and a can of beans; is that enough? There’s no feedback. Just keep giving food or he’ll become emaciated. Technically, it’s supposed to be possible to become overweight, but I’d guess you’d have to spend 99% of your time eating for that to happen.
Red Dead Redemption 2 has become one of my top ten games of all time, but that part is so so stupid.

Maybe if Biden’s people sit down and carefully explain to the Bernie Bros that all their ideas are stupid, they’ll be happy they lost.

The majority of Democrats are jamming Biden down the Democrats’ throat. Bernie Bros shouldn’t put up with it.

Bernie Sanders needs to run as an independent. The Democrats may think he smells funny, but I’m sure the rest of the country will vote for him.

Does it give the left pause that their defense of Bernie has devolved into “Hey, you need to be nuanced enough to admit Hitler did some good things, too”?
There are lots of countries with literacy programs. The only reason to single out Cuba is to make excuses for its murderous and oppressive regime. Bernie Sanders is a bad person.
Someone who just shrugs about political imprisonment and murder doesn’t actually care whether you get health care or not. Bernie Sanders is just like all other politicians — it’s all about ego and power. Just keep it in mind.

An important function of liberty is to protect people from the great ideas everyone thinks they have.

Why are Democrats so focused on health care when the world is supposed to end soon from climate change?

Thought experiment: If 100 years ago, universal health care was guaranteed in this country — the best health care at the time magically available for all — but the trade off was medical innovation was slowed by 50%, how many people would that kill?

If you slow medical innovation, historical data says you’ll kill a lot of people, but the advantage is you’ll never know you did that.

You can trust the government to watch and educate your kids about as well as they do anything else.

Elizabeth Warren is such a phony she makes the millionaire socialist with three houses seem genuine.

Paul Krugman seems to be arguing that Bernie Sanders — despite calling himself a socialist for decades — isn’t really a socialist as Bernie is just so so dumb he doesn’t know what socialism actually is.
I can’t dismiss this argument.

Our 4yo daughter decided to give herself a haircut with her plastic scissors, and we have to be careful to not let her know she actually did a pretty good job.

People don’t only want to punch Nazis. They also want to punch hippies.

We have a dishonest president being reported on by an even more dishonest media and I’ve just stopped listening to anyone.

The Democrats will gain some respect from me if they stop Bernie and demonstrate they’re not just ready to roll over and die.

Knives Out was good. I had no idea where it was going.
I mean it wasn’t good enough to make up for ruining Star Wars—it would have to be the next Princess Bride for that—but it was entertaining.

Would be nice if the Democrats could find a viable candidate who wasn’t already past average life expectancy. Anyway, pay good attention to their VP nominee.

I never trusted Buttigieg since he said his name is pronounced “boot-edge-edge.” I can’t see even one “edge” in his name, and he wants me to believe there’s two in there? The guy is up to something.

“This situation we’re in seems extremely contrived.” -me, if I were in any show aimed at young children
“Also, am I only one concerned by all the things talking that should not have the ability to talk?”

With the way Bernie Bros are insulting African American voters in South Carolina, does that make them the next KKK? I don’t think anyone would argue otherwise.

“People could panic about this coronavirus.”
“I know: Let’s give everyone an impossible task to distract them.”
later
“So this is important: You all need to concentrate on not touching your face.”

Everyone loves Joe Biden, the guy who is not Bernie Sanders.

The hope is Biden’s amiable dunce persona will be a good antidote to Trump’s bullying, but I don’t know.

I think Joe Biden entered the Senate the year my parents were married (six years before I was born). For someone who was a mediocre Senator that long, I doubt he has the useful skill knowledge to tie his own shoes. Still, the Republic would probably survive him just fine.

It’s past time for Warren to drop out and endorse Trump.

If I ran a daycare, I’d name it something cute and ironic like “Child Punchers.”

Hey, Bernie Bros, if the DNC successfully steals the election from Bernie, you’re just going to have to swallow whatever horrible candidate they give you. You’re going to have to resist the urge to teach the DNC a lesson no matter how much your soul screams for justice.

Trump versus Biden would definitely be the least important presidential election of my lifetime.

Super Tuesday? More like “Pooper Tuesday” because all the candidates stink! #PoliticalHumor

So how insufferable will Bernie Bros become if Biden is nominated and then loses?

It does seem like a Bernie versus Trump contest would be a bit more cathartic. A bit more interesting, too.

