Was going to write a post on the advantages and disvantages of my different types of posts, but instead I’m going to work on cool new stuff for tomorrow and perhaps the days after including:
New comic!
New editorial!
Top ten list!
More military stories!
An explanation of debate formats and the current strategies for Bush and Kerry!
Great posts! Great information! You only get this at IMAO! You go nowhere else!
BTW, new t-shirt coming…
Archive of entries posted on 21st September 2004
The Quick Way Down
Ow. Having now actually hiked the Grand Canyon, I’m a bit surprised this doesn’t happen more often. Those rocky trails aren’t exactly doing their best to keep you upright.
Frank Answers: Wacky Measurements, NHL Lockout, Lasers, Influencing, and Drinking Your Eight Ball
Katie from Mansfield, Taxachusetts writes:
The first couple of questions from tonight’s physics homework, which I don’t feel like doing:
1) During a hard sneeze, your eyes might shut for 0.50 s. If you are driving a car at 90 km/h during such a sneeze, how far does the car move during that time?
2) The 1992 world speed record for a bicycle (human powered vehicle) was set by Chris Huber. His time through the 200 m stretch was a sizzling
6.509 s, at which he commented, “Cogito ergo zoom!” (I think, therefore I go fast.) In 2001, Sam Whittingham beat Huber’s record by 19.0 km/h.
What was Whittingham’s time through the 200 m?
What’s an ‘m’ and a ‘km’. I only solve problems with real measurement values… the types used by humans. Go ask some Frenchman, and, when he starts to answer, punch him.
Pdtray writes:
I have too questions for you.
1. who do you blame for the nhl lockout? do you care?
2. are your space lasers the kind that shoot really fast in burst like PEWPEWPEWPEWPEW or are they the kind that is one big beam that cuts stuff.
1. I don’t care, but I have to pretend because SarahK likes hockey. I blame… uh… the Jews.
2. That’s just silly. It’s a straight beam. Why would a laser have anything else? Well, some laser sights blink for better visibility, but other than that, the point of a laser is a continuous beam. It’s the best way to lase.
Drew writes:
Three questions: How can we get the Muslims to switch to our side so that they go after the terrorists themselves? How can we get CBS, NBC & CNN to switch to our side? Also, when the main-stream media has lost its last shred of credibility, who will tell us what to think?
Bombs, bombs, me.
Chuck F. Chadwick
Hey there Frank J! My name is Chuck! I’m writing to you from an undisclosed film school. My website is http://classmishaps.f2o.org
Anyway, my question: What’s the liquid inside a Magic Eight Ball? And if I drink it will I become powerful and all knowing too?
The liquid is mystical and magical in its properties, for within lie the secrets of the future. If you were to drink it, all would be known to you, and you would despair. For true knowledge of your future leaves you with no hope. So drink naught from the eight-ball. Ye be warned.
If you’ve got questions, I’ve got answers… maybe even answers to your questions. E-mail me your questions about politics, science, math, theology, or whatever with the subject “Frank Answers”. Include the name you want to be referred by, your town, and URL if you have one.
Better Go Buy It Quick Before Even More Changes Are Made
The original Star Wars trilogy comes out on DVD today (which, incidentally, you can buy on my sidebar from Amazon.com; yay money for me!). They’re doing a huge ad blitz, including using Yoda as a sponsor for Campbell’s soup (“Mmm, mmm good it is.”). To the anger of purists, only the special edition is being released, and George Lucas has made even more changes for the DVD:
* Since it was so unrealistic for the Death Star to have all those gaping holes, rails and safety nets have been digitally added in.
* Because most people don’t realize there is a pilot named Wedge in all three movies, he now has a funky theme song that plays whenever he is on screen.
* Return of the Jedi is now entirely a musical.
* To make Obi Wan match up more with the actor who plays him in the new movies, he now has a heroin addiction.
* The Sarlacc pit monster has been replaced with Michael Moore waist deep in the sand, mouth agape.
* In Cloud city, Darth Vader now runs into the wrecked C3PO and remarks, “Hey, that’s the robot I built when I was an annoying kid. Ain’t that wacky?”
* To show Luke falling for the dark side, at one point he grabs Yoda and shakes him violently while yelling, “Put words in the proper order, you shriveled, green freak!”
* In the fight between Luke and Vader in the Cloud City, their lightsabers are knocked from their hands. They then go on to kung fu fight, the fight eventually leading to the tops of bamboo trees.
* To make the first movie more diverse, Snoop Dogg has been added as one of the pilots flying against the Death Star. After the Death Star is destroyed, Han Solo’s line of, “That was one shot in a million, kid,” has been replaced with Snoop Dogg saying, “That shot was the shiznit, honkey!”
* Through CGI, the Ewoks have been made even cuter!
* The legendary deleted unicorn dream sequence was added back in… before they realized they were thinking of the wrong movie.
* The giant space worm that swallows the Millennium Falcon has been replaced with a two times size Michael Moore.
* In A New Hope, Luke is 20% whinier.
