I voted in a primary for the very first time today. I voted for Mel Martinez for Senate. I also voted for Torpy as sheriff, because I think it would be nice to have sheriff named Torpy. I’d say, “Hey, Sheriff Torpy!”
And he’d be like, “Hello.”
Finally, I voted for Babb for judge because I saw a commercial of her and she seemed nice. I didn’t vote in any of the other categories because I never heard of those postions. Local elections are for women.

Previous Episode

After all the name calling, Brian took another shot at Chomps.
Chomps, Take 5
This looked more like he was angry, but he still didn’t seem right. Neck was too high and he was losing that doggie appeal. “Try again!” I demanded.
Chomps, Take 6
Now the snout was too big and his lips were fanning out like he was caught with in a wind tunnel. “Try again, fool!” I said.
Chomps, Take 7
Along with this try which fixed the mouth but still seemed wrong with the snout, Brian gave me this rough choice of faces along with the note: “You dumb @$%&! Do you even know what a @$%& dog looks like? Just tell me what the @$%& you want, so I can draw it, you…” Well, it’s just a series of expletives after that. I decided that the middle face on the right column was closest to what I was envisioning, so Brian went back to work…
TO BE CONTINUED…

Hurricane Frances (that’s my name… only the feminine version) is currently on direct course towards me. I hear that’s good, because these hurricanes never hit where they are originally predicted to.
Man, I really don’t want to have to put up those storm windows.
BTW, how did you like the sound clip in the previous post? Would you like more of those?
Also, I now link to SarahK’s version at the end. Make sure to read it too… even though it’s full of lies!

Previous Episode

August 21st, 2004
Saturday
“S-s-so c-c-cold…”
We got up that freezing morning and packed up our tents. As we drove towards the trail, SarahK wouldn’t let me look out the window.
“I wanna see the, canyon!” I protested.
“You’ll see the canyon when I tell you to, goofy goof.”
When I finally got to see the Grand Canyon, it was at the North Rim Lodge. It had this glorious overlook of the canyon, and it was one of the most spectacular things I ever saw. I just stood there in awe. I had to take a picture… with us blocking the view.
SarahK Blocking View
Me Blocking View
We then headed for the beginning of the trail and packed our bags. SarahK wanted to make sure we had plenty of food as you should eat twice as much when hiking. She went a bit crazy, though, and filled the bags to capacity with food. She kept saying, “We need more Spam! Let’s take out your mattress so we can fit more Spam!”
“But I don’t like Spam!”
Soon we were loaded up and ready to go carrying 80 lb. packs with enough food to feed a small African nation for a year or Michael Moore for one hour.
Ready to Hike
The hike started out in a wooded area, circling downwards as we dodged donkey pee and poo from the wussy tour of people who couldn’t take hoofing it themselves. It got warm quickly, and I soon took the legs off my zip-off pants and rolled up my sleeves. The hiking was treacherous work, each step threatening to twist your ankle or send you falling into the canyon, but soon we got through the trees to see a spectacular view from the Coconino Overlook. I couldn’t believe it. It was the sort of the thing that changes your soul. To make sure I never forgot the glorious view, I took a picture of the sign.
Coconino Overlook Sign
I had to take pictures.
Me Taking Pictures from the Coconino Overlook
Even though she saw it before, SarahK enjoyed the view too.
SarahK Enjoying the View
As we traveled further into the canyon, it was just more glorious natural beauty atop more glorious natural beauty. It seemed to stretch on forever, and then you’d go around a corner and see another view that stretched out as far as the eye could see. I had to take pictures.
Me Taking Pictures
SarahK was compelled to take pictures, too.
SarahK Taking Pictures
Being more level headed from having been to the canyon before, SarahK reminded me that I needed to keep drinking.
SarahK Drinking
She told me that if I ever got to the point where I was thirsty, it was too late I was already as good as dead. We each had our bladders, and we had little baggies of fruit punch Gatorade powder so we could fill them with sweet sweet Gatorade at water stops.
SarahK’s Bladder
I Have a Bladder!
To also keep me from getting too exhausted, I made sure SarahK carried most of the stuff.
SarahK Loaded
Yah, pack mule! Yah!
Still, SarahK would get ahead of me.
SarahK Waiting
“Hey, I’m stopping to admire the view!” I would tell her, “It is so beautiful and I must take many pictures to show everyone.”
There were problems though: the wildlife. Near the top were cute little harmless chipmunks.
Hello Chipmunk
But, throughout the canyon, there were evil evil ground squirrels!
Evil Ground Squirrel
Sorry for that photo being blurry, but my hands were shaking in fright because they carry the plague (it’s true; check the last bullet of this official government link). Luckily, SarahK, with the help of jonag, provided me with Squirrel Away.
Squirrel Away Front
Squirrel Away Back
If you don’t want to squint to read that, here’s what it says:
FRONT

