Arrr! That’s why I like Fox News; even they were talking like pirates today. Shepherd Smith did his best (“Batten down the hatches, you motherless whelps!”), but you could hear the stagehands in the background doing some great, “Arrr!” Brings some chills to the heart to this scurvy seadog.
Uber-essay writer Whitler is considering an interesting career option, and wants your opinion. Give it, says I.
I vote for this entry in the New Blog Showcase because Susie tells me to. Everyone in the Alliance needs to link to one of the entries as well or it’s the tip of me sword. Arrr!
Aye, the water has been rough because of this she-devil known as Isabel. jfielek has video of the storm in action. Shiver me timbers!
Yarr! Jared informs Captain Poopypants of all the people that would be need’n a recall for a liberal dreamworld to come true. Probably no room for us pirates in such a hell.
Archive of entries posted on 19th September 2003
In My World™ Quotes
I’ve had a number of great honors since I started blogging, but this has to be one of the best. John Hawkins has taken time from his busy schedule of getting interviews with people like Milton Friedman and Ann Coulter to compile a list of quotes from my In My World™ series. I assume all of my readers will love it, so go check it out, and maybe we can up with a good idea for a t-shirt or mug from it.
Know Thy Enemy: Pirates
It’s fun to talk like a pirate, but, in reality, they are murderous thugs. Thus, I think it’s appropriate I have my crack research staff find some important facts about them.
FUN FACT ABOUT PIRATES
* Pirates operate by boarding your ship, killing everyone on board, and stealing your treasure. So, if pirates ask to board, tell them no.
* You may be able to avoid getting attacked by pirates if you drape a sign over the side of your vessel reading, “Radio Broken”.
* If you are captured by pirates, fight back by throwing all their oranges overboard. Now they’ll all get scurvy – whatever the f–k that is.
* Since piracy really ended centuries ago, my main concern when encountering pirates would be how to get back to my own time. Cryogenics was piss-poor in the 17th century – hell, it’s hard enough to get a bag of ice – so you’ll have to try some other option.
* Even though pirates sail all the seven seas, they’re apparently based in Pittsburgh, PA.
* When fighting pirates, you may think the man with the big hat is the leader, but it’s actually the parrot on his shoulder. Take that bird out first!
* In a fight between Aquaman and pirates, Aquaman would… wait a second, a fight on the sea; Aquaman would actually be competent here. I don’t think there’s a joke to this one.
* A lot of people when boarding your ship may claim to be pirates, but make sure to ask for identification. If someone is murdering your crew and stealing your booty but doesn’t have the proper ID, make sure to report it to the pirate union.
* While pirates tend to use the peg to replace a lost leg, it doesn’t work as well to replace a lost arm, nose, or ears.
* Be careful of a pirate who lost a hand; them hooks is pointy!
* Those muskets take like a minute to reload, so, if a pirate fires at you and misses, time for a pound’n.
* The cannon the pirates have may or may not be loaded, but don’t check it by just sticking your head down the barrel. You at least need a match first or you won’t be able to see.
* The pirate flag of skull and cross bones is called the “Jolly Roger” because whoever decided to name it was really gay.
* Jolly Ranchers have no relation to the Jolly Roger… that I know of. To be on the safe side, though, if you see a bunch of Jolly Rancher wrappers lying about, be prepared for a pirate attack!
* If someone boards your land going vessel and steals it, that’s a carjacker, not a pirate. You can still run him through with a cutlass, though.
* If you see a man with a long beard, it could be the fearsome Blackbeard the pirate! If the beard is somewhat light colored, he’s probably just a member of ZZ Top. Either way, use caution.
* The most fearsome pirate these days is some Middle Easterner known as Kazaa.
* If you’re really worried about pirates, go to Taco Bell. I’ve never seen one there, and I like their chalupas.
* The main thing to remember about pirates is that they are more scared of you than you are of them. Just stand your ground, wave your arms in the air, and yell and that should scare them off.
Arrr! Going for the Obvious Joke
Here is the first every audio entry for my blog. Be forewarned, LAN-lubbers, it’s in .wma format, so you better have pirated yourself a Windows Media Player. Arrr!
Pirate Answers: Keeping People in California, Teflon, and Damn Whatcha-Ma-Callits
Time for some advice from a pirate, ye LAN-lubbers. Now listen carefully to what old Captain J. has to say before I have to keelhaul the whole lot of you.
