Arnold is going to be governor of California, but his previous experience was acting and he has a big task ahead of him balancing the budget. So I was thinking, “Hey! He needs my advice!” So here is some advice to Arnold to be the bestest governor since Ronald Reagan and close that budget gap:
* No more groping; people want decency from their governor. People are less attractive at the capitol than Hollywood anyway. And, though your wife is related to the Kennedys, she deserves your respect.
* People need to respect you. If someone makes fun of the way you talk, smash his head between your two massive hands while shouting, “Dah!” That will be a good warning to others.
* The LA Times is obviously biased against you, so storm their headquarters with an M60 and kill them all. They probably won’t like that, but they won’t be alive to give you biased, negative coverage of the event since they’ll be dead. NOTE: No one take this out of context and say I advised Arnold to murder a bunch of people. I’m telling him to kill journalists; leave the janitorial staff at the LA Times alone.
* You have to work with a Democrat legislature, and we all know they fear neither God nor man and wish the worst for everyone. When it comes time to vote on a budget you propose, run into the capitol and start throwing people around. This will intimidate them to vote your way.
* There are millions of illegal aliens in California, and they cost the taxpayers money. Since it’s too hard to go around and find out who is an illegal alien and who isn’t, just deport everyone in San Francisco.
* If you need more money, you could set up lemonade stands around your borders and sell to the states around you. Mmm… lemonade.
* To set the pace of budget cuts, whatever bureaucracy in California is wasting the most money, blow it up.
* Keep a dog with you at all times. If you are really successful, you may cause the downfall of the Democrats in the future. Thus, those future Democrats may send back a robot disguised as a man to kill you. Dogs are good at identifying those.
* I know you campaigned saying you’re for gun control, but come on; you’re Arnold. Liberalize laws on guns and then save money by cutting the police force in a program called “Shoot Your Own Damn Criminals”.
* The Indians have been having a free ride ever since we stole their land, enslaved them, and kept relocating them. It’s time to make their casinos pay their fair share.
* If people are going to reduce spending, you need to set an example for them, Arnold. Instead of storming into a room firing two guns at once, use only one.
* I’m usually not for taxes that target the rich, and I know you promised you wouldn’t raise them, but why not put a tax on Hollywood types who speak out for wacky causes. We’ll call it the “Being a Prick Tax”.
* Another tax idea: just like their are extra taxes on things we consider harmful like alcohol and cigarettes, being poor is a drain on the economy, so tax that.
* Finding a way to make all the money fit in California could be hard, so find a state that doesn’t have problems with their budget and set up a meeting with their governor. Then, when no one is looking, switch budgets. Muh ha ha ha!
* If all else fails, burn down California and collect the insurance money.
Invade Nevada for their oil and to divert attention from problems at home. The Democrats are going to accuse you of plotting to do it anyway, so just do it.
“a program called ‘Shoot Your Own Damn Criminals.'”
I’m glad I read your site BEFORE I bought my morning Pepsi…
“Shoot Your Own Damn Criminals”
The acronym is SYODC which would probably start being pronounced as “show dic*” which is really too bad since they should be trying to show some balls.
“You have to work with a Democrat legislature, and we all no they fear neither God nor man and wish the worst for everyone. When it comes time to vote on a budget you propose, run into the capitol and start throwing people around. This will intimidate them to vote your way.”
This reminds me of my favorat Demotivational quote from http://www.despair.com/
“The Best Leaders Inspire by Example. When that’s not an option, Brute Intimidation Works pretty well, too.”
the insurance idea doesn’t sound half bad! But then again, so goes the same with swapping budgets with other governors…
Congratulations, rajan r! You are the 10,000th comment to IMAO!
You win nothing.
#10,002 (counting your comment) should be worth something…
You missed an important tip.
The Ninth Circus creates many of Cullivurniya’s problems. Give them the Circus Treament. Paint up a Hummer to look like a clown car; load all those clowns in black robes into the car; pick up the car with a hoist, and SLOWLY lower it into a vat of molten steel. That would be the Greatest Show on Earth. I’d pay $1000.00 on pay-per-view to watch it.
The Ninth Circus reminds me of the La Brea Tar Pits for some reason…
I bet those black robes wouldn’t stand out against a tar background at all. Yo could lay one of those robes right on top of the tar and it wouldn’t show up at all.
Hmm….
Do you think Ah-nold will give the 3 registered republicans in california a little heads up before burning the state down? The code word to get out can be “toomah”.
Cosmetic Surgery Tax!
Can you imagine the revenue California would gain from a 10% tax on boob jobs and Botox injections? Cher would contribute at least $10,000 a year…and then there’s Michael Jackson! $50,000? $100,000?
Ah-nuld,
Keep your hands off my freaking Indian casino money. It’s free money, I earned it, your people paid for it, my people deserve it.
Chief Jesse “Running Deer” Jackson
Ahnold should start looking for a protégé, somebody to nurture and protect, so he can show that person the ropes, teach them the intricacies of politics, grooming them for the next election.
That way the electorate will take you seriously, a visionaire with a long term plan.
Keanu for President.
whoa!
Arnold can host pay-per-view events in which he will wrestle (cage match style) any politician which the general public calls into an ‘800’ number. First up: 1-800-Daschle
http://emily.news-portal.com/archives/005786.php
Frank’s tips for governing California. Hillarious, as usual….
I would suggest a M249 over the M60. It is much lighter and shorter, making it easier to wield in those cubicles. :^)
Storm the LA Times with an M60? I’d rather the Governor use the more reliable M240.
sorry, Your plan will kill california, try again
Hey Jeff, its called S-A-T-I-R-E
I’ll excuse that mistake though, you being from Europe an all.
“When all else fails, burn it down and collect insurance.” Truely words to live by!
Burn down the state and collect the insurance? But doesn’t the state burn down every summer anyway courtesy of those grass fires?
“This is more fun than looking for the illusion in the china shop.”
He he, it’s funny;)) He-he;)) Sorry, couldn’t hand it;)) he he…sorry
You know, man. I like your conception!
Who said I was conceived?
You hurt my already bruised feelings, Timothy. I meant you had a great perspective on the situation that I appreciated in a special way.
Awkay, kuyz, brek eet up. You not undastond vot yoo loose egzeptin you alhmost looz dem.
“If you need more money, you could set up lemonade stands around your borders and sell to the states around you. Mmm… lemonade.”
No no no. When life hands you lemons, you squeeze the juice over someone else’s paper cut. I think we can have Arnold line up all the dips who voted for driver licenses to illegals and start squeezing…
Back in the late 80’s when I was buying a house and waiting in a realator’s office, I was skimming through a magazine for the real estate industry when I came accross an article that was lableled, and I’m not kidding, “Connan the Realator.” This guy owns a lot of California and I suppose it’s insured so…..
Several states already have a shoot your own criminal law of sorts.(concealed carry) It seems to work pretty good. It sucks that you have to pay the government a fee for a permit to carry a gun that you are constitutionally already allowed to carry. But hey it’s better than gettin arrested for carrying. I hope Arnold reads this post. It is chock full of wisdom. He is assured of success if he will only follow Frank’s sound advice.
Genius hath electric power which earth can never tame.