Squirrel Away
(c) 2004, SarahK Industries, Jonag, Arizona.
proven effective in 0.5% of cases, as attested to by
1 out of 5 dentists and 0 out of 5 SarahKs. For more information on the evils of ground squirrels and liberals, check out our website at www.ifyouseeagroundsquirrelyouregonnadie.us. Have a great day, and an easy plague death.
Directions: If you see a ground squirrel and can’t read the cautions above, you should perform the following, in order. Do not take the steps out of order, or you will die at the hands of Bullwinkle’s little friend.
1) Pretend you are on a hopscotch grid, and hop accordingly, but only hop the odd numbers.
2) Throw salt over your left shoulder while saying “N-A-C-L is C-O-O-L”. If you don’t have salt, fall on your own sword, as you have been defeated by the enemy ground squirrel and can only be honored by taking your own life.
3) Take off both of your shoes, ewwww, put some Odor Eaters in those things and put the shoes back on. If you have no Odor Eaters handy, a handful of red dirt is an adequate substitute.
4) Shake your can… not that can! This one! Shake it vigorously with both hands, then ask your hiking buddy to shake it too. If she refuses, you’re gonna die, sorry Frank.
5) Strip down to your boxers (and if you wear briefs, just give up, because only gross sissy boys wear briefs, and you can’t defend yourself against a ground squirrel in sissy boy shorts).
6) Whatever you do, DO NOT spray the contents of this can on yourself or the ground squirrel.

BACK

Caution: Ground squirrels are vicious and carry bubonic plague. If you get a ground squirrel on you, just give up, because you’re going to die. This spray will do you no good.
Caution #2: Do not feed ground squirrels in the Grand Canyon (if that is where you happen to be), because SarahK will report you to a Park Ranger, and you will be fined up to $5,000. If you see someone else feeding a ground squirrel in the Grand Canyon, report this person to a Park Ranger (unless the person is SarahK, then just look away and pretend you saw nothing). After reporting the lawbreaker to the Park Ranger, run and hide behind a big rock so you don’t get your pinky-toe kicked.
Caution #3: You may think you see a ground squirrel, but if it slithers instead of prancing, has scales instead of fur, and makes a sound like a baby rattle, back away slowly, because that, my friend, is no squirrel. It’s Lord Voldemort, and you’re gonna die unless a nice wizard boy comes to save you.
Caution #4: As wizards are afraid of heights, they don’t go anywhere near the Grand Canyon.
Caution #5: Guard your trail mix with your life. If a fast squirrel sneaks away with some of your trail mix, chase after it with a trekking pole (but only an official trekking pole, a branch broken off a nearby tree is not proper for chasing ground squirrels). When you get within striking distance of the squirrel, give up, because you’ve just chased a bubonic-plague carrier, and you’re going to die. Sorry about that.