Hey, Bernie Bros, I know you love sexism, but consider voting for Elizabeth Warren instead. She just like Bernie except younger, more coherent, and a huge phony. And she’s a lady.

Bloomberg had morphed from “the only guy who might stop Bernie” to the “the only reason Bernie might still win this.”

Remember to consider Warren as an alternative to Bernie or Biden.
And then go back to voting for Bernie or Biden because you then realize after careful consideration that she’s terrible.

I read Adam Smith’s The Wealth of Nations, and man, that was tough. It’s like 5% timeless, revolutionary wisdom and 95% how many shillings corn cost in particular decades. I think most people would be better off with the CliffNotes version.

I’m scared of guns. That’s why I keep them locked in safes that can’t be opened from the inside.

I don’t think a single person in the known universe is excited about Biden, but very large number of people are like “eh, he’s fine” about him.

As a satirist, I’m more excited about Bernie Sanders as he’s wacky and so our his supporters. Biden is just okay, though, with his incoherence and general goofiness.

The people really excited for Joe Biden are way way less annoying than the people excited for Bernie Sanders since they’re basically non-existent.

Warren is more a Native American than she is a viable presidential candidate.

The Latinx didn’t vote for Warren? What about the Bratz?

What a fun election night. Everyone I disliked did poorly and the one guy I had no strong feelings on did good.

So the majority of Democrats seemed to have a message for Bernie Bros: “Your ideas are terrible and you are terrible and we hate you all for very legitimate reasons.”
Now, will they take this as constructive criticism or lash out against their betters?

The Democratic primary is like you have a choice of desserts but it’s all weird stuff like Turkish delight and black licorice to the point you’re really happy to see vanilla ice cream as an option.

It’s pretty meaningful the Barack Obama endorsed Mike Bloomberg as Bloomberg only paid $3 million for it when Obama obviously could have held out for a lot more. That means Obama really believes in him.

I was going to photoshop Bloomberg as a Borg from Star Trek and call him “Bloomborg,” but Bloomberg just sent me $300 to not do that.

KYLO: “I can’t believe it!”
PALPATINE: “Yes! It’s me! I’ve been alive this whole time!”
KYLO: “So what have you been doing the past 30 years?”
PALPATINE: “Strengthening the Dark Side by spreading hatred throughout the galaxy.”
KYLO: “So, Twitter.”
PALPATINE: “Yes, Twitter!”

Considering how little I use my middle name, it makes sense for me to sell it as ad space.
Frank [your brand name here] Fleming
Who wants to talk price?

Bernie Sanders would be the U.S.’s Corbyn who was the U.K.’s McGovern.

I don’t even know what McGovern’s politics are, but he must have been some stupid hippie or something to lose 49 states to Nixon.
“Everything should be free, man, and have flower prints on it.”
“Shut up, hippie! We’re voting for the off-putting, sweaty guy!”

Is Bernie Sanders a hypocrite because he’s a millionaire with three houses?
Yes. Absolutely.
But does that make you dumb to support him and his unworkable plans that luckily would never in a million years get past Congress?
Yes. It’s makes you very very dumb.

To me, the best thing about Bernie is that he seems more stupid than dishonest, which I definitely put as a plus for a politician. That would probably change, though, if he ever got more power than a mediocre Senator no one pays attention to.

I love how Bernie Sanders supporters argue:
“This economy is terrible! The average man can barely get by!”
and
“Basically everyone has three houses. It’s not a big deal.”

Bernie Sanders is a Communist! If he’s elected president, I’ll be like, “The President is a Communist!” and I’ll probably write a few satire articles where he quotes Ivan Drago. Do you want that?

If Bernie Sanders medical records show he’s in bad health, that could be a plus for him.
“I can’t vote for Bernie! He’s a Communist!”
“Yeah, but he most likely won’t live long.”
“Oh. That’s not so bad, then.”

Bloomberg, one of the wealthiest people in the world, is worth $64 billion. That wouldn’t even get you through a week of government spending.
Tax the government.

Wouldn’t a good way for Russia to interfere in the election is make it known they’re interfering in the election?

I’m fine with you supporting whatever politician you want as long as you don’t pretend the person isn’t a dishonest phony. It’s when we pretend that that we get in trouble.

I’m sorry, but maybe — maybe — you can argue nothing weird is going on if the socialist had only two houses, but it feels like gaslighting to act like three houses is normal. How many people do you know who has three houses?

“It’s actually pretty average for a socialist grifter to have three houses by that age.”
Who do you people hang out with? I know one guy with three houses, and he’s like really rich.

