Man, this memogate thing is like the most fun news story ever from how hilariously surreal it is. We have a major news organization twisting logic in all directions to justify documents that any Joe six-pack could tell you is fake (whether he wears pajamas or a wife-beater). Then, with all the mention of the blogosphere on T.V., there’s huge blogflation! I’m already having one of my best weeks traffic wise, and I don’t have any useful information whatsoever!
I guess plagarism is the sincerest form of flattery, but it’s also taught me to stamp any funny .jpegs I make with “imao.us” (I went back to the original image and did so now). I didn’t think my forgery would get so much attention as I was late to the draw, but man does this story have legs.
Finally, not enough Chomps t-shirts have been sold since the last In My World™, so Chomps is going to have to die. Any ideas what the world’s angriest funeral should be like?
UPDATE: Remember to visit my sponsors, especially Brian J.’s t-shirt site (the one with “Visualize World Hegemony”). He likes to see his sales spike.
UPDATE2: I now get acknowledgement on eBay.
“Any ideas what the world’s angriest funeral should be like?”
I imagine it would be a very angry funeral.
I just hope that the source of the fakes is found out!
I think the funeral should include a visit from the leaders of Chomps’ home planet. I also think those leaders should be very, very angry.
Nooooo! I’d buy a t-shirt but I can’t afford it! I get my paycheck on Friday! Don’t kill Chomps! NOOOOOOOOO!!!
You are a twisted little man.
That Oral Robert’s crap ain’t gonna fly pal.
Kill him for all I care. I have the shirt, soon anyway. So what do I care?
Sorry Chomps, ol pal. I will wear your shirt with pride, honor and respect.
Unlike you sadistic creator…
Well, if you must bury CHOMPS, I think that a band of smelly Hippies will come to celebrate his death.
Somehow, in the angry spirit world, Chomps sees this, and gets so angry he comes back to life to slaughter all the monkey lovers and buries them instead.
Best Angry funeral I can think of.
SSG Ken
U.S. Army
Chomps sees a bright light. “Come towards the light,” a booming voice said. The light irritated Chomps and made him angry. Very angry.
NOW we know why Frank needed help with coverups and alibis. He was out in the back yard shooting Chomps to push T-shirt sales higher. We’re on to you now, buddy.
That’s an interesting ebay auction, did you see the other stuff that guy is selling? Scary. I’ll bet it’s that guy on the other thread who wanted to help you dispose of the body.
Man you got ripped off. Do what you must with chomps, but that ebay dude owes you a cut of that sale, since you are responsable for his marketing of that mythic microsoft compatable typewriter
Hey, hey, HEY!
After the Dan Blather memo debacle, I think we all know that Frank plans to fake chomp’s death to drive up the t-shirt sales….
But buy the t-shirts anyway…
Just in case… M’kay?
CBS has learned that Chomps was really a cow named Fred who was never angry. Just stupid.
And so is the idea of killing off Chomps.
I think the funeral should include pyrotechnics.
Remember “Men in Tights”? When Westley, no Cary Elwes, no, “Robin Hood” returns home and asks the blind Achoo where his loved ones are. “My dad?” “Dead.” “My mother?” “Dead.” “My sisters?” “The died from the plague.” “My goldfish?” “Eaten by the cat.” “My cat?” “Choked on the goldfish.”
See? You could have Chomps eat Terry McAuliffe and choke to death on him. No, no, wait! Michael Moore! ANY dog would choke to death trying to swallow that!
Are you sure you want to kill Chomps, Frank? I mean, what if Rumsfeld get’s ahold of you? I doubt he’d look to kindly on you killing him off. I mean, if you think Ninjas spoil a walk in the park, just think how a meeting with the Rumsfeld Strangler would ruin it!
Don’t forget to remind everyone to visit your sponsors.
Man, every time you do that, my sales spike.
Fearless Leader,
What you lack in useful information, you more than make up for in funny.
Since I have no real connections to leverage, informants to inform me, etc., the funny route seems a viable option…so I channeled Don McClean.
Here’s your funeral:
The flicker of the candle has finally died. A small whiff of smoke flows upward from the now extiguished wick. Chomps breath falls silent. All in the room are still: Death has entered the room.
Slowly the door opens. Enter in an elderly nurse. She holds an old handbag adorned with patches from years gone by. She approaches Chomps, lying lifeless on the table. She reaches into the bag to retrieve a large douche bag and vaseline jar. The bag is filled with a mystery fluid that reeks of feces, rotting meat and oppression. She lubes the enema bone and inserts in into the dead doggies bung. She hangs the bag on the I.V. hook, and waits.
All in the room look on in disbelief at what is happening. Suddenly an attorney bursts through the door and screams at the old woman “You stupid old bitch! You told Dan Rather this shit was real!”
The old woman pulls a samurai sword from under her gown and relieves the attorney of his head. Blood sprays everywhere as the head of the attorney hits the ground. All in the joom are in shock at the surreal display before them. Suddenly Rumsfeld looks to the table where Chomps had lay and exclaims “MY DOG!”
The table is now empty all but for the chewed enema bone that now lies in ruins. Suddenly everyone realizes that the elderly nurse is gone.
Confusion fills the heads of all in the room. The mystery: what became of Chomps?
Cut to Michael Moore, sleeping in a pile of his own filth and empty chicken buckets. He winces as he dreams.
