The original Star Wars trilogy comes out on DVD today (which, incidentally, you can buy on my sidebar from Amazon.com; yay money for me!). They’re doing a huge ad blitz, including using Yoda as a sponsor for Campbell’s soup (“Mmm, mmm good it is.”). To the anger of purists, only the special edition is being released, and George Lucas has made even more changes for the DVD:
* Since it was so unrealistic for the Death Star to have all those gaping holes, rails and safety nets have been digitally added in.
* Because most people don’t realize there is a pilot named Wedge in all three movies, he now has a funky theme song that plays whenever he is on screen.
* Return of the Jedi is now entirely a musical.
* To make Obi Wan match up more with the actor who plays him in the new movies, he now has a heroin addiction.
* The Sarlacc pit monster has been replaced with Michael Moore waist deep in the sand, mouth agape.
* In Cloud city, Darth Vader now runs into the wrecked C3PO and remarks, “Hey, that’s the robot I built when I was an annoying kid. Ain’t that wacky?”
* To show Luke falling for the dark side, at one point he grabs Yoda and shakes him violently while yelling, “Put words in the proper order, you shriveled, green freak!”
* In the fight between Luke and Vader in the Cloud City, their lightsabers are knocked from their hands. They then go on to kung fu fight, the fight eventually leading to the tops of bamboo trees.
* To make the first movie more diverse, Snoop Dogg has been added as one of the pilots flying against the Death Star. After the Death Star is destroyed, Han Solo’s line of, “That was one shot in a million, kid,” has been replaced with Snoop Dogg saying, “That shot was the shiznit, honkey!”
* Through CGI, the Ewoks have been made even cuter!
* The legendary deleted unicorn dream sequence was added back in… before they realized they were thinking of the wrong movie.
* The giant space worm that swallows the Millennium Falcon has been replaced with a two times size Michael Moore.
* In A New Hope, Luke is 20% whinier.
* George Lucas thinks that Han Solo shooting Greedo after Greedo fires once still makes Han look too mean, so now Greedo fires a dozen times while standing two feet away, missing the unmoving Han Solo with each shot. When Han finally shoot Greedo, it now appears more as an act of mercy.
* Jar Jar Binks has been digitally added throughout the trilogy, doing his wacky pratfalls we all love so dear.
* When Luke removes Darth Vader’s helmet, Anakin Skywalker now has no eyebrows… and the head of a monkey!
* To give Lando more character, he is now always ranting about how much he hates the Mexicans.
* Princess Leia is now a wookie. The only reason she wasn’t when they first filmed it was because they ran out of yak hair.
* C3PO and R2D2 finally kiss.
* To tempt Luke to the dark side, the Emperor sings a rap song with Darth Vader using his heavy breathing to do the beat.
* While training on Dagobah, Yoda tells Luke about mitochlorians while Luke stifles back laughter.
Also, there is a DVD extra where George Lucas has a special message for fans of the original trilogy. It consists of him flipping off the camera.
Yeah, I’m still going to buy it.
Yah… you might like these other changes Lucas has made to the original trilogy:
here
Michael Moore 2x? Say it ain’t so!
I don’t even think IMAX is big enough for that, let alone my 27″ TV.
Dude, those are HILARIOUS!! I haven’t laughed that hard at work in ever!!
That’s fabulous. I think I like your changes better than Lucas’! The blogoshpere should unite to stop him and replace him with a more responsible film maker that isn’t doing crack cocaine.
So it’s the video of this AP interview?
“To tempt Luke to the dark side, the Emperor sings a rap song with Darth Vader using his heavy breathing to do the beat.”
Thas’def sun
Beo-
I was actually thinking what Wedge’s theme song could be but you beat me to it. So thanks, now I’ve got something else to hum in my head all frickin’ day.
I love Han Solo. But Harrison Ford just freaks me out now.
The only way to make Ewoks cute is with a liberal application of A.1.®.
Plus, tag-team robot wrestling! It’s the mighty robots from Battlestar Galactica, versus the gay robots from Star Wars!
Wait, now I’m stealing jokes from the Simpsons.