* George Lucas thinks that Han Solo shooting Greedo after Greedo fires once still makes Han look too mean, so now Greedo fires a dozen times while standing two feet away, missing the unmoving Han Solo with each shot. When Han finally shoot Greedo, it now appears more as an act of mercy.
* Jar Jar Binks has been digitally added throughout the trilogy, doing his wacky pratfalls we all love so dear.
* When Luke removes Darth Vader’s helmet, Anakin Skywalker now has no eyebrows… and the head of a monkey!
* To give Lando more character, he is now always ranting about how much he hates the Mexicans.
* Princess Leia is now a wookie. The only reason she wasn’t when they first filmed it was because they ran out of yak hair.
* C3PO and R2D2 finally kiss.
* To tempt Luke to the dark side, the Emperor sings a rap song with Darth Vader using his heavy breathing to do the beat.
* While training on Dagobah, Yoda tells Luke about mitochlorians while Luke stifles back laughter.
Also, there is a DVD extra where George Lucas has a special message for fans of the original trilogy. It consists of him flipping off the camera.
Yeah, I’m still going to buy it.
Question of the Day
I just thought of a new feature for IMAO (which I will inevitably abandon at some point when I tire of it). It’s “Question of the Day” where I ask you, my readers, a question because I love hearing from you (or find it advantageous to pretend I do). Here is today’s question:
What can Dan Rather do to regain his credibility?
I’m thinking seppuku. What do you think?
Journalistic Justice
Wouldn’t it be cool if Dan Rather suddenly got so pissed off about the forged memos that he turned vigilante, hunting down the source of the forgeries with shotgun in hand? Then, after finding him, he breaks the guys kneecaps in a live broadcast. Rather would regain so much credibility if he did that. It’s certainly what I would do if I were Rather… and not a partisan shill.
But Rather’s current strategy of non-apology apologies and still pretending there is anything left to his made up story works too, I guess.
Ronin Thought of the Day
In My World: W Stands for “Framed”
“Now we watch former president Bill Clinton making an appearance, still recovering from his surgery. We wish him well in his recovery… Oh! He’s just been attacked by an extremely angry dog. Well, we wish him well in his recovery from that as well.”
Kerry turned off the T.V. “Yet more news to distract from my message!”
“Which is?” Terry McAuliffe sniveled.
“We’re working on it!” Kerry answered angrily. He then pointed to a window. “Look here.” The window overlooked thousands of scientists in a room full of supercomputers busily working away. “These people are taking all my different statements about Iraq and turning them into one coherent vision!”
The computers started exploding.
“Dammit! That’s the fourth time that happened!” Kerry closed the blinds on the window and walked to a nearby door and opened it. “In here are a thousand monkeys at a thousand typewriters who will soon produce the best plan for Iraq ever made.”
“One of the monkeys looks like Dennis Kucinich,” Terry observed.
Kerry shut the door. “He was looking for work.”
“So why isn’t that monkey at a typewriter,” Terry asked as he pointed to a monkey that sat in a dark corner of the room, looking at them with eyes that pierced their very souls.
“That’s my new campaign consultant, Chim-Chim, the world’s evilest monkey. Since our forged document scheme didn’t work, we need a new one.”
“We should have hired a professional to produce the documents instead of just paying some kid five dollars to make them,” Terry stated.
“And I want my money back!” Kerry yelled angrily, “I told him I needed documents to fool the American public, not just Dan Rather! Well, we have a new and better plan, don’t we, Chim-Chim?”
“Eee! Eee!” Chim-Chim answered, the room growing cold with his voice.
Buck the Marine spotted an Iraqi headed his way. “Hello, Mr. Iraqi,” Buck said, “Please move along and live free and happy.” Buck then squinted his eyes. “Or I’ll kill you.”
“But the oil!” the Iraqi pleased, “It’s all gone!”
“What!” Buck exclaimed as he ran to the oil depository. “It’s stolen!” he exclaimed. Buck thought for a moment. “There has to be someone I can kill to solve this.”
“Honey, make sure the living room is in proper order,” Laura Bush told the president. “Some people are coming over to do a special on Barney.”
“Yipe! Yipe!” Barney added.
Bush got up and walked to the living room. It was stacked to the ceiling with barrels marked “Stolen Iraqi Oil.”
“Dear, did you steal some oil from Iraq?” Bush called out.
“No I did not,” Laura said as she entered the room. “Oh my!”
“Yipe! Yipe!” Barney said in surprise.
“I’m here for that story on Barney,” said a reporter as she came in the room, “We’ll start with… Oh my God! It’s true! The war was all about oil! Bush went to war just to get oil for himself!”
The cameraman started filming.
“We need to get the feds involved,” the reporter exclaimed.
“I’m a fed,” said a man who walked on in, “I was strolling near the White House when I heard a commotion. Looks like a clear case of oil thievery. I’m afraid I’m going to have to take you in, Mr. President.”
“Okay,” Bush said, starting to run away, “but just let me get my rocket car… I mean– lawyer, first.”
TO BE CONTINUED…