Now that the Republican National Convention has started, everyone is looking to me saying, “What are we going to do, Frank J.?” Well, I’ll tell you what to do to make it a successful convention:
* To show compassionate conservatism, let the orphans out of the orphanage before you do your ceremonial orphanage burning.
* To keep there from being inter-party squabbling, give every delegate a turn at the high-powered hose aimed at the hippies.
* Make sure Arnold doesn’t use his mighty muscles to crush the head of anyone you may need later.
* Terrorists are planning to attack, so make sure everyone has guns.
* If someone says you shouldn’t have guns in NYC, remind him that everyone has guns so SHUT UP!
* Make sure to pledge to cut taxes, because I hate paying taxes.
* Remember: If anyone says he likes paying taxes, he’s a terrorist! Kill him!
* Disputes about the party platform should be settled by kung fu!
* When Bush gives his speech, have him seated at a throne atop a pile of the skulls of our defeated enemies.
* You might have to adjust the teleprompter for that last one.
* Between speeches, have Saddam come out on stage and dance for your entertainment. Yes, dance, you little monkey! Dance!
* Fire is cool. Have fire somewhere.
* If anything goes wrong, blame it on Hagel and publicly beat him. I hate Hagel.
* His name rhymes with bagel.
* If the protestors get too loud, drown them out by throwing them in the river so they drown.
* Make sure to have motion detectors up in the rafters so ninjas can’t sneak in. Ninjas can ruin any party.
* Have the NRA keep bugging Bloomberg with “Can we shoot the hippies?” until he caves in and says yes.
* To send protestors elsewhere, put up signs saying “NYC That-a-way!” and point it to the barren wastelands of Jersey where they shall surely die.
* Democrats are always saying Republicans are for polluted air and water. To prove them wrong, publicly beat them.
* Make sure no one says anything bad about the Yankees because Giuliani will beat him to death with a tire iron.
* Caution: Hillary Clinton lives in New York, and her gaze can turn a man to stone just like the beast of legends old – Dukakis!
* To keep anyone from speaking past his or her allotted time, have Rumsfeld ready in the sidelines, hands tense for a strangling.
* Remind the American people that the true measure of a president’s worth can be counted in dead for’ners.
* Put the swift boat vets to good use sailing the harbor and strafing protestors.
* Try to spot Democrat infiltrators. Look towards the press room.
* The networks are limiting convention coverage, so try disguising some speeches as popular sitcoms to trick the networks into airing them.
* To show patriotism, unveil new robotic flag that burns protestors.
* Balloons! Politics needs lots of red, white, and blue balloons!
* No, you’re not understanding me! More balloons! More! Muh ha ha ha!
Yay! Violence in politics.
Oh, and FIRST!
They can get more “This Just In” type coverage by having Cheney fake a heart attack once an hour.
They can do a similar type of thing with press conferences about Muqtada al Sadr where the “news” turns out that he smells funny.
genius… if only the RNC was actually like this!
Second! Yay, close enough…
You are a f***ing genious Frank. I love you.
“Where’s the f*****g balloons!!!!”
I’ve got it! A competition! Arnold and Rumsfeld each grab a hippy around the neck and squeeze until the pressure blows it’s head off! Earn points for distance! Get a x16 multiplier if you bean Moore in the head! x32 multiplier if you somehow manage to nail Michael Moore AND Jesse Jackson! x64 multiplier if the impacts leave two said parties with permenant brain damage and/or death!
And Have Saddam do a little jig while he announces the score.
By the way, Frank. AS a representative of conservative teenagers everywhere, I would just like to say that your site rates 3rd with us, just a hair below the Bible and the Constitution. You rock hardcore!
I kinda like the idea of adding a DMSO/ Vomiting and/or Crap Your Pants Agent mixed in with the supply to the Defensive Water Cannon Fund-Raising gimmick, Frank.
Think of all the Cathartic fun and cool photos the donor behind the Cannon can experience and keep for fond memories amongst family and friends.
Jack.
Two things:
How dare you besmirch the name of Jersey!!
Also, the Yankees are the Republicans of baseball. I’m just sayin.