Jason H. from Austin, Texas writes:
I‘ve been hearing a lot about how a lot of Californians are leaving California. It’s only a matter of time before they could damage their status as the state with the most electoral votes and I’m sure that a “brain drain” has already occurred. Is it possible that in the not-so-far-off future that the Californians might build a wall around their state in order to keep what brains, jobs and money they have left from leaving, much like the Communists in East Berlin did? It is a liberal utopia, after all? Thanks
Arrr! I say keep them all in California. We don’t want their kind befouling our fair ports. Barricade the whole state, and keeps ship patrolling it’s coastline, boarding and cutting the throats of anyone who dares try to leave. Just be careful of that Captain Schwarzenegger; he hails from lands far way and could be quite tough. Stories say a musket ball would bounce right off his hide.
Cat Malingowski from York, PA asks:
If nothing sticks to Teflon, how does it stick to the pan?
Sound like witchcraft to me. I find anyone with one of these “Teflon” cooking utensils, I would be fearful of what other sorcery he or she may be capable of. A sturdy cutlass may not be enough to keep you safe from ones such as these. Burn them at the stake, I say; and do it on land, far from me ship.
MonkeyPants the Imperial Falconer writes
A variation on the “Worst figures of the 20th Century”:
You have a gun and a time machine. Who in history would you go back and erase?
Yarrr! That’s an easy one. I would train my musket on whomever invented those damn plastic packaging where you have two solid pieces of hard, clear plastic sealed together, often used for lots of electronics equipment and memory cards. Ye know what I’m talking about? You try to find some edge to pull the halves apart, but usually I end up having to jaggedly cut out the hidden booty with me cutlass. Instead of burying treasure, I could just put it in one of these packaging and it keep it safe for all eternity. Arrr!
Please keep the booty coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, you’ll be swimming with the sharks!
Comic Review: El Cazador
Arrr! The captain of me galleon has gifted me with yet another comic book. That’s two comics in one month, but, if ye average me comic reading over the past decade, I read about one comic every five years.
Arrrr!
The comic is called El Cazador, issue 1, October 2003 (wait, it ain’t October yet unless I overslept this morning). It is published by CrossGen; apparently there are other comic book companies than D.C. and Marvel. Even an old sailor like me can learn a thing or two. The comic is, appropriately, all about piracy. So, is this comic so grand a tale that I should immediately find a desert isle to bury it on along with me gold, or should I use it’s pages to ship-train the bilge rats? Well, I’ll tell ye.
Much unlike the comic of that scourge of the seas, Aquaman, which had great artwork on the cover but much more rudimentary drawings inside, the cover is, in my murderous opinion, the worst of the drawings (and the jpeg above doesn’t even do that justice; arrr!). It looks like they spent days drawing and painting each panel of this comic (see some samples here).
As for the writing, the prose remains quit true to the time period (far as I know), and the action depicts much piratey murderousness and the sounds of hell’s bells. It starts with an attack on a Spanish galleon, some pirates killing the crew while a mysterious pirate with a wooden hand watches over (and I think he’s missing an eye, but he’s always in the shadows).
When the stolen vessel sets sail, it’s found a saucy lass still remains aboard, and she kills the captain and takes over the ship, getting the crew to follow her in her pursuit of revenge with promise of great rewards. They call her “Lady Sin”, as her actual Spanish name is too much for a bunch of scurvy ridden bilge rats handle. She rechristens the ship “El Cazador” and sets sail to kill the dreaded Blackjack.
The comic ends with descriptions of some of the pirates and showing how written concept becomes painted panel (just like a DVD feature… but in a comic! Arrr!).
I have to say, it looks to be an interesting story of murderousness and revenge with much attention to the period. If the rest of the comics are this well drawn, I might follow the sirens call into a comic book shop (something I haven’t done since I was a wee lad). Then again, I still think that might make me a dork.
Arrr!
Avast!
Ahoy, me hearties. Today be International Talk Like a Pirate Day! Me only regret is that this is a non-work day for me, and thus I can’t vex the ‘ell out of me shipmates.
Arrrrr!
So grab yourself a cup a grog while I regale ye with much piratey-ness. First, some pirate jokes:
It was Halloween, and the first-graders all came into class wearing their costumes. One wee lad came dressed like a pirate [Ed. Note: Arrrrr!], and the schoolmarm sees him and asks jokingly, “So where are your buccaneers?”
And the wee lad answers, “Under me buck’n hat!”
Arrr! That was horrible! Here is an even worst one. Dare ye read it?
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel stuck down his pants. So the bartender asks, “Is that a steering wheel in your pants?”
And the pirate answers, “Arrr! Tis true. It’s driving me nuts!”
Now laugh before I run ye through with me cutlass!
Well, there be the only two pirate jokes I know. Anyway, here is what a pirate keyboard looks like. Arrr! If only I had one of those!
BTW, all comments today have to be in pirate talk or you’re walking the plank!