Cut to Michel Moores dream: He is standing in an empty Washington park. The sky is grey with clouds. He walks down a path as he hears the light singing of little children in the background. he stops before a statue. he reads the plaque: In Memory of Chomps! The Worlds Angriest Dog! Moore stares up at the gian statue of the frightening granite face of the hippie menacing dog. “Whew!” he sighs with relief. “No more worries now!” Moore turns from the statue. Suddenly the statues eyes glow red with the fires of Hell. Moore stops in horror as he hears the undead growl of the the worlds angriest DEAD DOG! The statue leaps from its perch and swallows Moore whole.
Cut back to Moores bedroom where we see the corpulent one struggle to breathe and then expire. We zoom into Moores face as we hear the children singing “One, Two, Chomps is coming for you” “Three, Four, block the doggie door.” “Five, Six, get your chewie stix.” “Seven, Eight, better stay up late.” “Nine, Ten, Never sleep AGAIN.”
AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
See you in your dreams!
This is all because of SarahK isn’t it? She’s taken over your life and now you’re going to kill off everything else near and dear to you just to satisfy her obvious lust for your demure person. How could you be so blind Frank.
You nuked the moon, now she’ll demand that you nuke Florida too. I know – I’m from Texas and I know how these Texas women operate. There is no hope for you.
Just to let you know that my favorite line from the whole fiasco is: “We have Pong way back now in the seventies, right?”
Shades of Bill and Ted.
Frank,
In case you didn’t notice, the seller has just added a “Thank you IMAO.us” on the auction page.
’bout time.
SSG Ken
U.S. Army
Just sittin’ around the house…you know…checking out all my blog favorites. Its fun to watch CBS’s reputation circle the toilet bowl. And I’m quite comfortable while I’m here. Got my official bloggin’ uniform on (“Reporting for Duty”!!)….’Jammie pants and a wife-beater.
Bo-zark Bo-zark Bo-zark
crowd cheering
Bo-zark Bo-zark Bo-zark
loud obnoxious whistling
Bo-zark….
Once everyone has left the grave side, only one lonely pup remains. Mourning the loss of his mentor he angrily vows to become the worlds second angriest dog.
Frank…don’t kill off Chomps! He has been your faithful companion and you just can’t do it man…your public would lose faith…besides, Chomps isn’t exactly yours…he is on loan from Rummy.
I’ve ordered one, please don’t kill him!
…I wonder who else can have a scary nightmare about Chomps…
John Kerry:
FLoating along on a sea of Heinz ketchup in a boat fishing (cause he served in Vietnam) when all of a sudden the sun turns black and he realizes its not a sea of ketchup, but BLOOD. Chomps overtakes the entire boat like the shark in JAWS and pulls it to the bottom.
Bill Clinton:
While resting in his hospital bed recuperating, the door opens and a nurse stands there with the light breaking in behind her. Bill realizes this is an erotic dream so he immediately drops the bedpan for her to pick up. She reveals a little clevage and bends down just below Clintons view. Bills thrill turns to horror as the nurse stands up to reveal she now has Chomps head (He looks so cute in that nurses hat) he growls. Clinton screams. Chomps reaches out with his paw, which now has 8″ blades for nails, and rips slick Willys chest open. Chomps then pulls Clintons bleeding heart out of his chest and devours it as Clinton looks on in horror!
..a couple of ideas!
Unlike you sadistic creator…
I meant to say:
Unlike YOUR sadistic creator…
Trajically Chomps never has a funeral. Chomps is hit by a multicolored VW mini van (with a peace sign) on some desterted stretch of highway. He, like most dogs, is left to lie and rot at the side of the road like so many pets that have met that horrible fate. Carcass awaiting the envelopment of maggots. Chomps will accept his fate stoically, an angry dog just is just to wild to fret and worry as to how he would be remembered.
That would be the end of the story but, on the same day that Chomps was hit by the mini bus there was a “Grateful Dead” reunion tour in the field nearby. As the concert progresses more and more hippies begin to show up and more and more annoying music is played over and over again (hey the Grateful Dead was good as long as they had Jerry Garcia).
Anyways, there is all these stinky hippies smoking grass nearby the carcass of Chomps. Since the concert promoters forgot to install port-o-potties, the dirty stink hippies begin to relive themselves near the final resting place of Chomps.
At this point the gravesite of Chomps is desescrated. Chomps is then resurrected from the dead (turns out Chomps was only unconscious…maybe). Chomps, never of a cheerfull disposition in the first place sees the hippies at the Dead event and begins his own “Ass Bite-A-Thon”.
Update 3, 9/16/04 6:33pm Eastern:
Your message in that ebay typewriter just got mentioned on Fox News by Brit Hume. “Signed, Bush’s Superior Officer”. Nice going, Frank!
Not that anybody reads these after a few days, but the Ebay typewriter with your memo just got mentioned on Fox News Brit Hume’s special report. It went something like this…
“Good evening, I’m not Dan Rather. Tonight on Special Report Ebay is selling an authentic IBM selectric typewriter with a memo still in place typed by ‘Bush’s Superior Officer’. Highest bidder is currently an anonymous CBS reporter.”
Drew – you beat me to it. Next time I’ll send out swarms of angry monkeys to distract anyone wanting to post before me. It’ll take Frank at least a couple of minutes to destroy them all. Enough time for me to hit send.
Rob S – with the demise of the AWB I am ready – and I guarantee Frank is more than ready – to shoot down swarms of angry monkeys as fast as we can swap high capacity magazines. Bring it on! Just dont give them access to the space laser.