I didn’t read any of the directions, though, and just sprayed it on the squirrel. Luckily, I had a voice recorder running so you can hear what happened.
Audio of Spraying the Squirrel
What SarahK was scared of was the dreaded asp, a poisonous caterpillar. Here is one next to my size 10 boot and white hairy leg so you can get a size comparison.
The Asp!
Ooh! So scary (not).
Also, SarahK would stop every so often, sniff the air, and say, “I smell cat pee. There must be a mountain lion nearby.”
And I’d be like, “Whatever, Wolverine.” (we weren’t even attacked by a mountain lion once).
Soon, we came to a bridge. What a great view from the bridge!
Me on the Bridge with the Great View
SarahK is scared of heights, so she crossed the bridge quickly… especially since I was shaking it.
SarahK Crossing the Bridge
“Quick, SarahK; the bridge is going to collapse!” Heh heh.
We then hiked along some cliffs with so many more gorgeous views.
Me Enjoying View from a Cliff
SarahK Likes the View Too
And then I saw a cactus!
A Cactus!
Also, quite expectedly, we cast shadows.
Us Casting Shadows
There were problems though, namely the death plants!
Death Plants
They have little spikes on their sides, but it’s the tip of the leaves that are the sharpest. They’re like little daggers. I still have a little owie worthy of a purple heart on my palm from when I accidentally touched one.
Another weird thing is what I named the death stalks.
Death Stalk
They had what looked like a death plant at the base, and then this huge stalk sticks out of it. Most were dead or dying, though. I wonder why?
I also saw a tree.
A Tree
And electric poles.
Electric Pole
The canyon needs to modernize its electrical system.
Later we came to a stream that terminated to a little puddle. The puddle was so small, I wondered how it could supply water for a stream, but it ended up that water was bubbling up from underneath it.
Bubble Puddle
Then I saw a lizard! A big one!
Big Lizard
I bet it was a gilla monster, and poisonous! That’s why it was so funny when I put it on SarahK’s neck.
Eventually, we made it to Cottonwood where we set up camp. SarahK was like, “I’m tired!”
And I said, “But we must journey to see the unseen!”
Thus we hiked more than a mile further to see Ribbon Falls, and then climbed a treacherous cliff face to get a better picture. It was so beautiful! (sorry, I don’t have a picture of me taking pictures of it)
Man, everything was so beautiful in the canyon. Even the sky!
Canyon Sky
Sorry that a bit of cliff marred that picture. I just wish you could see all I saw. It was a real life changing event.
At night, SarahK and I lay on a picnic table and watched the starry sky. We saw shooting stars and even satellites flying across the sky. One day, S.M.I.T.E. could be one of those satellites.
It was a little chilly, so I told SarahK. “You know, we could share a tent, take off our clothes, and…”
When I was knocked off the table, I landed right on a big snake. I may have crushed him, or he may have always been that flat.
I then went to bed, sure I’d be rested and not sore at all for the hike back up the cliffs tomorrow. What an easy day tomorrow would be.
The fool I was–
COMING SOON – ESCAPE FROM THE CANYON!
UPDATE: Here’s SarahK’s version.

Just so everyone is clear, the Chomps design is settled on, colored, and pretty much ready for printing. The sketches are just to show you the process that led to the final design by Brian Tiemann.

Who can take the immortal world’s angriest dog and make him real? Well, Brian Tiemann, PowerPuff Girls pencil in hand, took up that challenge. He first sent me this as his conception of Chomps.
Chomps, Take 1
I was quite impressed. I thought the chains were two busy, though, and I wanted more of a growl than a bark. Thus I asked Brian if he could try revising it. And he did.
Chomps, Take 2
Well, moving in the right direction, but the mouth and ears are too big (or the head is too small). Also, it’s a little two cartoony. So Brian took another try.
Chomps, Take 3
Okay, better, but now he looks more like a bulldog (I want a rottweiler). And I’m not feeling the growl. I want him to stare right at me and look like he’s about to explode. Brian tried again.
Chomps, Take 4
Now he is looking forward, but he appears more startled than angry. Also, he’s lost his dogginess and looks more like an ogre. At this point, I started calling Brian a no talent hack, and he responded by making unflattering statements about my mother.
Will Chomps ever get drawn?
TO BE CONTINUED…

