“Wow! You got a neat place here in Israel!” Bush exclaimed, playing around with things in Ariel Sharon’s office. “What’s this?”
“It’s an uzi; don’t touch that!” Sharon chided him.
“So I hear you have a lot of Jews here in Israel. Is that true?”
“Well, back in 1947…”
“Hey, who’s this?” Bush called out.
“That’s a guy named Uzi; don’t touch him!”
“I heard Jesus was born near here,” Bush said, “Do you still see him around? If you do, can you ask him about having the Democrats smote. I hear he has contacts to get that done.”
“No, I haven’t seen Jesus,” Sharon said impatiently, “Aren’t you here to talk about the suicide bombings?”
“The what now?”
“Don’t you watch the news?”
“No, that’s what I have advisors for,” motioning to Colin Powell and Donald Rumsfeld, “I brought my wussiest advisor and my most violent and blood thirsty advisor.”
“Which one is which?” Sharon asked.
“I dunno; ask them a question.”
“What do you think we should do about the terrorists who target our children for murder?” Sharon inquired.
“Well, we need to talk to them and get to the root causes…” Powell started to say.
“Kill them all!” Rumsfeld yelled, “They will be peaceful when they are dead!”
“I like the second one’s attitude,” Sharon whispered to Bush, “but what with his dog?”
Chomps, the world’s angriest dog, ripped a piece out of the drywall and began chewing it apart.
“That’s just Chomps,” Bush explained, “He’s a little mentally unstable, but he’s pretty famous too. He’s been in three different episodes of When Animals Attack.”
Suddenly they could hear ululation. “What’s that?” Bush asked.
“I think it’s a suicide bomber,” Sharon answered.
They all looked out the window and saw a crazed man running towards the building. He stopped at a car and then exploded.
“My Buick!” Rumsfeld cried.
“It was just a rental,” Bush said.
“But it’s the principle of the thing!” Rumsfeld asserted, “It’s time to exile Arafat… to hell!”
“I think we shouldn’t be so hasty…” Powell started to say.
“Rarr!” Rumsfeld yelled, picking Powell up and throwing him out the window. He then charged out of the building, Chomps following him.
“Should we go help Colin Powell?” Sharon asked.
“No, Rumsfeld throws him out the window all the time; he used to it, Sharon.”
“SHARE-OWN,” Sharon corrected him, “It’s a long ‘o’.”
“Whatever.”
“This is Melinda Hawkish reporting from the Gaza Strip. A celebration has erupted, many Palestinians cheering the mindless destruction of the Secretary of Defense’s rental car, dancing around like crazed monkeys.
“Wait, some figure seems to be joining the crowd… a figure and his dog. Now it’s blood everywhere, the celebration ending with an attack so violent you’d think a Palestinian was involved. Luckily, we brought a tarp, so my blouse will be protected from the splash damage.”
“So, did we kill the American Secretary of Defense?” Arafat asked.
“No, we only got his car,” answered one of his men.
“P’lo!” Arafat exclaimed, slapping his head. “What should we do?”
“Kill the Jews!” answered one of his advisors.
“Joooos! Keeeel!” answered another advisor.
“There seems to be a man charging us,” said one guard, “Much like a suicide bomber… except without the bomb or the suicide.”
“Rarr!” Rumsfeld yelled as he and Chomps busted through the wall, “You destroyed my car. Now you die!”
Rumsfeld and Chomps then began to lose their footing.
“I covered the floor in baby wipes,” Arafat laughed evilly, “Don’t… wipe out. Muh ha ha ha!”
Both Rumsfeld and Chomps tumbled to the ground. This made them angry.
Very angry.
“Rarr!” Rumsfeld screamed.
“Gerawer!” Chomps growled.
The force of their combined anger caused the entire room to burst into flames, burning up the baby wipes. Chomps leapt at the guards, his maw open expectantly, while Rumsfeld grabbed Arafat.
“Don’t kill me!” Arafat pleaded.
Rumsfeld calmed down a bit. “Though you blew up my Buick, I guess there are others who deserve to kill you more.”
“Now, to finally exile Arafat, we will launch him out of this cannon,” Sharon announced before the gathered Israelis. With a cheer, the cannon was fired, and Arafat went tumbling through the air.