Sorry, I’m just tired of millionaires with three houses whining about billionaires when my family of six has to make do in but one single house.

So is it now the conclusion of Democrats that Obamacare was a complete failure that solved nothing?

I had to stop being humble as I got so good at it it was giving me an inflated ego.

If I had three houses, I wouldn’t constantly whine about billionaires because I’d be too busy worrying I left the oven on in one of them.

One of the reasons the Dems can’t stop Bernie is they’re too afraid to articulate why he’s a horrible candidate other than “he can’t win.”
It would basically be like taking a good portion of their base aside and trying to convince them Santa Claus isn’t real.

Putin got Trump elected with $15 in Facebook ads and now he’s trying to do the same thing with Bernie. Bernie must be defeated in the primary and then kicked out of the Senate; it’s the only way to defeat Putin.

Really, what else does Bernie Sanders have to do other than run for President? He’s old and lonely since most of his friends are dead… killed by the US military during the Cold War.

If you think conserving conservatism involves voting for a Communist, you’ve probably lost the plot.

If you people care about getting people health care as much as you claim, you don’t have to wait for the government to get involved. You can raise the $59 trillion yourself.

A big advantage Medicare for All has over the Republican proposal is that it exists.

So are we now going to get NeverBernies who say they left the Democrats to preserve liberalism but now sound like Charlie Kirk?

Bernie supporters want to give everyone health care in the same way a toddler with a hammer wants to fix an iPad.

You can’t say “Never Trump.” What if he was running against Adolf Hitler? Are you saying you’d support Hitler over Trump?
And what if he running against a Communist?

Started watching MasterChef, and man is there a big difference with MasterChef Junior.
MasterChef: “You should go in the garbage with your food because you’re garbage!”
MasterChef Junior: “Before I go get treated for salmonella, I just have to say great effort.”

People are mad at the Miracle on Ice team for appearing at a Trump rally, but were they supposed to support Bernie Sanders? He was probably rooting against them in 1980.

I think Trump is going a great job, but the Democrats have a lot of great choices for president too. However things work out, I’m super excited for 2021!

Bloomberg and Bernie just need to admit they’re both great candidates and people should be excited for either one.

Bernie Sanders says he things everyone should get health care, but he also doesn’t care that much if people are arbitrarily imprisoned and murdered, so I’m a little suspicious of him.

guy gets charged $1000 for insulin
“This is outrageous! This can’t go on!”
guy gets shot in the head for speaking out in Cuba
“Eh. It happens.”

Seems a little crazy to act like billionaires are a problem when you’re pitching spending plans that make their entire fortunes look like a tiny drop in the bucket.

The main gun loophole is the “criminals don’t obey laws” loophole.

Last time the Dems nuked the filibuster, we ended up with Gorsuch and Kavanaugh. I don’t know what they expect to happen if they do it again.

So how is Bill Kristol prepping to campaign for Bernie Sanders?

When I write a large code change and it compiles the first time, it always creeps me out.

DEMOCRATS: “Give up your AR-15s; it’s ridiculous you’d ever need them to fight tyranny. BTW, we’ve decided to go full Communist.”

You know how old Bernie Sanders is? The shock of winning could kill him.

So much money is spent in presidential elections because people want a very specific terrible idiot and can’t just be happy with the terrible idiot everyone else decides on.

Isn’t the first level of Battletoads one of the greatest lies in human history?
“What a fun, slightly challenging game! I can’t wait for many more levels like this!”

Remember: 2020 will be the least important presidential election of your life time.

I’m glad I didn’t have to jettison all my principles to either support or oppose Trump. All my principles are still safe in a box somewhere in my closet, I think.

I pledge to not support the Democratic nominee whoever he or she is.
I also pledge to not support the Republican nominee.
Why do we pretend picking between two terrible choices is ever going to fix anything?

I really like the Babylon Bee podcast. I feel like I pay much more attention to a podcast when they sometimes mention me.

If you’re looking for the most entertainment out of the presidential election–and I don’t know what else you’d expect from it–the best outcome will be billionaire Bloomberg beating Bernie (hilarious!) followed by months of short jokes from Trump.

Inequality is the idea you can never be happy with a million dollars if the guy next door has a billion.
And it’s the other guy that’s greedy.

The #NeverTrump symbol is about to become a hammer and sickle.

My prediction for the 2020 presidential election: Fun!

