Archive of entries posted on 5th September 2003

Frank Answers: Ninja Monkeys, Cleveland, Little Frank J., Samurai Jack, and Bazooka Joe, and When Is It Appropriate to Kill Hippies (Like You Don’t Know the Answer to that One)

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In my last Frank Answers™, I mentioned that French soap is suspicious and should be avoided. A reader, J, had this take, though:

You do realize that is must be an effective soap, which is why the French export it.
They have no need for effective soap, or for that matter effective water, so they export both.

Now for some questions:
Jeff writes:
Seriously, I had a dream last night that a tribe of ninja outcasts, deep in the heart of Africa, trained generations of big smart monkeys to be Ninjas! And taught them how to swim too! It was horrible, the monkeys took over Africa in days. After training all the other monkeys in Africa to be ninjas, they started to attack by ninja swimming out to boats going by the coastline and then sneak aboard and take over control of the boat. Soon thousands of ninja monkeys were in position to attack the worlds centers of power at the same time. Then I woke up screaming, drenched in sweat, I had to know how it ended. I knew you of all people would know the answer, Could this really happen Frank?
Yes, such a thing could happen, and almost did back during the 60’s. Thanks to the distraction of smelly hippies, we nearly missed this ninja monkey threat. Luckily, the threat was noticed by the Coast Guard who keeps a number of samurai in employment for such incidents. Off our own coasts, the ninja monkeys were subdued with much swordplay, and, to this day, they vow revenge. If you are ever on the open seas, be careful to make sure any boats you see aren’t being manned by monkeys… or pirates. Also, if you are a wandering ronin, the Coast Guard is looking for new recruits.
Jason H. from Austin, Texas asks:
Frank, what is the reason for the existence of Cleveland?
Well, Cleveland rocks. Also, I believe its existence prevents some erosion in the area.
Pam from a small, quaint little town in California where the fruits and nuts can grow healthy and strong and even grow up to be governor someday writes:
Just read In My World: It’s All About the Jesus, and it prompted this question: What were you like as a child?
I’ve been told I was whiny, but my parents are damn liars.
DarthVOB writes:
My favorite show is Samurai Jack. I can’t help but notice the parallels between Samurai Jack and you. Is Samurai Jack loosely based on your life?
Though many of the similarities are striking, notice the character is named “Jack” and not “Frank”. If it were called “Samurai Frank”, then I would say it was exactly like me, but, as it is, I can’t see people calling me Jack.
Joey asks:
What happened to Bazooka Joe’s eye?
He asked too many questions, Joey. Too many questions, and that’s all I have to say.
Bitter Bitch from Hell (aka New England) writes:
I have a question for you to answer. I have to drive 75 miles to work everyday. I hate it. It means I have to get up at 5:30 AM and sit in traffic for a couple of hours before I repeat the sitting at the end of the day only to end up at home at 7:30 PM. It’s all because I have to stay with a friend while my apartment is renovated. My question is: Does this commuting frustration make a good excuse for killing either annoying hippies or my apartment complex manager for not letting me move into the damn place yet? I’d prefer to kill the annoying hippies, but any target for my rage will do for now.
P.S. Oh wait, blonde moment, I forgot that I had another question. The annoying hippies are getting between me and my guns. They are also getting between me and any swords. What can I use to kill them and/or my apartment complex manager since these precious resources have been taken from my beautifully manicured hands?
Killing your apartment manager would be murder, so I’d just kill the hippies; no excuses are really needed. Strangling is always a good, weaponless method. You may want to wear gloves for sanitation purposes, though.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Odio Frank

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I found this comment to my Know Thy Enemy: Hamas post by a Tupac Amaru:

Seguro que tu eres un pinche gringo puñetero que no tiene nada mas que hacer parte de huevear de la lucha por libertad por los palestinos. Si tu no estuvieras un cabron culeao, tal vez tu podria tener amigos parte de los perros que te aman solamente porque hueles como un jamon. HASTA LA VICTORIA SIEMPRE Y VIVA LATINOAMERICA! UNIDOS VENCEREMOS CONTRA LOS PINCHES GRINGOS PUÑETERAZOS. SI QUIEREN PAZ HABRA PAZ, PERO SI QUIEREN GUERRA, NO TENEMOS MIEDO A LA GUERRA

So I was like, “Wow! Even Spanish speaking people love IMAO!”, but then I got back this translation from Margarita, official IMAO translator:

Surely you are a asshole gringo that has nothing more to do than bother with the fight for the liberty of the palestinians. If you weren’t such a horse’s ass, you could have friends other than the dogs that love you only because you are an ass. UNTIL THE VICTORY AND LIVE THE LATINOAMERICANOS FOREVER. TOGETHER WE WILL CONQUER THE GRINGO ASSHOLES. IF YOU WANT PEACE, THEN THERE WILL BE PEACE, BUT IF YOU WANT WAR, WE ARE NOT AFRAID OF FIGHTING!

