Links of the Day

First off, I’m way behind on e-mail. I read everything sent, but I often flag e-mail for follow up when I have more time to think of a good reply. Now I have like a million flagged e-mails (including many from when I was gone last week). Tomorrow after work, I’m going to try and take care of a lot of them.
Second, I just got my Misha Mug, and it is a work of art. The gold trim at the rim just makes it perfect. It’s almost too good looking to drink coffee from. ThoseShirts.com seems as good with mugs as they are with t-shirts.
Anyway, links!
Here’s a story of a man whose picture should be in the dictionary next to “American Hero.” I have We Were Soldiers on my Netflix rental queue to see that part of his life which I was too young to hear of firsthand, but we all know of what made his final chapter.
The Patriette has a form for getting a date with her. I like this idea. I should put out a form that makes me more like an exclusive club. Yeah, that will get me more women. While I think about that, I’ll fill out the Patriette’s form and see how I do.
I have a great interest in security, computer and otherwise, and Brian J. has something everyone should read about shredding documents.
A Libertarian in the Countryside has moved and changed names to Alice Bachini (though Alice Bachini herself is unchanged).
I’m starting to wonder if Blackfive is just a great liar. He has too many awesome anecdotes.
Plus, I have some words for Alliance members.
Tomorrow I hope to write a bit about my brothers wedding along with the usual political stuff. See you then.

Frank Answers: Socialists, Monkey Fist, Do Dogs Know of the Puppy Blender, and Ramming Communists

Tim H from Viera, FL writes:
I’m pretty sure we can establish that you hate commies. What are your thoughts on socialists?
Basically socialists are watered down Commies who are in risk of becoming full-fledged Commies. I wouldn’t necessarily say to kill all socialists, though. Instead, a good beating may suffice.
Example:

SOCIALIST: The government should have more control over business.
YOU: No. (punch punch punch)
SOCIALIST: I now see the error of my ways.

A good beating could prevent a socialist from becoming a Commie. Remember: Only YOU can prevent forest fires Communists.
JFH in Charleston, South Carolina writes:
Was looking at the bag containing a McDonald’s “Happy Meal” that my wife had bought my 4 year-old and noticed that one of Kim Possible’s enemies was a guy named Monkey Fist. (see this link for a description). Not only does this guy love monkeys, but he has an army of ninja monkeys to do his evil bidding! Worse yet, he’s the one villain that my son thinks is “cool” (I blame the influence of “Power Rangers – Ninja Storm” on his fascination of ninjas). The question is: Should I be worried that my son could grow up to love monkeys and ninjas, or is this just a phase he’s going through?
First off, I have to praise you on being a good father and keeping watch on what is influencing your child. Now, I, not being “hip” or “with it”, have never heard of “Kim Possible”. At least this monkey ninja character is a villain, so perhaps the show is teaching good moral values. Your child should not think this villain is “cool”, though. Instead, he should revile him. Perhaps you should have a frank talk with your son explaining to him that monkeys and ninjas are always bad. While you’re at it, tell him not to do drugs, thus killing two birds with one stone. Also, you may want to burn down the local McDonalds to further drive home your point. Don’t worry; there should be another one less than five blocks away.
Oh, and, as with all my parenting advice, you should not do as I say under any circumstances. To me, kids are just fun targets to confuse the hell out of.
Alexandra from Fort Worth, TX writes:
I have a 3 month old German shepherd puppy. On Friday night, when I was busy in the kitchen, the puppy started chewing the leg of the kitchen table. She wouldn’t stop chewing the table leg when I told her not to chew it, so I threatened her by saying “if you don’t stop that right now, I’ll give you to the puppy-blender!” My puppy was instantly so contrite, that I felt bad. Now I have two questions: (1) was I wrong to have threatened her with the puppy-blender in order to get her to obey me?; and (2) How did she know about the puppy-blender? I find this latter question especially baffling. To the best of my knowledge, she doesn’t surf the internet during the day while I’m at work, and she came from a very reputable kennel south of Dallas, where I doubt such ugly matters as puppy-blending are discussed. Her instant compliance after I made the puppy-blender threat, however, demonstrated that she knew exactly who the puppy-blender is. I am very troubled by this. Please share your wisdom.
German Shepherds are my favorite dogs, as they are quite smart. As for your questions:
(1) I would say you are wrong to use such a threat. First of all, it’s a bluff (I assume you love your dog to much to actually give her to the Puppy Blender). Second, it’s so powerful a threat, it could actually traumatize your puppy, affecting her later in life.
(2) Dogs have a special ability to sense evil, thus they are all acutely aware of the Puppy Blender though never having actually heard of him. Dogs barking uncontrollably is always a sign that White Glenn – or a Terminator – is near.
Megan from Cleveland, OH writes:
While driving yesterday I spotted someone driving a Toyota Celica with the license plate, 6 Mao. This led me to believe that they had someone fit six communists in the car. I thought that my best plan of action was to speed up and hit the car while going as fast as possible. My question to you is, do communists have car insurance?
If I understand your plan, you would ram the car and then fix yours with an insurance claim, since the crash would be entirely the other party’s fault (as any American insurance company would agree) since he had a license plate of “6 Mao”. The only problem, as you figured, is that a Communist may not have car insurance.
Remember that there are two types of Communists commonly encountered in America: idiotic college professors and hippies. Idiotic college professors, despite the supposed justness of our capitalistic economy, actually make enough money to live on and probably have car insurance. Hippies, on the other hand, are treated much more fairly by our economy and probably don’t have enough money for car insurance. While you may be able to tell hippy from college professor by the car he or she drives, I think the best option is to lean out your window and shoot at the car. Sure, you won’t get compensated for your ammo, but what’s the cost of a few bullets in the grand scheme of things? Shooting while driving is almost as distracting as talking on a cell phone while driving, though, so be careful.


Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

In My World: Autocide Bomber

“Wow! You got a neat place here in Israel!” Bush exclaimed, playing around with things in Ariel Sharon’s office. “What’s this?”
“It’s an uzi; don’t touch that!” Sharon chided him.
“So I hear you have a lot of Jews here in Israel. Is that true?”
“Well, back in 1947…”
“Hey, who’s this?” Bush called out.
“That’s a guy named Uzi; don’t touch him!”
“I heard Jesus was born near here,” Bush said, “Do you still see him around? If you do, can you ask him about having the Democrats smote. I hear he has contacts to get that done.”
“No, I haven’t seen Jesus,” Sharon said impatiently, “Aren’t you here to talk about the suicide bombings?”
“The what now?”
“Don’t you watch the news?”
“No, that’s what I have advisors for,” motioning to Colin Powell and Donald Rumsfeld, “I brought my wussiest advisor and my most violent and blood thirsty advisor.”
“Which one is which?” Sharon asked.
“I dunno; ask them a question.”
“What do you think we should do about the terrorists who target our children for murder?” Sharon inquired.
“Well, we need to talk to them and get to the root causes…” Powell started to say.
“Kill them all!” Rumsfeld yelled, “They will be peaceful when they are dead!”
“I like the second one’s attitude,” Sharon whispered to Bush, “but what with his dog?”
Chomps, the world’s angriest dog, ripped a piece out of the drywall and began chewing it apart.
“That’s just Chomps,” Bush explained, “He’s a little mentally unstable, but he’s pretty famous too. He’s been in three different episodes of When Animals Attack.”
Suddenly they could hear ululation. “What’s that?” Bush asked.
“I think it’s a suicide bomber,” Sharon answered.
They all looked out the window and saw a crazed man running towards the building. He stopped at a car and then exploded.
“My Buick!” Rumsfeld cried.
“It was just a rental,” Bush said.
“But it’s the principle of the thing!” Rumsfeld asserted, “It’s time to exile Arafat… to hell!”
“I think we shouldn’t be so hasty…” Powell started to say.
“Rarr!” Rumsfeld yelled, picking Powell up and throwing him out the window. He then charged out of the building, Chomps following him.
“Should we go help Colin Powell?” Sharon asked.
“No, Rumsfeld throws him out the window all the time; he used to it, Sharon.”
“SHARE-OWN,” Sharon corrected him, “It’s a long ‘o’.”
“Whatever.”


“This is Melinda Hawkish reporting from the Gaza Strip. A celebration has erupted, many Palestinians cheering the mindless destruction of the Secretary of Defense’s rental car, dancing around like crazed monkeys.
“Wait, some figure seems to be joining the crowd… a figure and his dog. Now it’s blood everywhere, the celebration ending with an attack so violent you’d think a Palestinian was involved. Luckily, we brought a tarp, so my blouse will be protected from the splash damage.”


“So, did we kill the American Secretary of Defense?” Arafat asked.
“No, we only got his car,” answered one of his men.
“P’lo!” Arafat exclaimed, slapping his head. “What should we do?”
“Kill the Jews!” answered one of his advisors.
“Joooos! Keeeel!” answered another advisor.
“There seems to be a man charging us,” said one guard, “Much like a suicide bomber… except without the bomb or the suicide.”
“Rarr!” Rumsfeld yelled as he and Chomps busted through the wall, “You destroyed my car. Now you die!”
Rumsfeld and Chomps then began to lose their footing.
“I covered the floor in baby wipes,” Arafat laughed evilly, “Don’t… wipe out. Muh ha ha ha!”
Both Rumsfeld and Chomps tumbled to the ground. This made them angry.
Very angry.
“Rarr!” Rumsfeld screamed.
“Gerawer!” Chomps growled.
The force of their combined anger caused the entire room to burst into flames, burning up the baby wipes. Chomps leapt at the guards, his maw open expectantly, while Rumsfeld grabbed Arafat.
“Don’t kill me!” Arafat pleaded.
Rumsfeld calmed down a bit. “Though you blew up my Buick, I guess there are others who deserve to kill you more.”


“Now, to finally exile Arafat, we will launch him out of this cannon,” Sharon announced before the gathered Israelis. With a cheer, the cannon was fired, and Arafat went tumbling through the air.
“I’ll be back!” he vowed before disappearing into the distance.
“So you think this will bring peace to the Middle East?” Bush asked.
“I really don’t give a rat’s ass,” Sharon answered, “I just wanted to see Arafat fired out of a cannon.”
“We all did,” Bush said with a smile as he patted Sharon on his back, “We all did.”