“With the constant killings and terrorist attack in Iraq, will you now admit that it’s become a Vietnam-like quagmire,” CNN reporter Lefty Stevens asked.
“No,” Condoleezza Rice answered firmly, “It’s like post war Germany.”
“Vietnam,” Stevens insisted.
“Post war Germany!” Condi answered back angrily.
“Vietnam.”
“Post war Germany!!”
“Quagmire! Admit it!”
“I’ll kill you!” Condi screamed, jumping onto the reporter and pummeling him.
“You started the press conference without me,” Rumsfeld stated as he walked up to the podium.
Condi dropped the reporter. “You’re late.”
“I arrive when I damn well feel like it,” Rumsfeld grunted. He then looked to the reporters. “So what do you want?”
“Do you think that you sent too few troops to Iraq?” asked a reporter.
“Are you questioning my military strategy?” Rumsfeld demanded angrily.
“Well, uh…”
“You, a brainless reporter, thinks he knows more about how many troops a conflict takes than the Secretary of War?”
“I just…”
“It’s tiring me carrying a gun this heavy,” Rumsfeld stated, pulling out his luger, “Maybe I should lighten it.”
“No no!” the reporter shouted, “Question withdrawn!”
“Anyone else want to waste my time?” Rumsfeld asked as he put away his gun.
“What are your plans for settling Iraq and afterwards?” asked another reporter.
“We will civilize Iraq, killing all the terrorists and Baath party members and who ever else strikes our fancy. Then, we will begin forcefully converting everyone to Christianity. This will coincide with our attacks on other Middle Eastern countries.”
“Convert everyone to Christianity?” asked one confused reporter.
“What? Did you think this war was all about oil?” Rumsfeld scoffed. “We, the West, have always been bitter about losing the Crusades. Unlike the silly Muslims, we’ve been able to keep our resentment quiet. See, back then, we were backwards in comparison to the Muslims and wholly outmatched, but now we have laser guided cruise missiles while they have just rocks and sticks. Thus finally the Crusades can be completed and the Holy Land will return to Christian hands.”
“You can’t force religion on people!” a reporter exclaimed.
“Actually, studies show that torture and threat of death is quite effective at religious conversions,” Condi added.
“So you’re going to convert everyone in the Middle East?”
“Either that or kill them,” Rumsfeld said, “except for those Jews; they’re some tough motherf–kers.”
“What about freedom of religion?” asked an exasperated reporter.
“That’s only for Americans,” Rumsfeld answered, “It is the administration’s position that only Americans have God-given rights, He having forsaken all other countries.”
“So you’re going to take over all the Middle East?”
“No, rulership will be handed to the pope in the spirit of the Crusades. Then history books will have to be written to say that, while the Crusades started out rough, they were eventually successful due to the Bush administration.”
“And his plucky National Security Advisor,” Condi chimed in.
“The American people won’t stand for this!” one reporter asserted.
“According to polling data, the American people don’t care what we do militarily as long as bad people die and their prime time television doesn’t get interrupted with news breaks. Also, while the American people support other religious views, they wish Muslim women would wear more revealing clothing.”
“Isn’t this the worst fears of the Muslims in the Middle East?”
“Yes,” Rumsfeld chuckled, “And everyone thought they were nuts in thinking we wanted to conquer them all. Well, they’re still nuts, but they were right.”
“Wouldn’t Jesus be against torture and murder in his name?”
“Well, Jesus isn’t running the show; I am!” Rumsfeld answered angrily, “This is a matter of honor for the western world. We’re not just satisfied being economically, militarily, and hygienically superior to the Islamic extremists, we want to say we won the Crusades too.”
“We have to get going now,” Condi told the reporters, “We need to get fitted for our suits of armor and then pick out our swords for severing the heads of the unbelievers.”
“Did you hear Bush still wants to wear his cowboy hat with his armor,” Rumsfeld grumbled, “What a jackass.”
“We still have a lot more questions about this!” insisted a reporter.
Rumsfeld drew a broadsword. “This press conference is over unless you wish me to smite thee!”
The reporters all fled the room in terror.
“God, they’re gullible,” Condi laughed, “Now they’ll all be distracted by this while we steal us some oil.”
Rumsfeld looked a little sullen. “Really did want to smite someone, though.”
Wow. Just . . . wow.
I especially like Rumsfeld’s “This press conference is over unless you wish me to smite thee!” Priceless.
Carnival of the Inanities
It’s my weekend! Yay! Time to see what good stuff I have missed while I was slaving over a hot projector and flinging popcorn at annoying urchins… The Everlasting Phelps eloquently fisks an article that decries the “franchising” of President…
ROFL…again!
Convert away. Might actually do some good.
