Michelle Malkin talks about blog mobility in the ecosystem. I’ve tried for a while to find out what’s a good way to make a permanent increase in traffic, and so far sending obviously forged documents to Dan Rather has worked best.
Once again, John Hawkins has the latest from the DU crazies so you don’t have to wade through the putrid swamp yourself.
Finally, IMAO has entered the world of Sims. Soon I shall rule all universes! Muh ha ha ha!
Archive of entries posted on 29th September 2004
Still Need Help!
I’ve Got My Spine, I’ve Got My Orange Kerry
Now, many people have asked me, “Why is Kerry orange?”
Kerry has said that he got a tan while playing touch football at Harvard for one hour, while the Harvard paper noted his odd coloration before the game of football.
Yes, the man can’t even tell the truth about something as simple as a tan (or, in this case, an oranging).
Many think Kerry must have gotten some sort of spray treatment to tinge him orange in imitation of a tan. Other say that maybe he is a coral snake. These ideas are also unfounded.
The logical explanation is that Kerry purchased a thousand boxes of those generic popsicles that come in cherry, grape, and orange. He then discarded the cherry and grape popsicles and melted all the orange popsicles in a large vat in which he then soaked himself. This is a common French/pagan ritual which dates back hundreds of years. Kerry is obviously planning to use black magic at tomorrow’s debate, so Bush better bring his best crucifix to fight Kerry’s evil, orange power.
Black magic was how Carter was elected president, and we can’t let it happen again!
Move On… To Indiscriminate Killings!
Have you see what Moveon.org’s latest target? It’s Gallup. Yeah, the pollster. They’re attacking the pollster because it is projecting Bush ahead… like every other scientific poll.
Have these guys mated with African bees or something? I mean, they’re like feral beasts attacking everything that moves now. If they get this panicked going into the election, what happens when Bush wins? Will the MoveOn.org people become like the killer zombie in 28 Days, savagely attacking everyone they see?
Probably.
On November 2nd, vote and then remember to pick up some shotgun shells on the way home.
Know Thy Enemy: Coral vs. King Snake
On Monday, since I still didn’t have any power, I decided to take down some storm windows to let some light in my house. After laying one of the metal sheets on the ground, a brightly colored creature crawled out from under it. It was a snake colored red, yellow, and black. I knew it was either the venomous coral snake or the harmless king snake, but forgot how to tell the difference. I vowed then and there that, once I learned how to tell them apart, I would make sure to never forget again.
I decided the best way to remember things, despite my poor singing abilities, was a song. So, that night, after getting info from SarahK, by candlelight I wrote a song about it.
Want to hear it?
Here it goes…
Coral vs. King Snake Song
No Beer and No TV Makes Frank J. Something Something
Sitting in my house Saturday in the dark (I had no power and my storm windows blocked out the sun), I was hot and bored as the wind still howled about me. Out of this frustration I then drew my most artistic cartoon yet:
Continue reading ‘No Beer and No TV Makes Frank J. Something Something’ »
Question of the Day
I will be watching the debate tomorrow. Should I do my first liveblogging, or wait for a full reaction the next day after it’s over?
I vote for next day, because I have Friday off and am probably going to be lazy about coming up with posts. Plus, I’ve never liveblogged before… and I’m scared!
What do you think?
Getting My Shiznit Together
In My World: Hurricane Jeanne
“Okay, I’m in Melbourne… wherever the hell that is,” Melinda Hawkish said as the hotel rocked with the fierce winds.
“Good. Now go outside in the hurricane for the broadcast,” Geraldo instructed.
Melinda paused for a moment. “But there is a hurricane outside,” she explained slowly.
“Yes, and, for good coverage, you need to be outside in it getting blown around.”
“That’s idiotic!” Melinda yelled, “I’ll be risking my life, and they won’t be able to hear me!”
“But it makes good coverage and gives people a good feel of the storm.”
“Easy for you to say when you’re in New York, mustache man. How about we point the camera out the window at the moron newscasters already out in the hurricane. Then we can have a new slogan: ‘FOX News: Our reporters are smart enough not to stand out in deadly storms.'”
“You don’t understand,” Geraldo intoned, “It’s journalistic tradition to have low-paid reporters stand out in the storm.”
“The public doesn’t need to see me get hit by a flying mailbox to know there is a storm!” Melinda protested, “They trust us enough to believe there is one without me being in it. It’s not like I’m Dan Rather!”
“This is Dan Rather with continuing coverage of Hurricane Jeanne which has surprisingly skipped right over Florida and landed in Minnesota. Yes, I know some ankle-biting pajama wearing fanatics known as ‘bloggers’ are disputing this, some claiming to be from Minnesota and showing pictures that everything is fine, but we still have this evidence.”
Rather held up a photo of hurricane damage with the word “Minnesota” on it.
“See, this photo, sent to us by an anonymous, unimpeachable source, shows hurricane damage and is clearly labeled ‘Minnesota.’ And listen to this expert.”
An expert walked up to Rather. “That is clearly a label.” He then walked away.
“So, you snot-nosed punks, stop doubting me!” Rather then jumped up on his desk. “I am newscaster Rather! Fear my power, or I shall report your obituary!”
“I thank everyone for coming to this press conference,” Florida Governor Jeb Bush said, “These hurricanes have certainly been very hard on our state, and the amount of them is unusual. I’ve consulted a while with my staff, and we came to one conclusion: God is angry at us.
“We still have two months left of hurricane season in which God can express His wrath, so I think we need to make sure we are all extra holy. No sinning; nothing to provoke His unending rage. And, in case Pat Robertson is right, all you homosexuals better quit doing your… uh… gay stuff… you know. And I’m looking especially at Miami and Key West. Just cut that out… at least until December.
“I’m going to now go burn a goat as an offering to the Lord. Disney World is going a step further and burning all of Space Mountain as sacrifice to our wrathful God. If all the rest of you have something you can give up and burn in sacrifice, the firefighters will be handing out pamphlets on safe sacrifices.
“Thank you all, and please spare us, almighty Lord! Please take your wrath out on evil Cuba and the unfaithful Fidel. They don’t have much of an economy to interrupt anyway.”