I can see it now: An In My World with Bush up on stage with his cowboy hat and 6-gun, and Saddam on a leash.
“Dance, boy!”
Saddam dancing ala Riverdance while dressed as a French maid with a Nazi armband and John sKerry buttons to the tune of the “Beer Barrel Polka”
During lulls in the action, delegates are allowed to pummel the USA color reporter, Michael the Hutt, with “Bush Cheney” tire irons. Condi Rice is the official tire iron hander outer.
*Because everyone knows all Republicans are filthy rich and we have expensive tastes, this year when we light our expensive cigars with money, we shall use $50s rather than$100s since we are kinder and gentler.
*Our usual “Drop water balloons on stinky hippies from high-rise hotels” get together has been modified this year in appreciation for Chomps, the world’s angriest dog. Water balloons will now be substituted for malitov cocktails. Supplies are available to all delegates as they leave tonight; pick up a case on the way out.
“Go Balloons! Go Balloons!”
Yeah, Frank, and I would just like to say as a representative of the over the hill at 60 old farts crowd, I agree with Max Tek, you rock, er, and roll very much.
The width and breadth of your fandom is amazing.
As for the convention, get it over with so we can get back to kicking the living crapola out of all terrorists and monkey-loving liberals.
So it written, so let it be done.
P.S.
Who’s the guy looking out of the window of the house across the street from you in the picture of your magnolia tree?
Just wondering.
A flag that burns protestors? BRILLIANT!
…and why not? It’s the flag’s constitutional right!
Oh, I have not laughed this hard in weeks, Frank. Superb!
One of my favorites:
Remember: If anyone says he likes paying taxes, he’s a terrorist! Kill him!
I will have to remember that line.
Hooray! Someone acknowledged my existence! Thanks Mikey!
And the robot flag that burns protesters is the most brilliant thing I ever heard of! Even better than the sword with gatling gun attachment my friends designed.
When will the flags be available for purchase? We need ’em. Maaaaany protesting Lefties Down Under.
speaking as a person from new jersey, if you send them here they will surely die, but it wont be the barren, polluted wasteland that kills them….
hehehe…
* When Bush gives his speech, have him seated at a throne atop a pile of the skulls of our defeated enemies.
Oh, too cool! Dim the lights, and have him mumble and insert disconnected snatches of poetry like Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now. Our enemies would be britting shicks.
The RNC is a bunch a pandering asshats.
I am so sick of this mamby pamby pandering BS!!!
Liberals speaking, IMAM doing the invocation, baby killers getting a platform!!!!
BS BS BS!!!!
Where is my party?
Where are my fellow conservatives?
Who’s speaking about securing our borders?
We are so sunk, it doesn’t matter which puppett wins.
Nuke the moon and put us out of our misery!!!
I think while Saddam is dancing he should also be forced to endorse John Kerry, that way you could run a commercial saying “Will you vote the way Saddam wants you to?”
I think flags that burn protesters is a great idea. I would change it a bit and place small explosives inside of American flags that blow up when lit with fire, then I would sell them in the Middle East as “Imperialist great Satan flags to burn–please don’t light until at least 50 yards from the store”. You could kill some serious splopeydopes that way.
Max Tek [AUS] (16 y/o): “leave two said parties with permenant brain damage”
You silly, how are you planning to be able to notice the difference? Do you have some kind of special very sensitive machine?
kyber,
no chit.
Can’t really tell the difference anymore.
Especially after watching tonight’s mamby pamby pandering asshats!!
I am one frustrated Conservative…
I have no party.
But I am still voting Bush, cause 4 years of Kerry the Socilaist would be a fate worse than death.
I will vote for the lesser evil, the Liberal Republicans.
Joshua: Uhm, we are talking about Michael Moore, right? RIGHT?!! You’re making my tiny little head confused. Oh, I know: you should be being mentally controlled by him! He makes my teensy little head confused too!
funny as always frank, but nj is not a barren wasteland.
oh yeah, and go yankees
Kyber spots the flaw in my game. He gets fifty frequent flier miles on Max Tek Airlines, redemmable on the 34’th of every month!