I don’t really want to be involved in a campaign, but I’ll write short jokes about Bloomberg for a fee. Not even a big one.

Trump hiring terrible people he later has to fire for being terrible is part of his 8D Chutes & Ladders.

When you hit the recline button on your airline seat, it puts an invisible dust on your fingers that can be seen through black light to help police secretly identify sociopaths.

The least way a citizen influences his country is his vote.

Trump will win if people realize he’s the only thing standing between us and worse than Trump.

“Trump is a special threat to our country! Who is the other choice?”
“A Communist!”
“Oh… well… uh…”
“But he’s like senile, so he probably can’t do much harm.”
“Oh! Cool!”

I like it how when a movie is going for a Stranger Things vibe, they just go ahead and hire Finn Wolfhard.

It’s very cynical to make fun of my viewpoints which are all extremely important and well thought out.

Late stage capitalism? We’ve only utilized like 0.00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001% of the capital in the universe. We’ve barely started.

I’m not going to see the Sonic movie because it would be a betrayal to the 12yo me Super Nintendo loyalist.

The Rage Against the Machine ticket prices is just a reminder of what I keep saying: No one is actually against capitalism.

If when you say “socialism,” you just mean “more welfare programs,” then just say, “I want more welfare programs.” Stop invoking the name of a philosophy that killed 100 million people last century, you stupid little idiots.
What’s confusing is that so many of these dummies talk about capitalism like they want to get rid of it, but the type of “socialism” that’s just more welfare programs can only exist with the wealth of capitalism. A parasite can’t live without a host.
If anyone was actually trying to get rid of capitalism, I’d hope anyone with any concern for their fellow man would pick up an AR-15 and fight back. Worldwide, the death of capitalism would starve billions.
But no one actually wants to get rid of capitalism. There’s just a bunch of over-privileged whiny people who like to sound important.

Oh man, it would be so hilarious if billionaire Bloomberg ended up narrowly beating Bernie for the nomination. The ensuing freak out that would overtake the Democratic Party would be like nothing I’ve ever seen in my life.

So does Billie Eilish have concerts in large venues or does she just do performances to one person at a time and whispers they lyrics to them?

Here’s how my brain works: I know nothing about Billy Eyelash, but I saw a couple tweets that were like “to all the haters who say she just ‘whispers’…” so I was like “I should make fun of how all she does is whisper.”

I really liked The Babylon Bee until I started writing for it and it got all political.

I did not realize Bloomberg is as old as Bernie.

It’s not right when South Park makes fun of things I think are super duper important. It should only make fun of things other people think are super duper important because they are wrong.

Does it give Bernie supporters any pause that Bernie is an avowed socialist or that Bill de Blasio likes him?

Man, gas has been cheap for awhile… prolly because of Trump’s superior presidenting.

Just saw the stuff about Bloomberg and women; he makes Trump look like a feminist. Does that guy have one redeeming quality?
Oh yeah. Billions of dollars.

Liberty is always getting in the way of everybody’s plans.
That’s a feature, not a bug.

Just disable the seat recline in coach. Why even give psychopaths the option?

Whenever I hand over Winchester to SarahK, Winchester immediately turns around and gives me a big smile like, “Ha! I finally got who I wanted, loser!”

I guess the logic of running Bloomberg against Bernie is that even the absolute worst person in the country who isn’t a socialist is still better than a socialist.

Don’t Bernie Bros have a right to be angry?
I mean, sure, they tend to be over-privileged white people who have never face a real problem in their lives, but the pointlessness and uselessness of their existence gives them angst.

Now that Bloomberg has pointed out that Bernie supporters are basically Nazis, the question is will they be thankful for the constructive criticism or become violent and angry as is their nature?

It’s Presidents Day, the day you’re legally obligated to say something nice about the president.
Considering that Trump’s run for president was just a marketing stunt to get another season of The Apprentice, I think he’s done okay.

Is Steyer still in it in case people want a less obnoxious billionaire?

HARRISON FORD: “I’ll be in your movie, but you aren’t putting any mangy dog anywhere near me!”
DISNEY: “Fine. We’ll add the dog in post.”

If Bloomberg wins, that will prove you can buy a Democratic primary.
I don’t think you can buy the general election, though. Remember how much money was spent trying to convince people to be happy to vote for Hillary?

In the old trilogy, you just understood who the Empire was and how they were in charge of everything. In the new ones, I never had the slightest idea what the scope of the New Order was.