Hey! That wasn’t a very nice thing to say at all!
Since I don’t know how well the guy’s English skills are, I’ve decided to write back to him in Spanish. I’ve been wanting to learn that language, and now is a good time for practice. Unfortunately, I only know one verb, “es”, but hopefully through capitalization and exclamation points, I can get my emotion across by using every single Spanish word I know:

El pollo diablo es agua chimichanga, muchacho! Loco queso es MORTE OCHO!
Que?
Andale. Andale.
Arriba! Arriba!
YEE-HAH!
Grazie,
Frank J.

That’ll learn him. I’ll tell you if he responds.

MEChA Lecka Hi, MEChA Hiney Ho

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Back in February, Bustamante slipped and said the n-word in front black trade unionists. That’s pretty bad, but I don’t think it necessarily means anything by itself; you hear the word in movies and rap music and thus it’s going to be in your subconcious. God knows that sometimes when running into my friends, I’ve had the urge to say, “How’s my niggas do’n?” but, even though that might be funny, I always nix that one.
Then I hear about this MEChA and their “Por la raza todo. Fuera de la Raza Nada.” motto and I start to wonder did he accidentally say publicly a word he likes to use privately. “For the race, everything. For those outside the Race, nothing.” is how I’ve usually seen that phrase translated, and it makes it seem like MEChA is some racial supremacist group. Actually, it’s so blatantly racist that it’s almost quaint. There are many organizations out there I would consider racist, but they at least use code language. I decided to do a little follow up myself and see if MEChA is really as bad as I’ve been hearing.
So I do a Google search for MEChA, and, among hits about robots and anime, I find this page with links about MEChA and links to campus webpages. MEChA seems to be reacting to charges of racism with charging racism. One interesting article states how “Por la raza todo. Fuera de la Raza Nada.” is not their motto, but “La union hace la fuerza” (Unity creates power) is. So I go to one example MEChA webpage, and there is there symbol a bird with what looks like dynamite and some other object and indeed that slogan about unity. Also linked to by this page, though, is El Plan Espiritual de Aztlán, in which the statement “Por la raza todo. Fuera de la Raza Nada.” does appear. I find this document on a lot (but not all) MEChA pages. The statement in question happens to be the only part on it in Spanish, the rest of it plain for us to read who haven’t gotten to ordering our learn to speak Spanish tapes yet (I’m going to do it one of these days). It’s a bit creepy, especially the parts about self-defense (defense against whom?).
I’ve been unable to find anyone from MEChA explain the “Por la raza todo. Fuera de la Raza Nada.” (I have sent e-mails just now), so I sent the statement to IMAO’s official translator, Margarita. Here is what she said it means:

Por la raza todo – For the Race, everything
Fuera de la Raza Nada – Outside of the Race, nothing

That’s pretty similar to what I’ve been hearing, but her interpretation of it was a bit different (emphasis hers):

I look at the second part of the slogan as just being nationalistic. It is not saying that the outside race (non-chicano/hispanic) will not get anything from the MEChA group, it is much more that the chicanos need to look out for themselves first and above all. I don’t see it being racist as they are not empowering themselves over anyone else, just empowering themselves first before anyone else since no one else does.

It would seem the controversy would go away if Bustamante would just denounce the group, but he won’t. Defenders say that El Plan Espiritual de Aztlán is read to literally by most people, and that MEChA is mainly about helping Hispanics get an education (Hispanics having a very high drop out race). I don’t know, still, and am stuck between believing Bustamante won’t denounce MEChA because he feels real affinity towards the group or because he doesn’t want to offend racist Hispanics. I hope the media explores the issue more, because I don’t like the idea of racist groups occupying so many college campuses and a racist man being elected governor of California… but perhaps I’m just wrongheaded on the issue.