Archive of entries posted on 16th September 2003

Ten Best – My Picks

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Here’s a rough draft of my picks for top ten posts… whoops, I guess that’s eleven. Well, I’ll just call it a “Baker’s Ten”. Anyway, I wanted it to be a good sampling of humor so that I could point someone new to this site to this list to see what I’m all about. I didn’t want it too dominated by In My World™ posts, and those I chose I wanted to be understandable to someone who had never read one before. So, do you think I missed a really good one that better deserves to be on this list? When I finish making the picks I’ll make a permanent page of my best posts with an intro explaining my site.
Hating Michael Moore
Terrorist FAQ
A Frank Guide to Homeland Security Alert Levels
Know Thy Enemy: Airline Terrorists
Usually It’s the One with the Gun Who Gets to Ask the Questions
Frank Answers: Ninjas, Irresistible Forces, Light Bulbs, and You’re the Pussy
In My World: Rumsfeld Wants Talks with North Korean Leader
In My World: Stupid People No Like War
In My World: If Iraq Uses WMD’s, the U.S. May Respond with Happiness
In My World: Cheney Wishes Undisclosed Location Was More Disclosed
In My World: Career Day

Frank Answers: Punching Frenchmen, Liberals Controlling the Weather, and Pinko Pups

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Jake D from Sunny Melbourne asks:
If you punch a Frenchman in the face and no-one is looking, shouldn’t you do it again?
Of course! Keep punching until someone protests. Then punch that person. Keep ice handy.
RMH from Jacksonville, FL writes:
As you may know, there is a huge hurricane headed straight for the North Carolina/Virginia area. I am also sure that you are well aware that there are two major military bases in the vicinity. My question is: Do you think this is just an uncontrollable act of mother nature or is it perhaps an evil creation of the vast left-wing conspiracy in their attempts to harm our mighty military without being obvious about it and without having to take the blame for it?
If the liberals have gained the ability to control weather, that is cause for concern, but I think that the weapons of the left are still mainly whining and B.O. Mother Nature has always been a capricious bitch, and it’s up to us right-wingers to one day settle her and make her do our bidding. The environment is ours to control. It is our right.
As for our military men and women stuck on those bases, as a civilian I would just like to say: Stop being such a bunch of whiners. If you can’t handle hundreds of miles an hour winds, how you gonna kill for’ners? MY tax money DEMANDS you to be tough.
DES from Warren, MA writes:
I have a Siberian Husky. She’s not very well behaved. Do you think she might be a Communist?
Raising dogs can always be tough for outdated encryption algorithms, especially if you suspect your dog to be a Communist. Don’t worry too much, though, as dogs are very American animals and rarely ever are Communists. There are signs to check for, just in case:

Does she seem perturbed that others who go out and work all day make more money than she does sitting around all day and licking herself?
When offered a bandana to wear, will she only put on a red one?
Will she bark up a storm unless you turn on NPR?

If you seriously suspect your dog to be a Communist, you’ll probably have to pay good money for an obedience school. When she learns that being a good dog equals yummy treats, she’ll shed her Communist ways like her winter coat… but without all the brushing.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Bite-Sized Wisdom: Recall Delay, Patriot Act Hysteria, Amanpour, the Wedding, and What I’m Up To

