“The meeting of Bush Haters is called to order,” Michael Moore announced, “Jonathan Chait, please read the minutes from the last meeting.”
“By unanimous vote, we declared that we hate Bush,” Chait said as he read from the minutes that were made from hastily writing with a crayon, “Also, by unanimous vote, we declared that we are much smarter than the general populace. By majority vote, it was decided that people were much happier under Saddam than the occupying force led by Bush. We also determined that we will spend more time trying to resolve how Bush can be both extremely dumb and evil and scheming and constantly outsmarting us at the same time. Still open to debate is whether Bush is worse than Hitler.”
“I like Hitler! He kill joos!”
“Oh, I would like to welcome some new members to the Bush Haters club,” Moore said, “but I need to remind our Islamic extremist friends that we refer to Jews here as ‘neo-conservatives’. I think it’s time to open the floor to general fomenting. I’ll start.” Moore took a deep breath and fixed his hat. “I hate Bush!” he screamed, shaking the floor as he jumped up and down, “I’m too busy hating Bush to shave or bathe. And he drives me to eat excessively!”
“You could use some of your eating time to instead bathe,” suggested someone in the audience.
“You shut up!” Moore responded.
“Bathing is over-rated,” Jaques Chirac said, “Anyway, I hate Bush because he won’t recognize the moral superiority of the French. He’s always warring and liberating when the proper way to deal with foreign affairs is to be impotent and gripe about others.”
Al Fraken now stood up, his hair uncombed and his clothes disheveled. “Bush drove me to drink! I don’t just hate him, but I hate the right-wing media too that keeps labeling me as ‘deranged’! And I think the restraining order Alan Colmes put on me is overly harsh.”
“Gerrwargh lies erghwaggy!” Senator Ted Kennedy stated, flailing his arms wildly. Everyone nodded to his wisdom.
“I think we need to raise the level of discourse,” Chait stated, “There are a lot of perfectly rational reason to dislike Bush and…” Chait started getting tremors. “Who am I kidding! I just hate Bush because of how he walks and… uh… stuff.” Chait started punching a wall.
“We hate Bush because he has too many Secret Service agents guarding him!” shouted one of the Islamic extremists in the back.
“I hate Bush because he stole my pills!” yelled Helen Thomas.
A man with a bushy mustache stood up. “No one hates Bush more than me! I lost my job because of him.”
“He only cares about the rich like me,” Moore said firmly.
“And I lost two sons because of him,” the man continued.
“If only Bush would help the poor get healthcare,” Chait stated.
“Yeah… it was a healthcare issue,” the man said uneasily, “By the way, I need a place to crash since… uh… Ashcroft is after me with the Patriot Act since… uh… I said things about Bush– Yeah, that’s the ticket!”
“What your name?” Moore asked.
“Saddam Hu… I mean Ed.”
Chait answered is cell phone. “What? There is an infiltrator in our group!”
“Probably a jooo!” yelled one the Islamic extremists, “I mean neo-conservative!”
Moore looked to one of the most trusted members of the Bush Haters club. “Chomps, the world’s angriest Bush hater, do you have any suspects?”
“Gerrrarh,” Chomps answered.
“Maybe it’s just the unidentified pills I took,” Al Fraken said, “but doesn’t Chomps kinda look like a rottweiler with a mustache glued on and wearing a Rastafarian hat?”
“And he’s barely more coherent than Ted,” Chait added.
“We can’t just turn on each other for our odd appearances,” Moore said, “Then again, those are kinda sharp, jagged looking teeth he has now that I can see them since he’s curled is lips up. And the way he’s staring at each of us with a thirst for blood is a bit unsettling.”
“All this questioning of him seems to have made him angry,” Chait said, “Very angry.”
“Uh oh.”
Donald Rumsfeld sat on his back porch, drinking his whiskey. Suddenly Chomps ran up.
“There you are,” Rumsfeld exclaimed, “I always wonder where you go running off to during the day; guess you have business of your own to handle. Now what’s that in your mouth?”
Chomps dropped the item and panted happily.
“Looks like someone is missing an arm,” Rumsfeld chuckled, “Guess that’s why God gave us two.”
Hardy har har. Gets better every time. This should be a classic. So should all the others though…
Ha ha ha…I liked the part with Michael Moore jumping up and down. Imagine the earthquake…You kick ass Frank J.
I’m still curious about that Saddam Ed guy…
That’s why God gave us two
The Bush Haters Club has a surprise infiltrator….
Oh no… I have got to remember to read your column after I’ve finished my morning coffee.
“Guess that’s why God gave us two.” …. tee hee hee
I always wondered what “neo-conservatives” meant….thanks, Frank!
M is for Monday
Bush Haters of the World: Unite! LOL! Yay! The Mustard Story! I don’t know why, but that reminded me of a customer yesterday who asked if we accepted cash. Blackfive has a frightening story about blind prejudice. Hmmm…looks like I have inadvertantly …
For your information, Msr. Frank, bathing is prohibited by the Kyoto Treaty. I can’t speak for Msr. Michael Moore, however.
BWHAHAHA! Chiraq’s line “Bathing is over-rated” is a classic!:) Frank you have a gift that makes you the envy of the Blogosphere. Just when I thought the Left was sputtering incoherently against the Bush Administration, you translated their words into plain English – and they still fail to impress.
Wow, Frank, you were funny a couple of posts ago. I’ll check back later.
“”Gerrwargh lies erghwaggy!” Senator Ted Kennedy stated, flailing his arms wildly. Everyone nodded to his wisdom.”
That made me laugh so hard, I think I can skip exercising today.
Helen Thomas actually uses a variant of the classic “Molly Ivans”.
She washes down a fistful of Oxycontin with a quart of cheap gin.
Dammmit! I’ll never be satisfied until I can make shep laugh!
NO!!!!!!! Frank – don’t bother with he-who-must-not-be-named-like-a-three-stoges-character. I thought it was rather admirable how the other posters totally ignored the troll in the last comment and then even managed to be funny about it. So perhaps he’s a good troll, but that’s like saying he’s a good monkey – there is no such thing (well, except a dead one, but, ahhh nevermind).
“Frank – don’t bother with he-who-must-not-be-named-like-a-three-stoges-character.”
LOL! The crummy one, too.
WHOO! That’s the first time I’ve enjoyed the workings of chomps, Frank J=cool
George Bush is comming to Australia soon, so now you have to throw John Howard into the mix for a little while, as well as a few Australian stereotyped characters.
Oh my, Ted has been cutting back on the cooking sherry. That’s the most coherent he’s been in ages.
If I may humbly suggest a gag the next time you use Uncle Teddy….
Make reference to the fact that as he sits/stands in the scene, water is dripping from him and puddling underneath. Then at the end of the scene have him ask for a ride because he ran his car into a river….er….dropped it off in the shop.
Sig!!!
Yeah, Susie, I really like your style. We think on the same plane, girl!
I Hate Bush! Hate Him! Hate, Hate, Hate Him!
So does Frank J….
I love Frank J.
He is such a fantastically funny writer: IMAO: In My World: Bush Haters of the World Unite!…
Woohoo!! My day is brighter.
Carrying tolerance too far….
Gay Guns. What is it about putting those words together which pushes so many hot buttons? Considering recent controversies, I see no better way to plumb the depths of tolerance in the blogosphere than to juxtapose these issues again. John…
We are the master of
The meaning of life is that it stops.
lol! good read!
Bush Haters
Link didn’t work in previous post.
Bush Haters