“With the constant killings and terrorist attack in Iraq, will you now admit that it’s become a Vietnam-like quagmire,” CNN reporter Lefty Stevens asked.
“No,” Condoleezza Rice answered firmly, “It’s like post war Germany.”
“Vietnam,” Stevens insisted.
“Post war Germany!” Condi answered back angrily.
“Vietnam.”
“Post war Germany!!”
“Quagmire! Admit it!”
“I’ll kill you!” Condi screamed, jumping onto the reporter and pummeling him.
“You started the press conference without me,” Rumsfeld stated as he walked up to the podium.
Condi dropped the reporter. “You’re late.”
“I arrive when I damn well feel like it,” Rumsfeld grunted. He then looked to the reporters. “So what do you want?”
“Do you think that you sent too few troops to Iraq?” asked a reporter.
“Are you questioning my military strategy?” Rumsfeld demanded angrily.
“Well, uh…”
“You, a brainless reporter, thinks he knows more about how many troops a conflict takes than the Secretary of War?”
“I just…”
“It’s tiring me carrying a gun this heavy,” Rumsfeld stated, pulling out his luger, “Maybe I should lighten it.”
“No no!” the reporter shouted, “Question withdrawn!”
“Anyone else want to waste my time?” Rumsfeld asked as he put away his gun.
“What are your plans for settling Iraq and afterwards?” asked another reporter.
“We will civilize Iraq, killing all the terrorists and Baath party members and who ever else strikes our fancy. Then, we will begin forcefully converting everyone to Christianity. This will coincide with our attacks on other Middle Eastern countries.”
“Convert everyone to Christianity?” asked one confused reporter.
“What? Did you think this war was all about oil?” Rumsfeld scoffed. “We, the West, have always been bitter about losing the Crusades. Unlike the silly Muslims, we’ve been able to keep our resentment quiet. See, back then, we were backwards in comparison to the Muslims and wholly outmatched, but now we have laser guided cruise missiles while they have just rocks and sticks. Thus finally the Crusades can be completed and the Holy Land will return to Christian hands.”
“You can’t force religion on people!” a reporter exclaimed.
“Actually, studies show that torture and threat of death is quite effective at religious conversions,” Condi added.
“So you’re going to convert everyone in the Middle East?”
“Either that or kill them,” Rumsfeld said, “except for those Jews; they’re some tough motherf–kers.”
“What about freedom of religion?” asked an exasperated reporter.
“That’s only for Americans,” Rumsfeld answered, “It is the administration’s position that only Americans have God-given rights, He having forsaken all other countries.”
“So you’re going to take over all the Middle East?”
“No, rulership will be handed to the pope in the spirit of the Crusades. Then history books will have to be written to say that, while the Crusades started out rough, they were eventually successful due to the Bush administration.”
“And his plucky National Security Advisor,” Condi chimed in.
“The American people won’t stand for this!” one reporter asserted.
“According to polling data, the American people don’t care what we do militarily as long as bad people die and their prime time television doesn’t get interrupted with news breaks. Also, while the American people support other religious views, they wish Muslim women would wear more revealing clothing.”
“Isn’t this the worst fears of the Muslims in the Middle East?”
“Yes,” Rumsfeld chuckled, “And everyone thought they were nuts in thinking we wanted to conquer them all. Well, they’re still nuts, but they were right.”
“Wouldn’t Jesus be against torture and murder in his name?”
“Well, Jesus isn’t running the show; I am!” Rumsfeld answered angrily, “This is a matter of honor for the western world. We’re not just satisfied being economically, militarily, and hygienically superior to the Islamic extremists, we want to say we won the Crusades too.”
“We have to get going now,” Condi told the reporters, “We need to get fitted for our suits of armor and then pick out our swords for severing the heads of the unbelievers.”
“Did you hear Bush still wants to wear his cowboy hat with his armor,” Rumsfeld grumbled, “What a jackass.”
“We still have a lot more questions about this!” insisted a reporter.
Rumsfeld drew a broadsword. “This press conference is over unless you wish me to smite thee!”
The reporters all fled the room in terror.
“God, they’re gullible,” Condi laughed, “Now they’ll all be distracted by this while we steal us some oil.”
Rumsfeld looked a little sullen. “Really did want to smite someone, though.”