Linky Dink Wednesday
Self-described “slander-blog” Amish Tech Support responds to a letter by the mom of an austic kid who was called a “f**king moron in a previous post. (Funnier than it sounds, folks!) In sharp contrast, Kevin at Wizbang! points us towa…
Linky Dink Wednesday
Self-described “slander-blog” Amish Tech Support responds to a letter by the mom of an austic kid who was called a “f**king moron in a previous post. (Funnier than it sounds, folks!) In sharp contrast, Kevin at Wizbang! points us towa…
Man I laughed so hard at this my vision went black.
Don’t make me smite you
Frank J’s take on (his dream?) press conference. Snippet: “Well, Jesus isn’t running the show; I am!” Rumsfeld answered angrily, “This is a matter of honor for the western world. We’re not just satisfied being economically, militarily, and hygienically…
I think this in my world stuff is just big talk to cover up Frank’s cowardice.
That’s funny. Funny as hell!
“they’re some tough motherf–kers”
I enjoy your work but the phrase above is obscene and unpleasant in the extreme and you could lose it without your work suffering in the slightest.
“You can’t force religion on people!” a reporter exclaimed.
“Actually, studies show that torture and threat of death is quite effective at religious conversions,” Condi added.
I love that can-do spirit!
Ronald Van Wegen,
Can it hippie. I thought that was the best line in there.
Maybe it’s just the “arrogant aggressive uncultured American” in me.
Remarkable, truly remarkable! Rummy shows extraordinary restraint by not shooting even one of those whiny, Vietnam-fixated reporters!!
Instapundo delenda est, from one of the newest members of the Alliance
Ronald,
I have to disagree. I don’t use swaering at all in normal discourse, but it makes for extreme statements that are useful in humor. Of course, I’m the worst judge of which lines in my piece are actually funny.
Warmongerer,
He also never said “Rarr!” I realized. Well, I don’t want to overdue his catch phrase. This IMW was in response to people saying these had gotten too weird, and so I wanted to do just a regular press conference like in the old days (I’ve long ago given up trying to make these sound like actual news articles, though).
Frank,
This time you judged correctly: the “except for those Jews; they’re some tough motherf–kers.” is monitor-threatening hilarious. Like RVW, I can generally pass on the profanity, but it was spot on here.
Now you’ve done it – the master plan is in the open. Gonna have to get the Rumsfeld alien stormtroopers out to rein you in, boy…
It’s been ages since I came across some good smite action. More please!
FINALY! Rumsfeld is back in action! I had been missing his luger.
And with none of that aqauman crap!
“I enjoy your work but the phrase above is obscene and unpleasant in the extreme and you could lose it without your work suffering in the slightest.”
– – -Mr Van Wegen,
Please reference the BlogWar Geneva Convention On the Use of Language.
(scroll down if page does not load properly. I’ve been having problems with that…suggestions?)
You’ll find that:
“1: Foul Language shall be permitted, at the users discretion, so long as it is not deposited on the site of a non-BlogWarrior, or a Blog-Warrior who finds such language unacceptable.
2: Language may be edited, to obscure the actual word.
3: It is not necessary that the Second Rule shall coincide with the First.”
A Rumsfeld Press Conference
As imagined by the inimitable (and I mean that in a good way!) Frank J. I’ll just give you a
FrankJ, it did seem kind of “retro” — like an IMW that you might have written before Rummy went completely insane with rage and Condi went completely insane with ambition. I was just wondering if it was on purpose. I like it! But the crazier stuff is great, too! Whatever… I’m easy.
Crusades? No, no Crusades here – wrong number.
Frank J thinks this war is actually part of a secret plan to re-fight the Crusades. How crazy is that? I mean how off-the-wall and freaky, Ha ha! See, I’m actually laughing at the sheer nonsensicality of it! (Condi, there’s…
A brief diatribe from an angry American
I am intensely proud to be an American in 2003. I support our unabashed promotion of democracy with the patient fervor of a patriot who quietly knows we are right. We have the power to overwhelm and conquer any nation on earth, yet we don’t. We consistently work to support struggling countries, encouraging them to nurture democracy and their own rule of law. We often fail at this, but we keep on trying. We are the world’s largest provider of humanitarian and medical aid, while we are denounced as the Great Satan. At this I can only shake my head and sigh. Have we so soon forgotten the lessons of WWII? Can you even try to imagine the looks on the faces of American G.I.’s in Germany as they came across the death camps? They had no concept of the horror, no idea that other human beings were capable of such things–we are just 5 decades removed from this tragic, soul-searing sequence of events, yet people look to the horrendous example of Saddam’s Iraq and want MORE TIME?
