The Government Has Cookies!
The government is going to put data on your hard drive to keep track of you!!!111!!!
Cookies are a text file on your computer you let websites have access to (most browsers are set to automatically grant access, but you can change that setting) so they can keep track of your preferences. Pretty much every site uses them. If you comment on IMAO and wonder how IMAO can keep track of your commenter name so you don’t have to reenter on every visit, that’s a cookie. Frankly, it’s stupid government websites haven’t been able to use cookies for this long.
If cookies scare you, change your browser settings. Yes, it could be possible for the government to use cookies to keep track of your surfing habits, but the website for Tide detergent can do that now. Hell, I can do that now.
Are you freaking out?
(14 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)
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August 13th, 2009 at 11:13 am
ZOMG!!!! This is the last time I EVER use a computer!! Goodbye Internets.
August 13th, 2009 at 11:20 am
Stealthier (firefox plugin) is a great way to keep the evil cookies at bay.
Of course, you should also install noscript, foxyproxy, tor, encrypt your harddrive, and plaster the walls in aluminum foil to create an anti-tempest Faraday cage.
(I have also read articles about reading your data by analyzing oscillations in the power line so you probably need to buy your own generator as well. )
August 13th, 2009 at 11:20 am
Frank J
I feel so bad for you if you think cookies are some bit of machine code devised by devil monkeys.
Cookies are the warm love that springs from the boxy thing in my kitchen. Well the boxy thing and that short fat pasty looking dude with the gay hat.
August 13th, 2009 at 11:21 am
I prefer oatmeal raisin cookies, my wife always makes Tollhouse chocolate chip cookies.
Can I report her to the government under this new “cookies” regulation, and will it result in me getting oatmeal raisin cookies from her?
August 13th, 2009 at 11:23 am
As an IT Professional I can assure you that Federal Government IT guys should be the least scary guys ever! If you are worried about them, take your PC over to your next door neighbor and let his 6th grade kid work on it. He will be able to defeat anything a Federal Government IT guy tries to do to it!!! That’s why they are working for the Federal Government!!! I’ve never even seen a resume from a Federal Government IT guy. That’s because A) they are so lame and pathetic that we would laugh them out of our shop and B) they are so lame and pathetic they could never find another job that pays them what they make to be so lame and pathetic…
August 13th, 2009 at 11:29 am
I’m freaking out! – now everyone will find out how boring my web surfing habits are – guess I better spice it up.
August 13th, 2009 at 11:36 am
Are you gonna come and get me?
Then I’d better clean my house. It looks awful.
August 13th, 2009 at 11:49 am
It’s the government milk that they offer *with* the cookies that’s scary. And the delivery…”Would you like to climb into my van and help me find my puppy? I have cookies!”
If you aren’t freaking out, then you aren’t paying attention.
August 13th, 2009 at 11:53 am
If Obama would just appoint some hot older chick to oversee it: MILF and cookies!
August 13th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
They just want you to think they are after your cookies. And while you are guarding the cookie jar, they are sneaking into your fridge to get the bacon you are bringing home and not reporting.
Follow the bacon.
August 13th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
Lily, who can afford bacon in this economy?
And Basil, I think we do need a nice, attractive mom-type to be a czar for these cookies. We needed one under Clinton, but back then we were afraid he’d get caught with his hand in the cookie czar.
August 13th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
The government is handing out free cookies now? Socialized Baked goods are a step to far!
Oh… other kind of cookies.
August 13th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
bacon cookies might be kinda good.
August 13th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm… cookies
I prefer white chocolate or peanut butter, but knowing Obama they will be aruglua.
True story. I knew a libbie who would not step one foot in my house. He would only talk to me on my front porch. I finally drug out of him his fear of my weather radio. It was a Boosh spy machine. I got bored with him and started talking to the radio. He never came back.
August 13th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
I like the good cookies you know like the ones with chocolate chips or M&M’s. I don’t like the bad cookies, the ones that get put on your computer that the government will use for evil.
August 13th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
Cookies?! Cookies?! Well, it’s not a unicorn but I’ll take Nabisco Pinwheels please. Mmm.
#10 what does Kevin have to do with this, and why is he hanging out in my fridge?
LOL #9…sheesh, MEN!
August 13th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
the Assuming Room Temprature Board
the End ofTrail Corral
The Board of Converstion to Good Republicans
August 13th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
Soooooooo gubmint websites got this here “cookie” disease? right?…… I havea solution…..How bout you dont go to the evul socialist gubmint websites.. then dont gots to worries bout cookies… EH?
Oh… And I was freaking out waaaaaaaaaaayyy before this
August 13th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
The government has cookies! But it has no balls!
August 13th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
First, government cheese, now government cookies? I’m holding out for government beer.
August 13th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
Or you could teach your browser to lie like a rug, which can be more fun.
August 13th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
Frank, you don’t have to use the word “frankly” at the beginning of a sentence, we already know it’s you.
August 13th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
all this talk about cookies makes me hungry for COOKIES!
August 13th, 2009 at 8:11 pm
Basil is a genius: I’d love some MILF and cookies. but I wonder if my wife would serve them to me in bed?
August 13th, 2009 at 9:06 pm
Tracking cookies! Me love tracking cookies! umm-umm-umm-umm-umm-umm…Pth-pth-pth-pth-pth-pth…Me Hate Tracking Cookies!
August 14th, 2009 at 12:25 am
Today must be awesome comment day. Very funny.
August 14th, 2009 at 5:09 am
“Come to the dark side. We have cookies.” — David & Goliath Tees
August 14th, 2009 at 7:32 pm
This is kinda the real pain in the ass about it. So many people are completely tech-stupid that its really easy to freak them out like this.
August 16th, 2009 at 12:26 am
Luke 12:2-4
“There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known. What you have said in the dark will be heard in the daylight, and what you have whispered in the ear in the inner rooms will be proclaimed from the roofs.”
Mark Twain
“When in doubt, tell the truth. It will confound your enemies and astonish your friends.”
August 16th, 2009 at 9:14 am
A survey once reported that Americans think about cookies every 20 minutes, on average. It was right behind sex and “is it Friday yet?”
Well, now they can think about federal cookies that screw them on a Friday.