“I’ll be back!” he vowed before disappearing into the distance.
“So you think this will bring peace to the Middle East?” Bush asked.
“I really don’t give a rat’s ass,” Sharon answered, “I just wanted to see Arafat fired out of a cannon.”
“We all did,” Bush said with a smile as he patted Sharon on his back, “We all did.”
Brilliant, as usual.
This is some of the funniest satire in the blogosphere.
There should definitely be more firings out of cannons in the world. (Hee hee, Daschle)
That would be a great way to inaugurate the replaced World Trade Center when they get it built. We could put a huge circus cannon, painted red, white, and blue, on top of the new buildings and fire democrats into the harbor (or fire pit, whatever…) It would be great fun.
Holy sh*t, Frank J.
One of your funniest lines ever.
Oh, blog it!
Blogosphere comedian Frank J is at it again. This time, Dubya visits Israel. Fun-filled hi-jinks ensue. Two interesting blogs on opposite sides of the fence: Belmont Club provides an intelligent, Western-oriented analysis of the War on Terror. Islam-4…
“P’lo!” Arafat exclaimed…. That is just a new classic! Too too funny! Good one Frank!
Someday I’m gonna learn not to drink anything when I read these.
HAH HAH HAH, SNORT. That’s the funniest thing I’ve read in weeks, keep up the quality work.
HAH HAH HAH, SNORT. That’s the funniest thing I’ve read in weeks, keep up the quality work.
Yay! It’s Monday!
And that means a new In My World!…
Ever get the sense that Powell’s “that would not be helpful” BS is just the Bush Administration’s way of saying, “that would not be helpful, WINK WINK NUDGE NUDGE, DO WHATEVER YOU WANT WHILE WE FUTILELY SAY IT’S NOT HELPFUL, oops, I said the loud part quiet and the quiet part loud, silly me!”?
Hey, it’s probably a foolish sense, a pie-in-the-sky sense, but I sense a bit of it every time I see Powell bloviate about it without any actual action on our part to stop Israel.
LOL Frank–thanks! I really enjoyed that.
Dave, I think you’re on to something….
HOW TO EXILE ARAFAT
Sometimes, things are just funny.”Now, to finally exile Arafat, we will launch him out of this cannon,” Sharon announced before the gathered Israelis. With a cheer, the cannon was fired, and Arafat went tumbling through the air. “I’ll be back!”…
It’s sooooo good to have you back, Frank. Now the rest of my co-workers have someone to stare at in puzzlement as I make weird little “must… not… laugh…” faces.
“It’s time to exile Arafat… to hell!” — LOL
Great follow up to Arafat’s previous appearance
“Wow, I always said that Arafat’s a nice
guy,” Bush responded, “That’s why I told
the Israelis that, when they kill him, to
do it quickly and painlessly.”
“They said no,” he added.
The only thing that could make it better is if Israel makes sure there’s no follow up to this one and really does kill Arafat.
Freakin’ funny, Frank! I needed a good chuckle today and this certainly took care of that.
Bush’s last line to Sharon was priceless, as well as Rummy’s “It’s time to exile Arafat…to hell!”
Ah, the highlight of my day…
“I really don’t give a rat’s ass,” Sharon answered, “I just wanted to see Arafat fired out of a cannon.”
Yes yes yes I want to see Arafat fired out of a cannon too!!
“I just wanted to see Arafat fired out of a cannon.”
From Frank’s Mouth………….
“Much like a suicide bomber… except without the bomb or the suicide.”
Genius. Pure. Unequivocal. Genius.
“I heard Jesus was born near here,” Bush said, “Do you still see him around? If you do, can you ask him about having the Democrats smote. I hear he has contacts to get that done.”
classic 😀
Great!
Frank, great to have you back. An excellent laugh, as always. My favorite line:
For the 3rd time:
“It’s time to exile Arafat… to hell!”
It’s still funny.
Some people worship god (I do), I can now assume that there are those out there that worship you.
I grew fast and he grew up mean.
My fists got hard and my wits grew keen.
I tell you life ain’t easy for a boy named Sharon.
And Ariel aint so great either. No wonder he’s so tough. He’s got twice the problem of the boy named Sue.