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  • I was like, “Oh no; the recall is delayed.” Then I realized it was the 9th who made the decision, the most overturned court in the nation, so I knew this was just another temper tantrum of theirs to get attention. Let’s just ignore them until the Supreme Court has a look-see.
  • And why is everyone down on punch card ballots because they’re more prone to voter error? Voter error is just God’s way of making sure that people too dumb to follow simple instructions are not the ones deciding the future of our nation.
  • It’s certainly not a hobby of mine to defend Howard Dean (then again, I still think his winning the primary will help Bush in the general), but why is there a controversy that a humorous line he used in his debate was actually coached. Haven’t people anticipated question and come up with great responses since the word debate was first coined?
  • People seem to be freaking out about the Patriot Act like all ‘ell, but I still can’t get enough interest to even read much about it. I guess I’ve just gotten used to when there is this much smoke in politics, there probably ain’t no fire.
  • Christiane Amanpour said her reporting on Iraq was affected by intimidation by the White House and Fox News. Fox News responded by saying that if she doesn’t shut up, they’ll beat the crap out of her while the White House subtly hinted that she could be disappeared.
  • To try and appeal to women voters, Schwar… Arnold went on the Oprah Winfrey show. That’s the problem with women voters: I will never respect them when their impressed by people talking to Oprah instead of, like us men, being impressed by whoever vows to “kill the bastards”.
  • As you all know, I had radio silence a good portion of last week since I was attending the wedding of my brother, Joe foo’ the Marine, to the lovely Denise. I ended up catching the garter belt though I didn’t want too – none of us did. I used my brother privilege to stand in the front thinking it would sail overhead, but my brother can’t throw a garter for s–t and it landed right at my feet. I then, in the word of his Marine buddies, “jumped on the grenade”. Since I still had the tux on, I was thinking of walking into a bar and using it in some sort of pick up line.
  • I love gift registries. Makes buying gifts less of a mind-racking headache. Denise’s brother, though, who surprised everyone by getting back from Iraq on the day of the wedding, had a great gift. He had with him in the Middle East a picture of Joe and Denise from a Marine ball, and he paid an Iraqi to paint it into a portrait of the two. I hope I can show you all a picture of it (plus a picture of me in my tux for the ladies).
  • There is nothing better than drinking free beer while smoking stogies with a bunch of Marines and an old friend of Joe and mine we hadn’t seen in years (who was the only other one in a tux instead of dress blues) and then finishing it off with a round of Irish car bombs.
  • My main worry the whole time I was there was my toast, because I, being Joe’s brother and best man, wanted to make it special. I had a long one planned out, but at the last minute decided to abridge it. I think it went over well. One girl said it made her cry (but she was a bit tipsy). One guy asked afterwards if I ever thought of going into politics, but I said no (it seems more like something likely for my brother). I love being frank (no pun intended… okay, yes it was), and, in politics you can’t always speak your mind. I just couldn’t be that way. I even remember back in eighth grade when we were going to have a debate on abortion, and I ended up the only one against since everyone else was too intimidated by the number of people on the pro side. My arguments were piss-poor, but, hell, I stood up for what I believe in and I vow to always do. Actually, I tend to avoid mentioning abortion on this site since it’s an issue I know a lot of my readers will disagree on… but the point still stands.
  • Speaking of politics, why do I only hear good stories about Iraq when I talk to troops who had actually been there. My brother’s friend, a Marine lieutenant, was at the wedding and he kept saying how the Iraqis were the nicest people and loved the Americans being there. At martial arts yesterday, one of the students had just gotten back from Iraq. He’s an older guy who works where I work and I know must make some good money. Plus, he has a wife and two children he had to leave behind. Still, after being there and seeing all the people he helped, his only conclusion is that going to Iraq was the right thing to do. He talked about the schools he helped rebuild, teaching Iraqis kids how to use swing sets and teeter-totters (they never having seen them before) and how life had already improved for so many Iraqis in so many ways. This stuff really interests people, so how come I never hear it any other place than first hand or on blogs with letters from servicemen? WMD’s or not, there are over 24 million lives on the line, and we are doing some good, goddammit. To all those who thought we should have left the Iraqis in the misery of Saddam’s regime, I think we should ship those dumb f–ks to Iraq and let the people there do with them as they may as sort of a way to relieve the stress of the former horror. The Democrats, at least those wanting to be president, are trying to say how bad things are because they needs things to be bad… and well, that’s disgusting to the highest degree. I could go on more, but I like to limit my swearing.
  • To calm down, I just want to mention the creative projects I’m now working on or plan to get started. I have my novel I finished, and I’m going over the second draft with my Silly Sister Sarah before I write up a third draft. I also have a screenplay mostly written that I need to finish. Also, I want to try and find an agent for the humor stuff I’ve written here on this site, and I have finally come up with an idea for a long subject (novel length) humor piece that will be somewhat like my In My World™ posts and focus on Buck the Marine. Also, I have a currently hush hush Flash animation project I want to get working on. Also, I have an idea for a new holster design and borrowed a specific handgun from my dad so I can work on it. I have a lot of other things going on than these crative projects, so I expect to make myself very busy, but I’ll try to keep up my regular blogging because, well, I like to.
  • Sorry to not be so funny today. Anyway, I would just like to once again give best wishes to my brother Joe foo’ the Marine and my new sister, Denise.