I watched footage this weekend that sent a chill through my heart. I saw videotape of the Kurds after they had been put down by Saddam’s chemical weapons. Please understand that we are not talking about battle-ready men of fighting age. We are talking about a VILLAGE. Men, women, children. Strewn in disarrayed piles like so much cordwood. People who were sitting in their homes, going about their meager existence, stopped in mid-movement by a weapon they breathed in with the air they needed to live. This footage is horrifyingly similar to what those American G.I.’s saw in Auschwitz.
Yesterday I read an Amnesty International report (it’s online for anyone to see) about the torture perpetrated by Saddam’s regime. I felt physically sick before I was three paragraphs into it. How would you like to be bound hand and foot, hung from a metal pipe, and be left to listen to your daughter being raped in the next room because your wife’s brother was suspected of sympathizing with anti-saddam rebels? We should give him MORE TIME?
The French have ‘always been around when they needed us’ (thanks to a solemn, serious Marine for that). They are not supporting us now because they have other, more important interests. They sell a tremendous amount of goods to Iraq, both within and beyond the limits set by U.N. sanctions. Their economy is in trouble. They get mileage in the international community by defying the U.S. They are not interested in liberating Iraq. They are interested in their own skin, and what they can do to both save it and clothe it. Who can blame them? I CAN. Lily-livered surrender-monkeys, eating their brie and spouting off about the ‘–uncivilized, brutish Americans.’ I didn’t hear them complaining when we pulled their skinny, pale little quivering asses out of one conflict after another. What do the French make? Great wine and cars that won’t start when it rains. Bad food and good perfume (produced to overcome the fact that a once-a-month bath isn’t enough). They are known the world over for a pompous attitude and poor dental health. And these people have veto power in the U.N.? And guess what? They want us to give Saddam MORE TIME?
Russia. Hoo-boy. If there was ever poster-child for a country needing to be sent to bed without supper, this is it. They have oil problems, crime problems, and garden-variety people-freezing-to-death problems. They need to SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP. We will take care of this little problem in Iraq, and the whole time Russia will keep getting its humanitarian aid from the U.S. taxpayers.
China. Okay, I know: The world’s most populous country, a million men under-arms. We don’t want to tangle with them. But guess what? We could. They don’t want a piece of this. Trust me. It would be terrible, but we could do it, and do it while still going to work every day and picking up McDonald’s on the way home.
North Korea: Listen, you pot-bellied little freak, Kim-jon-ill: We have submarines with more nuclear capabilities than your paltry mind can conceive of. A couple are sitting off of your coast right now. Go ahead, make our day, you brandy-swilling, whore-mongering little excuse for a leader. Go starve a few thousand more of your citizens. I am guessing they will also throw us a parade.
Israel? Look at a map. Israel is a tiny little blip in a huge tract of Arab land. It is freakin’ Rhode Island in the middle of Texas, for God’s sake, and the Palestinians want its land? Israel won that land in the six-day war of 1967 after they were attacked! They drove back the invaders and wound up a little farther in Gaza than they started. Too bad, islamofascists, you again demonstrated how bad you really are at a straight up actual War. God had a few choice words about the land of Israel, and you might want pick up a bible and read it instead of using it to level out that table with a short leg. The United States’ support of Israel will NEVER wane. That little island of democracy will suffer the murder of its people at the hands of cowards for as long as it takes to kill all the cowards, and we will stand by her and we will not flinch.
Oh, and one more: Belgium? Do you remember giving parades to the American G.I.’s who parachuted into your country and kicked the German’s out? Do you remember shaving the heads of the women who supported the Nazis? You have a short memory, and by the way, you’re BELGIUM for god’s sakes! Sit the F*** down!
My stepson is in the Army. My father served. My sister served in the Navy. My father-in-law fought in Korea. My uncle was a marine for two tours in Vietnam. My little brother just signed up, Army Rangers. I have shared a thanksgiving table with these people. Believe me; you do not want to get between them and their American Way.
P.S.; I almost forgot: Al-Queda? Bring it on, motherf***ers. We will mourn our dead and we will shed our tears, but we will root you bastards out wherever you hide. We will not stop; our children and their children will not stop. We will find you, and we will give you a fair trial with competent legal representation, and then we will kill you.
Have a nice day.
Very sincerely,
William Harrison
Bill:
Thanks. You took the words right outta my mouth.
All About Jesus
This man is a genius. He never fails to make me laugh. OK, not EVERY post makes me laugh, and the whole blog war thing is just silly, but still – he makes me laugh almost every single day. This…
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John Freeman
All About Jesus
This man is a genius. He never fails to make me laugh. OK, not EVERY post makes me laugh, and the whole blog war thing is just silly, but still – he makes me laugh almost every single day. This…
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