* In A New Hope, Luke is 20% whinier.
I didn’t think it was possible for Luke to get any whinier.
You mean heroin addiction for Obi Wan, not heroine addiction… ^^
Though, it could be taken as heroine… ^^
Yeah so eventually he’s just going to turn what used to be Star Wars into a bunch of animated crap isn’t he? If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it! I wish they would release the original versions on DVD instead of the “Special” editions. I get furious just thinking of how special they are. Where’s Chomps when you need him?
I’m still wondering about the Star Wars remake called “Episode I”. I mean both movies were about a senior Jedi who goes to Tantooine to find a young Skywalker who appears to be The Greatest Jedi Ever.
Young Skywalker has an arch nemisi named Darth and by the end of the movie he saves the day by destroying a battle station in his fighter and helping out his Princess friend.
Oh, and yeah spits out backwards wisdon…
I think Lucas just said…hey, the thin plot worked the first time, I’ll just change the actors and play it agin…
Fat fingers…
Please allow the following edits…
“arch-nemisis”
“Oh, and YODA spits out backwards WISDOM.”
“Play it again.”
Wow, Michael Moore playing every fat monster EXCEPT Jabba the Hut.
BRILLIANT! So subtle. Just hinting at the glaring truth that Moore is, in fact, too fat, evil and incoherent to play Jabba.
Hey, maybe in addition to T-shirts you could have IMAO Jabba Slave Girl outfits…wonder who could be the Jabba slave girl outfit model?
Everytime I read about Aquaman in KTE, I think of poor Wedge. The ignored hero with a stupid name. Love the theme song, Beo. Frank, you have out done yourself again! A brilliant masterpeice!
http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=2374
C’mon, man. Comparing Wedge to Aquaman? That’s just wrong.
Aquaman is more like Jar Jar Binks.
Wedge plays Robin to Luke’s Batman. He’s the decoy.
Except that Wedge is way cooler than Robin. Wedge is kind of like Hawk on “Spencer for Hire.” (Who is strikingly similar to Shaft…) He disappears, then shows up looking all cool and mean, takes care of “bidness,” and then vanishes again. So Wedge Antilles is Avery Brooks and Richard Roundtree, except he’s white, and he’s in a galaxy far far away.
Meanwhile Aquaman and Jar Jar are irritating, bumbling sidekick guys who live underwater and constantly endanger themselves and “the mission” and everyone hopes to see them written out of the next episode via some horrific and graphic death scene.
So I reiterate:
Aquaman = Jar Jar.
Wedge = Shaft and/or Hawk, only not black.
Can you dig it?
LMAO – spit coffee all over my monitor, and I wasn’t drinking any!
Michael Moore as Jabba the Hut…”I think we’re gonna’ need a bigger boat.”
So the Stormtroopers are all clones of Greedo?
LMPTO – especially at the darth rap thing.
Ooo! Ooo!
Michael Moore as the Death Star!!!!
Then Luke fires a wafer thin mint into his mouth and runs like a french waiter!
(Monty Python reference)
I really, really, really think you got this one backwards.
“Michael Moore as the Death Star!!!!”
Then the two-meters wide aperture through which they destroy the first station is Moore’s……..
(mmmh, size*height/Chomps’anger+SarahK’s cat – leftist professor Glenn Raynolds…)
Yeah, it’s his conscience.
Couldn’t have done a better job on that Frank… Nope, you could not have.
On the one hand, I’m not a purist and think George Lucas should be able to change the movies to how he visioned them, that’s fine. On the other hand, I’m mighty pissed off that he isn’t going to at least OFFER the originals that I love. I don’t find the Special Editions BAD, rather, I prefer the originals and I think it’s stupid that he replaced Anakin’s ghost with Hayden Kristensen.
If you want to see the original trilogy on DVD in the future, go to http://www.originaltrilogy.com and sign the petition. I already have done so 😀
I may be weird, but I never considered Star Wars to be that great in the first place. I actually liked the Empire better, at least they didn’t have whiny “but I was going to Tashy Station to pick up some power converters” brat.