Death Star blows up
“The Empire’s new weapon is destroyed, but they’re still out there.”
Starkiller base blows up
“Does that mean the New Order is done for? Was that all of them? I have no idea.”

“And why are the good guys the ‘Resistance’? Aren’t they in charge now? Didn’t they see the end of Return of the Jedi?”

I’ll never for the life of me understand caring about billionaires. Don’t you have any real problems to focus on rather than spend time pretending that someone somewhere having a billion dollars is hurting you for vague reasons?

The Democratic debate today better be bloodsport.

Politics is so much fun lately. I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do as a satirist. It’s all “Look at these things that are actually happening; aren’t they wacky?”

Pretty telling that the only Republican voting to convict is the one who gave people cancer and put women in binders and was a bully and put a dog on a car and [other meaningless BS from 2012].

I’ll sleep better tonight now knowing the president is innocent.

All you guys who propped up that teenager David Hogg for your political purposes: Good job, you completely broke him.

The thing that always fascinated me with the “binders full of women” Romney gaffe is that at least half the left-wingers going after him with it didn’t even seem to understand what they were criticizing him for.

The DNC is probably trying to cover up Bernie’s win in Iowa for very good reasons and the far-left need to get in line.

I think the only way for AOC to save face now is to upload a video of her trying to lift herself up by her own bootstraps to prove it can’t be done. That would really make conservatives look like idiots and shut them up.

How much is Mike Bloomberg paying influencers? Asking for an… influencer friend.

I’m not arguing Trump isn’t terrible, I’m just not buying he’s some order of magnitude worse than the other politicians.

As a Trump defender who defends Trump on absolutely everything he does, I have to say I find what Trump is doing to be very defensible.

Today’s Democratic Party is mainly a bunch of far-left white people arguing who knows best for people of color.

All the people complaining to Twitter about the Trump video are such weenies. All they have to do is look more reasonable than Trump, and every day they’re like “Nope!”

When I’m rich, I’m not going to eat ground beef anymore. I’m going to eat sky beef.

Hopefully women will spend less time shoe-shopping and more time perfecting their filmmaking skills so they’ll get Oscar director nominations next year.

Remember when everyone was like “Warren is smart and she has plans”? That was silly.

“Joker was popular. I bet people are going to want a see a movie about Joker’s girlfriend.”
When has that worked? Now that Parasite has won the Oscar, are they doing a movie about the Parasite’s girlfriend (assuming he has one; I’m only vaguely familiar with that DC villain)?

Know what might do really well? A movie about Harley Quinn’s boyfriend.

If someone can only do less that $15 in value of work an hour, it should be illegal to hire that person.

My opinion on sub versus dub is wait for the superior American version. Who needs The Seven Samurai when you have much shorter and more efficient The Magnificent Seven?
There’s even one with Chris Pratt in it!

Not going to upgrade my Kindle until they finally have USB-C. MicroUSB has to be my most despised connector.

I think Warren is my least favorite of the remaining Democratic presidential candidates, so it’s nice to see her floundering. Who is your least favorite?

I’m sorry, but I just can’t accept Buttigieg is pronounced “BOOT-edge-edge” just because that’s what they told me. That requires an explanation because in no universe are there two edges in there.

I’m pronouncing it Butt-ee-geeg, and if he doesn’t like it, spell it differently.

One thing none of the candidates are talking about are those little stickers on apples. Every time I want eat an apple, I have to pull off the sticker and wash off the glue residue. It’s 2020; is there really no other way to identify apples than putting stickers on each one?

If the name change works on Birds of Prey are they going to try it on Little Women?

I love how when I’m trying to get a quick update on breaking news Twitter fills my timeline with tweets from nine hours ago I already read.

Bernie Sanders’s magic is having gotten to 78 years old maintaining the sort of idiocy that usually doesn’t survive leaving a college campus.

I don’t know anyone right or left who hates Klobuchar. I mean, from the rumors about how she treats her staff, she probably a horrible person, but still it seems notable she doesn’t have any vehement detractors.

If I had buttons for each presidential candidate to magically transport them to prison, the only button I wouldn’t hit would be Yang’s.

If I had a billion dollars, I’d invest it. Think of how much money I could have in twenty years.

So did some people watch The Joker and were like, “He deserves his bad treatment because he’s a white male!”?

One thing we’ve gotten a kick out of while watching Legion are the horoscope-vague episode descriptions on Hulu.
“David faces a new challenge.”

If they don’t call witnesses, that could ruin everyone’s faith in this impeachment trial that no one is paying attention to.