IMAO now has a favicon. For IE users, bookmark IMAO (well, rebookmark it) to see it. Mozilla users should see it right away. I hear I should switch to Mozilla, and, knowing about computer security, I know I should switch to Mozilla. Then again, knowing all I know about computer security, I should never touch a computer and just use pen and paper. Give thanks to Chad of Pass the Ammo for the favicon.
Also, there are now more IMAO random quotes from May 2003. I guess I just got a lot funnier about that time as it’s taking so long to add all the quotes.
Finally and most importantly, there is now an IMAO FAQ with answers! Check it out and write in the comments any questions you think I left out.

It’s the primaries in Florida tomorrow. Anyone following Florida politics and know which Republican candidate for Senator I should vote for? Right now, I’m planning on voting for Mel Martinez because he seems to be the Bush endorsed candidate and I like mindlessly following my party.

Just gave blood today. I have super, extra negative blood (O negative, CMV negative) which is great for everyone else and babies, but sucks for me. If I need blood, I’m like screwed because I can only take my own type. So make sure to give blood to ensure I’m always around to write more inane posts like this one.

Some days I just want to get together a posse with a bunch of shotguns, fly down to the Middle East, and clean house.
Hell, most days.

Now that the Republican National Convention has started, everyone is looking to me saying, “What are we going to do, Frank J.?” Well, I’ll tell you what to do to make it a successful convention:
* To show compassionate conservatism, let the orphans out of the orphanage before you do your ceremonial orphanage burning.
* To keep there from being inter-party squabbling, give every delegate a turn at the high-powered hose aimed at the hippies.
* Make sure Arnold doesn’t use his mighty muscles to crush the head of anyone you may need later.
* Terrorists are planning to attack, so make sure everyone has guns.
* If someone says you shouldn’t have guns in NYC, remind him that everyone has guns so SHUT UP!
* Make sure to pledge to cut taxes, because I hate paying taxes.
* Remember: If anyone says he likes paying taxes, he’s a terrorist! Kill him!
* Disputes about the party platform should be settled by kung fu!
* When Bush gives his speech, have him seated at a throne atop a pile of the skulls of our defeated enemies.
* You might have to adjust the teleprompter for that last one.
* Between speeches, have Saddam come out on stage and dance for your entertainment. Yes, dance, you little monkey! Dance!
* Fire is cool. Have fire somewhere.
* If anything goes wrong, blame it on Hagel and publicly beat him. I hate Hagel.
* His name rhymes with bagel.
* If the protestors get too loud, drown them out by throwing them in the river so they drown.
* Make sure to have motion detectors up in the rafters so ninjas can’t sneak in. Ninjas can ruin any party.
* Have the NRA keep bugging Bloomberg with “Can we shoot the hippies?” until he caves in and says yes.
* To send protestors elsewhere, put up signs saying “NYC That-a-way!” and point it to the barren wastelands of Jersey where they shall surely die.
* Democrats are always saying Republicans are for polluted air and water. To prove them wrong, publicly beat them.
* Make sure no one says anything bad about the Yankees because Giuliani will beat him to death with a tire iron.
* Caution: Hillary Clinton lives in New York, and her gaze can turn a man to stone just like the beast of legends old – Dukakis!
* To keep anyone from speaking past his or her allotted time, have Rumsfeld ready in the sidelines, hands tense for a strangling.
* Remind the American people that the true measure of a president’s worth can be counted in dead for’ners.
* Put the swift boat vets to good use sailing the harbor and strafing protestors.
* Try to spot Democrat infiltrators. Look towards the press room.
* The networks are limiting convention coverage, so try disguising some speeches as popular sitcoms to trick the networks into airing them.
* To show patriotism, unveil new robotic flag that burns protestors.
* Balloons! Politics needs lots of red, white, and blue balloons!
* No, you’re not understanding me! More balloons! More! Muh ha ha ha!

So what topics would you like to hear the Republicans talk about at the convention? I want to hear about space lasers!