Darth is cool. I did like the AT-AT’s blowing up the hapless Rebellion trenches.
Chuck: “Gee, Bob, let’s go out with laser rifles and hunt us some AT-AT’s!”
Bob: “Good idea!”
The only original episode I saw at the theater was Return of the Jedi, and I was annoyed by the Ewoks. I did like things blowing up though.
I think the newer episodes (I & II) are in the same boat, cheesy. Jar-Jar is equally as annoying as CP30, in my book. If I owned either CP30 or R2-D2 I would either return them or reprogram
them.
The newer episodes had some really cool things in it, like the Pod races, the droid army taking out the Gungans, and the OsHA violating power room in the
bottom of Naboo castle. I also liked episdoe two, the city car chases, the Republican (oops) Republic army, and the battle scenes at the end. I just fast forward through the Anakin / Padme scenes, sheesh!
I do own the DVD’s of those, so I will probably go out and get these, sometime.
OOps – got sidetracked there – I did like your other changes that you listed Frank, funny!
I think Mt. Moore should be Jabba. Dan Rather can be that annoying little creature laughing next to him.
I always thought the Imperial March should be the official theme song of the Republican Party. : )
You know, they are Lucas’ movies, he can do whatever he wants – even if its really stupid (Han shooting second).
If Lucas had a lot more money or future-tech computers he prolly would have had better effects or more scenes that were just not technically possible at the time.
The scene with Han and Jabba was apparently shot with a human stand-in, but they couldn’t make a mechanical slithering Jabba ($$) so it was left out. Now it’s back and uses CGI. So what?
I literally cringe at seeing the original matte-animations of the ships going by in the first movie. If Lucas cleans that junk up, adds some new scenes that expand on what was already there (and was not possible to create) then what’s the big deal? These are not OUR movies.
Changing scenes around to make them “nicer” is, I agree 100%, stupid liberal pap. Spielberg did this in E.T. by changing the guns in the hands of some cops at a roadblock into walkie-talkies. WTF? THAT is stupid!
I concur with Neo, for the most part. Except for Greedo shooting first (which is a traveshamockery), I generally really like the new additions. More Boba Fett in Ep. IV!!
I think Snoop Dogg’s line would be more like, “Yo, that was some supa-mizzle explodizzle. Heh heh heh, knowhatimsayin.”
Someone please explain that one. Can’t think of any Unicorn movies other than Legend…
Xeddicus,
Didn’t know how many people would get that. It’s a reference to Blade Runner.
Wolf’s Dawn: I wouldn’t say wedge is ignored per se. There’s a tradition over in Squaresoft USA to try to find an excuse to put a character named “Wedge” (and usually another one named Vicks for some reason, but that’s not as sure as Wedge) in every single video game translation they do.
I’m not sure if it’s still going, though. I stopped buying Squaresoft games since Final Fantasy 8, which was total ass. I even bought an X-box just to spite the Japanese game industry I so pissed off over that one. (Yes, even 4 years later)
From Return of the Jedi:
MON MOTHMA: The data brought to us by the Bothan spies pinpoints the exact location of the Emperor’s new battle station. We also know that the weapon systems of this Death Star are not yet operational. With the Imperial Fleet spread throughout the galaxy in a vain effort to engage us, it is relatively unprotected. But most important of all, we’ve learned that the Emperor himself is personally overseeing the final stages of the construction of this Death Star. Many Bothans died to bring us this information.
(BEGIN FLASHBACK)
(BOTHAN #1 rushes into MON MOTHMA’s chambers. He is out of breath and bleeding.)
BOTHAN #1: The… Empire… is building… a new… Death Star… at… aaaaurgh… (dies)
(BOTHAN #2 rushes into MON MOTHMA’s chambers. He is out of breath and bleeding.)
BOTHAN #2: the Forest Moon… of Endor… it is… relatively…auuuurgrgh… (dies)
(BOTHAN #3 rushes into MON MOTHMA’s chambers. He is out of breath and bleeding.)
BOTHAN #3: Unprotected… the Imperial Fleet… is spread out…in a vain…aaurgrgh…(dies)
Etc., etc.
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