Sure, F9 looks dumb, but it better be extra super dumb if we don’t get the Rock in this one.

So far impeachment has gone even better than I thought it would.

It’s not conservative to be ultra-conservative. How can you be a conservative if you’re not even conservative in how conservative you are?

I’m seriously considering buying that $350 Baby Yoda. What magic spell is that Baby Yoda casting over everyone?

Political debates should just be billionaires pelting each other in the face with waded up balls made from hundred dollar bills.

I trust Mitt Romney about as far as I can throw him, but that’s still more than I trust most politicians.
I can throw politicians quite far because I’m very strong.

Winchester is sick so I sat him my lap and soothed him by reading him Adam Smith’s The Wealth of Nations. Mixed results.

In The Wealth Of Nations, Adam Smith keeps using “shew” instead of “show.” Old timey people are cute.

Thanks to the sliding timescale of The Simpsons, Homer is almost a Millennial.

Trump is pretty awful unless you compare him to other politicians.

So the lessons of The Good Place seemed to be the limits of human intelligence on enacting justice and creating paradise.
Plus I would hope most adults would know that being able to get whatever you want is a bad proposition. We always want lots of things, but we’re bad at understanding what we need. Plus, how much duller would life be if it were limited to my imagination?

It was weird to see a song from Kanye’s Christian album used for a Fast and Furious 9 trailer.
Well, they do all often sit down and pray at the end of the movie.

“Scorcese, we want you for our Coca-Cola ad. We’ll pay you $100.”
“I have integrity. You can’t buy that.”
“We know, what you’re doing, Scorcese, but we’re not going to pay you $200. That’s too much.”
“I wouldn’t give away my integrity for any dollar amount.”
“$150.”
“Deal.”

If I wrote an ad, it would be the greatest, funniest ad ever, but no one can afford me. I’m not selling out for Scorcese-level money.

I’m trying to explain to my daughter how much feminist cred it would get me if she let me teach her how to code. Fine. Whatever. Play princess dress up, you dinosaur.

“Ha ha. Stupid Donnie Trump.”
turns to SarahK
“So where is Kansas City?”

Now I’m really confused. So what state is New York City in?

We’ve started Legion season 2. I hope it stays Twin Peaks season 1 weird and doesn’t go Twin Peaks season 2 weird.
For the first episode of season 2, I was hoping it would go “Previously on Legion…” and just show an abstract painting.

If you can’t disagree with people without hating them, that’s a good indication you’re the one with horrible political views.

The only question in the impeachment was how long would it take to get to the end we all knew it would have.

To be concerned citizens, my wife and I participated in the Idaho Republican caucus in 2012. We ended up voting for Romney as we realized it was the quickest way to get the thing over with.
The main thing I remember about the caucus is a guy in front of us taught my 1yo daughter how to high-five — a skill she can still do to this day!
Though I just asked her to do it and she left me hanging.

Much of the comedy of the left is how many of them are obvious sociopaths yet they do all this performative caring about “oppressed groups” or “kids in cages” that’s convincing to no one except their fellow sociopaths.
There are people on the left who legitimately care about others, but they’re not the ones steering the ship right now.
But this is the trick grifters on the right and left have learned: Hate is much easier way to build up political power — the kind that screams and demands to be noticed — than love. Embrace the Dark Side!

I was like a natural left-winger (‘Why can’t we just get rid of all the guns?”) as a kid and then I heard Rush and was fascinated because these were issues I hadn’t even considered there was an alternate view to. I then read his book and became a very annoying teen conservative.
I’ve mellowed since then and am trying to be a vegan when it comes to political red meat, but he will always be a part of my journey and I will pray for him in this challenge he faces.
I’ve always found the people who get really outraged by Rush to be a bit like people who go to see a stand up comedian and take everything he says extremely seriously.
“Who is this idiot proposing we make the entire plane out of the black box? That would kill hundreds!”
Well, if there’s one thing I’ve learned about politics, is that people like to be angry.

Of course people shouldn’t dress or behave like that in public and only a weirdo would think otherwise, but I’ve long resigned to the fact that weirdoes run the entertainment industry that I didn’t think the Super Bowl Halftime show was worth remarking on.
This was the first Super Bowl I showed my kids. I figured there would be inappropriate content, but they’re going to see it sometime. They mostly didn’t pay attention, though.

“We are the Democrats, the party of the future — the party of Science! Now stand in awe of our advanced technology as we release an app that counts things!”